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About Turnt

  • Birthday 04/08/1991

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    Most forms of media, including books, video games, films, web/TV shows and series. Loves all types of animals.

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  1. I sleep on a floor. Bed bugs infested my couch, so I had to get rid of it. I haven't slept in a real bed in 3 years, actually. That didn't get rid of them either, I have to sleep with my clothes on. I have a fruit fly infestation too. My dog always has fleas here, and is also being bitten by the bed bugs. I think she's sick, she's lost a lot of weight, but I can't afford to get her looked at. I don't have enough food to eat, Christmas dinner this year will be a peanut butter sandwich (if I have anything at all). The food banks are closed this month, it boggles my mind why. My place isn't sealed properly - it gets freezing in here. Welfare just got cut off, I will not be able to pay rent next month. I've sold all my personal belongings of value to try and get by, I live in an entirely empty apartment, barring the pile of pillows and blankets on the floor that is my bed. To top everything off, I'm spending Christmas alone, again, this year. If you had told me a year ago things could be worse, I would have asked how, but I see now. People have been kind in offering sympathy, but that's all anyone can really do. I'm thinking this really might be the one this time. The last 3 years have felt like a hellish eternity and I think I'm finally broken. I can't even feel sad anymore, I think my body is telling me that it's time. Thank you to anyone who has offered me support in the past, I just don't have anything left at this point. I often wonder if my parents ever gave a damn at all, particularly my mother, who dumped me in this hellhole to run off with my abusive step father, at a time when I needed the most help. I guess it doesn't matter now.
  2. Recently a really old friend of mine has started taking everything very personally. The first time (a couple months ago) I thought it was just an isolated incident, we had a small spat over something relatively arbitrary but we're old friends and patched things up quickly. I didn't think much of it at the time, until it started happening with a bit more frequency when I became busy working on several of my own projects. I don't work a normal job anymore, and I feel like he believes that translates to me just being free literally all day, so when I turn him down to hang out because I'm busy working on a project I get the vibe that he thinks it's because I don't care or something (I have clarified that I do care, and he knows I have mental health problems where I sometimes isolate myself. I have let him know on numerous occasions it's not something he's doing). The issue is it isn't just with me, we play board games every week with some friends and recently he basically exploded on one of them, because he felt cheated in the game (when the situation wasn't directly related to him at all, it's just kind of how the game worked). They resolved that issue too, but it's starting to get concerning. It's to the point where I'm actively avoiding engaging with him because I just don't want to deal with any potential fallout. Now I've known him for about 13 years, we go way back so I can gather some guesses as to why. He does like to drink, and I wonder if it's contributing to these emotional outbursts. I can't be certain since I don't live with him or anything, but I think it might be a daily thing now (though it seems to just be a few drinks a night, since he works early mornings and couldn't maintain that if he was getting blasted every night). The drinking isn't new behavior though, but the taking things personally is. He's been living with his girlfriend for a while now, and I don't know the nature of what their relationship is like at the moment, but she treats him better than his last girlfriend did so I'm not too sure there either. I don't want to pry into his personal life, because I do think if he wanted to talk about it he would, but I am worried. I know I have to talk to him about it, but I'm afraid of him taking it personally again and causing an argument. In the 13 years we've been friends, we've never fought, never had a problem with the other. I'm not only scared to lose him but concerned about these personality changes in general. I've reached out today to try and make some plans to do something, so we'll see how it goes.
  3. Absolutely yes. I've left or been fired from a lot of jobs. Don't take it as a personal failing, it usually means that particular position just wasn't right for you. There's actually some good that can come from job hopping - you learn a wide variety of different skills and that actually looks really good on a resume. I've never stayed in a position for longer than about 6 months or so and I can land a job really easily now just because of how much varied work experience I have in my field. The best thing you can do is talk to your Human Resources representative about it. It's not only a good way to tell if the company you're working for actually cares or not, but can also can get you some leniency on missing time. The important thing to remember though is that jobs come and go, but what matters is that you keep trying and learning new things. I came to the realization recently that working a 9-5 just isn't possible for someone like me, so now my fiancee and I are going to start a business together and be our own bosses. Try and do a deep dive to see what you really want to be doing with your time (even if you don't earn money at first) and go for it. Life's too short to try and fit a square peg into a round hole.
  4. Well as an update I guess, I lost that job for (what else?) attendance problems. This is why I feel so stuck, I simply can't hold down a job long enough to accumulate enough money to potentially go to school for something I am interested in. Inevitably I gain debt when this happens and it usually takes me at least a couple months of working to get caught up, and by the time I do often my attendance is slipping again, and the cycle repeats itself. Since losing my job, my fiancee has professed dissatisfaction with the relationship because of how stressful this constantly is and is seriously considering leaving me, my landlord has given me until the 24th (thankfully) to pay rent before he files evicition papers. I've nearly run out of food and am holding on as best as I can to save my only food bank visit until closer to the end of the month. Compound this with desperately trying to find work, and trying to re-open a social assistance case (which quite possibly will not cover my rent in full). Like, I'm seriously thinking this is just it. I've finally ****ed up so bad that it's probably beyond repair at this point. Winter is quickly approaching and I know I won't make it out there. I have no family or friends that I can stay with. If something doesn't work out soon, I feel like the choice is pretty clear. My life, and all that hope for a better future, just gone in one fell swoop. I'd be lying if I didn't see this coming eventually, except this time I actually feel ready. Not sad, not angry, just ready to stop this meaningless cyclical struggle.
