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Drex

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  1. First off I'm a male age 26.5. I am an engineer with 4 degrees one being a master's. This is all I have going for me, so now let me get to my issue. I hate my life. I hate my body. I use to be overweight and now I am very muscular but my body is covered in stretch marks and I have a slight case of gynecomastia in both sides of my chest. I have lost most of the hair on the top of my head. I have genetil warts from who knows where, because I have never had a partner I know of that has had them and it makes me self concious to even get into a relationship with anyone. I have no friends. I'm not over exaggerating. I have zero friends left in my life. I have parents who are divorced and other family that I do not talk to or see ever. They seem to only want to catch up rarely but never actually be a part of my life. My mother has severe mental health issues but is doing fine now with a strong group of friends and a strong girlfriend (she is a homosexual now). My father is always there for me doing anything and everything for me including throwing lots of money at me to get me by and pay my bills as well as feed me when I have been in school or in this case unemployed. No on will hire me for part time temporary work when I can't give them a time frame (more on this below). I completely feel like a burden to my father everyday since the age of 14. I can barely take care of myself. I had a girlfriend I was in love with for three years. While I was in grad school, she consistently cheated on me and now she is gone. I have no job, as I am waiting a security clearance that I don't believe I will get because of my depression and history of drug use (I do not use drugs anymore and I was not addicted to anything). I have no other job prospects and this waiting time will be over the next 6-8 months, which I assume will end in a rejection, leaving me with not even a backup after waiting a year. I have suffered with depression my entire life. I have spent a lot of time on the couch or in bed. I wake up, go to the gym, go home, lay in bed, go back to sleep. I can't find a purpose. I have tried things like helping others, but I cannot help people if I cannot help myself. I have attempted suicide before in the past only to never work. I'm on that verge once again, being older and wiser, won't fail if I take that step forward. Since the age of 14, my life has gotten worse and worse no matter what I have done. Meds aren't helping and no one else seems to be able to help me. I pray a lot. Mainly when I'm hurting, which is several times a day. I break down crying several times a day. I suffer nonstop and it hasn't let up whatsoever. Suicide is pretty much on my thoughts daily no matter what. I think of the ways to do it. I research ways and devise plans as to make it as painless and leave a corpse that would allow an open casket. God doesn't answer me. He doesn't help me. 12 years of nothing. Now my question. What is the point of living like this any longer?
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