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ParaDoxiPaladin

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Everything posted by ParaDoxiPaladin

  1. Kevin is a fantastic movie but as a central theme is that of the mother going through post-natal depression and the debate over whether or not that contributed to Kevin's behaviours, yeah it's quite bleak and not for when one is feeling fragile. Once a friend and I watched a harmless looking cheesy horror movie called Let's Scare Jessica To Death. Expected fun tripe, got something way to close to the knuckle for two people with health issues. There was something about vampire-like creatures yes but the main focus was a surprisingly realistic (and wonderfully acted) portrayal of a woman who had briefly been in hospital and had now escaped to the countryside for some healing time. Every bizarre incident only really worried her because it might be the final confirmation that she had lost her sanity. One of those films I actually reccomend checking out for its relatable issues, buuuuut at the same time I don't because it will leave you feeling rubbish afterwards :S The last film I actually watched was The Darwin Awards earlier this week. Awesome film, about an ex police detective with an over-cautious personality (and a tendency to faint at the sight of blood) who becomes an insurance agent who goes about proving that the client and their questionable intelligence were at fault. Has quite the cast including Winona Ryder and cameos from Metallica and the Myth Busters. Could easily see a TV series continue the stories.
  2. My last group therapy today. My 12 week one-to-one course starts next week. After 7 prior sessions, it was the 8th that finally got me as I escaped from the room today. Everyone on about mental health and stigma, most saying how they were so relieved to get diagnosed for personality disorder on top of the depression and anxiety (peace of mind), and how - contrary to a popular survey - their immediate families didn't add to the stigma. Well, perhaps my biggest frustration has been desperately struggling to identify my other issues; I definitely have a/some personality disorder/s on top of the anxiety and depression. Also I'll say now - I was going to make a thing of it with a seperate post but I'll just say it here - I have also been diagnosed with PTSD. So that's finally another step which makes a lot of sense. I actually got my first diagnosis of that last year but blanked it ('that couldn't be me'), but recently was given it again and have finally accepted it. On top of the previous possibilities I've been looking into (Bipolar, ADHD/ADD, Aspergers, etc) I've also been suggested a new one that is a strong possibility: Dyslexia (with hints of Dyspraxia too, though apparently they kinda bleed into each other anyway).I was constantly reminded of that last one today as I kept writing words wrong, afraid to call people by their name in case I got it wrong, and a whole thing with phone numbers. You see afterward we all went to the pub and ended up exchanging numbers. I wish I was more outspoken and checked the numbers but was so afraid of buggering up I just gave my number to a couple of people, without even knowing their names or numbers. Thankfully I think I've kinda sorted it now, kinda. But why should I have numbers of people anyway? Why would they want to be my friend? My current friends have enough of a hard time as it is. That's all the thinking in my head in these situations. I suppose us knowing about each others' health issues helps us relax a little but at the same time for me it feels like I'm massively exposed. It's one thing to put on a mask and act a part; that's tiring. Once you're acquainted with someone someone closely then you take off that mask and can even expose the health issues and more; it's difficult yes even after years of knowing someone in such a close way. But getting to know someone face-to-face for the first time with all that exposed; it's tough. All my self-loathing comes out full-force. And today as you can tell my mind is in clumsy/overdrive mode torturing myself, combing over details, remembering that my therapist/CPN (whatever they're called) stated he thought I showed the most progress throughout the course despite things still clearly being extremely difficult almost constantly, I managed to open up a little. Which I have done I guess. Though it feels like everytime I do, I immediately need to stab myself and look down at the floor for being so stupid for saying such stupid selfish things and my life's a mess and I have no purpose and ugh... yeah typewriter's crashed again... I... don't know what I'm gabbin about anymores. Sorry. I'm gonna... *******it why I'm still typing?
