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Everything posted by ParaDoxiPaladin

  1. No problem thanks and all the best to you too
  2. I've been sorting out past emails and of course I start to find many from my ex girlfriend, including a poem from her. It's... a bit difficult. I'm keeping myself distracted with youtube vids in the background and trying to focus on getting things done but when I think about how I was actually loved back then, it reminds me of how lonely I feel now and how hopeless it seems to think I might get into a relationship again in the future. I'll try to remain somewhat positive and grounded in the present.
  3. Ah I don't have SAD. I have anxiety, depression (both 'severe'), ptsd, ocd, and bpd, and consider myself 'borderline autistic' as I was just two marks from aspergers when tested. I have a few friends with SAD and in all cases there are other issues too (one of them also has dyspraxia). Apologies for any confusion - I didn't drop out of school - I was 25 and working and had to quit since things were too much at the time. Since then I have been working on getting back on track. I'll be 30 later this year. But thank you I do try to remind myself of how far I've come. Just as everyone here should try their best to focus on the positives whenever they can, no matter how minor they may be and how impossible that can so often seem.
  4. Unfortunately these kinds of issues may well stay with you all your life. It may seem like you have learnt all you can but I do hope you continue with therapy and professional help as one day something may be revealed to you that makes a big difference. Things seemed utterly hopeless for me until I - after a very long process - ended up with a personal nurse who eventually gave me a string of diagnoses including OCD and BPD. These filled a lot of gaps and showed how I could better deal with situations. He also showed me some types of CBT I hadn't used before that actually worked a little. I can definitely relate with the negative thoughts about yourself and the body confidence. I was once 6 stone heavier than I used to be, but even after I lost weight have still been very critical of my appearance. In recent years however this has died down somewhat as I've taken control of how I appear in other ways (body mods mainly). I still get many stray thoughts of 'I'm a fat b*stard' or even occasionally drop into big episodes over how undesirable I feel every now and then. But for the most part I don't think about it as much. In time I hope you find a way to overcome those obstacles and reshape your thinking. I'm sorry I can't offer any more concrete advice but I wish you all the best.
  5. As a slight echo to the comments of Lonelyforeigner and MayzeeDog0518, I would say that he is simply being honest with you in that message and any vagueness that may be read into it is simply because he is trying not to sound too pushy, leaving it up to if you want to keep in touch. Try not to blame yourself for the outcome of this relationship or dwell on 'what could have been'. At the very least, drop him a text and if he doesn't respond then try to move on. If he does then by all means keep in touch with him as friends. It sounds like the biggest factor here is a lacking sense of closure. I'm trying to ready myself for online dating again this year since it's now 3 years since I was last in a relationship and I've regained a lot of stability compared to back then. I go online dating because I generally find the situation a lot easier to read rather than befriending someone then wondering if they're interested in a relationship or not. There was once a lady who I really got on with and really liked and spoke to on skype. Then as time went on she disappeared for long periods of time then kept being vague with her messages. She told me that a lot of guys had been sending her explicit messages so she was leaving the site but she gave me her number. She never responded through that number after that. Of course my mind considered all possibilities at the time but really you can only take their word for it and everything else simply leave to rest; she had been harassed and it put her off communications with people at the time. Anyway I hope these comments help make things seem clearer and show that you're not alone in finding yourself in these kinds of situations. I wish you all the best.
  6. Really sorry to hear about this. Has this kind of thing happened before? Have you had any professional help or diagnosis? These behaviours linked into relationships and being unable to control emotions and feeling 'empty' sounds very familiar to me. I'll refrain from bringing in terms at this point but my advice would be to try and balance your relationships rather than solely focus on the one that is currently absent. I completely understand that is no small feat and the whole emptiness and feeling like faking things... I find - sometimes at least - that I do that subconsciously in order to protect myself / others from exploding from the emotions bubbling under the surface. You may actually be feeling like you want to yell at your family or break down crying (and maybe you even have) so when it comes to 'acting normal' you can only do so by wearing a mask. [my chest tattoo 'and this is not my face, and this is not my life' echoes this]. Of course this may not be how you feel but that's what I can go through at times and your situation reminds me of it. Try to take things one step at a time for now but you may find talking about it to people very helpful in the long run.
