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axl617

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  1. I literally see comments like "omg I was on remeron for 4 weeks and it made me gain 100lbs! Evil drug". No, remeron didn't make you gain weight, eating uncontrollably made you gain weight. While there are theories about this drug slowing down metabolism and increasing glycogen uptake (theories, not proven), it doesn't have the power to change the laws of thermodynamics. I'm currently dieting to cut down on weight, and half of this time I've been on remeron. I count every calorie, eat high amounts of protein, moderate amounts of fat and carbs and cook all my meals. Guess what? I'm still losing fat consistently. Stop blaming the drug for your own self-control issues, if it helps with depression/anxiety you'd have to be an absolute ***** to come off it due to an increased appetite.
  2. I've been going through pretty severe depression for the last few months. Unfortunately I had to leave work/college due to this so I'm spending every day at home. My partner works full-time so she's out of the house for 8 hours a day, and I actually tried to adjust my sleep pattern to where I would wake up mid-day and she'd be back. I used to love being alone but with this illness it's unbearable and frankly pretty dangerous. I've been stressed out the last week because she has to go visit her mother in another country for 9 days this Friday. She got very ill suddenly herself so I can't really ask her to cancel the trip, but I'm worried. How do I go about spending 9 days alone in this state? A few hours is bad enough, but several days and nights seems pretty grim
  3. Same, seeing happier days. Nostalgia is a big trigger for me.
  4. Hey all. So I'm at the point of MDD where I guess I've become one of those people who doesn't really care about it anymore, when you suffer so long you just lose all hope and don't care about living anymore. It's a shame, because I've had depression for 4 years and was always one of those optimistic "it can get better, there will be new medicine coming out" people. But now I totally get the pessimists, you can't really find value in life when you're disconnected from it for so long, depression kills that part of you. I've started taking Remeron as of last night, I gave mainstream antidepressants a shot early on (lexapro and zoloft) but found them useless. My only regret I guess is not staying with the medical route, I bought in to the 'natural way is best' outlook and wasted years on useless supplements and 'healthy living' as advised by idiots who don't understand depression as a medical condition. I'm basically living like a monk, I haven't even had a drink in over 6 months, my day consists of meditation, exercise, paleo eating, shoving useless supplements down my throat (vitamin D, magnesium, 5-htp, agmantine, sarcosine, etc etc, I've exhausted the entire list), I've tried more novel treatments like LSD, illegal drug, MDMA, ketamine and ibogaine. The only thing that remains is my low-mood, I'm probably worse than ever, and partially because I tried so many things. So I don't know, maybe a lesson for others who are starting off with mood issues, go for what works, what has peer-reviewed evidence, and don't quit if it doesn't work, give everything a try for at least 6 weeks and keep at it with therapy and combinations if need be. The weight of this illness does take its toll if left untreated, my existential outlook has changed to seeing life as suffering rather than something enjoyable, and I lasted this long only because my life really was a gift before depression set in. Not sure what I'm trying to achieve with the Remeron, last ditch effort? I don't know if it's possible to treat depression without a 'can-do' attitude, and I certainly took mine for granted.
  5. Hey sorry to hear about your condition. I think it's time you take a more serious approach to your condition, while you still have the energy to go outside and seek counselling on your own. The supplements you take, well at least in my case they did absolutely nothing for a real clinical depression. I would see a doctor and ask him to diagnose you and refer you to a psychotherapist or psychiatrist (they can prescribe medication). If you want to be on the safe side, get a blood test (hormones, thyroid, vitamins, minerals etc) to make sure you are not deficient in anything, if not then I would suggest following the instruction of your therapist.
  6. Sorry you are going through this wheelman82. Depression makes us all weak for a time, that's the nature of the condition. Myself I was lucky to not have these issues at your age, in that time I achieved a fully paid scholarship to the top college in my country, was successful with sports, girls and in a social sense. However once I began experiencing depression and panic attacks I was reduced to barely being able to take care of myself, including something that was once as benign as taking showers and cooking meals. Am I by definition a weak person? I don't think so, quite the opposite actually. Did depression and panic attacks eat away at my willpower and make me weak by preoccupying all my energies to fight it? Yeah definitely. Is a person fighting the seasonal flu weak? No, they are sick, just like we are with whatever we are fighting here.
  7. Hey there, I just want you to know that feeling hopeless is all part of the illness. No matter how many times I felt like I can't take anymore because there's just no way things will get better, they always do. I can imagine that going through pregnancy is making things seem more bleak for you. Such major life events are meant to be a source of joy and relief but when you still feel that soul crushing pain of depression it makes you feel even more hopeless, one might think that if they can't be happy now, they can't be happy ever. Be gentle on yourself and understand that you have a condition that alters your thinking, in reality things always change, including mood, so you can't trust these feelings of hopelessness.
