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About Xinn

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  • Location
    Los Angeles
  • Interests
    boardgames, video games, writing, travel, food, culture, design, art, technology, and more
  1. Hi, my name is Xinn (online name). I came across this forum randomly by looking up information on isolation and obscurity. I have been battling severe depression and acute anxiety for so many years. Most of my life. And there seems to be no end in sight for any of it. it is just getting worse. On top of that I would describe myself as a hypersensitive personality and I deal with COE/BED. I know the COE/BED is a way I've come to self-medicate over the years...a way to distract myself from pain. But it is also further complicates my issues with body image, which has been there along with my depression from the start. I find myself existing between being social/wanting to socialize and wanting to have absolutely NOTHING to do with people. The latter is how I've increasingly been feeling. I find when I am around people and the flow of society, I experience mostly pain, triggers, anxiety, extreme discomfort, displacement, distrust, disappointment, and anger. I don't like myself much when i tend to be around people more often than less...or anything that bring about social pressures and expectations. I feel this tremendous desire to cut off and isolate...to be away from anything that makes me feel like complete ...to seek a place and context where I feel safe...where I can heal, catch up, breathe (mentally), get stronger, and maybe even thrive...which I've never felt I've been able to do. I sometimes even feel like I need a reboot or to just start over...but I know how unrealistic that is...for many reasons. i feel like time continues to change things around me but I am frozen in time...others are experiencing milestones, change, progression, and development, but I am trapped in this eternal state of repression. I also feel like I have NO outlet for these frustrations, this pain, and this utter emotional fatigue/deterioration. I can be and am around people socially from time to time, but they aren't really people I would call friends. I boardgame with these people and seek entertainment, but that is all that is and the people involved are just that. There's no depth to the connections and I find a lot of them really bad triggers at times. I have a partner, but it is not a relationship where I get back the same level of emotion, depth, and investment as I put into it. It's been a painful relationship where I feel like I put up with neglect and emotional abuse. There are so many issues and I am not happy. I find myself winding up with the same person in different skins...I am aware of this... So he is not someone I can call a confidant...a safe person to open up with. He is just not that person... I am closer to my mother, but she aggravates my moods more often than anything. I find when I divulge my struggles or weaknesses, she feels a need to lecture, scold, or bypass what I am saying...she is too emotionally involved and biased to really be someone I can healthily talk to. I know she means well and there are times when she might be helpful, but she is just not equipped, overall, and she has her own problems which I feel bad about. So I am alone in my issues. I am not close with my father and he is a big part of the problems I face in some areas of my life. He is narcissistic, distant, emotionally abusive...doesn't know me really...and doesn't care. Anyway, I hope this is a place where I can open up more...where I can express what I feel and connect with others who understand. I seek a place of support...
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