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Blog Entries posted by ParaDoxiPaladin

  1. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Since being diagnosed with BPD it's helped me to step back and attempt to look at my thought processes objectively. It still means that I'll struggle with relationships, a firm grasp on reality (I have 'moments' and 'sensory episodes'), and other things that come with the condition. Recently my transition from Textiles to Graphics has been very difficult to deal with due to attachment/abandonment issues though I ultimately dealt with it by explaining the full situation honestly to my tutor who worked with me to form a plan to manage it.
    However what I'm here to talk about today is my ongoing battle for a sense of identity. If it weren't bad enough that my mind still misinterprets things and constantly tells me 'I'm a piece of ' and 'I'm evil' and so on, then even outside of that I'm apparently 'nothing'. And yet... in recent years I've managed to step in a direction I've wanted to since teenage years. As of today I now have three tattoos (chest, upper arm, and forearm; brought in that order) and three piercings (my ears, and - done yesterday - my septum). I have a long custom made leather coat I order off ebay (cost about £180), a pair of lifetime docs, two sets of leather fingerless gloves (one pair with studs, one without), and a black beanie hat. The chest tattoo is custom designed based on my favorite band Nine Inch Nails, the upper arm tat is a Paladin's shield from the game series Etrian Odyssey, and the forearm tattoo is Kei Kurono from manga series Gantz, to be coloured in June. Currently I also have my hair dyed blue though after getting a haircut there's only a bit of blue left on top whilst the sides are my natural brown tone.
    Why is this so important? Well with the way my mind works I could just say it's my BPD, my borderline Aspergers, my OCD, or whatever. But in general terms it's important; every little thing means something to me; I cling to it all dearly to show myself and others that I have an identity. Many of my t-shirts have game or anime or just weird designs on them. I want more gothic stuff but I'm pretty picky as I prefer a bit more colour than just 'everything is black' hence why I dub myself an 'alternative geek'. That's the best acceptance I've acquired in my life for a sense of custom-built identity. My interests really do vary on a wide palette and change round routinely over time and yet I know what I like and know what I don't like. It's goes similar for my beliefs; I didn't used to think I had any personal beliefs and yet in recent years I've realised I actually hold quite a few, I'm just not throwing them in people's faces unless they're being attacked. One such belief is that people should have equal rights and not be bullied especially when it comes to vulnerable people, and I'm finding myself have more courage to stand up to others and say in my own way 'oi don't do that'. There's been quite a few incidents where I've had to stand up for others recently and whilst confrontation of any kind always causes me to have a breakdown afterwards it's nice to be able to say that within the moment I did actually stand up and defend someone, in turn defending my own beliefs and - to a lesser extent - highlighting to others and myself what kind of person I want to be and work to be.
    Now that summer's coming round the corner I've found myself stripped of my long coat, gloves, and docs and once again losing some of my identity. Though I've already been thinking of how I can amend that by filling the void with jewellery such as bracelets, chains, rings, and more piercings. Yes when I put it like that it sounds like it's some kind of desperate addiction but rest assured I'm being careful. I've had education on addiction before (I do have some; my biggest being self-harm, which I have generally managed to get under control for now, despite a few slips) and for my purchases I'm making sure to budget albeit loosely (and again it's good to know many BPDers can experience reckless spending apparently). I'm currently saving £100 for the rest of my forearm colour deposit in June. After that I might end up getting more piercings yes and in the future more tattoos too but again I'll be careful. Might be moving out, learning to drive, and hopefully going on numerous training courses later this year so might as well treat myself a little whilst I can. To anyone else it might sound silly (my mum especially gives me nothing but grief about it) but to me these kinds of purchases are very important for many reasons such as the identity situation and even the pain of it (the forearm tattoo especially was a Biotch on my wrist and elbow crease) which is somewhat therapeutic.
    I realise now that I'm rambling hugely so I've put the cap on my head after it's vomited onto this screen and let you all read. Finding myself super busy with everything lately but as I said before I'll try to at least keep people updated with these blogs. I hope everyone else is doing okay.
  2. ParaDoxiPaladin
    I've been sorting out past emails and of course I start to find many from my ex girlfriend, including a poem from her. It's... a bit difficult. I'm keeping myself distracted with youtube vids in the background and trying to focus on getting things done but when I think about how I was actually loved back then, it reminds me of how lonely I feel now and how hopeless it seems to think I might get into a relationship again in the future. I'll try to remain somewhat positive and grounded in the present.