  7. Since being diagnosed with BPD it's helped me to step back and attempt to look at my thought processes objectively. It still means that I'll struggle with relationships, a firm grasp on reality (I have 'moments' and 'sensory episodes'), and other things that come with the condition. Recently my transition from Textiles to Graphics has been very difficult to deal with due to attachment/abandonment issues though I ultimately dealt with it by explaining the full situation honestly to my tutor who worked with me to form a plan to manage it. However what I'm here to talk about today is my ongoing battle for a sense of identity. If it weren't bad enough that my mind still misinterprets things and constantly tells me 'I'm a piece of ' and 'I'm evil' and so on, then even outside of that I'm apparently 'nothing'. And yet... in recent years I've managed to step in a direction I've wanted to since teenage years. As of today I now have three tattoos (chest, upper arm, and forearm; brought in that order) and three piercings (my ears, and - done yesterday - my septum). I have a long custom made leather coat I order off ebay (cost about £180), a pair of lifetime docs, two sets of leather fingerless gloves (one pair with studs, one without), and a black beanie hat. The chest tattoo is custom designed based on my favorite band Nine Inch Nails, the upper arm tat is a Paladin's shield from the game series Etrian Odyssey, and the forearm tattoo is Kei Kurono from manga series Gantz, to be coloured in June. Currently I also have my hair dyed blue though after getting a haircut there's only a bit of blue left on top whilst the sides are my natural brown tone. Why is this so important? Well with the way my mind works I could just say it's my BPD, my borderline Aspergers, my OCD, or whatever. But in general terms it's important; every little thing means something to me; I cling to it all dearly to show myself and others that I have an identity. Many of my t-shirts have game or anime or just weird designs on them. I want more gothic stuff but I'm pretty picky as I prefer a bit more colour than just 'everything is black' hence why I dub myself an 'alternative geek'. That's the best acceptance I've acquired in my life for a sense of custom-built identity. My interests really do vary on a wide palette and change round routinely over time and yet I know what I like and know what I don't like. It's goes similar for my beliefs; I didn't used to think I had any personal beliefs and yet in recent years I've realised I actually hold quite a few, I'm just not throwing them in people's faces unless they're being attacked. One such belief is that people should have equal rights and not be bullied especially when it comes to vulnerable people, and I'm finding myself have more courage to stand up to others and say in my own way 'oi don't do that'. There's been quite a few incidents where I've had to stand up for others recently and whilst confrontation of any kind always causes me to have a breakdown afterwards it's nice to be able to say that within the moment I did actually stand up and defend someone, in turn defending my own beliefs and - to a lesser extent - highlighting to others and myself what kind of person I want to be and work to be. Now that summer's coming round the corner I've found myself stripped of my long coat, gloves, and docs and once again losing some of my identity. Though I've already been thinking of how I can amend that by filling the void with jewellery such as bracelets, chains, rings, and more piercings. Yes when I put it like that it sounds like it's some kind of desperate addiction but rest assured I'm being careful. I've had education on addiction before (I do have some; my biggest being self-harm, which I have generally managed to get under control for now, despite a few slips) and for my purchases I'm making sure to budget albeit loosely (and again it's good to know many BPDers can experience reckless spending apparently). I'm currently saving £100 for the rest of my forearm colour deposit in June. After that I might end up getting more piercings yes and in the future more tattoos too but again I'll be careful. Might be moving out, learning to drive, and hopefully going on numerous training courses later this year so might as well treat myself a little whilst I can. To anyone else it might sound silly (my mum especially gives me nothing but grief about it) but to me these kinds of purchases are very important for many reasons such as the identity situation and even the pain of it (the forearm tattoo especially was a Biotch on my wrist and elbow crease) which is somewhat therapeutic. I realise now that I'm rambling hugely so I've put the cap on my head after it's vomited onto this screen and let you all read. Finding myself super busy with everything lately but as I said before I'll try to at least keep people updated with these blogs. I hope everyone else is doing okay.
  8. Thanks for the comment and supportive words! I hope you are doing okay yourself. I'll try to pop by the site every now and then
  9. It's been two years since my last blog here. Not sure if I'll be sticking around for long this time but just thought I'd check out the site and leave an update in case anyone's interested. In a previous blog entry I was discussing how I was getting fed up of group therapy. Well since then I have gone into one-to-one therapy and acquired several new diagnosis. Following this I transferred onto a psychotherapist and since September 2017 I have been at a private college that helps vulnerable adults. I have passed MVQ courses for Level 1 and 2 in Fashion & Textiles. Soon I will be moving onto Graphics though I am finding it difficult to move to a different department due to the relationships I formed in the prior course. I now also have a work coach who is assigned specifically to those with mental health disability. Future goals are now to work towards a career in being a Creative Writing & Media Studies tutor for vulnerable adults. I'm currently volunteering to run a minor Writing group on Fridays for a few of the students at my college. Despite only a few attendees I am finding it useful to practise my techniques, form a new portfolio of sessions, and find what people really enjoy. I now also host and organise another local writing group that I've been attending for several years. I ended up volunteering at the college simply because I was trying to draft some fellow students to the local group but they were put off by being around strangers; and somehow it's now seemingly leading to a career. For those interested my current diagnoses are as follows: Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, OCD, and BPD (/EUPD). I consider myself having 'borderline Aspergers' as I was tested for Autism and was only two marks away. Dyslexia also seems likely though I have yet to be tested due to its expenses. I have come to realise since that Aspergers and Dyslexia symptoms could be part of the BPD and other things. It's all pretty blurry but hey I'm constantly learning more about myself, understanding myself, and with the help of medical professionals and the tutors and students at my college I am coming to forgive myself for my issues and know how to deal with issues better. I hope anyone reading this is doing okay and is able to look back on things and accept that they have made some progress over the years, no matter how difficult that may be to see at times. ~ Cheerio
  10. 'Final Dream' - Toto (part of the Dune Soundtrack)
  11. The original? I've only seen the Matthew Broderick one. The only movie I've seen since Samurai Cop was Batman Forever which is one of my go-to background films I can enjoy again and again. There's certainly films I think higher of but BF is fun and easy-going.
