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About samdiva

  • Birthday 02/22/1988

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  1. samdiva

    Slammed Door

    What if the person you love, the person you are close to, the person you seek support from, the person you want to feel vulnerable around just simply slams the door on your face when you are at your lowest and seeking their love and care? Not just once, but multiple times within a year... An the pain you are in is caused by them in the first place... Do you leave or do you stay? If you leave... will it be running away from "what it takes during a rough patch" or will it be "moving on from abuse"? I cannot decide... But the ironic thing is that irrespective of what I decide... The blame would be on me! either for leaving or for being there as something negative in this person's life...
  2. So it has been a week since I joined my new work and I am in a new place and new house... meeting new people.... its still too early to say anything but I feel cautiously optimistic as things seem to be turning for the better.... But I also am very scared as whenever I feel this way... whenever I see some light... BAD really Bad and Dark times follow... full of self pity and hopelessness.... But still... I felt a little "happy" about the way things were going and thought of sharing it...!
  3. samdiva

    only outlet

    Be a little more positive dear! if I feel lonely I visit an animal shelter... Those furry friends always light up when I visit and also lift up my mood...! :)
  4. samdiva

    A Down Day

    Good Luck... Hard times will pass!
  5. samdiva

    New But Same

    I am starting a new chapter of my life. I start my job today... new place... new environment... new boss... new almost everything... I had thought that all this change would help me feel better... make me hopeful for new possibilities... But life does not give you what you want... I am still stuck in the same old cycle in my head... still getting hurt by and hurting my bf... still doing just the bare minimum to survive... still have no zeal for anything... even the things which once made me feel good... still distancing myself from everyone coz i still don't see the point in doing anything anymore.... I really just want to feel some kind of warmth or fulfillment... in anything....
  6. samdiva


    My BF is a selfish man-child. He still has those things which I love him for... But now they are getting overshadowed by all the immaturity he is hiding behind. He is so scared of feeling guilty and taking responsibility for the mistakes he has done that he is doing so many more in the process.... And I feel foolish and weak that I am not walking away from this hopeless self-harming cycle. I wish he had the ability to understand the true meaning of Love and Care... I wish he was capable of being in a relationship. I get so mad but at the same time understand all his issues and behavior as well... I really hope things would get better soon... even if that means with or without him in my life...
  7. I am genuinely asking you all to give me an honest opinion. (I know this is a very short account of the whole situation but these are the main important facts). Me and my bf have a great connection. The way I feel around him, I never feel/felt like that with anyone else. There is no doubt that I really Love him and I feel I am very invested in this relationship. He also loves me a lot and tries to make it work. We have had and still keep having really amazing times together. You can say talking with him.... spending time with him is so easy and relaxed. And its the same for him too. But there are many issues going on with us... the main one is that he has a tendency of lying or hiding stuff... emotionally manipulating things... sometimes without even knowing. This has led to a lot of mistrust and frustrations. I have tried to understand his issues and also help him, be there for him, forgive him, get mad at him... but its a recurrent thing. Main reason is his own insecurities and the fact that he wants to avoid conflicts or even talk about any sensitive issue. But he also says he lies to me as he is "afraid" of the way I would react to the truth. I would say the latter reason is only half true coz if he would be just honest with me I would not get mad. And he knows that. This time when he lied and also accepted the emotional manipulation to cover up his lies got out in the open. He is very sorry. he takes responsibility for it and I can see he feels hurt to hurt and mistreat me. However, he does not promise that he will never do this again... all he says is that he does not want to be this negative burden on me. Also all this has been going on since almost a year now. But earlier he would not realize things like this. This is the first time he is accepting the emotional manipulation and all. We will be meeting this weekend (its long distance... so he is flying from California to Florida) to have a heart to heart conversation. Some part of me says I should give us one last final chance... some part of me says that I am forcing something out of him which he is not capable of doing (honest and healthy relationship)... at least right now. I keep debating in my head if I should quit on a hopeless relationship or I should fight for us as I am probably the more emotionally stable one right now. ??? don't know which way to go ??? Please share your opinions on this....
  8. samdiva