  3. That's always the worst, I hope you feel better soon! Maybe a hot milky drink will help :) I've fallen into my old pattern of being terrified of sleep and waiting til it gets light. It's just gone midnight here in the UK so for now at least just playing Fallout 4 in the dark whilst I sip a milky cup of tea and listen to youtube vids in the background. Edit: And I look down to see a strange beast on my floor, reminding me that the dog snuck into my room because the microwave (re-heating the tea) scared her :P
  4. Past few days have been particularly difficult mostly due to two big factors: I no longer have a working phone, and my sleep has once again boiled back down to: I know the nightmares will be fierce and wake me up in puddles of sweat and screams constantly so sleep terrifies me unless I stay up til it's light and go to bed with the curtains open and something to distract me. Still, I'm trying my best to remain positive. Even if only a little. Even if I'm barely doing so. Even if I know that being positive in any way will probably just end in all my hopes coming crashing down to punish me as usual- but, ah sorry, my mind's a mess and my mood's a bit blah. Anyway; at least today I managed to do my first piece of creative writing in about five months (other than for my writing group but they're informative rather than creative). I mean, it didn't end how I originally planned. It instead turned out way darker and more depressing than I wanted it to but at least it's something done that I thought I couldn't do. Even when I've had nothing but intense headaches lately. My Friday film group was a success, I beat a few levels of a survival horror game today (which means alot to me when I worry that my anxiety has stopped me being able to play certain games), and this week's group therapy is the last one before my one-to-one 12 week therapy course, which hopefully will both provide a few answers and set me on track for reaching a few goals. Highly doubtful on that last one but you never know. Been invited to watch the Euros football tomorrow which I may decline as it usually bores me which leads to panic. But here's hoping that the week ahead can at least provide a little productivity, achievement, joy, and relief for myself and others out there.
  5. I once asked this of my doctor and they said that should never happen. I've switched between numerous meds since, the doctors know I still smoke, and I've not once been advised of any risks. You should be fine.
  6. Orange with red and yellow and brown and blue and ugh...
  7. Tonight was this month's session of the exploitation film group I run for friends. One of the movies I showed was John Boorman's 1974 surreal sci-fi Zardoz. It begins oddly enough with a giant stone head stating that 'guns are good, the penis is evil' to a group of people that include Sean Connery in a speedo, and things only get crazier from there. Honestly, I've seen other films with similar plots done slightly better but it certainly is a clever and visually beautiful film. There are just so many moments that are unintentionally funny and flat-out bizarre for the point of being flat-out bizarre. The best thing by far is of course Sean Connery in a wedding dress. The whole film must give Mr Connery PTSD for the ridiculous things he wears, sees, and goes through. And really, the film itself may be enough to trigger some viewers, more because of the editing and delivery than the actual events. But still; Sean Connery in a ******* wedding dress. I never thought I'd see the day. And now I have. And despite having a headache, being in a fidgety mood, and starting to feel a nasty sense of loneliness after everyone's gone, I can still remain in fairly high spirits because of this. Well, that and The Cinema Snob movie which I finally got round to watching and loved but I could go on about that for ages so I won't. Just thought I'd share this with folks and hopefully it'll bring smiles to others too. If I ever see Connery in person, you can guarantee I will be asking him questions about Zardoz. A great man.
  8. Hi all, just thought I'd mention this here as maybe some of you might be able to help :) Just started up a topic named 'Advice - Self-Employment, Patreon, Etc'. Discussing the idea of creative writing funded by donations. Last time I asked for advice for this online I got a lot of negative feedback but everyone on this site is nice enough so I'm putting myself out there again. I love the idea of self-employment but my lack of confidence, motivation, and focus really prevents me from throwing myself into it. That and of course my health issues that I fear (and often do) just tell me that this project will not be done. But perhaps if I get started and people begin donating and expressing positive opinion of my work then it may push me onwards? Not sure. Anyways, if anyone has any advice please comment/message or visit my forum topic in this category. Thanks in advance :)
  9. Wasn't sure where else this topic would go as whilst it is a request for advice, it is 'casual' (I guess) in nature. Does anyone have experience in becoming a creator on Patreon or using any kind of online platform for donation-supported work? I would love to get into writing and/or media work (like video reviews or whatever) but have struggled with confidence for so long. I'm wondering whether to just go for it and put myself on Patreon but then the idea of regular schedules scares me quite a bit. I'm feeling productive today but what if, like so many other projects, my attention goes and I never return to it? Or, right before a deadline, I get end up taking an emotional dive and not feel like doing anything? It'll not only look bad but forever stain my reputation (potentially). Yet, if it goes well, then it might be what I need to continually push me into regularly writing and - best case scenario - direct me toward self-employment; something that I would absolutely love to get into but have so far seen it as nigh impossible. For now, my idea was to constantly work on a sci-fi story series I've been playing about with for a long time. I've got a load of characters and storylines already, though only one chapter actually written so far. Does anyone have any advice? I once asked this on DeviantArt and all I got was along the lines of 'abandon all hope now'. Thanks in advance :)
  10. 'Highschool of the Dead' by Kishida Kyoudan & The Akeboshi Rockets
  11. Went to my writing group. Wasn't one of my best appearances. I was very quiet. Felt awkward. We had an author visit. I found them extremely boring and kinda self-centered, and they kept mentioning their work in a specific area; my ex's home town, which of course triggered me; lead to flashbacks and flinching and wanting to hurt self and all sorts of bad thoughts I don't want in my head. And then the next two proposed sessions for the group sound rubbish also; looking to be a 'fantasy for beginners' (I've been at the group for almost 4 years now), and a session about flashfiction (which I already hosted one for only 5 months ago). So not a great night. But at least I managed to get myself out for it I guess. And it was a better option than going to my friend's house to watch football. Last time I did that I ended up in a worse state. When I got back home tonight I made some noodles and bacon, followed up by a bag of chocolates, and watched HighSchool Of The Dead. An anime which I've found surprisingly good and has cheered me up a bit. Even if there is still a trove of nasty feelings stirring underneath.
