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  1. Today's off to a very bad start. A lot of decisions I need to make but I don't know what to do. I wish I could see my mom. I wish I could have one day where reality isn't real. I wish I could feel her hug me and let me sob into her arms. I've messed up so bad and it seems like this person named karma is raining down on me. I'm really scared of the future. God help me..please.
  2. Thank you all. I'm sorry if I come off as bratty at all, it's very hard having to listen to my thoughts all day. Bf is gonna be home soon but I will respond as I can tomorrow. Again I really really appreciate the responses. One piece of good news, our apartment apparently is roach free so fingers crossed we can move out tomorrow and that they are truly gone. Big hugs to everyone I'll keep you all posted.
  3. Thank you both for saying I deserve kindness because I really really needed to hear that..
  4. Thank you both. I really appreciate you guys for taking the time to read all this. You're right. I understand definitely. I am sorry if I seem bratty. I spend almost all of my time feeling guilty for everything I've done especially the last 3 months. In a way I have unconsciously hurt every single person who has has hurt me. I'm going to check out the link you shared. I have had two therapists but I moved counties so they no longer accept my insurance. I have been unable to find another that will take it so that's out of the plan until I can somehow learn to talk and make myself not look homeless so I can get another job. If I could find a job based on the fact that I just showed up I'm sure someone would hire me. I have 0 hobbies and am not good at anything. The only thing I was good at was talking but that's currently taking a vacation and who knows when it'll come back. Thank you both again. I wish I could make these shorter but every time I do I feel like I leave something out or I'm lying.
  5. I'm proud of myself for not trying to you know What myself again in the last 9 months.
  6. You're looking at the product of a dysfunctional childhood right here :/
  7. Note to self: you don't belong in a trash can. Forgive yourself.
  8. I've done an extensive amount of googling in the past couple months and everything only talks about the victim this the victim that. Nobody ever says how the person committing the crime heals and gets their life on track. The bad people are supposed to suffer. That's what the internet and the whole world preaches. Thank you for still being kind to me. Other then my boyfriend I really don't see much kindness these days :(
  9. Thank you for acknowledging my post.
  10. It's ok. I forgot to mention his younger sister hates him and me too. Nobody really acknowledges I'm there and she says whatever she wants about me like I'm not even sitting there. I understand I'm a piece of and I deserve to be hated but idk.. I still am a person. A lame excuse for one but I am.. Thankfully Michael only works until 7 and will be home by 8 but for now I'm hanging out outside because she scares me and at least out here no one can judge me.. I wish I didn't have to go back..I don't belong anywhere anymore :( it's all my fault that's the worst part. If Michael was by himself he could have found a room share for cheap.. Instead of the bad review roach infested place. I'm praying the landlords there get it clean. I really want to be out of his sisters way. I feel bad we had to come back but she's even more angry now. I would rather be covered in roaches then make someone else's life bad. Its alright I understand if no one can say anything. I'm the only one and I know I'm alone in this. I deserve it. If You pray pray I stop ruining everyone's lives. I don't care what happens to me, I deserve nothing.
