fearispower

I feel like I must've committed some terrible crime in a past life. It's the only explanation I could think of as to why no one wants me. All I ever wanted was to be liked, but apparently that's asking too much. I have no interesting hobbies or accomplishments and I still live with my mother, so everyone automatically ignores me. I go on dating apps, I swipe and swipe, I send messages, nobody responds back. I bet if I asked every single woman of appropriate age on this planet, not one would go out with me. I would've committed suicide long ago if I weren't such a coward.

26y M. I'm trapped in a job I hate working in a vet clinic that doesn't pay enough for me to live on my own. I have no money, so I can't go back to any kind of school. I have no hobbies, so nobody will date me or be my friend. I've never even been in a relationship up until this point. I have no talents or skills. Literally all I do is write fanfiction, but I'm not even good at it. I've never placed in the contests I enter, and I have half the followers of the people who've been on the site for half as long as I have. I'm also too much of a coward to **** myself. I'm doomed to a lifetime of misery.

The only thing I've ever been kinda good at is writing fanfiction, but I'm not even good at that. I don't place in every single contest I enter, not even an honorable mention. I believed in myself, and I worked so hard on my last entry, but it completely failed. Not one judge mentioned my entry. I have half the followers of people who've been writing for half as long as I have. Nobody thinks you're interesting if you're not good at your hobbies. What's the point of living?

So you're saying I should give up and accept my life is over?

So what? It's gonna be gone in ten years?

I don't have any friends, and I've never been in a relationship (I'm in my 20's). I originally had plans to start working on those things. I lost my virginity to an escort a while back, because I thought it would help my confidence. But guess what? Coronavirus. Now, because I still live with my mother, I can't go out and do anything. I can't even get the brief satisfaction of an escort because I'll probably contract the virus, bring it home to my mom, and **** her. I'm never going to have sex again, or do things like go to the movies or go to a comic con. This virus is never going away. I don't even have suicide as a way out because my mom guilts me into staying alive.

I have lived a little more than twenty years. I have no idea how I'll survive more than a couple more. Nothing seems to matter. I don't have any friends, so I've tried to fill that hole in myself with my fandoms and my pets. But my cats are getting older, and they won't live long. Fandoms are worse. In the past couple of years, I've been really into Marvel movies and MLP, but the word is that the next season may be the last, and with Avengers 4 approaching, a lot of major characters will probably get retired. People will stop writing fanfics, making videos, songs, and whole fansites will eventually shut down. Videos I love to watch won't stay on the internet forever, and I don't have the room on my computer to save everything I want. I've already saved over six-hundred fanfics, over 100 MB worth, but who even knows if technology will still be able to read those files when I'm old. I've done a little research on the subject, some of which came from here and there just doesn't seem to be a way. It's the same everywhere I look. Video games and systems will wear out and become unusable, dvds will wear out, books could get ruined or stolen, writing might eventually fade. I can't preserve anything. I know it's pathetic, but it's all I have. There's no assurance of an afterlife. All I'll be left with are memories of the wonderful things that I've lost forever. I wish I'd never existed.

I got kicked out of the vet tech program I was in. I only had one semester to go, and I failed one class. I appealed, but they won't let me back in. I've officially become a failure. This was the only career pathway I'd ever seriously considered. I'm not good at anything else. All they gave me for options were moving to Denver to go to another school (which I'm certain my dad won't pay for), or taking the vet assistant test that I have all the credits for, and getting that certificate. Which is basically saying "So you love animals, right? Get a job as the guy who takes out the garbage at a vet hospital! I know it's not the same, and you won't ever make enough money to move out of your mom's house, and you'll be branded a failure, meaning you'll die a friendless virgin who nobody cares about, but at least it's something!" I don't know what's left. What's the point of going on?

