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Everything posted by ParaDoxiPaladin

  1. Today I had an appointment with a new health professional at my local hospital. It was a little weird as it wasn't who the letter told me I would be having and then she said herself that she recieved no notification I was referred to her other than an appointment in her schedule. Not very reassuring when I already feel neglected by the healthcare system so far. Anyway... I've been told to call my doctors on Thursday to arrange for a perscription of an anxiety drug called Propolin (I think). 40mg 1 per day. After all the anti-depressants and anxiety meds I've had in the past I'm a naturally a little skeptical. And I can barely find anything on the web about this particular drug. All I know is it's a Beta Blocker. Anyone know of Propolin or had experiences with it?
  2. My writing workshop went okay. Folks seemed to enjoy it. Got first appointment with a new health team in the morning, hopefully followed by a new psychiatrist. Instills a little hope.
  3. Managed to finish my session right at the last minute. Now I have to present it, which I feel too tired to do but here goes nothing I guess. SFChristianGirl, I hope things get sorted for you soon. Kaniro, I know the worry there. Just try to get a good amount of sleep and throw yourself back into it.
  4. Was supposed to sleep early tonight as I need to finish the script for a writing session I'm hosting tomorrow night. Well now I'm wide awake and anxious and have turned to grilling a pizza. Yes grilling because my oven is broken. Eh, I guess you have to laugh sometimes...
  5. Yes that's a great way of looking at things :D Honestly, right now I'm feeling physically ill. Perhaps from an out of whack sleeping pattern or eating unhealthily today or too much smoking, I'm not sure. But it's getting me down. However our chat has reminded me that I have done little pieces of writing today, been outside, and gone on a walk. And yes it was rather warm here too! Despite my crushing headache I can find some happiness in those little achievements :)
  6. All I can really suggest there is to try and get back in touch with them about it or have someone else do it on your behalf. Pride can get in the way oftentimes but if you can get past that and find the right people then I find asking for help is often the best solution. Try asking about meds and sorting the list out if you can. Set alarms, reminders, schedules, anything you can to keep yourself organised, focused, and motivated.
  7. That's a positive way of looking at things which I try to go by too I think one can find the best in life if they are able to find a little peace of mind first. And everyone deserves to be picky. Noone should feel like it's okay to settle just so long as they have someone. It's not fair to either party. Anyways, all the best in your journey Kaniro! And apologies to folks if my comments are a little... messy. Today has ended kinda badly. I feel physically sick, my heart's racing, and a confused mess of thoughts is pounding away in my head. Not even sure what's bought this on. All I know is that I can't think straight and on the verge of a breakdown... bah...
  8. Aye. When I am able to do it though it does give a great sense of control. Just this week my sleep pattern was out of whack and I was feeling terrible. Friday I woke up early and went for a countryside walk and since then I've been a little bit better with being productive and getting sleep. I still keep nagging at myself for not doing enough and for unhealthy eating but baby steps are better than nothing.
  9. Glad to hear those techniques are working for you Deb. They are great if one is able to utilise them correctly. I've tried CBT, counselling, medication, exercise, caffeine avoidance, sleep schedules, etc. And I know they work for me. I just find it incredibly difficult to stay on track with them for long periods of time. I guess it's just about persevering and maintaining one's will power.
