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Everything posted by musiclover83

  1. Welcome @kristenb! I looked up maladaptive daydreaming because I was curious and that's exactly what I've done for as long as I can remember. I had no idea that there was a term for it. It's always such a comfort knowing that there's other people who do it too. I've always done that as an escape from my life which doesn't look anything like I hoped it would at this age. It's also a way to cope with my anxiety. Just the thought of giving it up scares me. That said, it's not working out so well for me at the moment. The past few days have been hard. I fell down the rabbit hole, so to speak, and keep finding myself looking for pictures from the fashion show. I'm so frustrated with myself since this is something I could pretty much completely avoid. There's been so much that's happened with the team over the past couple of days and people have already pretty much moved on from the show. The only social media account my CO seems to have is instagram and I've successfully resisted the urge to send a follow request. I now know what his girlfriend looks like and it's my own fault. I don't know if it was a way to punish myself or to try to force myself to try to move on. Like I said, giving up the fantasy/daydream is scary but it's ruined. At least for now. I can't seem to think about my CO without thinking about the girlfriend. At least not for long. Maybe it's ridiculous, but I've tried to transfer my CO preference over to one of his teammates - this one seems to be single at least and he's cute. But that makes me feel weirdly unfaithful. Sometimes I just have to laugh. It seems like my CO has been with this girl for a while now, so I try to tell myself that he's been with her the whole time he's been my CO and I could enjoy the fantasy I've imagined. And it has been a really nice one. But what they say is true. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes. I hate that I can't just block her out of my head. I hate feeling jealous, especially of someone I don't even know. So it's hard right now. My goal at the moment is to stop looking for pictures from the show. It's not good for me. You know what I find really frustrating though? I think several of his teammates are really good looking and I have lowkey crushes on a few of them, but it's not a big deal. Pretty much all of them but the one I've tried to think about instead of my CO are in relationships and I don't care. I can look at pictures of them with their wives/girlfriends and it doesn't bother me at all. This CO stuff gets so exhausting sometimes. I just want to be able to enjoy my daydream like I used to.
  2. Maybe that's why I feel weird - it makes me feel old too. Though my CO is all of those things too, so it makes sense why he became my CO. Meanwhile, I'm feeling sick. I thought the dreaded fashion show was Monday and was going to try to avoid all team related social media that day. But I had my dates mixed up. It's happening now and I was on twitter chickening time and what naturally shows up in my feed? Pictures from the show. And one of my CO with a kid from one of the charities the team supports (all the guys are walking with kids and SO's, if they have them) and a blonde. Her back was to the camera so I didn't see her face. But ugh. There was a little video of them walking back that had their names on it so now I know her first name too. They haven't done that with anyone else so far. It's like a punch to the stomach, every time it happens. And why is it always a blonde? No offense to any blondes here. I don't hate blondes, really, it just seems like all my COs prefer them. As you might have guessed, I am not one. And granted, it this particular instance there's a ton of other reasons why things likely wouldn't work out with this one. It's not like I ever seriously thought I had a chance. But it still hurts. I hate this feeling and I hate that every time this happens, I automatically start hating the girl. It's not fair, I know. This girl might be a total sweetheart who makes him happy, but I hate her. I hate feeling this way. :(
  3. Hey everyone! It's been a really long time since I've posted on here and a lot has changed. The biggest one being that I finally got over the CO I had at the time. I'm one who has had multiple COs and this last one is one I'm really happy to be over since I discovered some things about him that made me not like him, but it still took me a while to get over him. I was without a CO for a few months and that was nice. That is also no longer the case. I have a new one and this one is pretty different from all the rest. For one thing it's a professional athlete; all of my other COs have been singers. He's my first non-American CO which I think is cool. And most of my COs have either been older than me or we've been pretty close in age. This current one is in his early 20s and I'm in my mid-30s and for some reason the age difference makes me feel kind of weird. The funny thing is one of my COs was 15 years older than me and I didn't feel overly weird about that. I actually don't think age is a big deal in a relationship, provided that the younger person is an adult. And yet this one makes me feel weird. But I can't help it. This one came out of nowhere. It started with me becoming a fan of the sport and liking him as a player and thinking he was good looking, but that was it for a while. And then one day I realized that I would catch myself thinking about him and it all kind of snowballed from there. This is pretty much how it's happened with all my COs, but I never expect it. The