  5. I constantly have issues holding down jobs with clinical depression. While working makes me feel good at the end of the day, at the beginning a lot of the time I just dread going in, eventhough my job isn't that bad (at least compared to other jobs I've held). Inevitably I start missing days because I just can't bear the thought of being in a miserable state for 8 hours that day. Most days aren't bad at all, I can go in and do the work fine without feeling down about it, but the days that I don't feel healthy enough mentally to go in add up over time and have cost me almost every job I've ever had. The other issue is that the type of work I do isn't work I love doing - not by a longshot, and I've tried a ton of different work in my field. I do general labour, and I have quite the resume at this point, which is why I always find myself easily landing these jobs. Construction, electrical, machining, finish work, decks tiles and flooring, fencing, framing (Industrial, commercial and residential), drywall, concrete, landscaping (commercial and residential), production, just name it and I've done it for anywhere from 6 months to a year. While I'm grateful for the myriad of practical skills I've learned, as time continues I've just realized this type of work doesn't make me happy. But whenever I lose a job trying to find one outside of labour either takes too long or I'm considered not suitable just because of my previous work experience. I don't like that I have to come home sore each day, with a ton of scratches and scrapes, new calluses each day, absolutely filthy. My clothes get ruined, my boots get ruined, my body gets ruined (Permanent injuries from this line of work since I was only 24 years old), not to mention there are a lot of goofs who work in labour that I'd just rather not deal with. Labourers also are notorious for complaining about everything, obviously this doesn't apply to everyone but there's definitely a trend and it gets old fast. I guess I just feel like I've exhausted this line of work for myself and have sort of given up on finding a job in labour that I'll actually like. I'd much rather work with computers or tech in some form or fashion (maybe not something like data entry but programming or animation have always interested me), but there are so many roadblocks I just feel stuck. I work afternoons so 5 days a week I can basically do **** all because I don't get home until midnight. I get that I need to put effort in to change things, but it's tough when I have to either wake up early to get all my errands done and then be tired for work all night, or do everything on the weekend which I rarely accomplish because I'm just happy to have a break from work for a couple days so I just want to be lazy. More or less venting here. I wish I could just tell my employer I have mental health problems and it may impact my attendance, but who gets hired when an employer hears that? Not many, definitely not in the production world. I just feel like even if I did mention it they would not see it as a valid excuse for missing days anyway. Guess I just wish I could be better with my attendance without suffering but it doesn't seem possible.
  6. Personally, no, but in my opinion therapy is the best treatment to depression. Therapy can come in many ways as well, it doesn't always have to be a professional. My pet has given me a lot of therapy on her own without even trying, a good friend who wants to listen, a sibling or loved one who's there... Therapy doesn't inherently mean therapist. Everyone needs therapy, depressed or not, maybe that's what your therapist meant? To move forward in life we have to deal with our past or we're just anchored to old emotions. And old things tend to be s***ty.
  7. I've found that treating/curing depression has always come down to therapy. Changing our paths of thinking. A year and a half ago, you would see a different person in me (look up my old posts if need be). The reason I'm not depressed anymore has been because of therapeutic reasons, no drugs or hocus pocus involved. I understand it's different for each individual, and that drugs may help someone where it may not another, but I think the main thing to take away is that depression doesn't have to last forever, and one of the big things with that is changing how you think about things. After over ten years of depression, I can be free of it and so can you. I'm not saying it's easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.
  8. I've had to do this myself, and it's never easy. Especially if it's a parent, and more recently, my sister and I have become distant when once we were close. If you need to elaborate, I'm around and have experienced it before, if you need to talk.
  9. I'm bisexual myself, though currently my SO is female. She is also bisexual, coincidentally, and we both agree that sexuality doesn't inherently have to be bad if it's not the 'natural order' of things. I forget where, but I'm fairly certain I've heard that a lot of various species on the planet, apes included, do exhibit bisexual tendencies despite what nature might actually intend (survival of the species, mostly). Difference is between us and the rest of the species we share the planet with, is that we don't need to have offspring to ensure the survival of our species anymore - in my book, there's nothing really wrong or disgusting about wanting to be with another male. I mean let's face it, it's near impossible to find a member of the opposite gender that will be able to connect with you on the same level as one of the same gender, since our minds work so differently. I can see why this might be upsetting to you, but just know that it's not something that's wrong with you, and that sexuality isn't anyone's business but your own anyway. Maybe not advice or help, and so long after your OP, but I hope it at least does something for you.
  10. It's easy to let go at a young age. Just give it some time. We all have this. We would be worse off without you.
  11. That really sucks @HeatherG but it's good to know your stance on it!
  12. My country gets especially cold and people tend to lose their shizz , so I'm curous too!
  13. I wonder if a lot of people come here this time of year because of the atmosphere in nature. I mean there is a correlation right? I'm not particularly asking for advice but am wondering how many people get that 'winter blues?'
  14. That sounds really terrible. I know it's hard but have you talked to him about it? Confronting people is daunting but if they're reasonable sometimes you can get the other to understand. You made one good step coming here, in my experience this place was always a saving grace, but @Dolphin2013 is right, sometimes therapy is also the best answer. I don't like to relate things to myself but therapy actually alleviated me of clinical depression! Also have you considered maybe he's depressed too, and that's why he doesn't engage? I know when I'm feeling down my libido is kaput. Don't give up hope, we're here for you too.
  15. I'm not sure about the others, but Wellbutrin made me personally feel very apathetic. Most anti depressants have side effects within the first two weeks, it's best to talk to your doctor about it.
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