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  1. My only problem now is that I blame myself for what I didn't choose to follow through with that may have resulted in the same success as Taylor Swift. I'm ashamed of myself for not even trying but then again no matter how good you are there's always someone better at something than you are and this woman has effected me because I allow it from a small percentage of her life through the media. I just feel like everything in my life would have been so much better had I done this and it would have worked out. Usher also came on her tour stop in Atlanta several years ago and that nearly killed me - that was when I realized I had completely given into fear and saw what happens.... I sound so jealous and childish but all I feel is completely lost. I feel like I have screwed up my life and she is living the life I was supposed to lead but I lost out all because of preconceived fears of myself and the entertainment industry and just eveything in general. This is also because I am three years older than her and I am not living the life I wanted to because I thought it was impossible and it couldn't be done boy was I wrong. You can create your life but other peoplr choose to accept you based on how they perceive you.
  2. As I have been going through life lately I'm learning that life is not all about me. I have my family and their opinion of me means the world to me. I couldn't just go from my small town to live in say NYC or LA without a proper place to live & job to go to work. I would be neglecting my personal life and responsibilities as well as my families and I would never want to go or do anything to hurt them or anyone. What I realize now is that not everything is for everyone. You can have dreams make plans but without a concrete goal it's all wishes and rainbows and sometimes its better to have a dream than pursue it if it means neglecting those who you care about and take care of.. I may not get married or have kids but I have my faith and my family so that's important as I haven't lost sight of that. I have to just go on and keep moving and be happy for others espically if they're three years younger than me. I realize now that maybe God meant for her to go this way than me all along because He knew that I would be putting everything on the line and for me that would be more risky than her. I have to my grounded and be able to go on in my own life because that's what mature people do and I am learning to do that and sacrifice my flesh for my faith and my ways and thinking and timing. Its not my wayo r will but God's though I did make a choice but my choice is for the selflessness of others.
  3. I wish had the courage in my own life to be more bold and live life to the fullest. I've always felt it was my job to make everyone happy and be a good witness to others and in my spiritual practice that is important. I realize now that I've put myself in a box along with God and the older I get the more I realize He's trying to tell me that that is not how He operates nor how he wants me to operate and I'm just now learning that at 31 years old. I also know that my jealousy towards a female singer had more to do with myself and being insecure and feeling like that my dreams weren't realistic because honestly though if all you hear are about the success of others you admire without knowing what it took to reach their dreams without the sacrifices they had to make in order to get what they wanted accomplished, everyone would be doing it if that was their dream. I care too much what everyone thinks because we're taught that whatever we do is a direct reflection of how you're raised and it reflects on your parents. I'm not judging her but I would be more like an Adele type not Taylor Swift. I was feeling so insecure and bad because she's three years younger than me and thinking if only I would have stepped out and been bold maybe I wouldn't be here typing this to you all. There are no guarantees in life and that's what's scary and exciting and that's why I admire people who go after what they want. Taylor Swift is the most successful artist of this past decade and because she is three years younger than me and was able through hard work and determination and sacrifice she made it and continues to use other people's criticism for her advantage whether you agree with her or not because honestly I would not want to use my fame to capitalize on the headlines the media would make about me and use their words to my advantage and call that a song but then to each her own and I'm glad that I still live in the real world where people shop at the grocery store and JCPenney.
  4. I kind of feel the same way about mine though mine is more in the lines of shock & disappointment but that's life and people are human so I understand that and honestly it's been an eye opener for me. I guess people aren't always what they seem to be ....
  5. Again as I said previously with respect for my CO though it's hard given that I don't know what's true or not but stil I have no words
  6. After watching a recent television appearance I've come to the realization that yes he's an actual normal person. It's like I saw him in the most humane way & its like you don't see him as a celebrity you see him as a guy who has a different job & lifestyle but is still a good person and I don't know I feel like I just woke up from a delusional state of mind only to find out thst yes I really did like him as much as I did & for who he is & not just his career and there is a difference. It's like you realize that these people are just people like you but they have a different lifestyle but it's like you realize how normal he really is.