good news is that while he's starting to become more popular, he's still relatively unknown. Granted, I look up pictures and try to find interviews and things, but I feel better having some control over when I see him. I can go online without seeing anything. He also seems to be a pretty private person and he seems kind of shy. I did stumble across his instagram the other day since it came up as a person to follow on instagram. I'm guessing because I follow some of his teammates. His instagram is private and so far I've resisted the urge to send him a follow request. He doesn't strike me as the type to post a lot, but I'm scared of what I might find. The big issue is that the team is having a fashion show for charity in a week and apparently the wives and girlfriends of the players will be participating. I'm not going to the show (tickets were way too expensive!), but I just know that they'll be pictures and probably some video. I imagine they'll show highlights during one of their games. And I watch every game. I haven't seen any indication that he's in a relationship, but who knows? If he does have a girlfriend, I'd be happier not knowing. The thought of seeing him with a girlfriend makes me feel sick. Though I have no idea how they're going to do it, like will they have the couples walk together at all or what. Or maybe he is single and I'm worrying over nothing. I just don't know. I was looking forward to seeing pictures before it was known that their wives and girlfriends we going to be involved. Now I'm dreading it. Especially since I've seen some of the significant others of the other players and they're all gorgeous. I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm certainly not what anyone would ever call gorgeous either. I can't imagine any professional athlete would ever be interested in me, though I suppose stranger things have happened. This particular CO just makes me feel so silly. Every time I see him interviewed, he seems so much older than his years. I forget that he's so much younger than me. I know a lot of the foreigners in this sport go back to their home countries in the offseason and it wouldn't surprise me if he was the same. I know I would want to if I spent most of the year away from my family. I've never been outside of the United States, unless you count a trip to Canada my family went on when I was really little. I don't really count it since I don't remember anything about it. I really can't imagine what me and him might have in common other than a love for his sport. The team does a fair amount of appearances and they have open practices that fans can go to and since I do live in the same city, there are ways I could theoretically meet him. On one hand, of course I want to meet him. On the other, I'm scared to as I'm sure others can relate. A part me wishes I could go back to just being a fan, but the rest of me likes him too much to want to give him up. At this point I just want to get through this blasted fashion show. Ugh.
  4. Happy New Year everyone. Unfortunately 2017 isn't getting off to a good start for me. Earlier tonight my CO announced that he was leaving his group to pursue something else. I've had a feeling that this was coming, but that didn't prepare me for how I'd feel when it did. I so wanted to be wrong! It feels so much worse than I thought it would, though I knew it'd be bad. I think what makes it even worse is that the holidays have had me feeling even more depressed and lonely than usual so I've been in a rough place anyway. Then this happened. I've been trying to distract myself with little success. If I think about it, I start crying. It just breaks my heart to think that he won't be with them anymore. Plus I'm worried I'll never get to hear him sing again and he has such an incredible voice. His voice is what drew me to him in the first place. Not his family members, no, but in a way about the other guys in the group. He may be my CO, but I really like all of the guys. They're part of the fantasy in that in my fantasy world I'm good friends with all of them; close enough to where they're more like brothers. I think part of that is due to me wishing that I had a supportive sibling I could be friends with. I do have a couple of brothers, but while we get along okay on the rare occasion we see each other, we don't really speak. They live in another state anyway. But yeah, I spend more time thinking about my CO himself and the relationship I imagine us to have, but the other guys definitely play a part. Once again I find myself having to remember to keep the fantasy separate from the sad reality. At least he'll still be in the group there. But I'm really struggling with this news. That and one of the other guys is getting married soon and, assuming my CO will be there, I'm already dreading stumbling across pictures of him with a date. Of course, the flipside of this is that it will make me sad if he's *not* at the wedding. I didn't get the impression that he's leaving on bad terms at all from his post, but you never know. Especially since the other guys haven't addressed it yet. But since I like all of them, I want them to still be friends. This all gets so exhausting! And again, I remind myself to keep the fantasy separate. On a happy note, one of my former CO's (the one before this one) just got married and I am genuinely happy for him. Especially since he and his now wife seem so well suited for each other. But it's nice to be in a place where I can still be a fan and like him, but without the pain. That gives me some hope. Sending you some good thoughts and prayers about your letter, @fabulousrockstar!
