musiclover83

Hi everyone, I can’t even remember how long it’s been since I last posted. I was doing really good for a while there. Last time I posted, my CO was a hockey player but that changed once I found out that he had a girlfriend. I always feel like I can’t continue to obsess over a CO if I know he’s in a relationship. Like it isn’t allowed somehow. I did manage to get over that one, though not without a fair amount of tears. The upside is I can watch him play hockey now and it doesn’t hurt anymore. Like I said, I was doing really well for a while. Until I found a new person to obsess over. Calling him a celebrity feels like a big stretch - he has a podcast and posts videos on YouTube but he has a pretty small following. I started off just liking his content, even while finding him handsome. I didn’t expect to develop such a huge crush on him, but the more I watched him the more I liked him. Not just his looks, but everything about him. He seems to have all of the things I want in a partner and before I knew it, he had reached CO status. And my crush has mostly made me happy. Until today. He usually posts about things related to his podcast and not about his personal life, save for some posts about his family. But today he posted a story with a girl who is apparently his girlfriend. He’d never given any indication of being in a relationship, but this story and the caption made it pretty clear that he is. And it just completely crushed me. I’ve been feeling especially lonely lately to begin with. This time of year is always hard because everyone’s posting about their families and relationships. So many engagements. And here I am, without a love of my own and it’s so painful. I feel like no one will ever want me and even though the logical part of me knows that I probably wouldn’t have had a chance with my crush, it still hurts so much. It’s brought back a lot of bad feelings too. Feeling really, really down. Sending out hugs and comfort to anyone out there feeling the same way.

At this point I just want this week to end. I've developed such an irrational hatred of that tennis player who I had never heard of until Sunday. I don't even know if my CO and her have ever actually met, but I get so jealous at the thought of her with him. If I never thought about her again, I'd be happy. It's not just her possible connection to him that annoys me, though that's a lot of it. She strikes me as being very full of herself and vain. She's a pretty girl, I'll give her that, but I have little patience for people who seem arrogant about their looks. Maybe that's hypocritical considering how much time I spend dwelling on what I hate about my own looks. Either way it's obsessing over your looks. Ugh. Whatever. I just don't like her and hate the thought of him being with someone like her. Which he may not even be. Blocking her on twitter hasn't kept me from going to his or her pages on instagram and seeing if they're following each other. Repeatedly. They aren't. I've been checking his twitter likes obsessively - her tweets don't show up when I look on my own account, but I can see the number of likes he has and see if it's changed. I hate that I do these things. I need to figure out a way to harness all the energy and focus I'm giving them and channel in into something positive. Instead of something that only hurts me. I used to have a music blog I enjoyed writing and it was doing pretty well for a while, but it's been months since I've written anything for it. I also had a couple of stories I was working on that I haven't worked on in a while. I used to love writing so much. I get ideas, but I can't seem to muster up the energy to write them out. It makes me wonder how much writing I could get done if I used the time I spent obsessing to write instead. Maybe in addition to looking for ways/places to volunteer, I should make an effort to write whenever I start obsessing. Meanwhile it seems like members of the team are slowly starting to return to the city. Rookie camp will be starting around the 13th and after that comes training camp with all the current members of the roster. So my CO will be back in the city sometime in the next month. I'm very curious to see how I do once the season starts and I can watch him play again. Will it help? Or will seeing him more often make it harder?

I'd say the daydreams I have about him are positive in that they give me a brief escape from my life and I need that. Then again, the loneliness does seem to get worse once the daydream (or regular dream, as the case may be) ends. I know the daydreams probably aren't really good for me, but I enjoy them while they're happening. The problem now is I haven't been able to think about him today without thinking about her too and that annoys me. Although, as much as it would hurt, there's still a part of me that wishes he would just go public with a girlfriend. It's only a matter of time before it happens and that part of me almost wants to get that pain started. Though I feel like this one will hurt more than others have. But then sometimes I think not knowing is worse than knowing. I get so confused by my feelings about all this. I was thinking about places I could try volunteering at because several of my problems stem from never doing anything. That's why the agoraphobia is acting up again. I never do anything and I don't have any friends. Not that I can hang out with. The few friends I do have don't live anywhere close. I was thinking that volunteering would be good for me since it would get me out of the house and doing something to help others. I think that would make me feel better about myself. And it might be a good way to meet people too. Of course, my anxiety being what it is makes me feel panicky at the thought of actually trying something like that.