  11. I didn't want to have to do this but Google isn't helping and it seems like I'm the only person (who actually asks online..) who has/is going through this. I'm not even really sure where to start but I'll try to do my best. I'm not sure what exactly I want from this but..even being told I'm horrible would be better then nothing.. I'll try to make this brief without ignoring any important details. The past: I was born developmentally delayed. My mother also had a very stressful pregnancy due to my father being an alcoholic/abusive. I don't remember a lot about my childhood but I know I was a problem child. I was kind and loving but I had a lot of problems. Up until my teens my parents always bought me presents on everyone's birthdays and I got an extra present on mine.when I was about 7 my brother made me walk on the back deck and sing in the nude. My older sister wouldn't do it. Shortly after my mom remarried (my parents divorced when I was 2) and somehow my 3 step siblings found out about it. For years they told me if I didn't do their chores or whatever for them that they'd tell my mom and I'd be in big trouble (my mom had some serious rage issues herself..) so it went on. Growing up my siblings (I think) didn't like me very much. I was always doing something bad. I used to take the fall for a lot of things just because I wanted to. My sister resents me because she feels like I got more attention and that I'm a spoiled brat. Any who at about 15 I discovered skinamax and became obsessed with pornography. My father even caught me on a website.. When Jr high began everything changed for me.. I flashed the boys all the time to the point where I had two different groups who would wait for me to do it until I finally begged them to stop asking me. Of course throughout my Jr high years I showed many guys.. Then came hs.. Up until this point I had been pretty sheltered other then what I was exposed to at school. I wasn't really allowed to go to anyone's houses or sleep over so I never had the chance to mess up that badly. My step grandfather (the only one I really had because my biological had basically written us off a while ago..) grabbed my boobs for a while (honestly Irk how long my concept of time is really really bad along with my terrible memory) whenever we were alone or my grandma wasn't looking.. I told my step sister one day (idk why) and of course she told everyone at our church.. My mother was upset with me for not telling her. I begged her not to tell him I told. After that he was over for a holiday and my brother almost saw him do it. It never happened again. In 10th grade I started smoking garden shrub. After failing the 10th grade twice I dropped out. I stopped smoking garden shrub because I really had no way to get it. During this time my mother had lost her job and I was the only one making money in the house so naturally I offered to help until she got a New job. She never did.. I got a New job and life was going really well besides a few things like my mother wracking up charges and destroying my credit. Apparently she was trying to help me.. It doesn't explain the bad check she wrote though.. Of course my sister and my mother will validate that she bought me things with these credit cards that were in my name..so apparently it's all my fault because I'm so greedy and wanted to buy things while I worked 40 hours a week. Ok so maybe I can't make this as short as I wanted..I'm sorry.. Just a sidenote none of this isn't to blame anyone, just need to share everything in order to get a proper response. Over the course of my life my father has moved in and out of living with us. When I was 21 almost 22 my mother asked me to fax something very uncomfortable at my work. I showed my father because I was so freaked out..or maybe I just wanted an excuse to get out idk.. He helped me get out I found a roommate and I was on top of the world. My father moved out right after, leaving my mother to take care of the rent at the house alone. Simple right? Wrong. She had been out of work since I was 18 and now I was 21 almost 22. Not that I even think she was trying tbh.. Not the point though. She got evicted of course and found a roommate. Whew mom's fine I can live finally. She had to move out. She finds another place. Evicted again. Then she asks me if she can stay with me for a week until her place is ready. One week turns into a month. Instead of telling me my mother needed out he wrote me a nasty note about doing the dishes..(I cleaned this place spotless at least once a week keep in mind. I hardly ever used the common areas and I made literally 0 noise.) this is where most of my problems start..who knew what a long 5 years this was going to be.. I moved out because I was angry. Two wrongs don't equal a right.. I should have talked to him. So I move in with my mom her bf and some dude she knew. I'm not sure why I thought things would be different. They werent. The only difference was my ss wasnt being used this time. Yet again eviction. The rumor is that my mom was pocketing all the rent money I was giving her. I don't know the real reason. By This time I had met Brice and was experiencing mental breakdown number one. We moved to the new house. I moved in with Brice. I didn't know it but I did haha. For a few months I paid both my rent there and at my mom's. Brice got laid off and I had to foot the rent while he looked for a New job. I quit my job thinking I had a new one but my own lack of follow up lost me the position to someone else. I got a New job and all was well again. Sort of. A year later I quit my job..again for a better paying job but it turned out to be a scam. I found a new job and yet again life seemed oh so grand. Brice dumped me the weekend we were moving into a New place and because of my distress I made an accounting error and was fired for the first time in my life. I shortly there after found a place to live and a New