  5. Hi everyone! A part of me feels guilty for posting because I always seem to post a couple of times and then disappear. But then, there's times when I'm okay with how I feel about my CO or just don't feel like talking about it. Obviously things have changed. I was doing pretty well and then a couple of things happened. First, my CO is a very private person which I've come to see as a blessing and a curse. Last time I posted, I was freaking out over my decision to send him a follow request on twitter. At that point I'd been following him on Instagram and still am. I decided that I wasn't going to check his twitter because if I'd somehow seen that he's rejected that request, it would've hurt. I hate that something like that has the power to hurt us! That was months ago and I'd sort of let it go. I stopped thinking about it. Oh, he's remained my CO this entire time, but I'd stopped worrying about twitter. Right up to a couple of weeks or so ago when I was seeing what was going on on there and much to my surprise come across a tweet of his in my timeline. His account being private means that the only way I could've seen it is if he'd accepted the request. Come to find out, he'd taken a break from twitter and was now back. Being weak, this of course meant looking through his timeline and his pictures and generally feeling like a crazy person. It feels like everything's gotten worse. @OpalP25 you mentioned that your CO's sexuality is a bit of a mystery? Mine is too. I've seen pictures of him from a few years ago with a woman that really made me think that they were a couple at some point. Last fall he posted pictures of him with her going to a friend's wedding and those were like a punch to the stomach. But that said, it honestly wouldn't shock me if I found out that he was gay. Or maybe bisexual. Point is, I don't know for sure and considering how private he is, I don't think that mystery will be solved anytime soon. I was thinking about whether him being gay would make it any easier on me, if it would make it easier to let him go. I've determined that it wouldn't. For two reasons. The first being that as much as it hurts sometimes, I still don't want to let him go. The second being that I'm pretty sure I'd be crazy jealous of anyone he was with, man or woman. Either way it wouldn't be me. And I don't know what it is, but lately it seems like he's looking better than ever. As if I wasn't attracted to him enough already! This is all so frustrating! Does anyone else ever get mad at their COs? Logically I know that my feelings for him aren't his fault. Even if he is so good looking and talented and has a way of flirting with a camera that drives me crazy. It's not personal. It's not like he's deliberately trying to torture me - how could he after all? But I get so irritated with him sometimes. I've actually fantasized about him being my boyfriend and us getting into an argument so I could yell at him and it's more satisfying that it probably should be. Of course, this fantasy always involves him doing something wonderful to make it up to me. I think that's what I'm trying to come to terms with. The fact that my fantasy of him is just that: mine. There was a point where I thought that if I found out he was gay that I'd have to give up the fantasy. But the reality is that even if he is attracted to women, I have no idea what being in a relationship with him would be like. Or what it'd be like to even just spend a day hanging out with him. The version of him that exists in my fantasy is not the same as who he is in real life. I'm realizing that I've felt guilty about that, about making him something that he's possibly not and maybe that's what I have to let go of. The guilt. @Audrey822, you said it, we have to keep the fantasy life separate. I mean, in my fantasy, I'm not completely myself either. It's a better version of me, prettier and confident and everything I wish that I was in real life. And in this fantasy, he is perfectly straight and completely in love with me. I have to stop letting the reality ruin it because right now, I need the fantasy. I just do.
  6. I'm feeling so frustrated with myself. I actually had a pretty good week. I had a good doctor's appointment and left feeling better than I did before I went. I got a lot of writing done and throughout all of this, my CO was still very present in my mind but it wasn't bad. And then I go on Instagram to see what was going on - not even with him, just in general - and come across a picture of him with some girl who was most likely a fan because it looked like their signing line and bam. I find myself so overwhelmingly, ridiculously jealous. I just hate when these feelings sneak up on you like that! I also wanted to add that I've developed a kind of obsession with a sports team and I have some weird superstitions too! They played last night and I watched part of it, but was so tired I had to go to bed. Woke up to find out they lost. I feel like if I had either watched the entire game or none of it, they would've won. I have no advice either, @OpalP25but yeah, you're definitely not alone with that!
  7. Thank you! It definitely helps knowing that I'm not alone in this. I hate getting upset about this kind of thing. It seems so silly, but I can't help it. My mind just goes in all kinds of nutty directions. Like worrying he'd get mad about the new request that he'd block me on the other site. Rationally I know that that's more than likely not going to happen, as that'd be kind of a crazy overreaction on his part, but that's where my mind goes. I accept that the fantasy will remain just that; a fantasy. But I get so paranoid about doing something to make him hate me. Although, while I am following him on Instagram (request #1) and "like" some of the pictures he posts, I think I've only commented on 2-3 over this past year. Point being that he has a bunch of followers and there's really no reason for me to assume I'd stand out somehow. But I guess that's part of this whole CO thing. It's obviously a big deal on our end, but not on theirs. I can worry about bothering him, but at the same time I highly doubt that he wastes his time keeping tabs on each of his fans. And I don't believe that he'd be looking for reasons to hate any of them. The reality is that while he might read the comments he gets, odds are that he's not going to spend much time thinking about or overanalyzing them. Unless it was completely over the top in some way. Even then, he'd probably either ignore it or maybe block that person and then move on. I'm trying to be better about dismissing those kinds of thoughts, but it's not easy! I have to remember that the obsession is on my end; not his.