I've never been able to wear heels. It's like that scene in Bambi when he goes out on the ice for the first time. I just can't do it. Plus I have rheumatoid arthritis and that doesn't pair well with heels. It makes my feet hurt too much to try. But I suppose that when you barely leave the house, it doesn't matter that you can't wear heels. I pretty much live in t-shirts, jeans, shorts and pajamas. I don't get dressed up unless it's for something special. It's been years since I've had reason to. I do agree that inner beauty is more important than outward appearance. I've known so many people who were physically beautiful, but ugly on the inside and that makes them less attractive to me. I'd rather have a good heart than a stunning reflection, but I'm not so sure that I have one. I try to be a good person, but I don't feel like I am. I just wish I could stop being so hypercritical of myself. I do like my eyes, but when I look at myself all I can seem to focus on is how much I'd like to change. Almost everything. Meanwhile, I went and blocked that tennis player on twitter. It's petty especially since I never followed her to begin with, but blocking her means I won't see her tweets in my CO's likes. I went and checked after I did it and they were gone. That didn't magically make me feel better about the situation, but at least I won't see if he likes any more of them if I check. Though my goal is to try to resist the temptation to look at all. I'm still so angry at myself. It's one thing to be completely blindsided by something upsetting. It's another thing to go looking for trouble which is what I was doing. I've been sad and angry all day. And my anxiety is on high alert and my joints really hurt. Just a lousy day all around. To think I was happy yesterday when I saw a picture one of my CO's friends posted that he was in - a picture of all guys and those don't bother me. It made me happy to see my CO's face. And then today happened. But as petty as it may be, blocking that girl feels like the right decision for me. I'm not strong enough to unfollow him. Not yet anyway, but I won't have to deal with seeing her in his likes. Of course, if it turns out that they are together I'll probably end up seeing pictures and whatnot down the road. But for now, this was the right decision for my mental health. Now I'm trying to distract myself. Worrying about it just upsets me and if I'm going to think about him, I'd rather focus on my fantasies involving him. If only we could always ever focus on the good parts about having a CO. That would make it so much easier.

I'm so mad at myself. I keep doing things that I know could trigger me and I do them anyway. I miss having a CO back when there wasn't social media because it can be so bad for us. Usually it's instagram that gets me, today it was twitter. My CO hasn't tweeted in well over a year, but he likes tweets from time to time. I know this because I find myself looking at his likes. It's such a bad idea. What set me off was seeing that he'd liked 4 tweets by this pretty pro tennis player who was apparently in his home town - where he is since it's still the offseason - for a tournament or something. Granted, I know he loves his home town and two of her tweets were about it. The other two were sort of amusing. Me being me automatically looked her up at instagram - I don't follow tennis at all so I'd never heard of her. She had picture up from 4 days ago when she was in his city of her taking a picture and the caption was something like when bae looks good leading people to question if this was a new boyfriend. Sidenote: I hate the term bae. So now I'm upset because what if he's her boyfriend. Ignore that she didn't actually say she had a boyfriend and it could've just been her joking around. She's not following him anywhere and he's following her on twitter, but not instagram. Yes, I checked and why? Why do I sabotage myself like this? The thing about this is I think about all the posts I like on both the sites, many posted by men - some I find attractive. And so much of the time it doesn't mean anything other than I just liked it. It doesn't mean I have feelings for them. At least not like I do for my CO. A like is sometimes nothing more than a like. I know this. Him liking a batch of her newest tweets doesn't mean he's in love with her or that they're together. Even if he was/is interested in her, it doesn't mean she is or would be interested in him. Though I can't imagine why she wouldn't be. I don't even know if they've ever actually met in real life or not! Okay, so they were in the same city for a few days. So what? I live in the city where his hockey team is based (not because of him, mind) so he lives here during the season and I've certainly never run into him anywhere. Or anyone else from the team, for that matter. Granted, in this instance both of them are pro athletes and maybe more likely to come across each other, but not necessarily. I don't know if she even knows who he is. Stressing about it is just a waste of my time and energy. I know all of this and yet here I am, mad at myself and upset about this. I think a lot of it is that I've been feeling so bad about myself lately. Looking at some of her pictures and seeing some of the kinds of pictures other girls have been posting just reminds me of what I'm not. I don't think I'm hideous or anything, but I'm no model. No one ever calls me beautiful. I'm self-conscious about my body, more my shape than my size. I think I'm oddly shaped and horrible out of shape. Although even if I was in perfect shape, I could never be the type to be comfortable showing off my body like so many of them are. I've come to hate mirrors. I look at the pictures beautiful women post and think about how those are likely the kind of women my CO would go for. Not me. I find myself not liking these girls and then I hate myself for feeling that way. None of them have done anything to me. They just remind me of all that I'm lacking. That's without factoring in my health issues and my horrible anxiety. Pretty much the only time I leave the house is to go to doctor's appointments. I've struggled with agoraphobia in the past and was doing so well until this year. I get panic attacks every day, it seems. Sometimes more than one. I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm just sad and lonely and, now, mad. And feeling stupid for looking at his likes in the first place when I know better. I can't take this. I wish I could take a vacation from myself.