  3. ParaDoxiPaladin
    It's been two years since my last blog here. Not sure if I'll be sticking around for long this time but just thought I'd check out the site and leave an update in case anyone's interested.
    In a previous blog entry I was discussing how I was getting fed up of group therapy. Well since then I have gone into one-to-one therapy and acquired several new diagnosis. Following this I transferred onto a psychotherapist and since September 2017 I have been at a private college that helps vulnerable adults. I have passed MVQ courses for Level 1 and 2 in Fashion & Textiles. Soon I will be moving onto Graphics though I am finding it difficult to move to a different department due to the relationships I formed in the prior course.
    I now also have a work coach who is assigned specifically to those with mental health disability. Future goals are now to work towards a career in being a Creative Writing & Media Studies tutor for vulnerable adults. I'm currently volunteering to run a minor Writing group on Fridays for a few of the students at my college. Despite only a few attendees I am finding it useful to practise my techniques, form a new portfolio of sessions, and find what people really enjoy. I now also host and organise another local writing group that I've been attending for several years. I ended up volunteering at the college simply because I was trying to draft some fellow students to the local group but they were put off by being around strangers; and somehow it's now seemingly leading to a career.
    For those interested my current diagnoses are as follows:
    Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, OCD, and BPD (/EUPD).
    I consider myself having 'borderline Aspergers' as I was tested for Autism and was only two marks away. Dyslexia also seems likely though I have yet to be tested due to its expenses.
    I have come to realise since that Aspergers and Dyslexia symptoms could be part of the BPD and other things. It's all pretty blurry but hey I'm constantly learning more about myself, understanding myself, and with the help of medical professionals and the tutors and students at my college I am coming to forgive myself for my issues and know how to deal with issues better.
    I hope anyone reading this is doing okay and is able to look back on things and accept that they have made some progress over the years, no matter how difficult that may be to see at times.
    ~ Cheerio
  4. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Haven't been on the site for a fortnight or so I think. I would say I've had stuff going on but really it's just been another example of my virtually non-existent concentration and potential to quickly move from one thing to another. I kept thinking about the site but then got sidetracked by something. I've been trying to get back into writing. Did 6 hours of work yesterday (somehow). But only 15 minutes today and I fear this low may stick for tomorrow and the day after as its one of my best friends' birthday Sunday so we've been celebrating. And today I've had like 5 pints and I feel a bit bleurgh. I only hope I can get back on writing soon and start getting stuff uploaded. Also, I started the first session of my one-to-one therapy course yesterday. It was tough (naturally), having to give an outline on everything but its already giving me a tiny glimmer of hope. Something that has instantly made be panic because no way should I have any semblance of hope, I don't deserve it, nothing can get better, I always have and always will 100% hate myself, yada-yada... Similar to how my mother's offered to pay for me going on holiday with a mate if I care to arrange it but I don't feel like I deserve it at all and only feel guilty about it. There's also the fact that I'm very limited in where I go and who with due to my issues. I was invited on a 'lads' holiday to a popular seaside place. Nope. Can't do it. I'd prefer just myself and one friend at a fairly quiet town really. Anyways, I hope everyone on here is doing as okay as they can be. I need to try to get back into a routine of visiting this site, but at least I've been bit more active, bit more social, and bit more productive lately. I'll avoid jinxing it and overthinking it. Best to just finally achieve a goal I set forth and actually get some writing uploaded and see how this therapy goes. And not push myself over this weekend. I'm worried I'll end up going out into town Saturday and drink too much and feel absolutely awful but I'll try to maintain some control. Anyways...
