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Blog Comments posted by ParaDoxiPaladin

  1. Thanks folks I appreciate the comments :) my therapist is someone who led a bunch of the group therapy courses, which has helped me get more comfortable in speaking to him. Though again it's still difficult and some issues in particular never get easier to talk about. So I'm worried about getting round to that, just as I'm worried that this will once again result in a complete waste of time. But I'm trying to remain positive even if that optimism only remains as a tiny microscopic spec of hope.

  2. 14 hours ago, 20YearsandCounting said:

    Sorry, Para.  ((hugs))  I have holidays like that, too. The traditional Thanksgiving and Christmas are my 'triggers'.

    And my maternal grandparents died back in about 1993, and I still haven't gotten over that in many ways. My parents are still alive, thankfully, but I really connected deeply with my maternal grandmother, and the place they lived out in the country.  When they died and the place went up for sale I couldn't eat for days. Luckily, someone in the family bought the place. So it stayed in the family, so far.

    Grief has it's own timetable, and past pain only complicates that. Don't beat yourself up. You seem like a fairly self aware young man, give yourself credit for at least seeing in yourself what most people either avoid or remain willfully ignorant of in themselves. 

    Sorry to hear 20Years. It's nice that the place is still in the family and that you have nice memories of them. Father's Day, Valentine's Day, and New Year's are my 'top' three, with the last one being my absolute worst. If I go out I always end up feeling suicidal so I've been staying indoors the past few years, and still feel awful over it. The idea of 'another year wasted' or 'another year alone' just pops into my mind. Yeah I guess so. Thanks :)


    8 hours ago, no good relationship said:

    my dad was an alccoholic 2 and when my grandpa retired in 1986 we started bowhunting and fishing togrther we had a nice run of 18yrs going up to the old cabin in northern wisconsin my dad passed i n 2008 my grandma in 2014 gramp died of a broken heart in 2014 they were married77yrs gramp was 97

    Sorry to hear of this ngr, but sounds like a nice lot of memories with your grandpa. Everyone has their own reactions to grief whether conscious or not. When my granddad died, my grandma started throwing all the furniture and my granddad's belongings out. Then she was desperate to return to her origin country of Ireland. Obviously we didn't want her to rush into things so we suggested instead that we all on go on a holiday to visit our family there so we went away for about 2 weeks. Despite my health sometimes getting in the way was actually a really nice time. Happy occasions can sometimes rise out of the unhappy ones I guess.

  3. I definitely know what you mean there 20Years. Especially when I'm with people that are not aware of (or just don't understand) my health issues, then I do something that they see as out of character. Or at least, what I presume they would see as 'out of character'. I overthink how others may judge my actions and then jump to worse-case misinterpretations. Great example of that is how I am around women that I'm not that familiar with. I either opt to not say anything and end up being judged as 'miserable' and not wanting the ladies around, or I'm too honest with my exploitation-loving open-minded ways (I run an exploitation film group for friends) and ladies end up frightened or disgusted with me. To be honest, I'm not sure that's happened much. That paranoia relates a lot more to my schooldays with girls calling me disgusting and etc. But I know one or two friends' girlfriends who heard about these films I show and get bit freaked out, but other than that they're fine with me and we get on okay. Hell, my ex loved most of that kind of stuff so I've proven to myself that I'm okay to accept myself as 'unique' whilst still knowing that I'm a nice guy underneath. But, well, the 'voices'/intruding-negative-thoughts of course still tell me otherwise.

  4. Yeah so far there's been something keeping me in check. I certainly don't drink as heavily as I used to but I'm drinking pretty frequently lately, something that I haven't done before. Every 2 days or so it seems to be, sometimes a full bottle of alcohol, othertimes 3 bottles between me and a friend, and othertimes just 3 pints. It just worries me cause I always feel like I could end up getting like that if I don't watch myself. Just like how I fell into having recreational drugs everytime I went out years ago. I've since made a promise to myself never to touch drugs again (except for cigarettes) and I haven't now for about 3 years. Again, what I was doing wasn't that bad compared to some of the heaviest stuff around but it got to the point where I couldn't go clubbing without any for fear I wasn't 'myself', and I always did as much as possible in one night until I was almost passing out. There's always been something I'm 'addicted' to so I'm very wary of issues.


