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ParaDoxiPaladin

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Everything posted by ParaDoxiPaladin

  1. Since my resignation June 2015 I've been dyeing my hair. Either by bleaching the top blonde and leaving it as that or adding semi-permanent alpine green dye to it, going with the sides of normal color (brown). Today I just felt like doing something different. So I bleached all of my hair and dyed it blue; it didn't settle right at first (some of it looked green, other parts just didn't take), so I went added a second coat of bright blue whilst putting a slightly darker blue on the sides. Despite making a huge mess (ending up with a blue face and tainting my friend's bathtub blue) and taking about 4 hours, it turned out well in the end. And many folk liked and even loved it. That said, I couldn't help but feel vulnerable as I made the as-always unwise decision to go into town. As usual I couldn't look anyone in the eyes, and felt so awkward on the dancefloor as I don't dance (unless I go into a hyper mood or I'm bladdered but even then it'll only be brief). Mates make jokey comments about 'why did you decide to do that?', 'you look like you been bangin' smurfs', etc, all easy-ish to shrug off, to be expected. But when a mate says I'm going to get started on, and when my mum believes I only do things like dyeing unusual colors because it's going to get people having a go at me and I want that... well... that caused a negative mindset that had me analysing everything I was doing and realised how all my behaviours whilst out have always been anti-social, keeping people away. And that is never going to change. So I'm destined to never get into a relationship or make anything of myself cause even when I'm okay in mood and nice enough to people I still seem to send out negative vibes from all the chaos going on inside of me. Anyways... I escaped early and come home. Headache from booze (we have a blue colored cocktail, which was amusing). And it's Father's Day. I f***ing hate Father's Day. It always triggers me without fail. The build up and the day itself. I'll try and ignore it for now but might end up venting on here. For now I'm aiming to sober up, get a little happier, and brace myself for my mum's inevitable comments and the rest of the undoubtedly miserable upcoming days. Got a load of DVDs and PS3 games as well as a manga and tabletop game lately though so at least there's that I guess.
  2. Staying at a friend's house. Currently watching youtube trash by myself as I put off going to sleep.
  3. Hi Searchingforasoul. I'm actually going through a very similar search at the minute. And currently my mind is in disarray so apologies if my writing doesn't make sense. Today I'm feeling all sorts of emotions on the surface and have no focus yet deep down I'm empty and calm, a quiet submissive acceptance of everything being pointless and better than me. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about three years ago. A therapist and a few close friends and family notified me that I seem to demonstrate symptoms of ADHD and Bipolar, especially going by childhood behaviours. There also seems to be other possibilities. It seems to be going on for an eternity since doctors and therapists are arguing with why I'd want to take the tests for ADHD and Bipolar. Idiots. But I'm going to keep fighting it. So currently I'm in group therapy (which is only making me worse). However for the past few weeks I've been keeping a mood diary (to the best of my ability) to keep track of my activities and overall mood swings. I say 'overall' as in overall mood for morning and evening of each day. If I were to log all of my moods (which change almost all the time) then it would get too complicated. So maybe a mood diary might help the doctors and therapists make a conclusion on your tests? Going by your writing you seem to be in a very frantic, all-over-the-place mood (yaaaaay!!), which certainly reminds me of when I'm at my worse. There's not really anything else for me to say to be honest as I'm still seeking answers for myself on this same thing. I recently discovered two new issues. One that I have actually been diagnosed with (and wish not to share just yet), and another that I may or may not have but it's a strong possibility. Anyways, I hope you make a way with your diagnosis! (And sorry if I misread your questions or didn't answer things properly, honestly as my focus is pretty bad at the minute I was only able to scan-read your article :P)
  4. On the surface I'm able to laugh, get p***** off, and feel sad. And yet today, deep down inside, there's just a vacant sensation. Like... all of these emotions are not real. It's just the parts a puppet plays. There isn't any point in the puppet attempting to fight back against its puppeteer. I mean, yeah, there's a sense of 'frustration', from the fact that I'm barely doing anything at the minute. My days at home unemployed are completely wasted. I'm still too afraid to work. I'm too unenergetic, unmotivated, poor, and again afraid to exercise. And as much as I want to, I can't find it in me to escape. I want to do some writing, or apply for a job, or lose some weight, or just do something but I can't. I just can't. There's no point in any of it anyway. There's nothing. I'm just acting part. So I shall do exactly that for now. Quietly and subserviantly act the part no matter how much I may think it is ******* me underneath. I shall not talk to anyone about my issues. Because others have it worse. I shall not complain or ask for help. I shall just be. Until the puppeteer finally allows me not to be. Which will no doubt happen sometime in the next Millenium...