  5. ParaDoxiPaladin
    My last group therapy today. My 12 week one-to-one course starts next week. After 7 prior sessions, it was the 8th that finally got me as I escaped from the room today. Everyone on about mental health and stigma, most saying how they were so relieved to get diagnosed for personality disorder on top of the depression and anxiety (peace of mind), and how - contrary to a popular survey - their immediate families didn't add to the stigma. Well, perhaps my biggest frustration has been desperately struggling to identify my other issues; I definitely have a/some personality disorder/s on top of the anxiety and depression. Also I'll say now - I was going to make a thing of it with a seperate post but I'll just say it here - I have also been diagnosed with PTSD. So that's finally another step which makes a lot of sense. I actually got my first diagnosis of that last year but blanked it ('that couldn't be me'), but recently was given it again and have finally accepted it. On top of the previous possibilities I've been looking into (Bipolar, ADHD/ADD, Aspergers, etc) I've also been suggested a new one that is a strong possibility: Dyslexia (with hints of Dyspraxia too, though apparently they kinda bleed into each other anyway).I was constantly reminded of that last one today as I kept writing words wrong, afraid to call people by their name in case I got it wrong, and a whole thing with phone numbers. You see afterward we all went to the pub and ended up exchanging numbers. I wish I was more outspoken and checked the numbers but was so afraid of buggering up I just gave my number to a couple of people, without even knowing their names or numbers. Thankfully I think I've kinda sorted it now, kinda. But why should I have numbers of people anyway? Why would they want to be my friend? My current friends have enough of a hard time as it is. That's all the thinking in my head in these situations. I suppose us knowing about each others' health issues helps us relax a little but at the same time for me it feels like I'm massively exposed. It's one thing to put on a mask and act a part; that's tiring. Once you're acquainted with someone someone closely then you take off that mask and can even expose the health issues and more; it's difficult yes even after years of knowing someone in such a close way. But getting to know someone face-to-face for the first time with all that exposed; it's tough. All my self-loathing comes out full-force. And today as you can tell my mind is in clumsy/overdrive mode torturing myself, combing over details, remembering that my therapist/CPN (whatever they're called) stated he thought I showed the most progress throughout the course despite things still clearly being extremely difficult almost constantly, I managed to open up a little. Which I have done I guess. Though it feels like everytime I do, I immediately need to stab myself and look down at the floor for being so stupid for saying such stupid selfish things and my life's a mess and I have no purpose and ugh... yeah typewriter's crashed again... I... don't know what I'm gabbin about anymores. Sorry. I'm gonna... *******it why I'm still typing?
  6. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Past few days have been particularly difficult mostly due to two big factors: I no longer have a working phone, and my sleep has once again boiled back down to: I know the nightmares will be fierce and wake me up in puddles of sweat and screams constantly so sleep terrifies me unless I stay up til it's light and go to bed with the curtains open and something to distract me.
    Still, I'm trying my best to remain positive. Even if only a little. Even if I'm barely doing so. Even if I know that being positive in any way will probably just end in all my hopes coming crashing down to punish me as usual- but, ah sorry, my mind's a mess and my mood's a bit blah.
    Anyway; at least today I managed to do my first piece of creative writing in about five months (other than for my writing group but they're informative rather than creative). I mean, it didn't end how I originally planned. It instead turned out way darker and more depressing than I wanted it to but at least it's something done that I thought I couldn't do. Even when I've had nothing but intense headaches lately.
    My Friday film group was a success, I beat a few levels of a survival horror game today (which means alot to me when I worry that my anxiety has stopped me being able to play certain games), and this week's group therapy is the last one before my one-to-one 12 week therapy course, which hopefully will both provide a few answers and set me on track for reaching a few goals. Highly doubtful on that last one but you never know. Been invited to watch the Euros football tomorrow which I may decline as it usually bores me which leads to panic. But here's hoping that the week ahead can at least provide a little productivity, achievement, joy, and relief for myself and others out there.
  7. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Tonight was this month's session of the exploitation film group I run for friends. One of the movies I showed was John Boorman's 1974 surreal sci-fi Zardoz. It begins oddly enough with a giant stone head stating that 'guns are good, the penis is evil' to a group of people that include Sean Connery in a speedo, and things only get crazier from there. Honestly, I've seen other films with similar plots done slightly better but it certainly is a clever and visually beautiful film. There are just so many moments that are unintentionally funny and flat-out bizarre for the point of being flat-out bizarre. The best thing by far is of course Sean Connery in a wedding dress. The whole film must give Mr Connery PTSD for the ridiculous things he wears, sees, and goes through. And really, the film itself may be enough to trigger some viewers, more because of the editing and delivery than the actual events. But still; Sean Connery in a ******* wedding dress. I never thought I'd see the day. And now I have. And despite having a headache, being in a fidgety mood, and starting to feel a nasty sense of loneliness after everyone's gone, I can still remain in fairly high spirits because of this. Well, that and The Cinema Snob movie which I finally got round to watching and loved but I could go on about that for ages so I won't. Just thought I'd share this with folks and hopefully it'll bring smiles to others too. If I ever see Connery in person, you can guarantee I will be asking him questions about Zardoz. A great man.