job. Yay rainbows and butterflies..wait for it.... My landlord turns out to be a scam artist and my ex starts dating a New girl like the day after he dumped me. Of course he was feeding me other bs so I would keep sleeping with him. It got to the point where Wed have to have sex outside because nobody trusted us to be alone. I moved back in with mom dad and mom's bf. I transferred closer to my house and everything was great. I was starting school and I was happy. I dropped out of school (for the third time, twice from college) because I give up very easily. But I was still ok. I had been used by 10 or more men at this point. Sexually, and financially. It never seemed to stop. I was addicted to finding love. I really don't know why. I had a job I loved and for once I was being treated like a grown up. For the first time in 10 years my family wasn't taking advantage of me financially. Then I met Michael. Of course like every guy who shows me any sort of attention I thought he was the one. It was a lot of work but eventually we got together. Things were great. I got promoted at work and I had finally found my way. Then things slowly went down hill. I had another mental break down that was so bad I almost lost my life over it. The whole time I was at the mental hospital the focus was Michael and how my mom didn't want me to talk to him while I was in there. I got out a week later and went home with him. I should have went with my parents.. I became very paranoid and didn't want to go to my parents house. Eventually he told me I shouldn't talk to them anymore. It was mostly my fault for sharing everything that had happened. Forgot to mention: My step father was also a really bad alcoholic and he left my mom for another woman. Several times. Michael became more and more abusive. One night I prayed. Then things hit their worst. I got out and had a fresh start. I was me again. Finally. Fast forward: long story short after 2 months I just about lost my mind again but I had no idea. I was using men and had dropped out of school yet again. I had one month until I was out of my state and could clear my head for a few months. I couldn't wait. I was completely out of control but all I had to do was make it one more month. Now here's where I can't understand or explain. I got a hold of my ex to talk. When he got there it was surreal. I was scared. So I said I wanted to go with him. I had my own place to go. He was abusive again several times yet I never went back to my place I never tried to leave even though I had an escape. I ended up smoking meth with his landlord because I had sent some pics to my exes friend who I had fallen for at the time and he had told everyone but Michael.. I was scared if I said no he'd tell him so I did it..several times. I tried to say no but he kept asking. Because of my social anxiety and my history of old men being creepy towards me I have a hard time defending myself in those situations. I still had the escape yet I still chose to stay. Michael is very very smart. He figured out something was up and got me to confess everything. He exploded on the landlord and it sent us to his mom's apt. Weeks later he got upset and abusive again. I left. I had screwed over pretty much everyone in my immediate life by getting back with him so I had to beg for help from where ever I could get it.. I tried to start over again but after two weeks I caved and went back again. Since being back he has been really kind and sweet so I can't complain about that.. We finally got approved for an apt but there were roaches so we are back at his mom's for another week. So what's the problem? More like what isn't the problem. I have ruined not only my own life but my boyfriends too. Because of me he has no friends and is homeless. He still has his job but because of my actions I lost my good job. I tried to file for unemployment again but I'm pretty sure I was denied.. I'm scared to tell him. I want to work again but I can barely talk to anyone and it scares me to struggle at a job again. I still have my schools computer too which I'm very nervous about. I haven't used it but it still belongs to the program. I'm scared I'm going to go to jail but to be honest maybe it would do everyone some good if I was locked up. I don't know what to do. I know my bf has made some mistakes but I hate what me coming back has done. I keep hoping this is all a bad dream. How could I do this? I want to write my mom and dad a letter saying I'm sorry and that I love them and goodbye. All I can hope is that they are happy. I'm not going to be selfish and hurt them anymore. I've tried getting family and him to commit me but nobody ever takes me seriously. I cry every day because every commercial and song reminds me of my parents. Every show is about the state I didn't go to and I have to choke back to not lose it. I have bi polar and I'm pretty sure I'm bpd and npd esp since npd runs in my family. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. My grasp on reality is gone. I stay inside All day because I look terrible and I'm too scared to go outside or to the store. Or worse leave the house and come back. I can't even really clean if anyone is here. I don't drive and I can barely do anything. I'm hopeless and I'm a terrible excuse for a person friend daughter and girlfriend. I'm currently still experiencing break down number 4. 3 in less then a year. I don't care if I'm hurting myself I deserve to suffer after everything I've done. But everyone else does not deserve this. I need to figure out a way to live again. I need to start over for real. I have to. I can't try to **** myself again. It won't work and if anything Will only do more damage. If you've made it this far, I'm sorry you had to read so much but I need people to understand. Someone please help me. Help me find the way. I want to make life better for Michael too.
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