  10. Music plays a huge part in my life. It can illicit an intense emotional response. However I am incredibly particular in my tastes and something of a media critic. I have a couple of favourite bands, the top one being Nine Inch Nails, of which I have a chest tattoo tributing them. There's also Dr Steel, the 'industrial-hip-hopera' steampunk musician who dresses and acts like a mad scientist. However, my main musical affinity lies in the music of the media. My favourite films, games, anime, etc all have soundtracks that I love and listen to regularly. Even if I don't particularly like something, if it has a great piece of music somewhere then I will always remember it. These tracks help fuel and direct my thoughts and often assist in my creative affairs from writing to art. From sad tracks to energetic ones, vocal to instrumental, English-speaking to foreign, of many different genres, soundtracks can support my moods and even sometimes help shift them for the better. As they are taken from media texts they become infused with certain fantastical ideas. Listening to music tied with a fantasy realm can both shelter me from the real world and help prepare me for it. As I'm currently riding an odd, fragile burst of energy I thought I would share my love of media soundtracks. And whilst I'm here, I shall list a few of my recently listened to tracks. Perhaps they can help someone else also. 'Dare Ka Umi Wo' from Terror In Resonance - This political thriller anime has quite an eclectic soundtrack which suits its modern feel and the unusual premise of following 'good guy' terrorists. The ending theme is of particular note which feels like one is submerging into the depths of darkness. Yes it's quite a dark track dripping with tragedy and loneliness. And yet, mid-way through it grows in pace and impact, resembling something like an opera. I find it can be easy-listening when down yet becomes quite uplifting as it pours out barrels worth of emotion. 'Row Row Fight The Power' from Gurren Lagann - The initial seconds of this piece may seem a little dire in tone but soon a musical drill pierces the heavens. It is essentially an English-spoken big-band rap. It grabs the attention with the chorus before toning it down with the verse. By the final portion that repeats the chorus over and over you will no doubt be singing along. With lyrics like 'see the invisible, break the unbreakable', the song - which is pretty much the show's main theme - truly encapsulates the overall uplifting spirit of determination against inevitable odds that runs through Gurren Lagann. When you're down and about to give up you best grit those teeth cause you're about to get a punch to knock some fighting spirit back into you. I mean, just who the hell do think I am?! 'The Robot Dog's Journey' from Tokyo Jungle - Tokyo Jungle was a survival game where humans had died out and the player was tasked with keeping a bloodline of a particular animal going for as long as possible through the dangers of a hostile environment. It was silly, awesome, intense, and addictive. Pretty much all of the music is top-notch but no track perfectly captures the atmosphere of the game other than that which plays for the robot dog. Yes a robot dog. A techno dance track with a deliciously memorable melody that bounces along in and out of phases that keep the pace going. I've listened to this for hours and still haven't gotten bored of it. 'Buzz's Dungeon' from Spyro 3 - Yes, this is a rather random selection. By the context within the game itself this is a rather random track too. It's the first boss fight against a rather easy and throwaway nemesis. So why the hell is it so epic? No matter, the constant industrial pounding and shrill melody brings to mind imagery if a knight overcoming all odds to defeat the greatest evil the world has seen. Despite its origin, this tune does a good job of getting me pumped. So, these are just a few tracks that I often find myself playing. I may list more in the future.
  11. Welcome BPDGirl! I hope you are okay. I have Depression, Anxiety, and ADHD. However professionals and a friend of mine who has BPD have also suggested that I may have it, if only in a mild form. My mood can often turn on a dime and I'm prone to experiencing somewhat reckless highs in sudden bursts followed by the worst lows. Whether or not this is actually BPD or just everything else in combination, I won't know til I see a psychiatrist later this month. I wish you all the best anyway!
  12. I've had Anxiety for a long time, however it was only clearly diagnosed a few years ago. I was in my first relationship with my ex. Sleeping next to someone for the first time caused me to have insomnia. Soon after I started intense panic attacks. It took a while to figure this out as many professionals diagnosed everything from mild heart attacks to deflated lungs and chronic indigestion. I have many triggers for my anxiety and depression, and having ADHD adds to it. A lot of the time I'm just sitting about or walking and a panic attack will hit or I'll start getting shakes. Smoking probably doesn't help but I started it cause it can lessen things for me sometimes. Anyways, does anyone else have generalised anxiety? How do you cope? Do you take medication or engage in relaxation exercises?