    Just Existing

    hi, I am sure this will sound cliched or something you must have tried before... but why don't you try something new this year? it does not have to be fancy thing which costs a lot of money but anything which gets you to look forward to something. I started volunteering at the American red cross. it helps coz I get the feeling that I am helping someone else! Think about it... hope you feel better :)
  9. I broke up. It started beautiful. Eventually it had become emotionally abusive at both ends. I am in pain. And feel exhausted to start from scratch again. I feel the Loss of Love, and loss of someone I deeply cared about. But there is a feeling... a feeling of freedom. A feeling of nervous and cautious optimism. Feels like the Haze is lifting up which had managed to surround me with in fact my own permission. Today is a good day. Of course there will be days when I feel only the pain and hurt. There will be days when I miss him and the good times. But during those days I will remember today. I will remember this feeling. I have been wishing everyone "happy new year" since the past couple of days. And now I feel it will be a good year for me. It will be a "happy" one, in its own way indeed.
  10. Hello breakfastclub5! Sorry for the Late reply. Have been so pre-occupied with graduation. Well so the latest update is that I graduated in Dec 2015. Now I am a Doctor! I am happy about it. And thank you for your wishes for it... [also I feel we both are brave :) give yourself the credit :-) !!! ] Also, a very happy new year to you!! Hope this year goes great for you... So tell me... has your sleep improved since our last conversation did you end up starting the medication? and whats up on the job front? I hope you soon get a chance to visit India or USA... in fact both! :-) So any new year's resolutions?
  11. samdiva


    So its Jan 1st. The clean slate we all get. Each year. I would love for 2016 to be full of moments which make me feel alive. Both good and bad count, of course I prefer Good ones. I will work from my side to have a wonderful year ahead. Yes there will be low times. Yes there will be depressed times. But I hope to have the strength and motivation to get through. I hope and strive to find peace, patience and balance in my life this year. And I am writing it here to make it official. - Give a real chance to trusting certain people and maintaining their trust. - Be kind in my way of talking with people. - Have faith in the grand scheme of things. - Be positive! and stress less
  12. samdiva


    Waiting is hard... Waiting in uncertainty of what the future holds is harder... Waiting when the people close to you don't care that you are waiting for an answer is the hardest.... Life can be cruel... times can be cruel... people's selfishness can be cruel...
  13. Goodmorning Epictetus, I hope it gets busy soon... I have seen... busy days are always much better than days when I have too much time to obsess over things! :) anyway... busy or not busy... hope its a good day for you!
  14. Hello breakfastclub5! It is pretty cool that you and your dad are doing this together (even if it means you holding things for him). I live in USA and my family is in India... so I miss doing all these things with them and just getting time to bond and spend time with them... So make the most of it... if you think about it... its an exciting thing to be able to literally build stuff :)) Why is your sleep messed up? and yeah.. youtube helps to pass time... I do that too... and then feel guilty for not being productive... My day is going just the usual... doing some analysis at work... for my thesis.... its a never ending thing... there is always more data to analyze... always more things to add to the thesis... cant wait to get done... now just a 1.5 weeks until I graduate... so literally counting days.... :) I get overwhelmed by it all sometimes... but its ok... I am almost done... :)
  15. I have a lot of feelings getting built up inside of me. Just wanted to start a place where we can just share... not necessarily talk about whats bothering us... but maybe kinda like a place where we can just come at the end of the day and tell how our day was... or listen to how someone else! Sometimes if I just talk to someone about normal things or even just listen to anything the other person has to say.... it really helps me to not focus on all the things getting built up inside of me... kinda like diverts my mind and helps me not obsess over one thing... its a good way to get rid of anxiety... so I thought... here is a good place to do that... So tell me... how was your day?? :)
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