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ParaDoxiPaladin

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Everything posted by ParaDoxiPaladin

  1. I love this topic as anime and manga seem to be two mediums that most frequently deliver the most detailed and honest depictions of mental health issues whilst simultaneously (for the most part) remaining vague. I imagine this may be down to Japan's reportedly high rates of isolation, depression, and worse, and how the stigma around it all seems stronger due to their society's more traditional values. Corbin, you listed quite a few I already thought of (like Welcome To The NHK and Flowers Of Evil), but here's a few others that I feel either explore these issues in some way or can help those who are feeling very low. They are of varying content ratings so please be sure to research them a little before checking them out. Also I'll say whether you should check out the anime or the manga. All Audiences: Tales From Earthsea (Anime) - fantasy/drama One Piece (Anime or Manga) - comedy/action Wolf Children (Anime) - melodrama Summer Wars (Anime) - drama Non Non Biyori (Anime) - slice-of-life/comedy Hyouka (Anime) - mystery/magical-realism Haikyuu!! (Anime preferred) - sports/comedy/drama My Hero Academia (Anime or Manga) - action/drama Older Audience: Hunter X Hunter (Anime or Manga, 2011 anime is awesome) - adventure Gantz (Manga strongly preferred) - horror/sci-fi/action Bokkurano: Ours (Manga preferred) - sci-fi/drama C: Control (Anime) - action The Rising Of The Shield Hero (Manga) - fantasy/drama Elfen Lied (Anime preferred) - horror/sci-fi Paranoia Agent (Anime) - horror Jojo's Bizarre Adventure (newcomers start at Phantom Blood) (Anime or Manga) - horror/action/comedy Noucome (Anime) - comedy/romance You also might want to check out is GoBoiano.com's '12 Anime That Explore The Struggles Of Depression'.
  2. Drifting along on a sea of uncertainty A mind impaled on thorns of rumination Fractured, fragmented Unstable, diseased Whirring yet unstirring Terrified of the possibility Of hard fists, red faces, booming voices Shameful of this burdening existence The dark machine is clogged with thick grease It shakes and moans, a dying slave Voices barely escape the tunnels For the vents have long since been covered up Ignorance is blissful to all but the suffering
  3. If you wish to find chances to meet potential friends I suggest visiting low-key local voluntary groups, such as a writing group or a general social group or even a therapy group. Of course, this would require a great deal of confidence for the first few sessions. It might help for your own peace of mind to say that you struggle to communicate but you have come so that you may meet new people. Otherwise you can try to introduce little activities here and there to nudge your confidence in communication such as visiting shops and cafes more and jumping on opportunities to talk when you can (i.e. if the staff mention the weather, add an extended response such 'yeah, it's been pretty terrible, hopefully the rest of the week will be better'). It all depends on your individual moods as well as your physical well being. Taking the dog for lots of walks can help your disposition to communicating. Plus, you have everyone on here who are all generally friendly and open to talking. I know it can be very difficult - I used to be so unable to communicate I couldn't even post things online - but it can be possible to raise our barrier a little, at least to a more manageable level.
  4. Sorry to hear this Margie. Whilst in such a low mood, TLC is a must-have even if it can only come from yourself. Try to follow what you think what would help you today such as if you need some time alone from others altogether or if you want someone to speak to so you can get these feelings off your chest. Either way, the folks here are always ready to provide an ear, a shoulder, and some feedback.
