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Everything posted by illuminotreally

  1. My wife wrote me a note saying she misses my smile. She says she never sees it anymore. I hate being depressed and making her upset. I hate disappointing her. I wish I did feel like smiling.
  2. This is the time of day when the family starts coming home. I was able to sit and do nothing today, but now i have to participate in life and I don't feel like doing so. So down today.
  3. I've been playing a game online with a few other people and been having fun. A new player made an out of game post about how the players apparently weren't playing the "right" way. I am so self conscious that I now don't want to play. I don't want to be judged while playing a game for fun. A few words from this person took all my enthusiasm for the game and has made me nervous and anxious to the point I don't think I will play anymore. The one single fun activity I had in my otherwise boring life gone. Really bummed about it.
  4. Day started out ok, but by afternoon, I was feeling pretty low. Now that it's evening, I feel like I'm going to cry, I'm so down. This sucks
  5. I'm sorry you are having to make such a hard choice. My advice would be to consider which one/ones you think will adapt the best to a new environment. Best of luck to you (((hugs)))
  6. I have a D&D game today. For 3 hours I get to pretend to be someone other than myself. What a relief!
  7. Pathfinder's Goblins! A compilation of the comic books that were released about the little green guys
  8. We are going to a local roller derby match this evening. I only remember the 80s roller derbies on TV. Don't know what to expect tonight but have high hopes it will be entertaining.
  9. illuminotreally, I'm sorry you had a bad experience. I've had a lot of bad experiences myself and have felt very disappointed in people. A lot of people do suck, but then there are amazing people too who truly care. The good ones are the gems and may be harder to find... but don't let the disappointment or the jerks stop you from reaching out & trying. You just gotta get to know someone first. Not everyone is going to be receptive when you first meet them, but some will. I wish I could meet people like you guys on here.
  10. Disappointed AGAIN. Why do people have to be jerks? I have done what I was told and tried to get out and be social, but I keep getting let down by others. People suck :(
  11. Very frustrated. Been dealing with my issues for 20 years now, and I pretty much know the signs and what to do and when to do it to keep myself safe. My wife (been together 6 years now) is now going on about how she wants me to "work through" my, for lack of a better term, episodes, rather than self-medicate and sleep through it. I can't get her to understand that my episodes are not related to any particular issues, but rather a short-circuiting in the wiring of my brain. Medicating keeps me from hurting myself. Talking through it, or whatever she thinks is gonna happen, is not only going to put me at risk, but could put her at risk of physical harm if she tried to restrain me. She apparently spent her entire counseling session today discussing this with her doc, so it's a big deal to her. I think she feels like I am shutting her out or something instead of talking it out? Not really sure what she expects and don't know how to get her to believe I know what I am doing. She has unintentionally now made me feel guilty and feel like I am a burden that she has to worry about. Yeah that was a bit rambling and all over the place, but I feel a little better just getting it off my chest.
  12. Disappointed yet again. Why do I keep putting myself in the position to be let down? I should know better.
  13. I need a really lucky d20. Every one of mine is conspiring against me.
  14. Really down. Don't want to do anything, but the wife is insisting I don't just stay cooped up at home all day. She just doesn't understand.
  15. I have been alive 14777 days. I may have that many more days to live. That scares the living bejeesus out of me. I barely want to make it through today.
  16. I wonder if it is illegal to rent a person to be your friend. I'd like to rent a friend at those times when I am incredibly lonely.
  17. Tonight is my weekly D&D night. I love playing. But I am so down I'm not even looking forward to my one happy thing.
  18. Pdoc basically confirmed my fear that I will never feel "good", I can only try to keep from feeling severely depressed all the time. So no hope of getting better, only struggling to keep from drowning completely. What is the point of going on?
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