  12. Went to writing group. An author visited. Was rubbish and it triggered me. Bah...
  13. Sorry to hear 20Years. It's nice that the place is still in the family and that you have nice memories of them. Father's Day, Valentine's Day, and New Year's are my 'top' three, with the last one being my absolute worst. If I go out I always end up feeling suicidal so I've been staying indoors the past few years, and still feel awful over it. The idea of 'another year wasted' or 'another year alone' just pops into my mind. Yeah I guess so. Thanks :) Sorry to hear of this ngr, but sounds like a nice lot of memories with your grandpa. Everyone has their own reactions to grief whether conscious or not. When my granddad died, my grandma started throwing all the furniture and my granddad's belongings out. Then she was desperate to return to her origin country of Ireland. Obviously we didn't want her to rush into things so we suggested instead that we all on go on a holiday to visit our family there so we went away for about 2 weeks. Despite my health sometimes getting in the way was actually a really nice time. Happy occasions can sometimes rise out of the unhappy ones I guess.
  14. When I first catch wind that Father's Day is round the corner, so begins a building state of complex emotions. Father's Day has always been pretty odd for me. My dad was an alcoholic so my granddad was more of a father to me. About 7 or 8 years ago now my dad died of cancer, followed by my granddad passing of pneumonia only 3 months afterward. It was 2 years before my dad succumbed to the cancer, whilst my granddad suddenly died in the night, much to the shock of everyone as he hadn't told anyone he had pneumonia. It's odd that I don't tend to think of my granddad that much now yet I think about my dad very frequently. You see, I feel closure with the former as there wasn't really any bad blood between us. My dad on the other hand is nothing but a huge ocean liner of confused feelings. On the one hand I miss him, and going by the last two years of his life, we had the potential to get on. From what I know now, he clearly had mental health issues (which I've inherited) and co-dependency seemed to be apart of that, which led to the alcoholism. So I'm able to have some understanding there and wish we could now talk about things in depth. However on the flip side, when I begin to imagine him coming back or if he was simply still around with nothing having happened... I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. At his worst, I absolutely hated him. And then there's the fear of becoming just like him. Or not even becoming a father at all. Why should I deserve to be? Ugh... Father's Day is one of those many holidays where you go into a shop or on a social networking site and BOOM! everywhere you turn it's there. And then I feel like I owe my dad - or at least deserve to punish myself - by walking down to the crematorium. When I was with the ex I shared a meal with her step-father and that felt nice for a change. No arguments, no potential drunkeness, no rubbish thoughts over the past, it was just simple and pleasant. Too bad now that the breaking up of that relationship has turned every memory of it into a potential trigger. *sigh* And then there's my mum's boyfriend who I'm still pretty cautious of (he once threw a book at me and went for me), and the recent loss of his father whom he had mixed feelings about. So then I feel guilty that I'm still messed up over someone who went over 7 years ago. The same someone whom I miss yet simultaneously am so glad about no longer being with us. My life would be so much different if he was still here. Ugh. ******* Father's Day. I hate it. Anyways... if anyone happens to read this I hope you're having an okay holiday.
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