Good grief. So this weekend not one, but two of the guys on the team got married. I knew about the one yesterday, but not the one today. My CO was not in Europe for the first. But he's here in town for the one that was earlier today. Yet another one of the players posted a picture of a group of guys and had a few Instagram stories up that my CO was in. No indication that he brought a date. As much as the thought of seeing him with another woman makes me want to throw up, I almost wish I could just see one. The initial pain would be terrible, but maybe it would help me let go. I really don't want to let go is the thing. This CO feels so different from others I've had. It really seems like we'd get along and I so love the fantasy. What I don't love is how I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always happens and it always hurts and I have no reason to believe it won't happen again. Right now it just hurts. Part of me is thrilled knowing that we're in the same city again, at least as long as he's in town. But at the same time, another part of me aches knowing he's in town but we're not together. I almost miss him more knowing he's somewhere in the city. What gives? I guess it's a so close, but still so far kind of thing. It just hurts right now. It hurts and I want it to stop hurting. @starbucksjunkee it makes me crazy when guys don't wear wedding rings too! Or have it on them at the very least. My dad's wedding ring doesn't fit on his finger anymore because of his arthritis, but he wears it on a chain that he always has on. One thing I thought was interesting in the guy who got married yesterday - I'll call him V - is Swedish and I had thought he was already married because he wore a ring. So when it came out that he was getting married, it confused me. Come to find out, when a Swedish couple gets engaged, both of them wear engagement rings. Then the bride (or, presumably, brides if it's two women getting married) will get a second ring the day of the wedding. I almost wish we'd adopt that custom here! Of course if men won't wear wedding rings, they likely wouldn't wear an engagement ring either, but I like the idea of it. @HopelessRomantic2011 happy belated birthday! Mine was earlier this month too. I'm sorry it didn't work out with the guy you'd been talking to. But the Meetup group sounds promising! I've wondered about trying to get out of the house more. It definitely seems like it can't hurt to give it a shot. Hope you have a good thing at the next one too.

Same for me with my CO. I miss him so much even though we've never met. It's such a strange feeling. He hasn't posted anything since the end of May, though every now and then I'll see that he's liked something one of the other guys on the team posted. I'm longing for the end of summer. I don't do so well in the heat for one thing, but what's really getting to me is that we're right in the middle of wedding season. It seems like I am constantly hearing about people getting married, celebrities and non-celebrities alike. A bunch of hockey players have gotten married, it seems. One of the guys on my CO's team got married at the end of last month and another is getting married tomorrow. Three more of them are engaged. So there's the paranoia of seeing my CO at one of their weddings with a date, though it doesn't appear that he went to the first and I've seen no indication that he's in Europe for the next. But it's more that it feels like everyone in the world is falling in love and getting married, except for me. I usually feel pretty lonely, but it's been so much worse lately. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

