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ParaDoxiPaladin

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Everything posted by ParaDoxiPaladin

  1. A complex cluster of cr** lies in wait at the back of this dirty cavern of a mind. But I'm doing my best to avoid confronting it all at the minute. Don't want to ever confront it. I know all I've been doing all my life is running, but it's only been proven to me that facing it just makes things worse. I think? Yeah, my mind's mess under the surface but I'm otherwise maintaining a VERY fragile semblance of control. For now.
  2. Tidied up a little, began re-playing The Last Of Us, had a bath, finished the Final Fantasy XV Demo, then went into town, met a friend, and we completed Uncharted 4.
  3. Been a lot on my mind lately but I'm putting it aside - as best I can - for the joy that came with completing Uncharted 4 tonight with one of my best friends. For me it may have a couple of obvious flaws - I do think the climax could have been bigger or there could have even wilder set pieces - but as it stands it's an easy 9 out of 10. As a fan of the 3rd one for its added focus on storytelling over the others I think the 4th just overtakes that spot now. 3 had more bombast but the character focused storytelling in 4 just reached through to me in a way a game hasn't done in a while. I've come to truly love the cast who all feel so realistic and relatable with their multiple layers and complex relationships despite being apart of an otherwise pretty OTT world. And Nathan Drake himself has now broke through into my list of favourite gaming characters. I won't go any further for fear of spoilers but the whole experience was a great adventure both as a thrillride and an exploration of the human hero. It also serves as a reminder of how media can really leave an impact on someone.
  4. Yeah so far there's been something keeping me in check. I certainly don't drink as heavily as I used to but I'm drinking pretty frequently lately, something that I haven't done before. Every 2 days or so it seems to be, sometimes a full bottle of alcohol, othertimes 3 bottles between me and a friend, and othertimes just 3 pints. It just worries me cause I always feel like I could end up getting like that if I don't watch myself. Just like how I fell into having recreational drugs everytime I went out years ago. I've since made a promise to myself never to touch drugs again (except for cigarettes) and I haven't now for about 3 years. Again, what I was doing wasn't that bad compared to some of the heaviest stuff around but it got to the point where I couldn't go clubbing without any for fear I wasn't 'myself', and I always did as much as possible in one night until I was almost passing out. There's always been something I'm 'addicted' to so I'm very wary of issues. Anyways, thanks! Glad you liked the title :P
  5. Ah no need to apologise but thanks for the reply :) I hope things start to get a little easier in due time
  6. I'm sorry to hear this Karen, for the sake of both yourself and your boyfriend. Honestly, I haven't read anyone else's comments here as this whole topic is a bit of a trigger for me but I felt driven to offer a few words. You see, about 2 years ago now I split up with my ex. I was with her for almost two years. I loved her an awful lot but she was also quite controlling, often refused to be nice to or even go near most of my friends and family, and did next to no comprising in terms of what we did. Nevertheless, I was able to look past all that. But... well, at that point I had been stable for about 2-3 years, at my slimmest, my happiest, had a job, everything. Soon enough though I had a series of increasingly worse issues. I got insomnia. I was diagnosed with anxiety. And then 6 months down the line I experienced the worst thing I've ever experienced: severely intruding negative thoughts, all day every day. It continued for a month, was like a voice whispering in my ear, and whilst it often spoke about how much I hated myself, it mostly attacked my ex calling her all sorts of names and telling me we shouldn't be together. It made me more ashamed, more heartbroken, more distraught than anything I've ever been through. I didn't truly think these things so why? I got officially diagnosed with depression though realised I had been experienced mental health issues pretty much all my life. My ex stuck with me through it all but then it got to a point where I had discovered she had cancelled my birthday plans and refused to go out with me for some reason. I got mad but didn't want to argue so hurt myself in private. She got upset then I said 'you deserve better, we shouldnt be together', then that was the time she actually said 'perhaps we shouldn't be together...' and we broke up within the half hour and I headed home. I won't deny it didn't leave me traumatised. I got better just to get worse again and my then partner couldn't handle it. Still, I realise also that we weren't the greatest match. Our interests were pretty different and as I said, she could be pretty cruel. I think my advice would be to keep having chats with him and try to get him into healthcare if possible. If you do love him as much as it sounds and you think he still loves you beyond the depression (which honestly, he may well still do) then time will prove whether things will work. My story is a bad example but I know plenty of couples where one of them (or both) have depression and they have had long and happy relationships. I wish you all the best in your future and hope my words haven't caused upset in any way. I appreciate the chance to get this kind of thing off my chest once in a while.