  7. All I can say is I have no idea what is really true about anything at all anymore.
  8. As of right now I am aware that there is a difference between genuinely liking someone for who they are vs. what they are selling you. I have always cared about this individual in a personal way while feeling attracted to what he was selling and I was more than willing to buy a thousand tears ago before as of now. It's still a sad situation all around and I do feel bad for him regardless of his actions because I can't help but feel somewhat protective over him but I'm learning that's not my job it never has been never will be. I guess you can feel something called compassion with infatuation and genuinely like the guy and be naïve and young about everything then you go through the past twelve years thinking you were being punished for what you didn't do until something unthinkable happens and it changes how you view your life. What I have learned is that if I do get married and face obstacles with my husband will I be willing to love him throughout the situation? Yes. Will I be able to forgive him? Yes. It's not easy but you don't fall in love with someone for their accomplishments or money or houses or private jet planes. That's not love that's stuff. I guess I continue to cheer him on to be the best version of himself because you feel like you've seen them grow up though you're eight years younger than him and you want what is best for that person even if you will never be what is right for one another and it would have never worked out in real life other than your mind and you can't help but still care about this person though you don't know him in real life. Maybe one day God will show me how this is all going to work out on my behalf and his behalf. I believe it can because when bad things happen something good can come as a result. I know that He is and I am willing but the grief is still there. I hope you all are doing well & welcome to the newest member of our fold. Don't mind me I'm actually a lot more sane in real life than my posts give me credit for. Thank you for reading this message if you did.
  9. @posie_riot Thank you. It is hard because I do care about him regardless of whatever happens or what he has or hasn't done. I don't think God is punishing me I just think in His way and timing he shows me how He cares for me and that He understands how I do care about this man and he has been in my thoughts on and off throughout my life for a long time. I wish him well. Thanks @Audrey822 for your response as well calling me family here. I do appreciate everyone's love and support throughout my own unique journey here.
  10. Thank you @imalittleteapot I'm beginning to see that is very true.
  11. Thank@BlueStarr Yes I do. Thank you. Out of respect for both parties involved. I'm not judging him but I'm learning that all this time since then I thought I was being punished for not going forth in my life without knowing the full details of what was really going on with him. I know now that I was being protected from what could have been my life if this information is true that he knew of the situation and knowingly withheld from letting the other partie know. I think God had to break me and wake me from going over it all again of misplaced blame of someone I had no real clue ove over. I didn't fully know that until now. I don't feel clarity but I do have a peace though regardless I care about his health but if he did know & lie to this person back then ..... he could be a changed man now and it's good that he's taken the rap for the other party but still there are no real words for how I feel. I don't feel like bashing him but my heart in a way goes out to him but that's terrible if he did it & lied.
  12. After reading various articles online earlier something has come to my upfront attention involving him You can get stuck in what you know of someone and in the end you learn something about him and you can't help but feel sad. I have no words other than if the story is true it's very sad to hear for him and etc involved. You never know what people are really like or going through & I am continuing to learn that with him.