If it makes you feel any better, I've been there. I've gotten to meet some singers and bands over the years, a few of my former CO's being among them. I usually clam up or say something I think is stupid. Every once in a while I can sort of keep it together and actually chat with them a bit, but that's rare. It helps if it's someone I'm not attracted to because those are the worst for me. And then I've met a couple who were so friendly and warm that they made me feel comfortable. But more often than not I leave a meet and greet mentally smacking myself on the head for not saying anything. I'm so jealous of people who can talk to absolutely anyone! I have a cousin like that. It doesn't matter who they are. She'll meet someone and before too long it's like they've been friends for years. I'd love to be like that. Sorry to hear about your car accident! Hope things get better soon. Meanwhile, the weekend I've been dreading is here. That wedding I've been worrying about is today. And then my birthday is the 1st. I just want to get it over with. I'll be so relieved to get to Monday!

I'm so sorry that happened to you. The wedding hasn't happened yet, I'm just worrying over something that might happen. It sounds so silly to me when I type it out like that. But I'm going to keep your words in mind in case it does. You're right. If he does bring a date (if he even goes to the wedding), it doesn't mean that she's the love of his life. Everything was so much easier before social media! It's so easy to come across something upsetting these days. None of my COs have ever been super famous, at least not while they were my CO. I tend to go for lesser known singers and now athletes. The last few have been pretty private, but I still manage to come across things I'd rather avoid. The tricky part is I don't have any friends here and social media is pretty much the only way I ever connect with anyone. I like that part of it. I just wish I could have that without all the bad stuff. I'm so happy this place exists!

@FlashFlame23that message was exactly what I needed to see right now, so thank you for that. It made me smile. Hold onto that hope you have because it's hard to get it back once you've lost it. That's where I've been lately. I've just been feeling sad and hopeless. I know a lot of it is because of my birthday which is coming up faster than I'd like. I'm dreading it so much. I also came across some other fans talking about how much they liked my CO and one who wants to figure out a way to set her best friend up with him and it made me weirdly jealous. I mean, it's not surprising. He's an attractive guy, I'm sure there's plenty of women (and probably some men too, for that matter) who are attracted to him. But I don't need or want to see it. The upside is that he's got to be the most underrated player on our team, both in terms of his talent and his looks. There's an absurd amount of handsome men on the team and there's a handful that get gushed over more than the rest. My CO is not part of said handful, but I imagine that will change. He seems to get better (and more handsome) every season and more and more people are seeing it. He deserves to have his talent recognized, but I like that he doesn't get gushed over as much. The team put out a video of a song one of the other guys on the team wrote for his fiancee and in it, they said they'd be getting married at the end of the month. I'm happy for them - not that I know much about them or anything, but they seemed like a cute couple in the interview they did. I'm not upset about the wedding. I'm worried that my CO will be there with a date and I'll see a picture. Granted, I have no idea if my CO is even going and if he does, he might not have a date. And if he does, it doesn't mean it's a girlfriend. I know that, logically, but still. The upside of this situation is that the guy getting married isn't on social media and I don't follow his fiancee. Plus her account is private and I have no interest in trying to follow her. I don't follow any of the wives/girlfriends of any of the players. So that cuts down the risk of seeing any pictures. But then again, if my CO posts one...ugh. I know it's pointless to worry about something that might not happen, but I do. And the wedding is a day or two before my birthday. I might just have to will myself not to go on Instagram on those days. Just in case.

@ViceCityKittyI've never really thought of it as a comfort object for my CO exactly, but I do have this stuffed bear that I hold onto when I'm upset about something and in thinking about it I do think about my CO whenever I do. So I guess in a way that's kind of been one. I've been feeling silly because I was so worried about him being at this event I thought he would be at and it turns out he was playing in some kind of charity hockey game instead so he wasn't even at said event. I did come across a picture of him with a couple of kids at that game he played in. The caption said he'd given them each a signed hockey stick and all I could think was, great, one more reason to like him. It also got me wondering what kind of father he'd be, though I shut down that train of that pretty quickly. It just didn't seem like a good path to go down. I have been a bit baffled at how he seems to look better with every new picture I see. I don't know what it was about this one. He wasn't dressed up or anything. He was just wearing a plain white shirt, shorts and flip flops, but he looked so handsome. Figures.

