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BPDGirl

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Everything posted by BPDGirl

  1. Wondering if anyone plays WoW or LoL? :)

  2. Sorry for the outburst. Sometimes it's like a storm inside my mind and i can't think straight. The waters are relatively calm right now. But it's scary how low i can get in a short space of time. To answer the question about therapies, i have tried to get some help, more than once. I was told that because of what i have, there isn't much that can be done for me. I was told that i should use self help sites and other things. I feel this is wrong and unfair. I'm rather low-functioning with my BPD... Coping alone without structure is quite hard. But saying that, i find it hard to get into a structured routine since i sleep when i feel the need... I literally can't get out of bed if my brain says no :/ As for diet and things. Well, i'm overweight and have been since i can remember. I try to remedy this with cutting out carbs, but then i find i'm starving all the time. I was doing pretty well, not eating too many carbs, and i felt like it was making my IBS a little better, not so much farting all the damn time! But i was so hungry, and you never go shopping on an empty stomach... i bought so many carbs! Sandwiches, oat bars, pizzas, burgers with buns! I'm terrible. I wish i had someone to do it with, i think it would be easier to keep going. Maybe i'll ask my boyfriend if he ever moves in to go low carb with me? It's just, finding things to eat is pretty lame. There's only so many ways to eat eggs and chicken... and i don't like fish at all. Plus, depression means i'm lazy as they come, i prefer quick food... and 0 carb quick food is almost none existent! Or it leaves you feeling like you haven't even eaten! Argh! Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate it, i really do. If anyone wants to chat sometime, i'm always a message away. watalife message me if you want, maybe we can be friends and bumble along in this silly life together. David i would be honoured to be your friend sir, thank you :) Sorry to hear about your dad Girly. What is it with dads being crap last generation huh? I've met so many people who either don't know, don't like, or are hated and mistreated by their father :(
  3. ***POTENTIAL TRIGGER*** After saying hello and getting welcomed, i decided that since i was back on my laptop i would write out my background, the journey to how i became what i am. I got nothing back. No sympathy. No support. No one chipping in that they also had similar or knew someone with the same problems. Nothing. Zilch. I often ask myself, am i cursed? Do i really do something so wrong? Every day i wake up and i know the only reason i'm still here is because i'm too chicken to really end my life. But every single day i live in the knowledge that i am nothing. No one has ever truly loved me. No one ever will. Ever man i meet leaves me. The recent one for instance, he's going to leave me because i want affection and validation, and he just isn't passionate, he prefers to be 'comfortable'. He came to stay a whole month. We had sex three times the first week, then he never felt like it again. He says he never gets horny, but i know deep down it's me. Because i'm disgusting. Even if we get along, that doesn't change the way i look. I'm hideous, so overweight. I just desperately want to be loved. Doesn't everyone deserve at least that? Even my family doesn't love me. My mum had a large tumour removed recently and i chose no to go see her, when i should of, because she spoke to me like crap down the phone and made me cry for hours. She's always undermined me and treated me like trash because i didn't turn out how she wanted. My dad has always hated me, and to this day, i still have no answer to why. The others don't have time for me. I have no friends. I have people i know. People i used to hang with now and then, or drink with. But i don't have anyone here to support me since i moved towns, but then again i never did even in my hometown. No one wants to be around me. I have no way to even make new friends either. I'm so alone. Why am i still here? Why won't anyone validate my existence? I suppose i'll just be called an attention seeker, but you know what, yes, i want some attention. I want to be noticed! I want people to talk to me, to make me feel like i'm not so alone. I want a connection for once in my life that remains strong and true... But who would want to talk to a piece of crap like me. Just feed me some crap about suicide hotlines or something. I'm not worth actual time... Peace.