  8. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Went to my writing group. Wasn't one of my best appearances. I was very quiet. Felt awkward. We had an author visit. I found them extremely boring and kinda self-centered, and they kept mentioning their work in a specific area; my ex's home town, which of course triggered me; lead to flashbacks and flinching and wanting to hurt self and all sorts of bad thoughts I don't want in my head. And then the next two proposed sessions for the group sound rubbish also; looking to be a 'fantasy for beginners' (I've been at the group for almost 4 years now), and a session about flashfiction (which I already hosted one for only 5 months ago). So not a great night. But at least I managed to get myself out for it I guess. And it was a better option than going to my friend's house to watch football. Last time I did that I ended up in a worse state. When I got back home tonight I made some noodles and bacon, followed up by a bag of chocolates, and watched HighSchool Of The Dead. An anime which I've found surprisingly good and has cheered me up a bit. Even if there is still a trove of nasty feelings stirring underneath.
  9. ParaDoxiPaladin
    When I first catch wind that Father's Day is round the corner, so begins a building state of complex emotions.  Father's Day has always been pretty odd for me. My dad was an alcoholic so my granddad was more of a father to me. About 7 or 8 years ago now my dad died of cancer, followed by my granddad passing of pneumonia only 3 months afterward. It was 2 years before my dad succumbed to the cancer, whilst my granddad suddenly died in the night, much to the shock of everyone as he hadn't told anyone he had pneumonia. It's odd that I don't tend to think of my granddad that much now yet I think about my dad very frequently. You see, I feel closure with the former as there wasn't really any bad blood between us. My dad on the other hand is nothing but a huge ocean liner of confused feelings. On the one hand I miss him, and going by the last two years of his life, we had the potential to get on. From what I know now, he clearly had mental health issues (which I've inherited) and co-dependency seemed to be apart of that, which led to the alcoholism. So I'm able to have some understanding there and wish we could now talk about things in depth. However on the flip side, when I begin to imagine him coming back or if he was simply still around with nothing having happened... I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. At his worst, I absolutely hated him. And then there's the fear of becoming just like him. Or not even becoming a father at all. Why should I deserve to be? Ugh...
    Father's Day is one of those many holidays where you go into a shop or on a social networking site and BOOM! everywhere you turn it's there. And then I feel like I owe my dad - or at least deserve to punish myself - by walking down to the crematorium. When I was with the ex I shared a meal with her step-father and that felt nice for a change. No arguments, no potential drunkeness, no rubbish thoughts over the past, it was just simple and pleasant. Too bad now that the breaking up of that relationship has turned every memory of it into a potential trigger. *sigh* And then there's my mum's boyfriend who I'm still pretty cautious of (he once threw a book at me and went for me), and the recent loss of his father whom he had mixed feelings about. So then I feel guilty that I'm still messed up over someone who went over 7 years ago. The same someone whom I miss yet simultaneously am so glad about no longer being with us. My life would be so much different if he was still here. Ugh. ******* Father's Day. I hate it.
    Anyways... if anyone happens to read this I hope you're having an okay holiday.
  10. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Since my resignation June 2015 I've been dyeing my hair. Either by bleaching the top blonde and leaving it as that or adding semi-permanent alpine green dye to it, going with the sides of normal color (brown). Today I just felt like doing something different. So I bleached all of my hair and dyed it blue; it didn't settle right at first (some of it looked green, other parts just didn't take), so I went added a second coat of bright blue whilst putting a slightly darker blue on the sides. Despite making a huge mess (ending up with a blue face and tainting my friend's bathtub blue) and taking about 4 hours, it turned out well in the end. And many folk liked and even loved it.
    That said, I couldn't help but feel vulnerable as I made the as-always unwise decision to go into town. As usual I couldn't look anyone in the eyes, and felt so awkward on the dancefloor as I don't dance (unless I go into a hyper mood or I'm bladdered but even then it'll only be brief). Mates make jokey comments about 'why did you decide to do that?', 'you look like you been bangin' smurfs', etc, all easy-ish to shrug off, to be expected. But when a mate says I'm going to get started on, and when my mum believes I only do things like dyeing unusual colors because it's going to get people having a go at me and I want that... well... that caused a negative mindset that had me analysing everything I was doing and realised how all my behaviours whilst out have always been anti-social, keeping people away. And that is never going to change. So I'm destined to never get into a relationship or make anything of myself cause even when I'm okay in mood and nice enough to people I still seem to send out negative vibes from all the chaos going on inside of me.
    Anyways... I escaped early and come home. Headache from booze (we have a blue colored cocktail, which was amusing). And it's Father's Day. I f***ing hate Father's Day. It always triggers me without fail. The build up and the day itself. I'll try and ignore it for now but might end up venting on here. For now I'm aiming to sober up, get a little happier, and brace myself for my mum's inevitable comments and the rest of the undoubtedly miserable upcoming days. Got a load of DVDs and PS3 games as well as a manga and tabletop game lately though so at least there's that I guess.