I look up people from my past sometimes too and it rarely ends well. It seems like I'm one of the only people from my class who isn't married and doesn't have kids. It bugs me a lot sometimes. I've never been confident, ever. I remember some friends encouraging me to write a note to a boy I had a crush on in 8th grade at the end of the school year. He didn't like me, at least not the way I wanted him to. He was nice about it, which is something, but it still hurt. The upside was that I started going to a different school the next year so I never saw him again. Not in person. We're friends on facebook now and he has a kid now. I've been over him for a long time, but it's just one more person who has a family. One more reminder that I don't have a family of my own. Since then I've never found the courage to tell any other guy I was interested in that I liked him. Of course, it's been a long time since I was interested in a regular, non-celebrity guy. I can't even imagine trying to tell my CO that I'm attracted to him! Especially since so many of these guys date models and no one's ever going to mistake me for a model. My self-esteem has been pretty non-existent for a while now. I can't imagine why any guy would ever be interested in me, even if I was a gorgeous model type. I have too many issues.

Yeah, celebrities usually have some sort of public address for this kind of thing. I know some people who have sent things to someone's talent agency or record label to be passed on to the act, depending on what kind of celebrity you're sending it to. Sometimes a gift could be sent to a venue a celebrity is performing at too. If it's a musician, several offer official meet and greets through their fan clubs that you can enter to win. Some have VIP meet and greets that people can pay for and then some will sign at their merchandise table after their concert. So you could hand it to them directly in any of those scenarios. That's how I've done it. When the group of us have done it, we all just sent our cards to someone who had a meet and greet at a show close to the recipient's birthday and they would give them the bundle then.

If it makes you feel any better, I think all of us think that about ourselves at some point. I know I certainly do! @anxiousE You're not bringing the thread down. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. And @HopelessRomantic2011I don't know of this'll help you or not, but I've sent birthday gifts/cards to celebrities before. In fact, I've been a part of a fan group that sends the members of a music group we all like birthday cards. They always seem to appreciate it, for whatever that's worth. As for me, my CO is going to be at an event on Saturday and I'm torn between hoping to see new pictures of him and not wanting to see anything at all. It's that constant fear of seeing him with another woman. Even in saying that, a part of me almost wishes I knew for sure what his relationship status was so I could know instead of constantly waiting for the other show to drop. Is that crazy? Especially since I know that when the day comes that he does have a serious girlfriend it's going to break my heart. I just wish I could enjoy my daydreams about him, about us, without worrying about all this other stuff that I can't do anything about.

@starbucksjunkeeI couldn't bring myself to watch the Gilmore Girls revival. I've heard so many awful things about it. Thanks! I like a variety. Out of the musicals I've seen, my favorites are Les Mis, Phantom, Wicked, Lion King and Something Rotten. Some of my favorite cast recordings of shows I haven't seen are Waitress, Hamilton, Next to Normal and now The Band's Visit. I'm having an odd day. I'm doing pretty good on the self-care front. Last night I made myself take a shower and do a thorough hair washing, since I've been neglecting my hair. But now it's nice and clean and soft. It feels so much better! Then I found the energy to change my sheets and even flossed before trying to sleep and felt good about that. But then I couldn't sleep, as is usually the case. So I started to fall down the rabbit hole of worrying about that comment I'm trying not to worry about and imagining my CO meeting all kinds of women. A few of his teammates are getting married and I worry about stumbling across pictures and seeing him with a date. Granted, I don't when any of them are getting married and whose to say that my CO will be at any of them. I know nothing good can come from worrying about it, but I do. That's what made me listen to The Band's Visit last night. I'd been curious about the show and then it did really well at the Tony's, so I decided to get the cast recording and absolutely loved it. It completely pulled me in and, more importantly, out of the rabbit hole. Of course, when I tried to sleep again I still couldn't. This time is was because I just could not get comfortable for the life of me. I started thinking about my CO again, but not like earlier. More missing him than anything. I got to thinking about how nice it would be to fall asleep in his arms. I've never fallen asleep in anyone's arms before. Maybe when I was little, but certainly not as an adult. I think that must be so wonderful, especially during those nights when I can't sleep because of my anxiety or pain. And I've decided that my CO looks like he'd be a comfortable pillow. He'd make me feel so safe and I need that. Sometimes I wonder if I'd feel better if I tried to date, but it's hard to meet anyone when I rarely leave the house. And I don't know if I'm in a good place to try dating anyway. But sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to meet a nice guy and maybe have an actual relationship. I've never been in one which is pretty embarrassing for a person of my age. That's been bothering me lately. My birthday is coming up in about three weeks and I'm dreading it. One more year spent alone. I'm tired of being alone, but I don't see that changing anytime soon. Besides the only guy I want is my CO.