  13. Thank you @OpalP25 for your words of encouragement. I think part of my problem is that for so long there was this narration in my head but it didn't fit who I am or what I actually look like. I don't feel old but yet time has a twisted way of reminding you of how old you are in the fact that you're supposed to be married with kids by now or at least that's how people think you should be. I guess also because my life didn't pan out the way I thought it did but life goes on and I'm on this other side now. It's terrifying and freeing and scaring me at the same time. I guess that's what happens when you learn to let go of everything that you were holding onto out of fear that what you once had was the best thing that ever happened to you but in reality I don't believe that but I do believe I have learned things along the way. Thank you for reading my long dramatic post and once again for encouraging me with your words. ♥
  14. What I wanted to add was that there are at least three different songs from three different albums of hers that the moment I heard the first lines I have been reminded over and over from a higher power that this person wrote something that in my own unique situation I could relate to and that has transformed my life. I mean over and over and over again this higher power is telling me throughout the lies of my brain that this woman is not so accomplished that she herself has not dealt with similar situations maybe not in how I have but it's something when you look past your own insecurities and realize someone else has went through the similar situation but you can't see that until you get past your selfish insecurities to get to the root that though she may be more accomplished and successful at her age she is not some hybrid super person who is out to get to me. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. She accomplished things that many young women would love to. There are other people in the same field as her who are just as talented but have not received the same because they are not the same as her but that's ok because though they may not make the same amount of money they don't use their talent the same way. They each have their own unique gifts and strengths and talents and that's what makes them all the more accomplished. I realize that in many cases my young mind was already miles ahead from where I wanted to be growing up in the Midwest but there are millions of people who grew up in a nowhere town who with drive and grit and determination and luck they got a chance to pursue their dreams. I could name you at least one person who out of five people are still alive to this day who had the fame and accomplishments but is now a Reverend. As a little girl I thought that my whole purpose in life was to pursue music and have a singing career. I was going to be as famous as Michael Jackson was. This was in the early mid 1990s and although I had no idea why he was going on trial when I did watch him and other various performers on those variety show reruns I was mesmerized by their stage presence and wanted to grow up and be as beautiful as Cindy Crawford who was more widely famous in that supermodel era long before social media and the Internet took over. I was going to live the good life while giving back but had no real concrete plan or structure to fall back on. It's hard when you see other people who didn't go to college or need to go because they made it but just because they did at that age doesn't mean you should follow in their footsteps because you may not get the same chance they did. As I get older the more I realize that in life sometimes it's the luck of the draw. There was an old Dionne Warwick song that said something like "and all the stars that never were are parking cars or pumping gas" or waiting on tables or trying to make it as an actor or what have you and the bad thing about social media is that these kids are growing up thinking they're the next Kardashian because they want to be Instagram famous. The Kardashians achieved fame but not from Instagram. I'm not judging them I'm just saying. I was just like these kids but in an era when the Internet was just starting to be more in the media. Our way of seeing that world was through MTV or BET music videos and I don't think either of them play music videos anymore. It just shows you how the world changes and as the world changes the way people do business must change and that includes the entertainment industry. I say all this to say that there is a part of my brain that goes back to where I was and how I was and to be honest at times I feel I was too young to be that serious about life let alone about a famous boy who was 14 years old who in reality I had no chance with but twenty years ago at 11 years old I would have told you to beat it because it was going to happen because I truly believed it in my heart nothing was impossible. As I got older and grew more in with my values and structure what once was clear became a fuzzy picture. I didn't understand how what once was had turned into something so confusing that I feared the worst on all sides and gave into playing it safe for fear I would let myself down and others down and in the end make a fool of myself in front of the country let alone this special individual throughout the process. I had no real clue as to how life was for others who did not grow up as I did. I had no idea what they faced on a daily basis. I understand that even in my own race it doesn't mean you live a white picket fence life. I think sometimes depending on your location and the time you're raised in it effects you. The events that have unfolded in America over the past several years has opened my eyes and my heart. I am beginning to understand their side a little more clearer than I have. I don't agree with them on certain subjects but I am growing in understanding and knowledge of events that have taken place and why people act the way they do towards other people because of how things have happened throughout history and in modern society as well. Though I am sad that its taken tragedy for me to understand things I think that tragedy can take you to a blessed place where you can learn about yourself & about things that you normally wouldn't question or had no prior interest in. It would be easy for me being what I am to not want to know the how or why of people that are different than me. As I said before with music as I grew up and how I was personally raised I was not supposed to like music or boys who were not like me but I did. I made a choice then as a child and I continued to make that choice because in my own way I believed in this person. I saw him as a person and not as a common stereotype as folks sometimes do in my own race community. I understand where they come from though and why individuals in my own race tend to think that way. As I said about tragedy I don't agree on everything ; I don't have to or like everything and I don't but I am choosing to learn because if I can choose to learn and not be ignorant and learn to love my neighbor in the process then in my own way I guess that this part of my life was not done in vain but love.
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