  7. Welcome back Nissala. I am sorry to hear you've been through such a rough time. I was forced to resign last year due to worsening health issues including 6 weeks off work for monitoring under a Crisis team. By the end of this month I will have been unemployed for a full year. Doctors, therapy, and medication is all one can do and yet I still feel terrified at the prospect of working again. At a deeper level of course our situations are different; I live at home with my mum and her boyfriend for instance. But I can still relate and empathize. My only advice is to keep pushing for further aid as much as you can. I hope you find your way back to a more stable level and, if you are willing and able, back into employment.
  8. Drunk again. I don't even drink that much before I'm p*****. But one drink usually leads to a binge until I'm emotional. Thus for a while I stopped drinking altogether but lately I've been drink8ng pretty frequently. At least one pint every other day. Which doesn't sound like much but... for me it's worrying. You see my dad was an alcoholic. And only in recent years have I realised that he himself had depression and/or worse. And my mum has recently confirmed that my dad nor she really believed in mental health diagnosis. So that explains a lot with me being told not to bother talking to the doctor or telling anyone about anything when I first plead for help when I was about 13. Now I'm all sorts of messed up, finding myself downing alcohol to numb that lurking sorrow. Hoping that tonight I won't have terrible nightmares and tomorrow I won't be beset by flashbacks, random mood swings, zero concentration, or a need to hurt myself. I would include the constant suicidal thoughts in there but they're never going to leave. I only hope this binge doesn't continue to get stronger and become just like my damn father. It's one of my biggest worries though thankfully so far something seems to be stopping me, even if it means my co-dependency still causes me to smoke. In my opinion, lung cancer is a better sacrifice than being a raging booze-hound. Anyways... I feel sick. Time for bed. If only it stops spinning.
  9. Even a simple 'routine' act can be spruced up so that it gives you an added feeling of purpose and achievement. Take a good look at what games you have. Are there any that you haven't completed? Perhaps you can make it a thing of this part of your routine being a more active mission to complete a certain game. Perhaps break up gameplay with a short walk in between or something like that. Or, if you're feeling brave and/or creative, perhaps you could find something else related to gaming as a new thing? For instance, writing reviews about ones you have played, or doing a twitch stream (which doesn't necessarily need to have you talking if you don't feel comfortable doing so)? As for the dwelling on memories, have you tried mindfulness techniques such as meditation, breathing exercises, and self-awareness? They don't help everyone and all of this is easier said than done but hopefully some of this helps.
  10. The devil? That's interesting. I hear my own voice in my head, whispering or screaming at me various nasty things like 'you're a piece of sh**', 'the lowest most pathetic scum', 'you don't deserve to live', etc. These intrusive types of thoughts are certainly the worst. Can overcome them temporarily in the early stages by using mindfulness and distraction techniques, but in extreme stages only medication can help.