  13. I know this feeling very well. I feel fated to be alone. When I did have someone everything seemed to be against it. And now I'm single again all I see everywhere I go is friends getting married and having kids, and out in public I'm always caught by the sight of attractive women without the confidence to do anything about it. Still... I tell myself that I'm just at an intermediary at the minute and slowly building myself back up. I think that's the best you can do; try to focus on yourself until you feel completely comfortable in trying for a relationship if that is what you want. Everyone has their own path and not one particular lifestyle or way of doing things is particularly wrong. If it takes a while to find what you're looking for whilst others are settling down then hey that's fine. Just think that you can focus on what you want to do for now. Anyways I hope you're feeling a little better Kaniro. And I hope everyone else on here is able to find some peace of mind today :)
  14. This week was tough. Tuesday I was honestly feeling suicidal. I went to a park by myself at night and spoke to a hotline for an hour. It helped. By Wednesday I had spoken to some friends and family. Yesterday I went for a walk in the country and finished some of my cosplay. Today I mostly lounged around until tonight when I went for a pint and wrote up a session I'm due to host Monday on Flash Fiction for my writing group. I've also managed to break out of my 6am sleep, 1pm wake up. So I still feel a bit all over the shop and there's the usual nagging voice in mybhead questioning my life's purpose. But deep down inside I'm proud that I've managed to turn things around a little. And that's good.
  15. I used to be extremely introverted. Pretty much just cooped up in my room except for when I needed to go to sixth form or uni. I even found going out with friends very taxing. Few years ago though I lost weight, got my first proper job, and met my first girlfriend. Since then I have become single and jobless and am admittedly struggling again but somehow my default level of confidence has risen. At heart I seem to have a very impulsive, flashy, extrovert side to me but it's bogged down by various bullying voices in my head that tell me I shouldn't be like that cause people will hate me. There are often times now where things are out of my comfort zone (dating I struggle with again) or I'm just tired of human interaction. But despite my inner pessimist, I know that I'm better than I used to be - running writing and film clubs, attending events such as conventions, and trying new social hobbies. And that's something.
  16. It's an interesting discussion. I find my depression gets worse in the Fall and Winter, yet there are certain aspects of those seasons that I find uplifting - ie the leaves changing colour, hot food on cold nights, snow, etc. During Spring and Summer I tend to feel better overall, yet again certain things really get me down - for one, seeing everyone in summer clothes makes me very insecure about myself, though that's by the by. Also, I seem to be that way with places. I live in the suburbs and feel frequently frustrated and bored by it. I go to the nearby city and feel less lonely but more smothered. If I go to the countryside it's a great boost; lots of fresh air and nature all around, but I end up feeling more lonely than ever. So long story short: climate and location always affects how I feel, in very contradictory ways.
  17. Hi Scienceguy. I thought pretty much the same as you. I turned 27 last week. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD on top of my depression and anxiety but have realised that I have always had this since a kid. That horrible 'airhead' feeling of being utterly unable to focus is a doozy yes but here's some a few tips I find helpful: For one write up a schedule. Keep a diary of upcoming events and a checklist of everything you want to do. This can be ammended as you go. Allow yourself to be impulsive and skitter between different things. Don't beat yourself up over not completing tasks; try achieving them bit by bit. If you have no motivation or just can't focus then make a conscious decision to have a lazy day (or week), but try to fit in time for socialising and/or going for a walk outside. It can be a struggle to stick by these, I know I do, but if you can I assure you they will help. Please don't give up and be sure to tell your doctor just how much you are struggling. All the best.
  18. Let's see if I can manage an early bed tonight...

  19. Thanks for the welcome. Some wonderfully poignant quotes already.
  20. Hi all. I have severe depression and anxiety. Recently I have also been diagnosed with ADHD. Earlier this year I was referred to a suicide prevention group and shortly after that resigned from work. I am currently unemployed. Things have been really tough lately but something deep inside is stopping me from quitting. Hence why I'm here; to join the valiant battle with you all. All the best. In the meantime, anyone know any quotes (from anything) that help you with depression? I found one recently from anime Gurren Lagann: "Don't believe in me, believe in the me that believes in you!"
  21. Glad to see I'm not the only Nine Inch Nails fan here. This a fantastic thread. NIN are my favourite band and a lot of their songs speak about depression. The one I find most relatable however is Head Down. So much so that I got some of the lyrics tattooed on my chest. 'And this is not my face And this is not my life' I see the whole track as a reflection upon that feeling of being lost, unable to find one's true self due to fear, oppressed to a point of rage and desperation. My take on this however is that all of this IS my identity, I have many faces. In dark times I often say 'I'd give anything' to be "normal", but I'd rather find the courage to take pride in who I am, who I could be if I stop putting my head down and instead rise up.
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