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ParaDoxiPaladin

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Everything posted by ParaDoxiPaladin

  1. Thanks. I haven't tried any online mood trackers. My spreadsheet seems to be doing the trick for now, but I might have a look to see how other trackers are structured. For the past couple of days now I've been in this chaotic kind of mood which is difficult to pin down because I'm flitting between so many emotions within this state. Last night I was fine for ten minutes then for the next 50 minutes I'd be sobbing, then angry, then confused, etc. My diary allows me to keep few extra notes for some important info, like if I recognise a particular event that triggered a downfall.
  2. I love coffee but this morning it literally felt like I was dying after being given a strong cup of filtered coffee. I forgot I can't have filtered coffee. Never again. Need to wean off frozen coffee too and go onto decaff. I love coffee but going through such intense heart palpitations that make one shake, weep, and feel like they're going insane is not good. Also yes, I've been a HUGE gaming geek since I played my first game on a NES in hospital when I was about 3. My first console was a Mega Drive with Sonic and I was great fan of that series as a kid, even having the character painted on my walls for a few years. Throughout all of my ill times, I've always relied on gaming to keep me going, as both a pacifier and a potential reward. I studied videogame analysis in Uni and was going to do media journalism as a career but... I've not made anything of that aside from a couple of online reviews on various sites. Nowadays I often lack the concentration for deep gameplay unless it is something that I am highly interested in and passionate about. My favourite genre is RPGs and while back I spent over 100 hours total on Digimon Story: Cyber Sleuth. I felt pride for having put it in that much effort; a testament to how much I enjoyed that game. But I still didn't finish it. I find co-op gaming helps keep my interest through long sessions and times where my interest wanes or I get frustrated. Recently a mate and I went halves on buying Uncharted 4 and we're at... chapter 16 I think. Enjoying it a lot so far!
  3. Had so much important stuff planned for today. And was gonna see a friend tonight. But I've woken up in a chaotic mood again, made 10 times worse by stupidly drinking filtered coffee which sends my anxiety into overdrive. So been unable to move on my bed. And my mum's home today which makes things harder when I can't even talk to her about things (she knows but shes pretty ignorant and unhelpful). Its gonna be a long and painful day...
  4. Been in chaotic / frenzied mood for a few days. Entered a mania like state today acting like a meercat in tall grasa and swinging on tree vines (yeah...) but now back to a more negative version of that (rapid thoughts and talking and recklessness but mostly negative emotions). Feeling very lonely, no focus, feel like should sleep but equally scared of it, and everything feels pointless. Feels pointless in explaining more I just... ugh... whatever...
  5. Unfortunately I doubt that will easily go away. There may well still be a long struggle ahead. All you can do is face it, with support from therapy and those closest to you, and do your best to keep moving forward even if that means blocking his number. Whatever you feel will help your recovery. There will always be painful memories but it will get easier in time.
  6. Ended up out all day with two friends. Went golfing, 'foot-golf', meals, and pints. Was in quite a crazy mood, ended up randomly rolling into long grass by a busy motorway and acting like a meercat. Then later ended up swinging off a tree branch which snapped. Yeah... I'm looking into this XD I'm not as happy now; still 'chaotic' but more of a negative mood instead of happy. Also, being reckless with eating, drinking alcohol, smoking, and spending, which isn't good but my mind refuses to accept this is my problem at the moment so oh well!
  7. Well done for this, I know it takes a lot of effort and courage in order to stick up for yourself, speak your mind, and take control over your own life. It can be an excellent release for all those pent up emotions too, without even the need to scream and rage necessarily, just to be able to get stuff off your chest and tell a particular someone that they're an a$$. And by the sounds of things, you're certainly better off staying away from them!