  11. ParaDoxiPaladin
    On the surface I'm able to laugh, get p***** off, and feel sad. And yet today, deep down inside, there's just a vacant sensation. Like... all of these emotions are not real. It's just the parts a puppet plays. There isn't any point in the puppet attempting to fight back against its puppeteer. I mean, yeah, there's a sense of 'frustration', from the fact that I'm barely doing anything at the minute. My days at home unemployed are completely wasted. I'm still too afraid to work. I'm too unenergetic, unmotivated, poor, and again afraid to exercise. And as much as I want to, I can't find it in me to escape. I want to do some writing, or apply for a job, or lose some weight, or just do something but I can't. I just can't. There's no point in any of it anyway. There's nothing. I'm just acting part. So I shall do exactly that for now. Quietly and subserviantly act the part no matter how much I may think it is ******* me underneath. I shall not talk to anyone about my issues. Because others have it worse. I shall not complain or ask for help. I shall just be. Until the puppeteer finally allows me not to be. Which will no doubt happen sometime in the next Millenium...
  12. ParaDoxiPaladin
    So I'm at my aunts when suddenly out of nowhere I start feeling deathly sick. Extreme sendations of guilt and fear and paranoia arise. Then I realise... I'm having a panic attack. Why? There was no trigger. The situation was that it was getting late and I thought I'd head home instead of staying over. Sure, I often get anxiety from the propspect of sleep - as I know I'll likely lie awake fir ages worrying or that I'll have terrible nightmares (which I do every single night) - but this isn't typically enough to send me over the edge. My only conclusion was medication. And sure enough I hadn't taken my pills all day.
    It's not always enough to send me into panic but it's happened before. The meds sap my concentration and drive and could do more but at least they noticeably lessen the attacks and other issues. Just wish I wasn't so damn dependent on them. I daren't ever come off them now. At least not for long periods. Last time I tried, my mood swings were so wild and uncontrollable I almost caused a car crash. At home now still trying to calm down from the attack. Feels like it's been a while since a full blown physical out-of-the-blue anxiety attack. I'm frequently getting worked up by various other sensations (flashbacks, fits of energy, etc) but not like this.
    Anyway... I suppose I should return to the bedroom. My prison... my sanctuary...
  13. ParaDoxiPaladin
    After a few days of being in a sort of 'chaotic' mood - where my mind was in turbo, flitting about between various emotions, though mostly negative - now I've recognize that I've slipped into a state of heavy anxiety. I'm still rambling and all over the place, as is common with anxiety anyway, but I'm finding talking far more difficult. Especially when talking about my health. I visited a friend last night, watched a film, and had an always-needed talk about health issues and future plans. Was a nice night as always despite feeling terribly anxious, yet I've woken up today with that old gnawing feeling in my chest telling me that I have something to feel guilty about. I've done something wrong. I need to confess, to apologise. Apparently. Well, of course this is rubbish but the feeling is so strong that it's forcing my mind to re-evaluate everything that has happened in order to pick out body language and precise dialogue as proof for my mistakes and why I deserve to feel this miserable. Yes, the mind can be an epic troll.
    Meanwhile I'm dealing with a realization that I seem to have been suffering with a condition that well has actually already been identified but I kind of ignored it until it was bought up recently. The only problem is that I'm having trouble accepting it, for odd reasons. I may make a separate post about this some other time, but that is definitely playing on my mind lately. As is the concept of stigma and what people think of me. I'm constantly thinking everyone is out to judge me and tell me off or belittle me, even when I know they would never do that. Even with my 3 closest people in my life, whom I trust and am comfortable with more than anyone else (even my own mother), I still have my mind telling me lies. It's an unceasing war that makes me want to weep and thrash out but none of that will do anything. I need to keep fighting by keeping a level head and pursuing health treatment, but naturally that's damn difficult. And today's group therapy will no doubt make me feel terrible again for how utterly useless it is, so here's hoping I can at least maintain a reasonable state of mind afterwards.
  14. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Past few days I've been both very lethargic and very irritable. Today I'm feeling particularly anti-social. Yet whenever that happens I also wish there was someone next to me to cuddle.
    Anyways, as my mum and boyfriend are home and I've been invited to watch the Euros football at my friends, I'm on my way out. Probably a bad idea. For one I find football very boring. Once I get bored in a small space with many people then I can get extremely anxious. So I'll take my 3DS to keep boredom away. And I'm taking a bottle of alcohol.
