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daveb48

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Everything posted by daveb48

  1. It has gotten slightly worse over the past couple of years. I suspect she may be showing signs of very early dementia as she tends to forget things much more often. What happens is that she will "forget" something that I said or did and make up her own version of the incident so that it fits into her agenda. I have tried telling her how this makes me feel but she doesn't seem to care. I've learned that my feelings and concerns are of little to no consequence to her.
  2. I have learned to not respond to these taunts because doing so only throws fuel onto the flame. She is constantly comparing me to her father, who was her hero, and I always am found wanting. He did everything right in her mind but I cannot do anything right. Also, if I say anything to her if she makes a mistake, I am an abuser and an asshole and she gets even angrier. My response is usually just to keep quiet and pull even further into myself. It's a lonely existence, to be sure.
  3. Has anyone else had this problem? My wife finds fault with everything I do and most of the things I say. This is not helpful to my depression one bit and I am having an increasingly difficult time dealing with it. I realize I am far from perfect, but I can't believe that everything I do is wrong. How do others here deal with this?
  4. How do you folks deal when your spouse refuses to allow any kind of physical contact with her - no kissing, no hugging, not even a casual touch? How do you handle the loneliness? This is my situation now. My wife has decided that I am no longer worthy of her respect or her affection. So far I have respected her wishes but it hurts like hell to not have that physical contact. With antidepressants and outside interests I have been able to cope, but I am still human and cannot fully accept total total isolation. Has anyone else experienced this and, if so, how did you deal with it?
  5. I kept thinking things would get better - that I could move past my fear of a ruined career and loss of freedom - but they never did. I couldn't get out of the hole I had dug for myself and now I have to live with it. She just never made an issue out of the situation, although I guess it bothered her more than I realized. We never discussed it, mainly because I just couldn't face the prospect of permanent rejection. Now that this happened, I need to learn how to live with it. It's hard, but at least I still have a home and freedom. She never lets me forget that I am a loser and can't measure up to her father or her sons. This is the hardest part for me.
  6. She told me early on to never come between her and her kids. I was never certain she would have supported me. She recently told me that her daughter was "just kidding" when she did this. That's okay, but it would have been nice to have learned this 25 years ago.
  7. I didn't exactly lose interest in it. It was more that her daughter from a previous marriage didn't like us having sex and also wanted to get her mom and dad back together. She threatened to call Social Services and file some false charges, which would have cost me my career and could have resulted in prison. I chose celibacy to unemployment and jail. Bad choice perhaps, but at the time it looked like my only option .
  8. Since I have been in therapy for my depression, I have been trying to "reignite" my physical relationship with my wife. My depression caused me to lose interest in sex at the age of 40 (along with other issues). I am now 68 and want desperately to have some sort of physical contact with my wife, even just kissing and cuddling, but she wants nothing to do with me. I am not allowed to touch her, kiss her or even suggest doing so. My question is - has anyone else here had a similar problem and, if so, how did you deal with it? Leaving her is not a good option as I would have a hard time starting over at my age and sleeping on a park bench doesn't really appeal to me.
  9. My primary care physician recommended that I get therapy for my depression but when I call them an they find out I am on Medicare, they tell me they cannot see me. Is this a common problem or am I supposed to believe that older adults with depression are simply not entitled to therapy? I suppose I should just bite the bullet and continue on as before with just my antidepressants and keeping all these dark thoughts to myself. I can't discuss these things with family members because they are all into their own problems and don't give a rat's ass about mine.
  10. Right now I'm not feeling to hot. I was hoping the New Year would bring with it new hopes and promises but it's just more same old, same old. My wife says I disrespect her because I don't anticipate her every need and mood and respond accordingly. I am having problems dealing with her anger and hatred toward me. Common sense tells me I would be happier if I just left but my other sense tells me I would be broke and homeless if I did, so I hang in there and hope for better days ahead. Is this logical?
  11. Thanks to all for the support and kind words. Christmas is a very hard time for me. My oldest daughter passed away on Christmas in 1979. You never really get over a loss of that magnitude and sometimes if just overwhelms me. I feel better now but will be even better when the holidays are over and I don't have to fake happiness for the sake of others.
  12. I have failed. I am a failure as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a man. I cannot make people happy np matter how hard I try. All I get for my efforts is verbal and mental abuse from people who are supposed to love and support me. I am feeling as though the world would be better off if I wasn't a part of it. I don't know how to make things better.
  13. Right now I am trying to survive another Christmas season. My stress level is in the stratosphere and I just wish I could hibernate until spring.
  14. In the past year or so, I have begun thinking about it more and more often - sometimes several times a day - and this concerns me somewhat. I don't want to take that final step but I also wonder if maybe everyone I know would be better off if I were gone and they didn't have to bother with me anymore. This time of year - Christmas and the following winter months - are the worst.
  15. Eve, thank you for the kind words. I appreciate them. I am pretty sure my wife is depressed. As to menopause, she is well beyond that age. For a long time I thought she might be BPD. She shows a lot of the signs of that but not some of the primary ones - especially the sudden change from wanting me gone to clinging to me. She would just as soon I vanished from the planet. She is a workaholic and that is part of the issue because I am not and therefore she feels I don't pull my weight. Problem here is, I cannot do anything good enough for her so she steps in and does it herself. Her father was kind of this way. He was a perfectionist to the point where he had a nervous breakdown. If I didn't need to focus on my own depression, I could maybe deal with her issues better but it is so difficult to cope with the blame game and the hurtful comments when I already feel low.
