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Everything posted by ladybug2730

  1. I have been living with Dysthymia since my teens. I am now 63, however never started any medication for it until my late 40's because I figured most of it was situational (some was, some wasn't). I have been on Depakote, Celexa, Lexapro, Cymbalta and Lamictal. The Depakote made me manic and the Lamictal only worked for a month. The other three worked for about a year or two before they stopped working altogether. Finally a little over two years ago I gradually weaned myself off all anti-depressants thinking that maybe my normal serotonin levels would kick in. This seemed to work for awhile but the last few months have been bad. My new doctor gave me Wellbutrin and I have been taking 75 mg twice a day for 6 days now. I feel much worse, suicidal in fact to the point where I have googled "best ways to commit suicide". I have made plans. Knowing what it would do to my kids and my one grandchild who has already been through too much stops me. Thankfully I only work two days a week. I was widowed in 2010. I've been tempted to just quit taking the Wellbutrin as I feel worse now than I did before. I don't know if I should just give it a little more time because it is normal to feel worse before you feel better or not. As an aside my two serious suicide attempts were while I was on anti-depressants. I know some people's bodies/brains are just resistant to anti-depressants and I have a feeling I may be one of those people. My doctor has ordered a DNA test to determine what is the best course of medicine for me. But until I get the test and results I guess I just have to suffer and see if the Wellbutrin kicks in.
  2. Well I've tried another medication that just made me worse so I quit after 2 weeks. I'm done with medication; I haven't been on one yet that worked for more than a few months. I remember when I first went on Effexor I felt like a dark cloud that had been hovering over me had lifted. It only lasted a few weeks and was gone. Now my latest psychiatrist says she definitely thinks I have uni-polar? It's like bipolar but I don't have the highs just the lows? *** sounds like depression to me. So she gave me lamectil which I wouldn't take when I read the side effects, then trileptal which after two weeks make me seriously suicidal to where I was googling the best and most effective place to shoot yourself. I've come to the conclusion that nothing is going to help me, not any medication, not any therapy. This is just the way it is going to be for the rest of my life. I'm just hoping since I have had cancer twice that my life won't last much longer. I'm not doing anybody in this world any good. I just want to be left alone. I put my cell phone on Do Not Disturb so I don't have to speak to anyone. I was going to put my Christmas tree up over the weekend (mainly for my granddaughter) but then changed my mind. I hate myself, I hate my life.
  3. What I feel right now is "why did I bother joining this forum"? I guess I keep hoping somebody will have some advice or a magic wand or something to help me.
  4. What's on my mind right now? Nothing good I can tell you that. Another day of me waking up feeling annoyed that I didn't die in my sleep and that I have to face another day. I hate my life, I hate talking to anybody, I just want to be left alone. My doc prescribed a different medication, lamectol but after reading the side effects I am too afraid to take it. I am sick of living like this with no hope, nothing to look forward to anymore. I wish I could just end it but I don't want to hurt my sons or my 6 year old granddaughter. I weaned myself off of Effexor (the 4th anti-depressant I have been on) because I was starting to feel very suicidal. I was hoping my body's natural serotonin and the other stuff in our brain that contributes to mood would kick in since I had read something like that in a natural health manual. Hasn't worked out so far. I've already decided to bail on Thanksgiving with my family. If it wasn't for my granddaughter I would do the same with Christmas. I don't even want to put up a tree. Her mother has abandoned her so she lives with her maternal grandparents during the week and with me and my adult son on the weekends. I love her but I don't want her around because I have to pretend to be happy or at least not miserable when she is here. I have fibromyalgia so I hurt a lot physically and have recently been diagnosed with vocal cord dysfunction which causes me to have episodes of not being able to get any air in. I have had to go the ER three times in the last year. It is scary and I feel like if it happens again I will just shoot myself. Where is God? Is there a God? If so why does he let people suffer?