    So... yeah. I can imagine some of my less supportive friends really winding me up. Got nothing better to do though so here goes. It's certainly better than town.
  15. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Drunk again. I don't even drink that much before I'm p*****. But one drink usually leads to a binge until I'm emotional. Thus for a while I stopped drinking altogether but lately I've been drink8ng pretty frequently. At least one pint every other day. Which doesn't sound like much but... for me it's worrying.
    You see my dad was an alcoholic. And only in recent years have I realised that he himself had depression and/or worse. And my mum has recently confirmed that my dad nor she really believed in mental health diagnosis. So that explains a lot with me being told not to bother talking to the doctor or telling anyone about anything when I first plead for help when I was about 13.
    Now I'm all sorts of messed up, finding myself downing alcohol to numb that lurking sorrow. Hoping that tonight I won't have terrible nightmares and tomorrow I won't be beset by flashbacks, random mood swings, zero concentration, or a need to hurt myself. I would include the constant suicidal thoughts in there but they're never going to leave.
    I only hope this binge doesn't continue to get stronger and become just like my damn father. It's one of my biggest worries though thankfully so far something seems to be stopping me, even if it means my co-dependency still causes me to smoke. In my opinion, lung cancer is a better sacrifice than being a raging booze-hound.
    Anyways... I feel sick. Time for bed. If only it stops spinning.
  16. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Been a lot on my mind lately but I'm putting it aside - as best I can - for the joy that came with completing Uncharted 4 tonight with one of my best friends.
    For me it may have a couple of obvious flaws - I do think the climax could have been bigger or there could have even wilder set pieces - but as it stands it's an easy 9 out of 10.
    As a fan of the 3rd one for its added focus on storytelling over the others I think the 4th just overtakes that spot now. 3 had more bombast but the character focused storytelling in 4 just reached through to me in a way a game hasn't done in a while. I've come to truly love the cast who all feel so realistic and relatable with their multiple layers and complex relationships despite being apart of an otherwise pretty OTT world. And Nathan Drake himself has now broke through into my list of favourite gaming characters.
    I won't go any further for fear of spoilers but the whole experience was a great adventure both as a thrillride and an exploration of the human hero. It also serves as a reminder of how media can really leave an impact on someone.
  17. ParaDoxiPaladin
    I want to scream f**k you all at the top of my lungs but thats not gonna happen. The auto lock is on keeping me from doing silly things even I'm in this mood.
    Second group therapy session I kept quiet again and mostly avoided eye contact. But it wasnt so much panic fear and sadness as it was more frustration anger pity and boredom. All this cbt stuff is so useless. But i cant be botheres to fight it.
    One woman tried to fight against it saying she had already done cbt with the same therapist i had done and didnt find it helpful. The group sees her as more experienced because i failed to mention my knowledge of it before. But i shouldnt care about what people think of me when Im here to get better anyway. Its just frustrating. I need to open up to get help but I just can't.
    I did speak up to try and help with a projector but failed to sort it and felt silly. Showing off again huh Para? Ugh no Doxi leave me alone. Whatevs.
    I'm very much thinking about cancelling this group but then these folks will say I didn't try. So I'll keep forcing myself for now I guess. And I'll see how long this hyper mood lasts. It's certainly calmed down since last night. I've learnt to auto-lock it so I only tend to show it by myself or those closest to me. That excludes my immediate family as they just argue for me being silly and childish. Getting sick to death with people who don't understand mental illness and just make me feel worse. Anyways... laters!
  18. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Still feel a mix of emotions from last night (mostly embarrassment from my overreaction) but a bit better after some sleep. Me and one of my best mates often do co-op runs of games and pay halves for new ones. Our latest: Uncharted 4 which we've just started. Seems good! Fighting back that tightrope 'rush rush rush' feeling but should be alright.
  19. ParaDoxiPaladin
    I think I need to go back to the counsellors. Not being able to talk to anyone is really getting to me. I can barely even manage it with my closest friends and family let alone anonymously on the internet. My mind is a jangled mess from being triggered by just receiving and replying to a message. Not even sure why. Maybe as it was a reminder of my feelings of being alone. Despite the fact I was with a friend in person at the time. It's sent me into a sad and anxious state anyway. And I'm just sick of my brain, sick of myself, and sick of that gnawing feeling that tells me everyone is sick of me. Even in writing this blog I feel people will hate me for it. Such stupid feelings from a stupid person, stupidly fighting a stupid war that's destined for an inevitably stupid outcome. Ugh.