  16. She has not always been this way. It began not long after her daughter died (2001) and has gotten progressively worse since. We have both lost daughters, so her comment about mine seems even more out of place in that context. She sounds a lot like bluegal's mother in that she seems to always find something to criticize me about no matter how hard I try and standing up to her only served to throw gasoline on the flames. I had some foot surgery last week and now I feel like I am committing a sin by inconveniencing her because I can't do some of the things I normally do. Forget the fact that this couple weeks of recovery will enable me to walk and do other things with much less discomfort (including helping her with jobs, etc.), she has to pick up my slack so therefore I am creating a huge burden for her. I have already vowed to myself that unless it is a matter of life or death (and maybe not even then), I will never do it again just so I don't need to listen to the accusations and ugly comments. I just want to feel loved and needed again and I don't see that happening again in my life.
  17. My wife has become more and more verbally abusive over the past couple of years. She is constantly angry, belittles me (calling me stupid, etc.), and telling me that I don't work hard enough or help her enough. I am retired, so I no longer work full time. When I do make any effort to help her, she criticizes my efforts and usually takes over the task herself, then complains loud and long as to how she never gets any help from anyone. Last night at dinner, we were talking about how I prepared food for my daughter from a previous marriage, since deceased, who was handicapped and could not chew in a normal manner. I mentioned that one item she really liked was a mixture of sweet potatoes and hot dogs, ground up and warmed. Her response to this was: "no wonder she died if you fed her that stuff." Now, I may be old fashioned but in the world I grew up in, people who supposedly cared about each other didn't make remarks like that. I was deeply hurt and till am. After I began taking antidepressants, I was better able to deal with these snarky remarks and humiliation, but now it is becoming more and more difficult to deal with. Arguing back has no other effect but to make her even angrier. Probably I would be happier if I just left, but at my age it would be extremely difficult to start over again. Has anyone else here dealt with this sort of issue? Is there a point at which it is prudent to simply cut one's losses and move on? What sorts of coping mechanisms do you use? I honestly feel my depression would improve a lot if I didn't have this problem.
  18. I keep thinking I shouldn't be so down on myself. All things considered, I have a pretty good life. I have a nice home. I can travel. My health is fairly good for a man my age and have hobbies that I can pursue that give me pleasure. So why, you are probably asking, am I so damned depressed? I wish to hell and back that I knew. I can't seem to please anyone anymore no matter how hard I try. My wife is a perfectionist, so nothing I do is ever good enough for her. She tells me that I can't make her happy. We stopped having sexual relations 25 years ago - around my 40th birthday - because her daughter wanted to get her and her Dad back together and threatened to call Social Services and make up a story if I didn't stop making love to her Mom, so I did. I figured celibacy was better than prison. Now I'm 67 and it's too late to start over. I don't blame my wife for hating me, I suppose. She had to learn to live with my decision. I can't seem to get over the notion that the world belongs to the young and beautiful and that guys like me no longer have a right to it. I p***** away my own youth and now must pay the price by watching the younger generations enjoy the fruits of life that I am no longer entitled to. So how does all this make me feel? Like I belong in a deep, dark hole all alone. You asked?
  19. How have people in this forum dealt with feelings of uselessness and inferiority? This is the one aspect of depression I cannot seem to overcome. I feel as though I am not entitled to happiness or a good life - that I need to leap off the planet in order to make room for those more deserving of living on it. Is this a normal aspect of Depression or do I have something else to deal with?
  20. I have said it before and I will say it again - until society eliminates the stigma against mental illness in men, especially as it relates to the workplace, men will not seek the help they need. To admit to having a mental illness is tantamount to saying goodbye to one's career. If he isn't fired outright, his chances of promotion and advancement are virtually eliminated. In my case, I was a local government employee and had to hide my depression for years in order to keep my job. No citizen wants a mentally ill person working for them in government regardless of how much they say to the contrary. To admit that you are suffering from depression, or any other mental problem if you are a man, is to open yourself up to unemployment and a very bleak future.
  21. If this has already been discussed, I apologize, but I didn't read all 603 pages of messages in this forum. My most noticeable symptom is a feeling of utter worthlessness - like I don't have the right to even exist. Does anyone else feel this way? I haven't seen many references to this particular issue. I find myself apologizing to perfect strangers for being in the same room as them - as though I don't have the right to occupy the same space as others. As a senior citizen, I feel that the world belongs to the young and that I have no right to be in it. I almost wish I had some of the other symptoms of Depression, such as sadness, as those might be easier to deal with. I'm not asking for help here, just trying to find out if I am a "normal depressed" or some sort of freak.
  22. I'm retired now but when I was working full-time, I chose not to tell my employer. The main reason was that I believed that telling them would be the end of my career. I was a local government employee and there is a very real stigma about public servants being "nutty," as it has been called. Men are especially susceptible to this kind of treatment, I've found. My advice to anyone considering telling their employer is to make sure there won't be negative repercussions if you do so.
  23. I just joined this group, so I suppose an introduction is in order. I am a 67-year-old man who has suffered from depression for years. It is next to impossible to talk to anyone about this because my wife doesn't see depression as a real disease - more like a personality weakness that one needs to just get over. So it is nice to find a place where I can talk about what I feel without being judged. I have been taking Cymbalta (or the generic equivalent) for about six years. I don't have any way to judge whether or not it is working because I have never taken any other meds and I don't know what I would be like if I stopped taking it. I don't really think I want to know. I don't want to bore everyone into a comatose state here, so I will hold off on any more information for a later post. Thanks for listening.
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