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About birdiexris

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  1. i've bene having those feelings of hopelessness again. I've been trying to put my life in line for months now. Yesterday I went through most of my drawers and removed what i didn't want anymore. It was a good first pass and gave me a nice garbage bag of clothes to donate. I'll be through my closet today, finally being rid of a ton of stuff i just don't need and shouldn't be a burden on my wife.
  2. Same as ever. Been researching ways to check out for the last couple days. Need to get $20K worth of business debt in order and put my wife's name on the house though before i go. I'm not sure how i'm going to make it through the next few months, it's been a long time coming and i can't wait to finally feel like i can rest. It doesn't seem like i did much damage to anyone in my life - i've checked up on those that i know I've hurt by my stupidity - many are married, many have children, at least i didn't royally screw up anyone else's life.
  3. I don't even know how to explain how i'm feeling effectively. I know i have some sort of depression, i've been struggling to see a professional now for quite a while, having my own ups and downs and just generally feeling like an awful human being. More recently, i find that i lie awake at night and agonize about what to most people are the dumbest things. I've noticed that they all share the common themes of me being a bad person - or maybe thinking i am? I don't actively engage in terrible behavior, in fact i try to do as much good for other people as i can simply because i feel like my every breath is causing them to have a bad day or to be stressed or anxious themselves. The most recent - i reprimanded someone at the office. As their supervisor, it's my job. It was justified and a while coming, but i'm overcome with the feeling that i failed this person. Struggling if i did the right thing, was i in the right, why did it happen, could it have been avoided, is this person going to be ok, how will everyone else in the office feel if they find out - all sorts of things that are going through my head. All of them pertain to making others feel bad. All of this means i don't sleep. when i don't sleep, i think more. i write on forums. I think about self harm as an escape. it's a downward spiral that feels like it will never end but one way. I want to scream, but i'm afraid to wake up my wife and ruin her night. You'd think it's normal to feel that way when you've had a potentially life-altering exchange with someone, but that's not it. I look at the world, at the problems in it and i KNOW that these things are trivial and small in comparison. Still i can't get away from the feelings of dread and anxiety over every little action. Everything from "did i cut that person off" to "did i say hello too aggressively?" Any interaction with another person, good or bad, triggers anxiety that i'm inconveniencing them somehow. Like somehow their day would have been better without me in it. Nuisance. Idiot. Why are you even still alive? Why hasn't the universe gotten rid of you so you can't inconvenience these other people? It sparks a chain reaction until my entire waking hours are taken up measuring just how much of a piece of shit i was that day. Apologize, don't apologize that much, they're going to feel bad. Vicious isn't even the word for the toilet-flush circle that happens. tuesday, I was told by HR that i won a gift card from our "morale board" - which is a thing where people write thanks and put it up with a thumbtack for all to see in the break room. Apparently I had the most nice things said about me...but my reaction wasn't thank you, it was "how?" I can't believe that anyone would ever have something nice to say about me. Why would they? I don't do anything to warrant post its or index cards with accolades. Every fiber of my being didn't want to take it, but i did because i didn't want to be insubordinate or non-participatory in the thing that everybody likes to do. I want things to work out for everyone, but i'm too afraid to take part in it. I hate my life, but i fear change. I want to succeed but i'm afraid to do so. I want to talk to someone but don't want to burden them with my problems. most of all, i want to disappear. If i were wiped off the earth, it would affect nothing. I do nothing. Here i am, someone who just tore a person's life up with a written warning and i'm not even able to calm myself down enough to function. What do i do, being terrible at life? After all this, i suppose i feel anxious. I feel empty. I feel alone. I feel tired - not of being awake, but of just being. It's 2:12 am.I feel hollow.
  4. @piccola i take mine in the AM with some water. Generally, i have no apatite anyway so i don't take it with food. Doesn't seem to hurt it at all - or at least i guess not. Can't really say. Doctors orders i moved onto the full 50mg pill now and nothing really seems off. I do still feel really dry though. Drink water.