  20. ParaDoxiPaladin
    It's been one of those nights. Meeting up with one of my closest friends. So close we consider each other family. But with whom I tend to end up drinking alcohol. I have a weakness to booze as it is as it definitely brings out my most emotional side. And then, as inherited by my alcoholic father, I have plenty of co-dependency issues.  My addictions as they are I can cope with, for example cigarettes. This is certainly better than drugs (I've dabbled in the past but made a promise to stop and have stuck by it since) and booze (which is very easy to slip into).
    I now feel sick. And sad. And my arm stings from being silly to myself again. I just feel so damn emotional. So friggin lonely. And lost. And without cause or purpose. Without hope. After a terrible experience with the unemployment office today. And knowing I've got a home visit health assessment tomorrow. Everything is just so far gone. I'm too stuck in my ways (cowardice and logic) to do anything drastic yet all I want is an escape. To restart over again. I just... God D***it... and then when I do get a shoulder to cry on I can't unless I'm stupidly drunk because I'm too embarrassed to show my emotions. I've done it before and they just left me, and my family shuns me or has even suddenly hit me for it so what's the frickin point. Anyway...
  21. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Forgive me if this is all over the place. I'm not sure I'll even complete this fully due to my near zero focus.
    I've been getting so frustrated with things lately that I've decided to do a mood diary on Excel for the past few weeks. It's all due to my strong signs that this may be more than anxiety and depression. As therapists, doctors, occupational health clinics, and friends with these issues too have all said themselves, I seem to be high likely to have either ADHD or Bipolar or both. Yet my psychologist won't do a test. So I'm doing this mood diary for now.
    And since yesterday my current mood is 'chaotic'. Sort of like my 'hyper' and 'super-hyper' moods (which are pretty much like bouts of mania), only with chaotic mood there is no high, only very brief neutral moments.
    Basically my mood is constantly flipflopping between okay to a negative one, be it fear or regret or sadness or confusion or guilt or anger or whatever. My speech and thoughts are in turbo whilst everything else feels slow yet once I focus on everything around me I realise the day has gone. Only, I can barely focus like at all. Unless I just envelope myself in stream of consciousness and impulsive actions instead of actually planning what I say or do. And that constantly makes me self conscious of myself and paranoid what ithers think and very apologetic and ashamed. That is, before I go happy again. It is perhaps my most 'bipolar' mood as it is where I am most noticeably shifting emotions so rapidly.
    This mood may not be the worst Ive experienced. No, that would be what I call 'insanity sadness' which broke me back into depression after being stable for near 3 years; where I couldn't move or talk and my own voice in my head kept repeating negative phrases over and over for almost a month before I surrended and went to the doctors. Anyways... it's not the worst but chaotic is still one of the worst, as it can cause me to do impulsive things but instantly regret them and get confused and ugh so on.
  22. ParaDoxiPaladin
    I was in a fairly good mood, hyper still. Until I host the film group. Overall it went well I enjoyed the films and the first was stated to be two peoples' favourites so far. But beforevI could show the films several of my friends demanded to rewatch a short film we already watched twice last time. So I gave in and let it be shown. Then afterwards - right now - they've put it on again. That's four times watching the same 30 minute film within 3 weeks. Two showings almost back to back per night.
    Call me freakin mental but I can't cope with that. Ive currently hidden myself in the bedroom of my own house whilst they watch it loud downstairs. I've said nicely time and again not to watch it but they do it anyway. This shows to me that I hold no respect. Even when all of them know my health issues. Now I just want to go downstairs and shout at them to turn it off. So Im hiding upstairs for half an hour so I dont fall out with them. This is pathetic. It's completely flipping my mood and ruining an otherwise good night. But Im clearly just selfish and bizarre since everyone else is fine with it.
    I've just taken my pills but my heart is still racing. I feel sick and ill. I want to cry. I want them gone yet I dont cause I like my friends generally and Im so lonely otherwise. Ugh. Such a mood flip all because of something so trivial. Anyway...