  5. Sad I missed the chance to see this at the cinemas but once this comes out on DVD I'll certianly be getting it. I run an exploitation film club for friends so will be featuring this in one of the Action themed sessions! I really enjoyed the first one so I wonder how I will like this. It does look great :D Glad you enjoyed it! Deadpool is one of my favourite Marvel films to date. Which always says something for me when I'm more of a DC fan and honestly think a lot of the Marvel films are overhyped. Deadpool though is refreshingly inventive and true to the feel of the comics. Well, this is a great thread for me. The only issue being that I don't watch that many films (that I haven't seen before) on my own. I watched two on Monday with a friend but we didn't finish either of them. They were Body Parts (1991) and The Human Race (2013). We expected them to be silly, crappy horrors and ended up seeming better and more serious than you would think. Wasn't in the mood for anything but trash so we turned them off :P
  6. Lying on my bed, doing nothing at all except perusing the web. Typical waste of the day. Perhaps this thread over time will help. Hopefully. Maybe.
  7. I enjoy plenty of actual bands but generally I tend to listen to soundtracks. Today been listening to 'His Name Is Diavolo' - character theme from PS3 game Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: All-Star Battle. And 'Peace Walker' the sortie theme from Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain.
  8. If you've kept it buried up until now then it's only natural for your emotions to be out of control. I say just let it all out. It may take some time to get back in control but it was probably going to happen sooner or later. At least that's the way I view it. I first noticed issues with myself at 13 but didn't speak to anyone about it til I was about 24. I'm now still trying to figure out exactly what's going on with me as there is apparently so much more than just anxiety and depression. I've been unemployed for a year now but at least I'm very slowly getting to the bottom of things. When I say 'intrusive negative thoughts' I mean an extreme form of when you think terrible things about someone or something. Though it doesn't sound like that from what you're saying, thankfully. That said, it does sound like your mind is certainly preoccupied on negative feelings and the past. I'm guessing feelings of self-loathing, guilt, and regret are pretty common? Some form of therapy to help go over this recent incident and your past should help you to accept it and move on, if only a little.
  9. Welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear of your situation Zero. First things first, seek further medical advice. Namely, see a counsellor or similiar health advisor. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is a good place to start, especially if this is indeed your first experience of depression. CBT can help with both depression and anxiety to identify the triggers (causes), and provide various ideas for management strategies and awareness tools such as 'mindfulness', breathing techniques (like in yoga), and diet plans (including sleep hygiene). There are of course further options after that but its best to start here really. For now you should think to yourself: Has there been any major changes that have upset you in your life recently? Have you experienced any repetitive negative thoughts?
  10. Surprised myself by managing to write up and host a session on 'Relaying Information' for my local writing group last week. So I guess that's a creative accomplishment. Yet I can't help but feel like it's not enough (like I always do). Lately I've had a desperate itch to write up a short story or series, but I just can't concentrate on any one project long enough. It's frustrating the hell out of me :(
  11. So I'm at my aunts when suddenly out of nowhere I start feeling deathly sick. Extreme sendations of guilt and fear and paranoia arise. Then I realise... I'm having a panic attack. Why? There was no trigger. The situation was that it was getting late and I thought I'd head home instead of staying over. Sure, I often get anxiety from the propspect of sleep - as I know I'll likely lie awake fir ages worrying or that I'll have terrible nightmares (which I do every single night) - but this isn't typically enough to send me over the edge. My only conclusion was medication. And sure enough I hadn't taken my pills all day. It's not always enough to send me into panic but it's happened before. The meds sap my concentration and drive and could do more but at least they noticeably lessen the attacks and other issues. Just wish I wasn't so damn dependent on them. I daren't ever come off them now. At least not for long periods. Last time I tried, my mood swings were so wild and uncontrollable I almost caused a car crash. At home now still trying to calm down from the attack. Feels like it's been a while since a full blown physical out-of-the-blue anxiety attack. I'm frequently getting worked up by various other sensations (flashbacks, fits of energy, etc) but not like this. Anyway... I suppose I should return to the bedroom. My prison... my sanctuary...