  5. I started as well about 2 weeks ago and just recently moved onto the full 50mg tablet. I didn't experience the majority of what you have, but I did feel a little "weird" for the first couple days, but it wasn't anything that i concerned myself with, as it went away relatively quickly. I think it could best be described as the ear thing you experienced. Kind of "crunchy head" i guess. Everything is tight and a little foggy. I do feel more energetic though. It seems like it took away a lot of the physical issues of depression and anxiety - most of my OCD even seems to have gone away or gotten more bearable... The thing is, the mental dread aspect is still there. Even on the pills, i'm not finding entertainment in the things i used to love either. Still not really into social interactions.
  6. Same boat. When i think back at all the things i've done, it just puts me deeper into the pit.
  7. I feel and understand your guilt @sober4life. My wife recently lost her mother at the start of 2018. She was only 66, or would have been - I may be mistaken, good memory for dates isn't a trait i possess. The calendar told me her birthday would have been this past Tuesday. It was sudden, with no warning - like you feel now, I stood there in the hospital wishing i could take her place because i knew that i had no ability to comfort her daughter or her family. I knew i was the one who deserved this and felt she was a better person. I couldn't help but feel it was my doing - they were all being punished for the person that i am and the way i feel. Failing parents is the worst feeling. I have a step-mother that i always felt hated me. I was never as good as her kids and never would be. Turns out she was correct, i suppose, but that feeling is tough to get rid of. She isn't even my real mom. i was told by someone that you could never fail your parents. That they'd always be proud no matter what. I'd sorely like to believe thats true, and you should too. Value any time that you still have - So much of my regret in life is that i didn't say things to my grandparents and parents, specifically Grandfather who basically raised me as a man. I've squandered their lessons and failed at the task of being a son. You still have a chance. 💗
  8. Does it ever end? Is there a time that i get to just sit down and say "it's over" and not have to be depressed anymore? Will i ever think of myself as a person rather than a burden ? 

  9. I feel ungrateful. More than that i feel empty. I am successful - i have a roof over my head, i'm married, i have a job, healthcare and I donate to charity, try to volunteer when possible, and try to treat those around me well and be helpful whenever possible. All of that, and I feel empty. I feel like i don't belong on this planet - like i could disappear and nothing would be different. I don't feel like any of the above matters. I feel guilty because of the way my life is and that someone else would do better with it than me. I feel invisible and that i am a piece of crap that everyone has to put up with. An eye-sore on the planet. I lay awake at night and feel guilt. I start my day feeling indifferent, then sink into depression and self-hatred that i hide from everyone behind a fake smile. I sneak away and pump myself full of drugs and alcohol until i feel up to the task of facing people for another day. The things i used to enjoy don't light me up anymore. I constantly feel down, despite the cards i've been dealt and the outcome of my work - for that i feel ungrateful.
  10. Well, it's been over another year - I'm still here but barely. No progress on medication or therapy. I just don't qualify as depressed I guess. I just have sadness sometimes. I don't know. There's no help for it and I've come to terms with that. What I haven't come to terms with is my place in this world. I don't have one. It's odd because all I ever hear is how doctors just want to over-medicate people and here I am unable to get some. My wife lost her mother earlier this year. At 66, her mother wasn't old - not in poor health - and it was definitely sudden. They were waiting to go to a church function and she died of a heart attack in a matter of minutes while my FIL was getting changed. I took 2 weeks off of work to stay with her in her parent's house and took care of everything for them. I knew something was wrong that whole time because I was numb. I felt like her mother was the lucky one. I felt like i could trade places with her and it would have been 1000% better for everyone involved. They were very close, the entire family. It's never going to be the same for them. I'm still numb. I can't cry about it. Even when I think of how awesome she was as a mother-in-law and a great person, I just can't get down about it. Everything is "meh", as the kids say. It's starting to get that I just can't stand being around people. Having a business of my own, I put on the face when necessary but if nobody is around I just want to be in my shop working. I feel like everything I do is just about "passing time" until there's no more to pass. I don't get much enjoyment out of the things I used to. I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to care other than to not want to make my burdens into someone else's. I've gained about 50 lbs because I don't enjoy working out anymore, or even golfing. I still find myself asking "why?" Why am I still going through the motions? Why can't I just find relief for this? I read through every other post on here and people eventually find something that makes it at least bearable. I don't have that. I'm just terrible at being a living person, I guess. I'm not meant to be in the general population. Maybe I should just look into being committed or something. Do they even "commit" people anymore? Probably not unless you have a drug addiction or something.