  23. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Think of this diary as a way of my trying to keep a check on my mood. From speaking with therapists and a friend of mine with Bipolar, it seems like I may have signs of Bipolar myself. However I often find diagnosis quite overwhelming simply because my depression does tend to be the more prominent feature. So I tend to forget the rest. But like right now I do randomly get into small periods of highs, some greater than others where it feels like walking on a tightrope. Other 'episodes' still see me going completely crazy and, if I don't control myself, I'd happily scream out at the top of my lungs and throw things at a wall or wrestle someone, even if that someone isn't necessarily someone I know well. However usually after these big highs I do tend to get unbelievably down afterwards feeling guilty over behaving like that and getting self-conscious over what people think and so on. From my knowledge this doesn't tend to be over periods of weeks, however like I said I don't take note of when they happen and this behaviour is so naturalised (this guy just being crazy again) that I just take it as me being 'hyper' and that's it. As I've mentioned in a previous blog my strongest signs seem to be toward ADHD due to concentration issues and impulsive actions etc. However a lot of those signs can also be seen in Bipolar.
    Basically, I'm a mess! But I feel like I deserve the right to know exactly what's going on with me. And it certainly isn't just 'anxiety and depression'. And I feel like I'm being all attention-deserving and such by trying to say that but f**k it, no I deserve it. And at this point I would usually delete everything I've just written because I know it's a load of sh** and just me waffling nonsense. But like I said, I'm going to keep going and keep it here so I can keep tracking of these bizarre mood swings of mine. Now it's 1:55am. I thought I already stated the time but I didnt. So it's 5 to 2am. And I'm so awake now. Completely different to earlier when I felt so ridiculously sad it was unreal. But after doing some research on mental health stuff I returned to the forums, wrote a response to someone and BOOM it made me laugh and I realised I'm feeling pretty blah. Blah as in wanting to talk really fast I guess. I dunno. Anyway. If anyone's actually read this, you deserve a medal. Made of chocolate. Thanks! *phew*
  24. ParaDoxiPaladin
    Officially I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety about 3 years ago. I first noticed signs at 13 but didn't chase it up as my mother advised me not to bother. After going through counselling and therapy I've realised that throughout my life there have been signs of other possible illnesses such as Bipolar and Aspergers, even if only mild. However the strongest signs have been for ADHD, where most therapists seem to be agree that I may have some form of it.
    Since I was a young child I have always had great difficulty concentrating on various tasks but particularly on things I found 'boring', thus school was very difficult. Instead of studying I would end up impulsively throwing a pencil case at a window or yelling out cat noises or something stupid like that to get attention and alleviate my boredom. Or, as things went on, I would simply doodle or write up rules for some game or secretly play on my Game Boy. I was almost expelled due to such impulsive and reckless decisions. Even in University however this continued as I ended up crying profusely as I just... couldn't... focus. No matter how hard I tried or even if I enjoyed the novel I was given, I often had to get my mother to read it out aloud. And if I noticed that I hadn't been paying attention I would get her to summarise.
    It's just as bad if not worse nowadays. I resigned from my previous job partly because I just couldn't focus and ended up distracting the other employees by talking too much. I don't tend to do reckless behaviours as much but the inclination is always there gnawing away. People often remember me for being wild and crazy but if I do give in to that then I end up risking going too far and offending or hurting someone or embarrassing myself and feeling guilty. I find making people aware of my issues has helped alot ('I can't focus so sorry if I'm a bit fidgety and hyper') but still it bugs the hell out of me that doctors and psychologists seem to refuse to diagnose me. They retort that I shouldn't need a diagnosis, what good will it do? WELL A LOT OF GOOD ACTUALLY. Peace of mind for one, opening the way to more specific treatments for another. They say that adults don't tend to get diagnosed. Well, I hate the fact that my parents seem to be so against the diagnosis of mental illnesses, especially when I realise now that my alcoholic father was clearly suffering from a lot himself.
    It stops me from following my dreams of being a writer or artist but it seems to help with data sponging from my favorite series and such. So that's something at least. If anyone knows whether or not adults get diagnoses please get in touch.
  25. ParaDoxiPaladin
    After a difficult weekend I was nervous about going to my writing group tonight, something made even tougher by the fact that the last session was about a month ago due to a bank holiday. Well I'm glad I went as it certainly help bring me out my shell. I found myself getting quite into hearing other peoples' short stories and novel excerpts and offering feedback. There were some really good pieces by some very talented writers. By the end of the session a member asked for advice on how to deliver exposition without having a character sound patronising or being so heavy-handed in narration that it patronises the reader. This relates to a topic other members including myself had bought up previously: how to carefully relay certain information via inference and exposition; how does one identify the right levels for balance and context? Well, when the group was asked for a volunteer to host the session, I agreed. It's been a while since I last hosted a session, and it can be stressful when I don't focus and leave it to the last minute, but hopefully I can manage it correctly this time round and be on top form with this one. It would definitely provide an always-needed confidence boost.
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