I don't have nearly as many suicidal thoughts as I used to. However, since my cat died recently, I've had a lot of existential depression and fear of death. It actually makes suicidal thoughts worse, because you don't won't to die, but you don't want to live either. I was raised a loose Protestant. My family stopped going to church a long time ago, but my mom still believes in God. I decided on Agnosticism, because I've never had any real internal feeling that there was a God, but couldn't discount the feelings of people who did. Now, as I contemplate death, I start to feel scared about the possible lack of an afterlife. It's impossible to imagine your consciousness ceasing to exist. Go ahead, try it. I can't picture not existing, because my conscious mind can't think of just fading. All I can think of is just transferring to a different state. What scares me is the idea of just moving to a black void, not aware of anything anymore, but just sitting in that void forever. I'll never get to see my dead pets, friends, or family members again. What if that's what happens? What's even worse is the memories. I've started to realize just how cruel memory is, because it just reminds me of the wonderful things I'll never get to experience again. What if you're left alone for eternity, with nothing but cruel reminders of everything you've lost?

The Living Planet Index.

I don't know if this is the right place, but honestly, I didn't know where else to go. Today, a report came out claiming that two thirds of the world's species will be dead by 2020, in part due to climate change. Most scientists have announced that it's basically too late to do anything. What? All those years of stealing out of my neighbor's garbage cans, trying to drive less, using less electricity were for nothing? Nobody in the government cared enough? The skeptics are still taken seriously? What the hell is the point, then? Why don't we just commit mass suicide? My symptoms have struck back full force. I know it's not my fault, but part of me keeps saying I didn't do enough. Why am I living now? Why not give up and jump onto train tracks before I have to see the fresh hell we've created on this planet? I don't know how to live with this. I'm not a genius, I don't know how to remove carbon from the atmosphere? What the hell do I do?

So I'm on 60 mg of Cymbalta a day for my depression. However, I'm worried about what it's doing. This morning, I found out that my aunt's dog died, and it didn't make me cry. I used to cry over the deaths of pets of even a casual acquaintance. It seems like I can't get really sad or cry about anything unless it's about me and my problems. Can too much Cymbalta impact your ability to feel like that? I'm gonna bring it up with my psychiatrist, I mostly just wanted to see if anybody else had similar experiences.

I wasn't trying to start a "My family is worse than yours" contest, or trigger anybody, honestly. I just wanted to vent, and I don't have anybody else to talk to.

Captain America Civil War for the third time. I thoroughly enjoyed it, again.