@BlueStarrI'm going to try to take your advice because I know you're right. That comment really could mean anything or nothing. I don't know anything about the guy who posted it and who knows how well he even knows my CO in the first place. It's hard not to worry though, but I'm going to do my best. On a happier note, things seemed a tiny bit better today. I'm still not feeling great physically speaking, but yesterday was worse. I know I'm not alone in how my depression makes it hard to do even the basic things, especially in regards to self care. I've been putting off doing my laundry, but made myself do it and that helped. Plus I've been on a musicals kick lately and have realized that listening to new (or new to me, anyway) cast recordings of shows is a great distraction for me. I get caught up listening to the lyrics and following along on a plot synopsis and it takes my mind off everything else, at least for a while. It helped last night when I was worrying, so I might pick another new show and try it again tonight.

This has been a terrible day. It seems like it takes less to trigger me these days and I don't know why that is. For some reason I made the mistake of going on the instagram of that clothing line my CO has become affliated with. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew it would somehow make me feel worse, but I'm me so I did it anyway. They posted another of his pictures again, this one with his teammate and another guy. Not a problem. Not what triggered me. No, what triggered me was a comment someone made. Why I looked at the comments, I have no idea, but this was by some dude saying "CO's name looking for her". That's it. That's what upset me. I keep wondering who is this her he's looking for? A girlfriend, a girl he likes, what? Or is there even a specific girl like did he mean it in a looking for love kind of way? That's what I've been obsessing over since I saw it. Of all the things. So I guess I'm back to seeing if I can avoid that page from here on out. I say that knowing that I'm going to slip again because I'm too weak not to. I just hate that something so small could bother me so much. Granted, it's been a rough few days in general and my vertigo is acting up today and I'm just not feeling great. Everything always seems worse when I'm not feeling well. But I'm so depressed and it's getting worse. I miss him and kind of hate him at the same time for making me feel the way he does. Then I feel bad for kind of hating him for someone he doesn't even know he's doing. It's not his fault and hate is a strong word. I don't hate him, I hate this feeling. He makes me feel so awful and so wonderful at the same time. Ugh.

I was just thinking about how much easier having a CO was before Instagram. It's become it's own addiction and one I need to break. I go on there when I'm bored or can't sleep and sometimes look at the suggested ones only to find a picture of my CO that one of his friends posted. The picture itself was fine. It was just my CO with a few of his friends, all guys. The problem is that I then went and looked at his friend's page to see if he had another other pictures with my CO. I hate that I do things like that. It makes me feel like such a creeper, but I can't help myself. It's different if it's one of my CO's teammates - one of them was in that first picture I saw - because I follow most of them anyway because I like them. It feels less creepy. But this felt like such an invasion of privacy, even though the friend's page is public. It also makes me feel crazy because I can't resist the impulse, even knowing that it could lead me to something I don't want to see. That and seeing new pictures of my CO makes me equal parts happy and sad. Happy, because I like looking at him. Sad, because I know I'll never be with him. I hate this feeling.

Welcome! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but talking about it with other people who understand does help. This struck a chord with me. Suffocating is a good word for that feeling. I've been feeling that way lately too and it's a terrible way to feel. Especially when I try to keep myself distracted, but keep getting pulled back in the way you described. This stuff is so exhausting sometimes.

