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About hocking

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  1. Hello to everyone in the forum. Very nice to "potentially" meet everyone. I look forward to reading many people's posts and while I probably wont contribute much, years of therapy cant help but creep out every once in a while. However, I am no ones judge, jury or anything. I myself am too much of a mess to cast anything other than support on anyone here. Just want to be a part of a community that understands where I am and even though it is online and not in person, it seems to help. Thank you for all of the dedicated members and thank you for those who run the site.
  2. This is a tough one. I love my wife. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, or at least... I have been living with depression for my whole life, realizing it the last 20 years and in therapy for the last 10. My wife and I met 10 years ago. Right after the loss of a very important person in my life. She was perfect. She was exactly what I wanted. Peace, quiet, home-body, extreme introvert. My depressed self thought this was FANTASTIC. Not to mention as a person, she is beautiful internally and i find her stunning. She had recently become single and I was her first relationship. We were married less than 2 years later and I had my first "breakdown" less than 6 mos after that. She has lived with me through my entire struggle. I feel very guilty for what I have put her through. No question of that. However, I am now at a serious cross roads in my life. My depression is seriously impacted by a lack of "living" and as long as I am going at 100 mph (literally and mentally) I start to suppress my depression and begin to really feel better. I also have way too many anchors in my life. I have begun selling almost everything I have. Some days more is on the "block" than others, but i have a solid plan to reduce my material footprint. I continue to sell and sell. At this point, the "known plan" is to sell everything and start new together. However, I am not sure this is going to work out. The "screw it plan" does not have her joining me. I can see myself simply rolling out and ending up where ever that happens to be. I have a serious need to just start over, and she is becoming one of those anchors.... I want no anchors. No ties. No BS. Just me and myself for around 12 mos with no plans on coming back. I can financially support this, so it is only my wife that is keeping me here. I have long since expected her to realize that I am her "rebound" and just move on. However, she is a devoted wife and claims to love the ground I walk on. I still expect her to leave and have given her an "open door" policy to leave whenever she determines she has had enough. This statement upsets her, but it is true. Not sure what I am asking or dumping here, but I just wanted to get some thoughts about this and see if anyone has anything to add. I am in therapy and my wife is well aware of all of this. I continue to tell her that I am not leaving, but she knows that the desire is there... I think it is causing us to grow apart and probably going to be a self fulfilling prophecy but who knows.... thanks, Hock
  3. Am excited that I found this forum. Really happy!!! I have been struggling with depression for most of my life, but have recently reach a "mid life adjustment", not crisis. Am facing this all head on and even though my little friend tries to peak his ugly little head in every day... I just fight through it. Dont win every battle, but I am not losing the war. Spent my life living with my flight instinct in full effect until it almost killed me one night when I was by myself. Have now dedicated my life to doing everything that makes me afraid. Fear is going to be my new _______ !!! Favorite quote or more like life mission from now on: Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die. The paradox is the whole principle of courage; even of quite earthly or quite brutal courage. A man cut off by the sea may save his life if he will risk it on the precipice. He can only get away from death by continually stepping within an inch of it. A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely cling to living, for then he will be a coward and will not escape. He must not merely wait for death for then he will be a suicide, and not escape. He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water yet drink death like alcohol. - G.K. Chesterton I am sure we have plenty to talk about. My personal life is falling apart, but my mental state is beginning to get in shape, or at least it seems to be! More to come, try to keep it all as positive as possible and thank you so much to the creators, admins, supporters and sponsors of this site. Hock
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