  12. You too eh? I can sometimes nudge myself back into an 'ok' routine using schedules and sleep hygiene tips. But it doesn't last long before my nightmares get worse and I become terrified to sleep again. Having my lava lamp on at night helps quite a bit. It's warm glow is comforting and watching the contents gloop can often distract me from nastier thoughts.
  13. Thanks folks I appreciate the comments :) my therapist is someone who led a bunch of the group therapy courses, which has helped me get more comfortable in speaking to him. Though again it's still difficult and some issues in particular never get easier to talk about. So I'm worried about getting round to that, just as I'm worried that this will once again result in a complete waste of time. But I'm trying to remain positive even if that optimism only remains as a tiny microscopic spec of hope.
  14. My bed-times and wake times have been getting later and later again recently. Currently it's once again 5am. Hopefully I won't get up at 2pm again as I'm supposed to meet someone -_- So yeah got up at 2 today, lethargic most of the day, and only got 15 minutes of writing done. But I guess, at least I managed to get some done. And beside that, I've tidied the house and washed the pots, and went for a walk. So it could've been worse I guess.
  15. I feel like I'm three colors side-by-side today: blue, red, and orange.
  16. 'Samurai Cop' - A 1991 satire of the buddy-cop action genre of the 80s; certainly one of the earliest I've seen that does that. For the most part it's self-aware, otherwise it's just plain 'bad', but overall it was great entertainment.
  17. After seemingly years of self-criticism, fear, and so on, I've finally begun to upload some of my fiction to Wattpad. It probably won't get many views but I need to ignore that and just keep going.
  18. Haven't been on the site for a fortnight or so I think. I would say I've had stuff going on but really it's just been another example of my virtually non-existent concentration and potential to quickly move from one thing to another. I kept thinking about the site but then got sidetracked by something. I've been trying to get back into writing. Did 6 hours of work yesterday (somehow). But only 15 minutes today and I fear this low may stick for tomorrow and the day after as its one of my best friends' birthday Sunday so we've been celebrating. And today I've had like 5 pints and I feel a bit bleurgh. I only hope I can get back on writing soon and start getting stuff uploaded. Also, I started the first session of my one-to-one therapy course yesterday. It was tough (naturally), having to give an outline on everything but its already giving me a tiny glimmer of hope. Something that has instantly made be panic because no way should I have any semblance of hope, I don't deserve it, nothing can get better, I always have and always will 100% hate myself, yada-yada... Similar to how my mother's offered to pay for me going on holiday with a mate if I care to arrange it but I don't feel like I deserve it at all and only feel guilty about it. There's also the fact that I'm very limited in where I go and who with due to my issues. I was invited on a 'lads' holiday to a popular seaside place. Nope. Can't do it. I'd prefer just myself and one friend at a fairly quiet town really. Anyways, I hope everyone on here is doing as okay as they can be. I need to try to get back into a routine of visiting this site, but at least I've been bit more active, bit more social, and bit more productive lately. I'll avoid jinxing it and overthinking it. Best to just finally achieve a goal I set forth and actually get some writing uploaded and see how this therapy goes. And not push myself over this weekend. I'm worried I'll end up going out into town Saturday and drink too much and feel absolutely awful but I'll try to maintain some control. Anyways...
  19. Yeah you're right. I just need to try to accept that and keep nudging myself.
  20. Sorry to hear you weren't a fan. Though I'm aware I'm one of the very few people who loved it. To me, this was more of a faithful portrayal of the DC Universe than any film before it. I'm one of the biggest fans of DC Comics around, particularly of Batman (Batman the Animated Series is perhaps my second favorite TV series of all time). The tone of the film and the amount of info packed into it simply felt like one of the recent animated films or pretty much anything from the Dark Ages comics or since then. For better or worse, that's how the DC stories have usually been. At least to me anyway. I completely accept the criticisms thrown against the film, though I can defend every one of them.
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