  8. We all have moods and experiences very unique to ourselves. Though I've felt that 'emptiness' more than once and it's flippin awful. I would suggest trying therapy again. The only type I've found useful so far is general counselling with someone to listen, support, and contact services on your behalf. I'm trying group therapy currently and so far its one of my worst treatment experiences of all time XD anyways I hope things start feeling (at least) a little better soon :)
  9. Forgive me if this is all over the place. I'm not sure I'll even complete this fully due to my near zero focus. I've been getting so frustrated with things lately that I've decided to do a mood diary on Excel for the past few weeks. It's all due to my strong signs that this may be more than anxiety and depression. As therapists, doctors, occupational health clinics, and friends with these issues too have all said themselves, I seem to be high likely to have either ADHD or Bipolar or both. Yet my psychologist won't do a test. So I'm doing this mood diary for now. And since yesterday my current mood is 'chaotic'. Sort of like my 'hyper' and 'super-hyper' moods (which are pretty much like bouts of mania), only with chaotic mood there is no high, only very brief neutral moments. Basically my mood is constantly flipflopping between okay to a negative one, be it fear or regret or sadness or confusion or guilt or anger or whatever. My speech and thoughts are in turbo whilst everything else feels slow yet once I focus on everything around me I realise the day has gone. Only, I can barely focus like at all. Unless I just envelope myself in stream of consciousness and impulsive actions instead of actually planning what I say or do. And that constantly makes me self conscious of myself and paranoid what ithers think and very apologetic and ashamed. That is, before I go happy again. It is perhaps my most 'bipolar' mood as it is where I am most noticeably shifting emotions so rapidly. This mood may not be the worst Ive experienced. No, that would be what I call 'insanity sadness' which broke me back into depression after being stable for near 3 years; where I couldn't move or talk and my own voice in my head kept repeating negative phrases over and over for almost a month before I surrended and went to the doctors. Anyways... it's not the worst but chaotic is still one of the worst, as it can cause me to do impulsive things but instantly regret them and get confused and ugh so on. Anyways...
  10. Sorry to hear this ScienceGuy. That's always a terrible place to be. You may nudge yourself to go out and yet you know you don't want to. To me it feels all part and parcel of a self-punishment system either way: I stay in bed to prove to myself that I can't handle the world and noone wants me round. Or I go out to equally prove just that, which I subconsciously either force onto the situation (by being aggressive) or I imprint false meanings onto other peoples' actions and events in general ('that woman over that gave me a dirty look, I must be trash'). It's a lose-lose situation really. I find the only way to 'overcome' is just to keep in touch with those you're most comfortable with as best you can and only do things that you really feel up to. Right now I feel like my mind is in utter chaos. A 'tightrope feeling' as I call it, which started yesterday evening. A kind of hyper state where I feel like I'm talking waaaay too fast, and yet everything around me is super slow. But unlike the positive hyper, I feel paranoid about my actions. I apologise by the way if any of my words above upset at all, as I didn't mean them to. I've barely any idea what I'm saying. I intended to go to town today and ended up staying in my bedroom and just realised it's 8.30pm. Now I can't focus, I'm starting to shake, and I have a headache. Ugh. At least my thoughts are so fast I don't dwell on things. Anyways, all the best to you ScienceGuy and everyone else here who's not doing so well today!
  11. I hear you with that last line. It's a horrid feeling. Though, whether there's subjectively a point or not, it's awesome that you were able to do these things today! Car browsing and 50 minutes of exercise sounds pretty exhausting to me, though there's a clear outcome to them; to get a potential deal and to keep healthy. Such productivity is something to be proud of and I hope you are able to at least feel even a tiny bit accomplished from having done these :)
  12. Was meant to go clothes shopping today but ended up having a few pints with friends instead. The booze got me down a little. I visited my aunt and cousin, cheered myself up a little, until I realised I was in an odd mood (hyper yet low; frantic) and decided to head home. So a real up-and-downer!
  13. Listening to a good song on repeat for a while whilst singing along to it. Can often keep me sane when I'm just edging a mood shift.
  14. Howdy fellow Brit! If you fancy a chat, feel free to message me bud. I'm geek through and through, and have Steam though don't tend to go on it that much. I hope you're alright.
  15. I first noticed signs of depression at 13 (though now realise signs of other mental illnesses were also around, some even earlier). I told my mum and she followed her strict rule at the time: hush hush. 'It's nothing, don't be silly, don't go round saying that or you'll get taken off me and yer dad, you haven't told anyone else have you? Make sure you don't tell anyone about that or yer dad's alcoholism or anything' Etc. I tried to fight all alone until mid-twenties. Only got officially diagnosed about 3 years ago and finally seeking actual help. And whilst my dad is now dead, my mother still shows clear disdain against treatment and diagnosis, attempting to normalise everything instead. Personal example there but this has given me a strong view on advice to others struggling with mental health issues: please seek help. I've been dealing with that sense of ignorance and stigma a lot lately too. Whether I'm being shrugged off or told to think of others for once by my mum, or constantly treated in an inappropriate way by therapists who just tell the group a bunch of information we've all heard before, and that these issues are perfectly normal and can be overcome very easily with willpower and mindfulness techniques. Each to their own I guess but even if these help someone a little bit, this attitude and approach can never 'cure' mental illness in the way that some people stupidly believe it can. Ugh, not meaning to rant there but I feel your pain with people not listening and pushing you down. You need to stay close to the helpful and understanding people in your life, and brave through the idiots to get the help you deserve. I hope things start getting a little better for you soon. Feel free to message me if you fancy a chat anytime!
