I’m so sorry to hear of the death of your mother, and I realize how painful this must be for you. I'm sure that there will always be a special and tender place in your memory for your mom as long as you live. But... you know what? Your attempt of seeking help to getting yourself to a place where you deserve to be at (a state of peace) is certainly not going to be futile. I’ve prayed that the Lord will uphold you whenever you hurt and that He may encourage you during this time. If you have time to read, I'd like to suggest that you check out two books: 1. Experiencing Grief, by H. Norman Wright. It’s written to encourage those who have recently endured a loss. 2. The Bumps Are What You Climb On, repackaged edition: Encouragement for Difficult Days, by Warren W. Wiersbe. The author offers solid hope and comfort in times of depression, frustration, disappointment, or loneliness. Be strong. You can do this! :) Best of luck!