I have completely given up on getting any kind of meaningful support from my family. I hate all of them. I wish I'd been adopted out. My older sister is a straight up Biotch. She constantly bullied and emotionally abused me throughout my entire childhood. Dropped a napkin? "You ****ing moron, what's wrong with you?" Told her I didn't use up all the toilet paper, which was true? "Of course, how could I forget? You are a god among men, and I should worship the ground you walk on!" Wouldn't trade chore days with her? "You son of a Biotch, you ****ing son of a Biotch." Misidentified a celebrity on TV at a family get together, where most of my extended family treats me with respect? "Oh my God, you're so ****ing stupid. Why do you even open your mouth?" Oh, and when she got called out on it? "Oh, how dare I try to help him? He doesn't listen normally. He needs to be told he's a dumbass so he'll learn. You should be thanking me." She was convinced I was the favored child, which I was, but it's not like that was my fault. She was really close to our dad before our parents got divorced, but after that, I got closer to him, and I'm pretty sure she blames me for the divorce. Not to mention that she's overweight, and constantly brings it up in conversation, so nobody knows how to react, and she acts insulted. She takes disagreeing with her as a personal attack. Now, she's trying to be all chummy, trying to talk to me about superhero movies, taking me out to bars, even though I don't like to drink. Seriously? You did a pretty effective job sending the message that you wish I'd been aborted for my entire life. Oh, and our dad cut our mom off of support, so she can't keep our old house, and has to move. She blames this on me going to college out of state, calling me selfish, so our dad thinks our mom doesn't need the money to take care of us, despite the fact that she's going to Japan to teach English for two years. In college, all she did was Biotch about how much she hated it, but she never even considered transferring. My mother is the definition of sheltering and overbearing. She never pushed me to participate in extracurriculars. She acted like, just because I was nice and a good person, meant that anybody who didn't like me was an *****. She doesn't understand that she loves me for me just because she's my mother. She never called the school I went to when I was being bullied in middle school, instead telling me to ignore them, over and over and over again. She'd bring up her childhood and her Biotch of a mother every time I tried to come to her with a problem, failing to understand that her childhood was nothing like mine. She does things that three year olds find funny and laughs at it, because she teaches preschool, and when I tell her it annoys me, she tells me to suck it up. When I'd get sad after coming home from my Dad's house, she'd sometimes yell at me, acting like it was because I didn't want to do chores that I only had to do at home, when all I did was miss my father. She yelled at me for not getting happy when she gave me quick solutions when I came to her because I didn't have any friends, even though she didn't listen to my feelings. She'd tell me over and over again that everybody else was miserable too, and felt the same way. Not only is that a lie, it did exactly nothing to help me. If I ever got mad and complained about how people suck and the world is a hellhole, she'd say "Okay, let's let the pets die. Let's **** your only friends. You said, nothing matters, so let's just let your chinchilla starve to death, or get rid of her." I never said anything like that. She knows I have chronic guilt syndrome, so I inevitably felt guilty after that, she comforted me. To sum it up, she turned every argument into me being ungrateful, how she was better than her ****ing Biotch of a mother, and turned herself into the good one, no matter what we where talking about. Even when I came to her with suicidal thoughts. When I got interested in climate science, and started to try and conserve, she acted all proud, and went on and on about how I was so good, and she'd like to do it too. However, when it comes to doing anything about it, if it requires any effort, she won't do it. When we were cleaning out the house, we pulled out some old stereos and crap, and I was gonna take it down to Best Buy for electronic recycling. She threw it in the garbage can. She encouraged me not to take the bus to school. Not to mention, both she and my sister are overweight, possibly obese, and I'm at a fairly healthy weight, because I eat less, and go running all the time. Whenever we go out to eat, they try to get me to eat bigger, and get these calorie filled desserts. I think they want me to get fat too. She refuses to accept that she ever did anything wrong in raising us, and in any argument, will find someway to turn it and make it about us being ungrateful. When my sister was getting letters from colleges, she threw them away before my sister got to them, because she didn't want us to go to school out of state. When I told her I wanted to leave the state, she tried to guilt trip me. She has such a simplistic worldview, never taking anything seriously. She constantly says "Don't ya think?" after really obvious things, (Water is wet, don't ya think?) and her understanding of movies or books or tv shows boils down to "I liked it," or "I didn't like it," and it irritates me to no end. She's always singing songs from her preschool classes really loudly, like one verse, over and over, not understanding that she has a horrible singing voice, and she doesn't understand why that is annoying as ****. I politely asked her to stop, and she told me to plug my ears, but when I did that, she got pi**y and said "Get your fingers out of your ears. That is so rude." She acts all friendly around her sisters, then badmouths them as soon as they leave. My father separated from our mom when I was young, then divorced two years later. He's never given us a single word of explanation for this. Nothing. He refuses to talk about difficult topics, something he's partially passed on to me. He married a woman who can't string together two coherent thoughts, and expects us to get all chummy with her extended family. He gets mad if we don't great them super enthusiastically. He spent months trying to get me to go to school in Reno, Nevada, because he owns another house there, probably because he wanted to constantly watch me, and got all passive aggressive when I said no. He pays my rent, because I can't afford it right now, which I appreciate, but he got p***** off when I failed a couple of college classes, like I purposefully did it to insult him. He's aloof, and he won't talk to me about anything serious. He refuses to talk my sister down when she bullies me. He gets p***** when we don't befriend his other family, when we've given him more than enough clues to understand that we hate everyone of them. He acts like my mom's being wasteful whenever she spends money on anything. He insults my climate change enthusiasm, because he's an attorney that works for coal mines. He acts like it's this contest between him and my mom that he has to win with money. I don't know if there is anything I can do about this. I just wanted to vent.