  8. Personally I like to view depression like a broken bone. Doesn't matter how long you had it, 1 month or 50 years. If you never found the 'right' treatment for it, it will still grow the wrong way and cause you suffering. The difference of course being that it's easy to fix a broken bone, but depression and personality issues are infinitely more complicated with breakthroughs on the horizon. You might have tried everything to date, but honestly treatment research has been infantile for the most part. There's new drugs being developed and old ones revisited (i.e ketamine) that are showing relief where all other options have been exhausted. I'm certain you haven't tried DBS either.
  9. As someone who has seen depression induced and rapidly taken away using chemistry and experiencing mood swings, I would say you don't really understand what depression is. I'm not one who was unhappy, in fact I had a spectacular life, lots of success and was what most people who consider a positive and strong person. None of that mattered when depression set in and I was unable to figure out why I was suddenly suicidal, unable to feel any positive emotion and why I was suddenly having concentration issues, brain fog and a general low health. You might have situational or moderate depression from your life circumstances, but if you lived a day with unrelenting low-mood that was in no way affected by your surroundings or circumstances you might sing a different tune. Here's hoping you don't have to go there.
  10. After 5 years of this this movie describes it perfectly even though it's a different topic
  11. Keep in mind I do not use drugs for pleasure (no longer at least). Ketamine has a lot of interest around it as it's supposed to be very effective for rapid relief of depression, in fact I'm mean to be part of a study on it, but given my experience I won't be pursuing that anymore. *link removed* I had done much more ketamine in the past, over half a gram, and I know the feeling. I should have guessed that if I'm still depressed it wasn't worth trying again, but the last time I did it recreationally to handle an MDMA comedown and I wasn't depressed during that time.
  12. I'm not really spiritual so these youtubers don't really jive with me. I like real people who have experienced or are experiencing depression. Bignoknow: Douglas Bloch:
  13. I'm sorry about your experience. I can relate as well, although I'm only 25 I feel I've already waste a few good years and fear that the next few decades will be nothing but bleak. Depression is truly an awful disease and it's just as unfortunate as any other illness a person can suffer. We can't take back the past, but we can try to make use of the time we have now, the present is the only thing we can experience. I hope you keep fighting the good fight, the way I see it is that even 1 year of happiness in a lifetime is worth it. We are progressing too, so your options will become greater in the next few years. Stay strong!
  14. I think because you have been depressed for so long, you don't know anything else. The idea of being non-depressed seems like it wouldn't be the genuine you, but another person entirely. Try to understand this is all part of the symptoms, like myself I can't imagine (or want) to be the person I once was where I had a busy life with a lot of socialising, travelling etc. This is because depression took away my ability to enjoy these things, so as long as I feel this way, it's more comforting then facing reality. If you get better, I think you will see things from a new perspective.
  15. So probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I was really desperate to get some relief. I've had depression for 3 years but clinical major depression for around 3 months. I read a lot about ketamine in TRD and decided that since in my country it's not available I'll get some for myself. The recommended online dosage (intranasally) is 0.1mg per kg of bodyweight in 5 dosages a day for 5 days. So for me that was 50mg at 5 days. I took around 50mg and I felt okay for a while, not 'depression free' by any means, the dark void was still there but it felt like I would on a 'good' day. However I found my reaction paradoxical, I felt really bad that night, disconnected from my emotions (it's a dissociative). It's been about 4 days since I took it but I'd say my depression got much worse. I don't know if there's a link, but I just felt less connected and more 'weird'. I didn't feel any better, but I got some new insight in to why I feel so terrible, I realised that I've been suffering for so long that it's sapped away in interest I have in being alive. It made me realise that everything in my life changed to give me pretty much the worst life experience a person can have thanks to this condition. I think that treating this disease is pretty much life or death at this point, however with the inability to feel ANY positive emotions and drowning in that physical feeling of hopelessness it's unbearably hard to do anything. So, ketamine doesn't seem to be the answer for me. I know it takes a few dosages to work but the negative response I had makes me afraid to try any more. Keep in mind, a lot of my health issues stemmed from trauma with psychadelic drugs so maybe I'm different. I'm at the point where things like alcohol or coffee don't do anything to alter my mood (despite the fact that the only drug I take regularly is benzos for anxiety). Might still work for you but, I'm feeling somewhat less hopeful.
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