  5. What's on my mind right now? How many more years do I have to go on? I beg God to take me in my sleep every night and when I wake up I'm disappointed that I have another day to get through.
  6. - Moonstruck - The Princess Bride - Ben Hur - Airplane! - Quigley Down Under
  7. I watch comedies especially Frasier. There are a couple of episodes that are so funny.
  8. Over the last few years I have lost my faith. Like many others I have a difficult time with God allowing such awful things to happen in the world. I often screamed at Him asking why did I have to grow up in an emotionally abusive home and why does He allow good people to suffer. The weird part for me is I love Jesus but despite all the teachings of a "Trinity" I feel like God (the father) is a vindictive hard person and Jesus is the exact opposite. But then when I'm feeling suicidal I think Heaven seems like a much better place to be. It's confusing even to me.
  9. Once at a bad time in my marriage I became envious of someone else's seemingly perfect marriage. I worked with the husband and he seemed like such a perfect man. Since the company was small we socialized together regularly. One day the wife told me about the problems in their marriage, it wasn't anything serious but it made me realize that despite what we think or feel, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. My envy these days comes regarding my sister. She married a man who had a good career and makes a lot of money. She doesn't love him, never has but she wanted the stability that came with being married to a good provider since she was a single parent. I was widowed 5 years ago and money has always been an issue, even more so now without my husband. I'm envious that she has a house, a cleaning lady and can drop $500 on a purse anytime she wants when I can't even afford some of the necessities in life. It's worse at Christmas and I'm already dreading it because she can afford to buy everybody presents and I can't. Even though I have told her not to buy me stuff she does it anyway. She has a good heart but it makes me feel inferior and uncomfortable. I try to keep it mind that I am still a lot better off financially than a lot of people but all I've wanted my whole life was my own house and that seems like it will never happen. Yes, it makes me feel petty so I'm glad I have these forums to air my feelings without being judged too harshly.
  10. Will I be able to finally buy my own place or will I have to stay stuck in this 2 bedroom place forever?
  11. This is my problem, I don't feel like I have anything to look forward to anymore.
  12. Don't let this possible relationship determine whether you will be happy or not. Nobody else can make you happy.
  13. Please remember that no matter how bad you might feel right now, this will pass. It's difficult but I know from experience that it won't always be this bad. Please talk to someone who is supportive.
  14. I did two loads of laundry and cleaned the spare bathroom. Haven't showered yet but I need to do that. Although I would like to veg all day I force myself to do something, anything productive so I don't feel like I've wasted another day.
  15. My husband died 5 years ago today. Eight months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy, no chemo or radiation (my choice). Because my finances were extremely tight after hubby died I had no choice but to move in with my mother which was a disaster. I'm now living in a nice 2 bedroom with my adult son. Still depressed and miserable most days but I force myself to try and accomplish something every day. I have been on disability since 2004 due to fibromyalgia and dysthymia. It seems my depression is worse than when I was working because I don't have anything to really keep my mind occupied in a positive way. But most days when I wake up I feel so hopeless that I can't imagine having a job to go to.
  16. Interesting that I found this forum today because I have been having these same feelings for months now of wanting to just pack a few things and get out of here. I have made some major moves in the last 30 years and my depression (dysthymia) follows me. I hate where I'm living because it has long, hot and humid summers which makes me not want to leave the house (sort of the reverse of SAD). But I also know that all my family is now living here and what would really be accomplished by relocating again? Yes it would be nice to live somewhere that had at least 3 seasons as I get tired of the sameness of the view outside my window but I know realistically I can't expect a new location to fix me. Have tried numerous antidepressants and just recently quit using Effexor. Weaned myself off slowly and while I don't feel especially suicidal I feel like I just exist day to day, I'm not really living. None of the meds I have taken work for very long and I'm afraid to keep taking higher doses. So while it might sound nice to relocate and reinvent yourself it probably won't change anything. But then I guess it depends on the person and their circumstances.
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