  8. Hi everyone. I posted on this thread once, months ago, and have looked in a few times since then just didn't post. I don't feel like going into all the details and they're not all that relevant anyway, but things in my life got very hectic for a while and my CO was even pushed slightly to the background during it. I thought that things were getting better, but I was wrong. Honestly right now I'm longing for the days before social media. I still had CO's then, but they didn't seem quite as bad as the few I've had since social media exploded. My CO, T, is pretty mysterious and doesn't have a huge presence online though his group does. He does have an instagram & twitter, both set up where you have to request to follow. I sent him a request on instagram about a year ago - back when I had a crush on him, but he wasn't a full on CO yet - and he accepted. I've resisted the urge to try to follow him on twitter up until this week when someone from his group shared it on their twitter (though I did know what it was prior to that due to other fans I know). I caved and regret it. I don't know if it'd be worse for him to accept and thus give me another way to try to keep up with him or deny, which would feel like a rejection. Right now I'm thinking it may be best to try to avoid going to his profile on there at all. At this point I think the best option is to just not know one way or the other. He doesn't come across as much of a tweeter, which I hope is the case because then he might not even see it. It seems silly to be this stressed out over something like this, but here we are. There was a point when I thought I might be ready to try to let this CO go, but I'm not and I don't want to be. I still want the fantasy. Even though it makes me feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes.
  9. Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for a few weeks and have finally worked up the nerve to talk about my CO. First, some background. I was a painfully shy kid with a very active imagination. I bring this up because I think that it's contributed to this problem. Namely that I've always seemed to look for an escape from my life. As a kid I used to daydream a lot and loved to write stories (still do, in fact). These used to revolve around being know/liked for one talent for another and now they revolve around whichever CO I have at the time. Like some of you, my current CO is the latest in the string of COs. Most of them have been singers, though a couple weren't. I had what I consider normal crushes up until my last year of high school, which was around the time I had my first CO. I'd lost some very important people in my life in high school and was diagnosed with a painful chronic autoimmune disease my senior year. This was also when I started struggling with depression and anxiety. I'm in my early 30s now. A few years ago I moved to a place I'd always wanted to live and in a surprising twist, my parents ended up moving to the same city. This has been a good thing since my health took a bad turn a couple of years ago, leaving me mostly bedridden for a few months. I'm doing much better physically these days, though I'm not where I want to be yet. Mentally, not too good. I'm unemployed at the moment, which I hate, and I still don't know too many people here. The only people I see on a regular basis are my parents. And then a few months ago our sweet golden retriever passed away unexpectedly and I miss her terribly. I've been feeling very lonely lately and I know that's making this so much worse. Moving on to my current CO. He's a member of a singing group that has a loyal following, but still aren't that well known. I'd be pretty surprised if anyone here as heard of them. I'm not comfortable writing his name out yet so I'll just call him T. This CO started in the early part of this year and while I've been drawn to this man from the first time I've seen him, I'd latched onto him in an attempt to get over my *last* CO. I didn't intend for this to be a full CO and naively thought I'd be able to keep it from getting that far. I should know better by now. T is a pretty private person and I don't know too much about him. I did stumble across his personal Facebook page earlier this year trying to see if he had a public page. Most of it is private, but he does have a few public photo albums which I'm ashamed to say I looked through. This was a mistake, for a number of reasons, one being because there were pictures from a few years ago with him with who I'm guessing was his girlfriend. A woman I quickly came to hate, even though I'd kind of been under the impression that he was currently single. Well, one of the other guys in his group got married yesterday and while I've managed to refrain from sending T a follow request on twitter, I do follow him on Instagram. Where last night he posted of himself with that woman and a caption about her being the loveliest date he could've asked for. It's been hours since I saw it and I still feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I still feel like I could throw up. In my head, I know that it's silly to be so broken up over a guy I hardly know anything about, but try telling my heart that. I've had this happen to me before, but it feels worse this time. It's unbelievable how much it hurts. Is it crazy that I'm mad at T for posting it? As private as he is, this is something he wants to share. It actually makes me mad. Not just at him for kind of ruining the fantasy, but at myself for still not being ready to even try to let him go. For still wanting the fantasy, even though it hurts so much now. I hate myself for hating a woman I don't know. For being so jealous over a man I'd never have a chance with, even if she didn't exist. I haven't been able to sleep and it's just about 5 am here. I've been trying to distract myself with music, but it seems like every song reminds me of him. Thanks to anyone who read all of that! I'll keep any future posts much shorter, I promise. Going to attempt sleep now, though I don't know if I want to dream about him or not. I feel like I need the fantasy to deal with the pain, but it hurts too much to have the fantasy. Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm losing my mind. :(
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