  5. Sorry to hear you are going through this Bpooch. I can certainly relate here in that I too have been going through issues pretty much my entire life and was overweight, particularly after the death of my father and grandfather. However I managed to lose a lot and become the healthiest and thus the most confident I had ever been. During which time I got my first job and my first girlfriend. I have since become unemployed, single, put on a bit of weight again, and become my worst health-wise. But at least I can tell myself that I've had a job, a girlfriend, and seen myself at my slimmest, even if it's aggrevating as to remind oneself of the better times. You too must remember that whilst things can feel hopeless, you managed to lose over 30kg - well done! - and you have your wife, who is probably very supportive and not on the verge of falling out with you like your mind may be incorrectly stating. I've lost many people to cancer including my dad so I can understand the pain you and your wife must be going through here. I can only say that you must not beat yourself up about things like 'how much time have I spent with him' or 'what can I do'. Just be there for him and your wife as much as you can be and that's enough. This leads me onto your questioning of faith. Honestly, I'll state right now that I'm Atheist, however I have always been highly supportive of those who do have faith. My grandfather was a devout Catholic and I treated him more as a father than my actual dad. I believe you should talk to others (and hopefully you'll find some here) that have similar beliefs to yours about the afterlife. However whether you do or don't believe in that, you can at least take some solace in the fact that your very existence here will not be forgotten. Every little interaction and step has made an impact. Your life does have meaning. Even if that can be very hard for us to accept at times. Anyways, I've rambled on quite a bit. I hope this helps a little and that you are able to gain further peace of mind from speaking with others.
  6. I've had a lot of this since early childhood. The nicest comments I've gotten are 'it's okay to be sensitive, it reflects your more caring nature', whilst the worst include the usual callings of 'stop being a mardy little girl and man the hell up, you're embarrassing me!' and 'depression is just a state of mind, and you've just gotta man it out' from the likes of teachers, friends, workmates, and my own family. Whilst it's awful to hear others have experienced things like this I'm glad I'm not the only one.
  7. 'And this is not my face' Song lyrics rather than my own words but I have them tattooed and they mean a lot
  8. Thinking about this can often get me so down, making me feel guilty and villainous. That's not helped when certain people in your life may frequently call and treat you as 'selfish', 'attention-seeking', 'lazy', 'not that ill', etc. There are certain tiny moments where life can feel beautiful and I'm glad to experience this particular thing (and that's not just within my hyper moods). But whenever I think that, whenever that moment of thankfulness arises, again I start to feel guilty and think about myself as a selfish burden to all. Same with if I attempt to push myself to be happy. It often backfires, though I know it can help.
  9. Sorry to hear of this. Personally, I find Apathy is certainly one of the worst side effects of medication. It's something already experienced under depression and anxiety so to have it amplified almost constantly is pretty unbearable. I've found a few meds to cause this. The worst case for me personally being whilst taking the antidepressant Fluoxetine. I was on the highest dose, can barely remember what I did during that time, only memories of feeling empty before breaking into uncontrollable shakes and fits of crying. How long have you been taking Anhedonia? There's always a period when first taking new meds when some symptoms show up only to disappear later. You should talk to your doctor about these symptoms and see what they say. Personally, I've found Propanalol to be the best anxiety meds I've taken so far, but as with all meds, they may have different effects for you. I hope things get better for you soon
  10. Nice to hear someone say that. The worst feeling is not being able to understand why I am like the ways that I am.
  11. Still feel a mix of emotions from last night (mostly embarrassment from my overreaction) but a bit better after some sleep. Me and one of my best mates often do co-op runs of games and pay halves for new ones. Our latest: Uncharted 4 which we've just started. Seems good! Fighting back that tightrope 'rush rush rush' feeling but should be alright.
  12. Wow, you have immense courage for even signing up to this. I'm sure you'll be fine once you get out there. All the best of luck!
  13. Thanks for the follow :)