  4. I finally logged on at the laptop. So now i'll try and explain a bit about how my life has gone, and why i ended up how i am and where i am. I was born to a mother who got pregnant at 15, just a kid. She herself has had a pretty rough life. I don't know much, only small things she's told me. Her mother being raped in front of her, being beat up by her dad, being thrown into a van and raped, her own brother raping her, etc. I don't blame her for the way she turned out. When i was six she started illegal drug. I once asked why, she said; "I had been dumped by my boyfriend and couldn't sleep at night. My friend told me illegal drug would help me sleep". Needless to say, she became and addict. I remember very little from my younger years. Small things. Waking up in the night one time and walking into the hallway to find my mum and her boyfriend with a knife to her throat at the top of the stairs. The same boyfriend barring the door the next day when we went back after staying with friends. He was hiding in my playroom and when i saw him behind the door he put a finger to his lips for me to be quiet. Walking downstairs one time to see a brick fly through our front window. The same boyfriend years later climbing up the drainpipe to get into my mum's open bedroom window. Later that night we were running outside because they were arguing and he threw a baseball bat at her and ended up smashing someone's window over the road... There's probably more but recalling is hard. When i was nine, my granddad died and sent my mother into a spiral of depression and drugs, and Lord knows what else. I was taken to live with my dad, who i didn't really know much honestly. After about six months he palmed me off onto his mother, i later found out he'd had some sort of breakdown... So while i lived with my grandmother and finally went to one school for a long period of time, (I had been to almost all the ones in my hometown...) turns out my mum went to prison because she was with her boyfriend while he was selling drugs. She did go back in for fighting another time years later. She has really terrible anger issues and likes to fight... When i was fifteen my grandmother got very poorly. She has a benign brain tumour. So my dad moved back in to take over my care. Well, i use the word care lightly. He was never there. Because i was a teenager trying to deal with my sexuality and i just wanted to go out on an evening to hang out with my girlfriend, he refused to cook an evening meal because i didn't want to wash the dishes. I'd never had to do these things, so i wasn't used to it! Typical teen right? Well he would leave some money and expected me to feed myself for the week. He would pop home an hour after my curfew to check i was home then go out all night again. I asked him one time for some new clothes, i was outgrowing my old ones and my gran had always just got me new when i needed them. He said; "If you want clothes get a job". I was fifteen and doing my GCSE's... how was i meant to get a job? I cut myself. I'd cut myself since i was about thirteen without any adults finding out. My fiend was self harming and it hurt me alot, so i did it to show her the impact. Turns out, i understood why she was doing it after that... My dad's second girlfriend (yeah he was dating more than one, womaniser) found out i had done it and i begged her not to tell him. But she did. She said he was so upset he couldn't sleep. When he saw me next he said to me; "If you want to die so badly, i know a nigga who will shoot you". Eventually he p***** her off (she found out about his first girlfriend) and she wanted to rob his illegal drug stash. I knew that this would mean it'd get it taken out on me and feared i'd be beaten up, so i told her to take me with her. I left home at sixteen. After a few days she told me to get lost and i ended up with a friend's family for about six months. I guess having a house full of six people under twenty was too much in a five bedroom house for their mum to cope, she made up some about me being a devil worshipper and kicked me out. Every time i would see my mother for a visit at her home in a different city, she would always mention my weight. It was all she talked about all the time. Not like i hadn't been bullied enough all through school, i totally needed her doing it too. She was always so mean, so angry. Screaming and shouting about everything and nothing. I love her, but we don't get along. I dropped out of college due to stress and sleeping in all the time. I didn't want to do the work, i just couldn't get my head around things, i felt so dumb and just gave up. I would never stay in my flat, it was a good half an hour out of town and no one would ever come see me. I was so lonely and miserable. I would stay out as much as humanely possible. I started to go clubbing and eventually met a guy, my first boyfriend, even though i was initially only flirting with him to get him away from a friend who was freaked out. Around this time i started to take anti-depressants because i felt so low. Things were weird with the boyfriend. He would never spontaneously see me, or take me out. I never met his friends or family. It was two days a week at my place and one night at the club together with our club group... I felt like i wasn't part of his life. I'm ashamed but i cheated on him twice. First time was me being a drunk *****, second time was my best friend buttering me up when boyfriend wasn't giving me any attention... Eventually i started seeing a guy who told me he was getting divorced, turns out, that was a lie. He was still very much married, and sleeping with about six different women. This earned me alot of hassle from my club friends. They started to hate me, thinking i was a *****. I don't feel i was in the wrong, but apparently, i was. I had barely any friends, no boyfriend and my best friend's mother was telling everyone i was a druggy... I tried to **** myself. Someone stopped me, luckily? In time i met someone else, and i thought he was the one. We got along so well, had fun, great sex, lived