  11. Ah I see. I often used to do the same until I ended up in a job where avoidance was wasn't possible; one of the reasons why I resigned. Work presents plenty of opportunities to nudge out of this state, though of course it is by no means 'easy'. I notice that when I've been in my bedroom for a few days without seeing anyone, interacting with anyone at all becomes outrageously difficult at first before it gets a little easier again. Years ago I was barely able to talk to shop staff on my own. Practises like exercise can give you independence and confidence eventually, as can the simple act of logging on here. If you ever want to chat please feel free to send me a message :)
  12. If you want to pursue this then keep seeing him and see how it goes. It's easier said than done but try not to give in to your thoughts so that you end up avoiding him; it kills me everytime I do that. Nor should you worry about extremes about putting your job in jeopardy. I would also say that in some situations open communication is key though that's entirely up to you; if you're really not up going to busy places or you feel unwell for that particular day or realise you haven't responded for a bit, just casually let him know 'oh sorry, I've been so busy lately' (or something like that). You don't have to indulge anything further until much later on, and even then only if you want to. Most of these issues can simply be seen as 'quirks', and will be accepted by most people as they appreciate you being honest and open in this way. Just be careful it doesn't end up in you constantly apologising for your ways, as that's an easy slope to slide down :P
  13. Are you still working allalone6? Because if you are then props to you for being able to get yourself out into that kind of interactive situation. I know that avoidance syndrome well, heck I think we all do here, and I believe it's something that will stick with anyone suffering from mental health issues. However going by personal experience, I used to do this far more commonly than I do now. Since getting officially diagnosed and telling my main friends and family about the issues, I feel comfortable enough with myself and them, to at least attempt going out until I feel unwell later. But I can also predict more accurately now how bad I will be before venturing out the comfort of my room. I would say don't beat yourself up for avoiding situations, but try to find the right situations that you are comfortable with enough to draw yourself out more little by little. This requires a lot of self-awareness and even at times some nudging ('I feel terrible but I'll go to my friend's... ah I feel better now, I'm glad I came round'), just take it in steps and try to get whatever support you can from your friends :)
  14. After a few days of being in a sort of 'chaotic' mood - where my mind was in turbo, flitting about between various emotions, though mostly negative - now I've recognize that I've slipped into a state of heavy anxiety. I'm still rambling and all over the place, as is common with anxiety anyway, but I'm finding talking far more difficult. Especially when talking about my health. I visited a friend last night, watched a film, and had an always-needed talk about health issues and future plans. Was a nice night as always despite feeling terribly anxious, yet I've woken up today with that old gnawing feeling in my chest telling me that I have something to feel guilty about. I've done something wrong. I need to confess, to apologise. Apparently. Well, of course this is rubbish but the feeling is so strong that it's forcing my mind to re-evaluate everything that has happened in order to pick out body language and precise dialogue as proof for my mistakes and why I deserve to feel this miserable. Yes, the mind can be an epic troll. Meanwhile I'm dealing with a realization that I seem to have been suffering with a condition that well has actually already been identified but I kind of ignored it until it was bought up recently. The only problem is that I'm having trouble accepting it, for odd reasons. I may make a separate post about this some other time, but that is definitely playing on my mind lately. As is the concept of stigma and what people think of me. I'm constantly thinking everyone is out to judge me and tell me off or belittle me, even when I know they would never do that. Even with my 3 closest people in my life, whom I trust and am comfortable with more than anyone else (even my own mother), I still have my mind telling me lies. It's an unceasing war that makes me want to weep and thrash out but none of that will do anything. I need to keep fighting by keeping a level head and pursuing health treatment, but naturally that's damn difficult. And today's group therapy will no doubt make me feel terrible again for how utterly useless it is, so here's hoping I can at least maintain a reasonable state of mind afterwards.
  15. Thanks for the comment and sorry for the late response, I somehow missed any notification of your message. I'm very glad to hear it had helped you overcome your agoraphobia. I know that CBT can help some if not many people. And some techniques used to help me a little, like breathing exercises and mindfulness practices. However I soon found that my mind rejected them. I questioned everything that was happening as an automatic response. Upon imagining putting my worries in a box and sending it downstream, I couldn't help but focus on the box and it wouldn't leave my head. I have gone through two courses of CBT, read through infopacks, read a book, listened to the audiobook, and am doing this course. I know a lot of it so well that it's just frustrating that I'm still being lumped back into trying it when I've already said it's not helped me.
