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mhawkins

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About mhawkins

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  1. Hello everyone. On Thursday night, as I struggled to fall asleep (which is a normal thing for me) a phrase went through my mind that really scared me. In the middle of overthinking many things at once (also normal), I thought to myself "I wish I wouldn't wake up." This kind of came out of nowhere, and it wasn't until then that I realized that I have some serious issues that I need to take care of. After doing some research on the internet, I found that most symptoms of depression describe me perfectly. I searched the internet for a local support group, just so I could talk to some people who have similar problems. After not finding anything remotely close to me, I found this forum, which has been a big help and, well, lead me to join. Reading some posts from other users struck a nerve and opened my mind to the possibility that I may have several things going on. I have not made an appointment to see a medical professional just yet, because honestly I am scared to open up to a stranger. I did find a place that will accept my insurance, and will be setting up an appointment soon. I hope that by opening up to other members here that I will be more relaxed talking to a professional, and maybe even get more insight to things. About me - I'm 38, married, and have a young son. Last night I told my wife that I think that I am ill, and while she was surprised, she was supportive. We talked for a couple hours and went through a timeline of the last 10 years or so of my life, and a lot of things started to make sense. A big thing in my life is that I have no one to talk to about something like this. I feel that most of my friends would laugh, and after reading http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/111317-men-and-the-stigma-of-mental-illness-depression-and-gender/ I can see why. Friends that I do know well enough that I could confide in probably wouldn't believe me, as I have worked my whole life to get out of poverty and enjoy a little bit of sucess in my career. It's almost like when Robin Williams took his life, and people would say things like "how can someone have all that money and still be sad?" Well, I am not well off like that in any way shape or form, but good enough that I could see the same thing being said about me. I've worked the past 20 years to get where I am, and don't even really enjoy it. Money doesn't buy happiness. It seems that over the past 10 years, I have slowly changed into what I am today. Many things I just chalked up as "getting old" but some things couldn't be explained. It's hard for me to type out 10 years of changes, but I am not the same. It was an unusal feeling to piece things together and to see them add up, but at the same time it was good to see some kind of connection that made sense. I don't know how far I should go with this introduction, so maybe I'll just end it here. I want to thank all of those responsible for putting this site together and those who have shared their experiences, as it has been a big help to me over the past two days. I will try my best to update my progress. Thanks!
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