    Anyways, thanks! Glad you liked the title :P

  5. The devil? That's interesting. I hear my own voice in my head, whispering or screaming at me various nasty things like 'you're a piece of sh**', 'the lowest most pathetic scum', 'you don't deserve to live', etc. These intrusive types of thoughts are certainly the worst. Can overcome them temporarily in the early stages by using mindfulness and distraction techniques, but in extreme stages only medication can help.

  6. Ah I see. I often used to do the same until I ended up in a job where avoidance was wasn't possible; one of the reasons why I resigned. Work presents plenty of opportunities to nudge out of this state, though of course it is by no means 'easy'. I notice that when I've been in my bedroom for a few days without seeing anyone, interacting with anyone at all becomes outrageously difficult at first before it gets a little easier again. Years ago I was barely able to talk to shop staff on my own. Practises like exercise can give you independence and confidence eventually, as can the simple act of logging on here. If you ever want to chat please feel free to send me a message :)

  7. Are you still working allalone6? Because if you are then props to you for being able to get yourself out into that kind of interactive situation. I know that avoidance syndrome well, heck I think we all do here, and I believe it's something that will stick with anyone suffering from mental health issues. However going by personal experience, I used to do this far more commonly than I do now. Since getting officially diagnosed and telling my main friends and family about the issues, I feel comfortable enough with myself and them, to at least attempt going out until I feel unwell later. But I can also predict more accurately now how bad I will be before venturing out the comfort of my room.

    I would say don't beat yourself up for avoiding situations, but try to find the right situations that you are comfortable with enough to draw yourself out more little by little. This requires a lot of self-awareness and even at times some nudging ('I feel terrible but I'll go to my friend's... ah I feel better now, I'm glad I came round'), just take it in steps and try to get whatever support you can from your friends :)

  8. Thanks for the comment and sorry for the late response, I somehow missed any notification of your message.

    I'm very glad to hear it had helped you overcome your agoraphobia. I know that CBT can help some if not many people. And some techniques used to help me a little, like breathing exercises and mindfulness practices. However I soon found that my mind rejected them. I questioned everything that was happening as an automatic response. Upon imagining putting my worries in a box and sending it downstream, I couldn't help but focus on the box and it wouldn't leave my head.

    I have gone through two courses of CBT, read through infopacks, read a book, listened to the audiobook, and am doing this course. I know a lot of it so well that it's just frustrating that I'm still being lumped back into trying it when I've already said it's not helped me.

  9. Very good in my opinion. Most fans of the series love 2 the most, whereas I preferred 3 for its focus on story, characters, and a large variance in setting. 4 expands upon that tenfold and balances out the gameplay more. This does make the classic shooting sections sometimes feel a little jarring in between the heaps of character building, backstory, and main narrative. And not so much in a pacing way, it's just like... exploring and then ooh there's some bad guys! The stealth mechanics are hugely improved though which makes that very satisfying and the more atmospheric moments really draw me in. Think The Last Of Us elements really show through, and whilst that isn't the kind of game that the previous Uncharteds were. So I understand why some people aren't sure about it but for me it may well be my favourite one. 

    We left off at Chapter 17, hoping to continue this weekend.

  10. Thanks. I haven't tried any online mood trackers. My spreadsheet seems to be doing the trick for now, but I might have a look to see how other trackers are structured. For the past couple of days now I've been in this chaotic kind of mood which is difficult to pin down because I'm flitting between so many emotions within this state. Last night I was fine for ten minutes then for the next 50 minutes I'd be sobbing, then angry, then confused, etc. My diary allows me to keep few extra notes for some important info, like if I recognise a particular event that triggered a downfall.

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