  16. Very good in my opinion. Most fans of the series love 2 the most, whereas I preferred 3 for its focus on story, characters, and a large variance in setting. 4 expands upon that tenfold and balances out the gameplay more. This does make the classic shooting sections sometimes feel a little jarring in between the heaps of character building, backstory, and main narrative. And not so much in a pacing way, it's just like... exploring and then ooh there's some bad guys! The stealth mechanics are hugely improved though which makes that very satisfying and the more atmospheric moments really draw me in. Think The Last Of Us elements really show through, and whilst that isn't the kind of game that the previous Uncharteds were. So I understand why some people aren't sure about it but for me it may well be my favourite one. We left off at Chapter 17, hoping to continue this weekend.
  17. It's best to just let those wandering presumptions and imaginations wash over you rather than let them break you down. Certainly easier said than done, but I'd say simply live by what has actually happened rather than what could happen or what you think has happened. I'm so used to be shot down in the end that my mind can no longer take the build-up. I simply shoot down all possibilities in worst-case scenarios, and feel just as bad if not worse because I couldn't even bring myself to try.
  18. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling divastrop, you are certainly not the only one to do so when it comes to dealing with potential relationships. Honestly, I'll say right off the bat that I'm unable to offer any great advice on the matter as relationships is one of my worst areas. Got into my first a few years ago, partner was pretty controlling, I fell back into illness after being stable for a few years, then we split up and since then I've lost my job and my health has only gotten worse. I'm always thinking about dating yet simultaneously it is one of my triggers. If I end up befriending a lady, find them attractive, and get on well, then I instantly go into future thinking and shoot down the relationship before anything's even really started. And then soon enough it's been a couple of months since I've last spoken to them. I think the only advice I can give is to simply go at your own pace. Try not to overthink things too much, allow the pace to flow naturally, and if you're both interested and compatible and things will work themselves out. Don't allow those negative feelings to get in the way of meeting him if you're comfortable in doing so. And then once your therapist has returned from holiday, you can get additional support from them. I hope all goes well.
  19. Personally my greatest enjoyment in videogames comes from discovering and investing in the lesser known titles that then become long-running series. Two of my favourite Japanese series Zero Escape and Etrian Odyssey are getting sequels released in the next few weeks and I've already got special editions on pre-order :D
  20. Kids can be insensitive but on a different scale to adults. They may simply not realise how rude they're being. You could try telling them directly that they shouldn't be like that. Or inform their parents (depending on whether you know them or not). Or simply ignore it.
  21. That does all sound great. The only kicker I guess is that the best ones would require a fee (typical eh) but I could take a look whilst I stick with this excel 'diary' for now. Thanks melplus, yeah here's hoping it can actually be used toward something beneficial. I'm... not doing well at the minute to say the least.
  22. When faced with vague statements that you're not sure are insults or jokes, it's usually best to just leave it until something more is made of it. Or if they're friends or family you can just ask on the spot (without being too confrontational) 'what do you mean by that?' just for a friendly clarification. It can be easy to assume the worst only to find out they weren't talking about you or only meant it as a friendly joke. I hope all is okay anyway.
  23. Sorry to hear you have experienced this lisamarie, and everyone else here sharing their stories. My worst 'episodes' can only be described as 'fits', where my whole body tightens up before I eventually start thrashing out and screaming. These can be caused by triggers or happen randomly after a sudden flashback or sometimes for no apparent reason at all. The only solution is to ride it out.
  24. I suppose this is depends on the gamer themselves, their moods, and their lifestyle. I'm definitely more of a solo gamer though I do enjoy this spout of co-op gaming I started recently. Also love getting a group of friends round for multiplayer rounds, or going on MMOs like Final Fantasy XIV and hanging out with other players online.
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