I hate how I've been feeling lately. My CO plays on my favorite team in the NHL and they were kicked out in the second round of the playoffs. It might sound silly, but watching hockey helps my depression. There's so much uncertainty in my life right now and the games give me something to look forward to. Maybe it's not so silly. I don't know. I never cared much for sports until I got interested in hockey about eight years ago, give or take. I never expected a hockey player to become my CO. Or any athlete, for that matter. I've said it before, my COs are usually musicians. This one caught me by surprise. I was not prepared for how much more depressed I'd be once the season ended. I miss seeing him play. He was in a picture one of the other guys on the team posted a couple days ago and he would look good in it. They seem to be partying it up in Vegas right now and it got me thinking about how they have more free time in the offseason. Probably makes it easier to meet people. I'm dreading the day when I see a picture of him with another woman. I mean, I said in a previous post that he was very private and didn't share much. But that was also true for my last two COs and I still got blindsided by pictures of them with other women/girlfriends. I hate how jealous it makes me. I hate how depressed I've been and the loneliness is really getting to me lately. More so than usual. I don't want to get out of bed most days, though I've been making myself get up and get dressed even if I have nowhere to be. Which is usually the case these days. But I feel a bit better when I make an effort to change out of my pajamas. It seems like such a small thing, all things considered. But it's something.

@starbucksjunkee I'm so sorry about the loss of your dog. I lost my golden very unexpectedly a few years ago and it's gotten better over time, but sometimes I miss her so much I can't stand it. I've pretty much had dogs all my life and they really do become like best friends. So sad when we lose them.

That's exactly what it's like. A drug. A way to escape from reality. I agree with trying to stay busy, but for me that's easier said than done. It's so hard sometimes. Instagram continues to be a problem for me. I was doing so good avoiding two accounts that have seemed problematic, but I caved and looked. The upside is at least some of the pictures from the photoshoot I was worried about were up and they weren't as bad as I worried they might be. Actually, they weren't bad at all, but I still think I need to stay away from those accounts. The downside is that my team just got eliminated from the playoffs and as depressed as I am about it, the worst part may be that I won't get to see my CO on TV until October. Maybe that'll turn out to be a good thing. It just makes me so sad to think that the season is over and I'll be without my regular fix, if you want to call it that.

Good question! Sometimes I wish I had never heard of Instagram. Out of all the social media sites, that one has caused the most damage to me. It's been a strange couple of days. On one hand, I'm proud of myself because I've resisted the urge to look at the pages for that photographer and clothing line I unfollowed. On the other, I feel like I've checked my CO's page more often than usual. Nothing new. The last picture he was tagged in that shows up is from December and the last picture he posted was a great one of him from another photoshoot. I have that picture saved and wish I could resist the urge to keep checking his page for anything new. You know what else is strange? The playoffs for his sport are happening right now and there's games pretty much every other day so I see him play, but I miss him on the off days. How does that even work? How can I miss someone I've never actually met? But I do.

That was part of the reason why I stopped posting too. It was making me uncomfortable to read. I'm so relieved that they're gone. It definitely feels healthy here again. I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now, though good for you for going 5 months without watching him. Social media has such a nasty way of backfiring on us. Sometimes going on twitter or instagram feels like stepping out into a potential minefield. Thank you! Today I went and unfollowed the clothing line and the photographer who took the pictures. A part of me feels bad since I do like the photographer, especially since I like taking pictures myself and like his. None of this is his fault, but I just don't think it's good for me to follow him right now. Maybe I'll refollow him once I can get myself in a better place. My resolve only goes so far though, since I'm still following my CO and can't bring myself to unfollow him. Though I have resisted the urge to turn on notifications for when he posts. Granted, I still end up looking on his page to see if he's posted anything, but I think not having the notifications on helps a little. Not a silly question. I do have a few pictures of him saved on my phone, I just need to be better about looking at them when I have the urge to check out his Instagram. Sometimes I'll watch some of the videos he's in on the team's page, but those are either just him or him and his teammates so they don't cause problems for me. What's weird is there's one video of him playing that heads up game with one of the team's broadcasters who is a pretty woman, but that one doesn't bug me. It's frustrating how I can be okay with that and have a meltdown over something like a photoshoot. But then this broadcaster has been with the team for a few years and I liked her before my CO became my CO so that probably explains it. I do think bringing others into my daydreams grounds them in a way and makes them feel more real. Oh my gosh, I relate to this so much. Especially since, as it happens, I'm also only 5 feet tall. My CO is 6'1", so not quite as tall as yours but I so love the idea of snuggling up next to him. I always think about how safe I would probably feel in his arms and that makes me happy. But that part about being left with emptiness without the fantasties...that's exactly how I feel. I'm sorry you're having a bad day. If it helps, you're not alone.