together after a while. But he had issues of his own. His ex had stopped taking contraception to get pregnant to him. She told him he couldn't see his son unless he slept with her. In doing so he caught an STD from her and passed it to me. He also cheated on me with a so called lesbian. When we split up, for no given reason, i was inconsolable. I tried to **** myself a second time and ended up in hospital for some hours, but nothing was wrong after the pills i had taken so i was let out. I decided to stop living in the flat out of town and went into supported accommodation in the town centre. It was fantastic, i was right near people and amenities and the flat was nice and compact. But i had two kittens and eventually got told i had to leave for that reason. I'd met someone else and after a stint in a shared house with supposed friends that ran me out of the place, we moved in together. By this time i'd lost pretty much everything i owned because i couldn't go back for my stuff. Eventually he told me i wasn't the kid of girl he wanted to meet his parents (he was thirteen years my senior) and so we split. I moved to my mother's in another city and stayed in her empty flat for a little while, since she was always staying with her boyfriend. After a while she told me she wanted to give up the flat (which she still has to this day!) so i had to leave. I'd met a girl on an online game and she really wanted me to go stay with her miles away in another village, so i did. Her boyfriend was creepy, and a control freak and he was horrible to me. He expected me to take the train to the nearby city alone and find my way to the job centre. I had severe anxiety and couldn't cope doing that, and no matter how much i begged them to take me and show me the way, they refused. I ended up staying with a friend of their's i met in another town who thought i was being treated poorly. Eventually my health started to get worse while i was there and i would have severe panic attacks frequently. I moved into a shared house and was alone for the most part, but i bumbled along. I met a foreign guy online through my game i played and he came to see me a few times. We fell hopelessly in love. Or at least i did. We never fought, we had fun, loads of sex, everything possible in common and not once did i ever feel like i couldn't trust him. We got engaged and planned to rent a house together with a friend of mine. Only he never turned up and faked that he had been stabbed while waiting for his ferry. His best friend told me the truth some time later. He was buying new clothes that weekend to replace the ones he had left with me. Because i had stopped paying rent because i was due to move, i ended up homeless for the millionth time. With nowhere to go, my friend took me to a city miles away to live at her dad's place while he was at his new girlfriend's. The foreign fiancé vanished and never spoke to me again, leaving me heartbroken and in pieces. I never knew why he vanished, what went wrong, i never had closure, and to this day, it haunts me. He was the one, and he turned his back on me, for no reason without warning. Me and my friend moved into a shared house. We were fine for a while, till the landlord moved in his friend with a drink issues. He punched a hole in my bedroom door one night because i didn't want him to have any of my pizza. We fled to my mother's back in the other city in fear. Things went sour real fast and she moved back to my hometown to her mother's place and i went to stay with another friend (her mother hated me for no reason for years so i wasn't welcome). I was waiting to go into a hostel, to fast track to a flat, since the city was expensive and i couldn't afford to rent privately. My friend told me not to bother and to go with her to her new home and have the spare bedroom. Four days before the move, she told me to leave. I was devastated. I luckily found an old friend who put me up in a town a few hours away and that's where i am to this day. I was in a shared house for a while, but i don't like people. Now i rent a two bed house since it's so cheap here. I had a boyfriend for a while, but he was a drain on my life. I was practically his new mother. For years i've sat at my computer playing games, trying to keep occupied with my poor levels of concentration and satisfaction. I'm overweight and have problems controlling my eating. I have no friends, my family don't talk to me. I'm alone here. I hate myself, the way i look, the way i act. Once i was fairly normal, if not quirky. Now i'm paranoid constantly, angry, miserable and moody. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. But i have no drive to change. No willpower to better myself. I just sit here day in day out alone and cry. I don't self harm as much, over the years i've toned it down to a minimum. But my mental health is alot worse than it's ever been. I feel like everyone hates me. I believe they do, i can't believe otherwise. My self image is so warped. I can't stand myself. The only reason i'm still here is because i'm too afraid to die. I've been there for everyone all the time, but no one is here for me. Currently i am dating someone new i met online, and praying he sees past the crazy and loves me regardless. Sorry for such a huge huge post. I think i got most of my life out of the way. So now, you can see why i'm so utterly ****ed up. Thanks for reading ^^
  5. Thank you all for a warm welcome. Its a long story of how I got to where I am right now, too long to write out on my tablet. But all I know is that I feel very alone in the world. I live alone in a town away from where I was born, I don't have friends here or family. It really hurts how unloved I am... :(
  6. Hello forum. I decided to join after another bout of my BPD playing up. Sometimes I just lose my mind and don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone to turn to. I'll probably say more later, as right now I'm using my tablet and typing takes forever. Anyone else here a Borderline?
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