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dysect

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About dysect

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  1. I've always been alone but never felt it. I developed sever social anxiety around middle school when all the kids would make fun of how I looked and followed me through high school. I never got over it so I became a recluse. I preferred staying in my room all day on the computer doing nothing. I only go out if I have to(work). The thing is, I've always enjoyed being alone. If I ever got invited to go somewhere, I usually rejected the invitation. On the rare occasions I did go, I would never enjoy my time. Lately though, I'm beginning to feel alone. It's causing severe depression. I don't sleep well. At nights I have all these negative thoughts about how alone I am and how I've wasted away my youth doing nothing because of how much I've feared the outside world. I no longer like being alone and naturally seek companionship. The problem is due to my isolation, I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I don't know where to go to meet people. I don't have any friends. I tried online dating for a while but it never worked out for me. Those dating apps are only for goodlooking people anyway. So yeah, I've relied on the internet for pretty much everything. To help me get through my lack of a social life but it's no longer doing it for me. I desperately need to change as I feel like I'm running out of time but like I said before...I just don't know where to go.
  2. I mean I don't know...sometimes I'm friendly but I usually try to avoid people as much as I can. This reaction I have of people is just based on how I've been treated my whole life so I don't think it's any fault of my own. My main concern is when someone sees me, how they're judging my physical appearance and how they're analyzing me. I'm a total hermit and it has gotten really bad. Just the other day I couldn't get myself to go get my mail just because there were a bunch of kids and parents right outside my house near my mailbox. I had to wait until they all left...I'm such a joke. I'm afraid of everything that would cause me to interact with strangers and this is no way of living.
  3. I've always been somewhat depressed as far as I can remember. I guess around junior high is when depression and anxiety started to creep in and it had to do with the fact I was way too sensitive of a person. You see, I'm an ugly guy....just physically. I like to think I have a good personality. I have this ability to make people laugh and they tend to enjoy being around me based on that especially once they get to know me. Anyway, back to junior high...it wasn't until then when I realized I was ugly because I would have to be under constant verbal abuse thoughout my day every day at school. It followed me till high school and I'm sure it would continue on to college if I still had the motivation to continue my education. People would always tell me to ignore the comments but it's pretty damn hard to do being so sensitive about it and having to deal with it constantly. It was so bad that it became hard to focus on my schoolwork. All I can think about is how the people around me must think I'm ugly...that was all I had on my mind 24/7 and because of that I only barely graduated. So no, I didn't even have the good grades to be accepted to any college anyway, they were fairly average but I'm sure if my head was focused I would have done much better. I thought being sensitive about the way I look and also my height(I'm only 5'6) would be just a phase I thought I would get over by the time I became an adult. To this day...it still affects my life(I'm 27 now). I feel like my mental state hasn't progressed since high school. So yeah, I constantly focus on the way I look and how I make poor first impressions because of my face. It's the reason why I work in dead end jobs and never go out and don't have any friends. I have no motivation to go to school and get a better job and I have no motivation to socialize. The cherry on top of all of this is that I have a younger brother who is taller than me, athletic, and handsome. He gets all the attention and all the girls and it kills me inside. I don't want to hear about how beauty fades and it's the inside that counts, those words have never meant anything to me because it definitely isn't the case for me in particular. Maybe if I looked somewhat normal, but alas, I look abnormal and it throws people off...I can tell by the way they first react after meeting me. I have more to say from things like where I work and the way all the female coworkers interact with me but I'll leave that for another time.
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