Hey everyone. I have a bad habit of posting in here, well in the old thread, a couple of times here and there and then disappearing for a while. Reading through the posts here always makes me feel less alone in this, but I'm sorry to see people struggling with it too. It hurts so much sometimes! @decado I agree that depression and COs are linked. I struggle with depression and when that's bad, I tend to cling more to the fantasy. I don't really have friends, at least none that live where I do and can't remember the last time I did anything fun. I usually tend to go for guys in music groups and more recently part of a sports team. At first I thought it was just how it's worked out, but in thinking about it I think there's more to it. I have two older siblings, but we've never been close. I've always been jealous of people with big families where they all love and support each other. I love my parents, but I always wanted to be part of a big family like that. In the fantasies I create, the other members of the group/team end up becoming friends or like siblings. So I definitely use my COs to fill a void. I have a new CO, one who is a teammate of my last CO. I found out the last one had a girlfriend and I tried to hang on to the dream at first, but it's hard for me to do that when I know they're in a relationship. So I started paying more attention to said teammate to have something to hold onto. This one seems more intense than the last. I feel like I have way more in common with this new one, so maybe that's it. The last couple of COs I've had had all been pretty private and this one is no exception. They've also been guys who aren't terribly well known. The team these last two are on is getting a ton of attention lately since they've been doing so well, but they don't get the attention other players do. In some ways I like it since it makes it easier to think they're actually single which helps me keep the dream going. The problem is when I get blindsided by something - like a picture of them with a woman - it feels like more of a betrayal. This CO stuff is so weird sometimes! I've never met these last two and logically know that it really isn't a betrayal, but it still feels like that. Earlier tonight I was looking at instagram stories, not even any in particular, I was just bored and letting them play. It came to a photographer I follow who apparently did a photoshoot for a clothing company with my CO, one of his teammates and two women. There were a couple of short videos of the shoot. One of the women is his teammates fiancée. Then there's the other one. Now I've been upset at the thought that the other woman might be my CO's girlfriend. Here's the thing. My current CO doesn't post much on social media. His last tweet was last fall. He has an instagram, but can go months between posting anything. On the rare occasion that he does post, it usually has something to do with the team. If not, its likely to be a picture of him with his family or some friends. I actually went and scrolled through his instagram after seeing those videos, going way back and have never seen any pictures of him and a girlfriend. If he's had one sometime over the last few years, you'd never know it. Last year, he was included in a list of the city's most eligible singles. Then the team did a fashion show to raise money for charity in February and the guys walked the runway with the significant others, if they have one. Along with a kid from a local charity. This was how I found out about my last CO's girlfriend. From everything I've seen, my current CO just walked the runway with the kid he was paired with. So there's been no indication of him having a girlfriend. Basically, those two little 10 second or so videos are the first possible hint that maybe he isn't single after all. I guess I feel like if the one girl is his teammate's fiancée, then there's a chance the other is my CO's girlfriend. Worth mentioning that my CO doesn't even interact with this girl in either of the videos. In one, he's standing next to his teammate and some other guy for pictures. In the other one, he was sitting next to his teammate. Everyone involved in the shoot was tagged in the video and the girl in questions's instagram is private. I actually looked because that's what this obsession does to me. It all sounds so much nuttier now that I'm typing it out. That's the extent of my "evidence". I really hate this. Now I'm dreading seeing pictures from the photoshoot, even though I know they won't prove anything one way or the other. It's a photoshoot to promote a clothing line, after all. And who's to say that they'll even be any pictures of them together. Maybe there'll be some group shots with everyone, but who knows? It seems like the only way I would know for sure is if my CO says something about her specifically. But that seems unlikely given his posting history. I hate that I'm stressed out about something like this. This girl could just as easily be dating whoever the other guy is or maybe she was just brought in for the shoot. But the thought that she could be my CO's girlfriend makes me feel sick. :( Sorry for the novel, but thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read it. Sending out hugs to those of you who need them.