  11. I need to do that, find another doctor i guess. Unless you're borderline psychotic i guess you don't need help is the attitude my current one has i guess. I'll see what can be done. I just wish there were an actual professional in the area that wasn't linked with a serious care clinic. All these overnight places and assisted living styles are creeping me out, like i'm going to end up there or something.
  12. HI everyone. Well, it's been a few months now. I've been quietly looking around for a specialist, and it just seems like there's nothing around for this sort of thing. Most of them are pretty much psyche wards for really troubled people that need intensive help - not psychologists or health practices or anything like that. I tried talking to a few doctors and "it's seasonal affective disorder probably, you'll be fine" is what i keep hearing. It's not. I know it's not. They ask you those stupid questions when you're sitting there on the paper chair and I don't want to answer yes because i don't feel like i'm going to hurt myself or other people. I just feel down. I feel like i don't belong. Still, yesterday i completely snapped at a tech of mine. Not that he didn't deserve it because it's a recurring issue at work with him, but as a manager i should have more control to not make them feel stupid or anything and to correct the behavior. I didn't have it. I went the rest of the day, and all night not saying more than 3 words to anyone, including my wife. Same this morning. Last night, i had to suppress the urge to just eat. Eat myself into oblivion and not care. Not because I was hungry or felt the food would comfort me, but the opposite. To eat until my body felt as bad as my mind did. The same with booze. I took a hard look at the console bar upstairs and the decanter just sitting on there. I had the lid off twice, but i know i still have something left in me because i put it back and didn't touch a drop. I did, however have a couple beers for dinner - believe me it was a better alternative than what i had planned. recently, i'm finding that i seek a physical outlet more and more. I never act on it, but last night i just wanted to throw the bottles against the wall when i was done. To watch them shatter and see the glass sparkle when it breaks all over the ground. No particular reason, not angry or hateful at anything, just for something to do. The other night i just locked myself in the car and yelled at the top of my lungs for a while. It felt good to do that. This past weekend, we took a trip for a golf tournament. Myself and my teammate won the tournament. I don't feel good about it like i should. I feel sort of numb about the whole thing. It rained, rained like a Barsteward sometimes. Odd thing is, i felt the best once i was totally soaked and uncomfortable. Like there was nothing left to lose - no comfort to hold onto. Dirty, disgusting, and chilled to the bone - nearer to sick than to healthy. It felt balanced to me. Has anyone experienced anything like this on their journey before? It really sparked a new conversation for me and got me thinking about how i feel again. I still don't know why i'm writing this. Didn't know when i started either. Maybe kind of like a public journal? I don't know. It's part of my personality to never do anything just for private purposes. I've never kept a journal. There's no reason to talk to myself, i already know what i'm thinking. Just maybe someone out there is 100% going through exactly the same thing, or just knowing that someone is way more confused than they are is helpful. I've got my answers i guess - just kind of living through the motions and wasting oxygen at the moment.
  13. Thanks everyone. It's been over a year i guess and things haven't gotten better, but i suppose they haven't gotten worse either. I've thought hard about a therapist or medication and honestly i don't like the idea of either. Therapy is not covered in my healthcare, nor do i like the idea of paying someone who has no reward to actually help me, only treat me. It's the same with medication. To be honest, everything is getting on my nerves lately. My wife, my cat, my job, everyone around me and even things that i normally take enjoyment in. I really just hate everything. I can feel the ugly around me, and when people try to help, it only makes me feel more distant from actual people. Is it odd to just feel like i don't belong on this planet? Every time i talk to someone on the street, it infuriates me at how they sound. I can't stand the sound of people's voices most of the time. "The act" is getting harder and harder to keep up and i know it's only going to end in me losing some friends or maybe even my wife - both of which, with how i feel right now, isn't an unappealing idea and that kind of makes it funny. I guess i'm so inexorably screwed up, i couldn't imagine anything changing even with help.
  14. Thanks everyone.. I'm kind of stalking around and seeing a lot of parallels with what has been going on. I'm looking at my PPO and seeing if there's anyone that's covered. I hope so. if not i'll have to see when the earliest i can schedule an affordable appointment is - and who with
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