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. no good relationship

      no good relationship

      i like to learn so you have an excellent rep why not follow your my guide for the sight thanks for everything you do here

    3. Skylark1

      Skylark1

      Thank you! That's very sweet of you to say. :)

    4. no good relationship

      no good relationship

      I hope you atr having a good day!

  14. I was in a fairly good mood, hyper still. Until I host the film group. Overall it went well I enjoyed the films and the first was stated to be two peoples' favourites so far. But beforevI could show the films several of my friends demanded to rewatch a short film we already watched twice last time. So I gave in and let it be shown. Then afterwards - right now - they've put it on again. That's four times watching the same 30 minute film within 3 weeks. Two showings almost back to back per night. Call me freakin mental but I can't cope with that. Ive currently hidden myself in the bedroom of my own house whilst they watch it loud downstairs. I've said nicely time and again not to watch it but they do it anyway. This shows to me that I hold no respect. Even when all of them know my health issues. Now I just want to go downstairs and shout at them to turn it off. So Im hiding upstairs for half an hour so I dont fall out with them. This is pathetic. It's completely flipping my mood and ruining an otherwise good night. But Im clearly just selfish and bizarre since everyone else is fine with it. I've just taken my pills but my heart is still racing. I feel sick and ill. I want to cry. I want them gone yet I dont cause I like my friends generally and Im so lonely otherwise. Ugh. Such a mood flip all because of something so trivial. Anyway...
  15. I'm sorry to hear of your circumstances. Having to grow up admist such an unstable family environment is enough to affect anyone in such a negative and overpowering way. Are you seeing a therapist or counsellor? It sounds like there are a lot of complex emotions that need untangling with someone to talk to. Whilst this site is a great place to do that with people in similar situations, doing so face-to-face will help immeasurably. Also, how long have you been taking your medication? Do you think this zombie state of mind started to occur around the same time you started your meds?
  16. I want to scream f**k you all at the top of my lungs but thats not gonna happen. The auto lock is on keeping me from doing silly things even I'm in this mood. Second group therapy session I kept quiet again and mostly avoided eye contact. But it wasnt so much panic fear and sadness as it was more frustration anger pity and boredom. All this cbt stuff is so useless. But i cant be botheres to fight it. One woman tried to fight against it saying she had already done cbt with the same therapist i had done and didnt find it helpful. The group sees her as more experienced because i failed to mention my knowledge of it before. But i shouldnt care about what people think of me when Im here to get better anyway. Its just frustrating. I need to open up to get help but I just can't. I did speak up to try and help with a projector but failed to sort it and felt silly. Showing off again huh Para? Ugh no Doxi leave me alone. Whatevs. I'm very much thinking about cancelling this group but then these folks will say I didn't try. So I'll keep forcing myself for now I guess. And I'll see how long this hyper mood lasts. It's certainly calmed down since last night. I've learnt to auto-lock it so I only tend to show it by myself or those closest to me. That excludes my immediate family as they just argue for me being silly and childish. Getting sick to death with people who don't understand mental illness and just make me feel worse. Anyways... laters!
  17. Yeah I guess that makes sense thanks for pointing that out. I'm still feeling very chatty and hyper today but as soon as Ive come to the group therapy Ive gone silent again. But at least I'm not getting panic attacks. I'm just getting frustrated at people and the same old cbt teachings. And as i cant focus ive just been doodling.
  18. Think of this diary as a way of my trying to keep a check on my mood. From speaking with therapists and a friend of mine with Bipolar, it seems like I may have signs of Bipolar myself. However I often find diagnosis quite overwhelming simply because my depression does tend to be the more prominent feature. So I tend to forget the rest. But like right now I do randomly get into small periods of highs, some greater than others where it feels like walking on a tightrope. Other 'episodes' still see me going completely crazy and, if I don't control myself, I'd happily scream out at the top of my lungs and throw things at a wall or wrestle someone, even if that someone isn't necessarily someone I know well. However usually after these big highs I do tend to get unbelievably down afterwards feeling guilty over behaving like that and getting self-conscious over what people think and so on. From my knowledge this doesn't tend to be over periods of weeks, however like I said I don't take note of when they happen and this behaviour is so naturalised (this guy just being crazy again) that I just take it as me being 'hyper' and that's it. As I've mentioned in a previous blog my strongest signs seem to be toward ADHD due to concentration issues and impulsive actions etc. However a lot of those signs can also be seen in Bipolar. Basically, I'm a mess! But I feel like I deserve the right to know exactly what's going on with me. And it certainly isn't just 'anxiety and depression'. And I feel like I'm being all attention-deserving and such by trying to say that but f**k it, no I deserve it. And at this point I would usually delete everything I've just written because I know it's a load of sh** and just me waffling nonsense. But like I said, I'm going to keep going and keep it here so I can keep tracking of these bizarre mood swings of mine. Now it's 1:55am. I thought I already stated the time but I didnt. So it's 5 to 2am. And I'm so awake now. Completely different to earlier when I felt so ridiculously sad it was unreal. But after doing some research on mental health stuff I returned to the forums, wrote a response to someone and BOOM it made me laugh and I realised I'm feeling pretty blah. Blah as in wanting to talk really fast I guess. I dunno. Anyway. If anyone's actually read this, you deserve a medal. Made of chocolate. Thanks! *phew*
  19. I could see that with the swings of impulsive hyperactivity. Though in the eyes of my doctors and therapists my signs for bipolar arent extreme enough to require diagnosis.
  20. Ah really? Thanks for posting Natasha. I'm currently 27. So maybe, maybe, there's some hope. I've requested tests and diagnoses time and again to no avail despite so many doctors and counsellors pushing for it. But I guess I'll just keep trying.
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