  16. I think I need to go back to the counsellors. Not being able to talk to anyone is really getting to me. I can barely even manage it with my closest friends and family let alone anonymously on the internet. My mind is a jangled mess from being triggered by just receiving and replying to a message. Not even sure why. Maybe as it was a reminder of my feelings of being alone. Despite the fact I was with a friend in person at the time. It's sent me into a sad and anxious state anyway. And I'm just sick of my brain, sick of myself, and sick of that gnawing feeling that tells me everyone is sick of me. Even in writing this blog I feel people will hate me for it. Such stupid feelings from a stupid person, stupidly fighting a stupid war that's destined for an inevitably stupid outcome. Ugh.
  17. Some fantastic pieces here folks. I'm enjoying this thread. It helps folks to open up, share their souls a little, and get inspired. Putting aside whether I'm good or not, my main skill is in writing. I love art too but I'm even more self-critical and underconfident in that area. I used to run a DeviantArt account for a while but felt like everything I did was terrible. With all that said, here's a piece I started and gave up on when I was feeling particularly bad few weeks back. I had the manga Ubel Blatt volume number 0 in front of me and attempted to recreate the cover image.
  18. Kyle Jones He had no bones Propped up his body with sticks and stones Through gale and aggression All efforts drew to restoration A narrow-minded heart-pounding obsession Eyes streaming Heavy breathing A lost soul forever seething Kyle Jones He had no bones All that remains is sticks and stones
  19. It's been one of those nights. Meeting up with one of my closest friends. So close we consider each other family. But with whom I tend to end up drinking alcohol. I have a weakness to booze as it is as it definitely brings out my most emotional side. And then, as inherited by my alcoholic father, I have plenty of co-dependency issues. My addictions as they are I can cope with, for example cigarettes. This is certainly better than drugs (I've dabbled in the past but made a promise to stop and have stuck by it since) and booze (which is very easy to slip into). I now feel sick. And sad. And my arm stings from being silly to myself again. I just feel so damn emotional. So friggin lonely. And lost. And without cause or purpose. Without hope. After a terrible experience with the unemployment office today. And knowing I've got a home visit health assessment tomorrow. Everything is just so far gone. I'm too stuck in my ways (cowardice and logic) to do anything drastic yet all I want is an escape. To restart over again. I just... God D***it... and then when I do get a shoulder to cry on I can't unless I'm stupidly drunk because I'm too embarrassed to show my emotions. I've done it before and they just left me, and my family shuns me or has even suddenly hit me for it so what's the frickin point. Anyway...
  20. One of my absolute faves despite struggling to finish it yet. I find it brilliant and relatable and heartwarming just as i find it cringeworthy, depressing, and heartbreaking. Truly a honest look at health issues and lost souls.
  21. Telling people in a workplace can be a double edged sword. It can allow breathing room for error and issues but it can also cause higher ups to crack down on your efforts (or at least feel like youre under a magnifying glass). Some people are more understanding than others just as some workplaces can completely disregard disability and equality law. Its down to individual judgement call really. I saw both the positives and negatives for it in my jobs.
  22. For every job I've been in I've ended up having to tell management about my health issues and as they covered under the disability act it can provide some peace of mind. You may be able to request certain things for when you feel at your worst - i.e. to grab a quick break if having a panic attack. I've experienced all sorts of panic attacks and whilst instantaneous ones can be the most devastating and revealing to your current tasks and to those around you, the most painful to the sufferer is definitely the slow types where your thinking slows right down and everything feels like agony, like your heart is going edging closer to the surface. I'm sorry to hear everything your going through Gandolfication. I hope the panic attack has calmed down by now and that things start to get (at least) a little better soon.
  23. Videogame wise I say it really changes with my mood, though I always have certain genres and types I prefer over others. However here's a few recent examples: Diablo III - a dungeon crawler that is a mindless breeze on easier difficulties, if you want to feel like busying yourself without too much thought put in, this is reccomended. I finished the main game with two characters when most my play was done in the background as I watched films and youtube vids. Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: All-Star Battle - an anime fighter with tons of fan-service and charm, a story mode that you can essentially buy power-ups for (with in-game currency) after a few runs of the other modes. So general play goes in bite-size chunks, and can always be completed in another way if one gets frustrated. Fallout 4 - an open-world RPG that completely immerses you in its atmosphere, lore, exploration and combat. A fantastic game for total escapism.
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