  12. I definitely know what you mean there 20Years. Especially when I'm with people that are not aware of (or just don't understand) my health issues, then I do something that they see as out of character. Or at least, what I presume they would see as 'out of character'. I overthink how others may judge my actions and then jump to worse-case misinterpretations. Great example of that is how I am around women that I'm not that familiar with. I either opt to not say anything and end up being judged as 'miserable' and not wanting the ladies around, or I'm too honest with my exploitation-loving open-minded ways (I run an exploitation film group for friends) and ladies end up frightened or disgusted with me. To be honest, I'm not sure that's happened much. That paranoia relates a lot more to my schooldays with girls calling me disgusting and etc. But I know one or two friends' girlfriends who heard about these films I show and get bit freaked out, but other than that they're fine with me and we get on okay. Hell, my ex loved most of that kind of stuff so I've proven to myself that I'm okay to accept myself as 'unique' whilst still knowing that I'm a nice guy underneath. But, well, the 'voices'/intruding-negative-thoughts of course still tell me otherwise.
  13. Before I was diagnosed I couldn't understand why I dtruggled so much at parties or in clubs. I'm at a gathering right now and already feeling anxious. The trick is to take note of what really triggers you and what makes things easier. Being a group of only people I get on with helps.
  14. Past few days I've been both very lethargic and very irritable. Today I'm feeling particularly anti-social. Yet whenever that happens I also wish there was someone next to me to cuddle. Anyways, as my mum and boyfriend are home and I've been invited to watch the Euros football at my friends, I'm on my way out. Probably a bad idea. For one I find football very boring. Once I get bored in a small space with many people then I can get extremely anxious. So I'll take my 3DS to keep boredom away. And I'm taking a bottle of alcohol. So... yeah. I can imagine some of my less supportive friends really winding me up. Got nothing better to do though so here goes. It's certainly better than town.
  15. I'm sorry to hear of this SugaredSloth. I can't imagine the struggle you are going through with your son, though I've known a few others in similar situations. I really want children someday but the possibility of inheriting mental health issues similar to mine or developing worse is always haunting me. We can only do our best as parents whilst still making sure to look after ourselves.
  16. Stayed over at a friend's house last night. Got dropped off in town this morning. Group therapy suggested guided meditation. Brought me to the brink of a panic attack. Then visited my aunt. Went home and visited my sister with my mum and the dog and went for a walk. I've since become super agitated and feeling rubbish. And something on the net triggered me. So... bleh... just want to escape now...
  17. Well for starters this is certainly nothing to feel guilty over :P My dad was a decent driver for the most part but a devil for road rage. There was quite a few incidents I remember in which he ended up shouting abuse out the window. My sister has since ended up quite like him. On the other hand some friends and I were on the receiving end once when we hadn't done anything wrong yet a couple decided to pull us over and get the driver to wind the window down to talk before he started threatening us. It was pretty intimidating but amusing to look back on. Whilst I don't drive I can relate in the sense of generally trying to avoid violence or anger. I've been punched a couple of times by strangers but never raised a fist back. And if someone insults me I try to simply walk away. Both out of wanting to the right thing and also for fear of whether or not I'd be able to protect myself. Once in a while though everyone has their limits or will need to blow some steam and - so long as it doesn't seriously hurt someone - you shouldn't blame yourself for it.
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