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Synth

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  1. I look forward to two things: My nightly booze buzz Sleep, when I can stop feeling
  2. In my personal experiences, I consider them to be non-helpful. They ask a lot of questions and provide few answers. Maybe there are no 'answers', I don't know anymore. I tend to feel like I'm just another 'hour in their day'. Maybe my expectations are wrong, as I expect the therapist to make me better about myself and my life. But how can they do that really? My life is still my life when I leave the room. The last place I tried to had a waiting room the size of a bus station full of people of all ages. I was flabbergasted at the 'size' of this problem. I don't know how these people can listen to people like me all day long, day after day. My God. They themselves probably need to see a therapist. Just my two cents...
  3. On most days, I have a anxiety/stress related headache coming on before 10am, thanks to my wonderful boss, who would step over his mother's body on the floor to pick up a dime. He only cares about two things: Himself & His bank balance. He adimts he is an as*hole and seems proud of that fact.
  4. Hey, I made electronic music/songs and I really enjoyed the whole writing and recording process. The desire has been sapped out of me. How about you?
  5. Strangely enough, I used to make music too. I haven't done it for almost 3 years and counting. Just can't bring myself to do it. I hope one day I'll feel the way I used to because I miss it so much.
  6. I live alone and I'm not close with any family members or friends anymore. We've all grown apart. I don't call anyone or want to see anymore and I realize that my depression has caused me to isolate myself from the 'outside' world. I have co-workers with whom I talk to but otherwise, I live in a bubble. I have no kids and my mother, who has always been the closet person in my life, is in very bad health and fading fast. I can't communicate with her anymore either. Everything I do, I do alone and anywhere I go, I go alone. I fear that my life will continue on this empty, lonely path until my time is up. Or, maybe a miracle will happen and my future will change...
  7. Synth

    Entry 2, Routine

    I hear ya. You're not alone in how you feel about just how mundane and pointless life is when you're just going through the motions.
  8. One thing I will say is that if I didn't have the job to get me out of the house during the day I know would be 10X more depressed than I am now and probably cracking open the first brewski of many at 12:01 pm.
  9. I know I would much prefer to be struggling to go to a good paying job like the one I once had, than low paying job that I know have.
  10. Hey Alone1, out of curiosity, how old are you? I'm 55 and it sounds like we're in the same boat in many ways. My 'career' as it were in the white collar field ended in 2006 (laid off) and I've been in a downward tailspin ever since. I was so naive and foolish to think that I would be at that nice company until I could retire with a big fat 401K. I lived in lala land. So, since 2007 I have been working at a small blue collar business for a real SOB. I can't stand this boss/owner but I am terrible anxiety to leave. I'm divorced, live alone and I can't take the chance. I've seen too many places that I thought were doing well either have layoffs or go out of business. So yes, it's a real struggle to have to put up with an over demanding, uncompassionate boss day after day and feel helpless at the same time. And no retirement for me, I'll have to work till I literally drop dead. To answer your question how do I do it? I self medicate every night.
  11. The pain and suffering you're going through sounds pretty bad. My wife of 10 years and I recently divorced after 3 rocky past years. We tried and tried but we imploded. Even though the marriage wasn't working (for her or me) I miss having her in my life as she was my closet friend and we shared all our good and bad. Now I'm alone and sad and miserable. I just feel a huge void without her. Stay as strong as you can.
  12. If you're battling depression and anxiety (and if you're here you must be) you know what I'm talking about. All those happy pictures that friends continually post that make you feel much worse than you already do. I have no "life is good" pictures to post so the last thing I need to see is one after another from people that have 'normal' happier lives than I do. I've already stopped following several people that continually post these type of pictures and/or posts and I'm close to pulling the plug on FB completely. I just can't take anymore...
  13. It's an really awful feeling when you feel that your best days and best times are all behind you and all in the past. That is how I feel all the time. I continually dwell in the past because I feel those good memories are all I now have left. 55 year old male, twice divorced (second recently). Alone, depressed and living like a 'walker' from the Walking Dead. It's funny how my so-called friends all avoid me because they can sense I'm suffering from depression. My phone never rings anymore. Anyone else experiencing this with people you were once close too?
  14. Synth

    Regret

    Mark, although my story differs from yours, I can surely identify with how you must be feeling. I got laid off from a good paying job in financial services 2006 when I was 46 years old. I got this news when I got back from my honeymoon. So that was how my second marriage started and I never recovered from it, mentally or financially. I could not find another comparable job in my industry (the only one I ever worked in) and at almost 48 years old I had to take a survival job for half the salary I had last made. It was a devastating blow to my self image and I fell into a depression that has only gotten worse. My wife left me three years ago. I'm now 55 and still working at this job and barely making ends meet. What gives me even more anxiety is the fact that due to one bad mistake I made many years ago, I will never be able to get another decent paying job again if or when I lose this one, so I'm trapped here. There isn't a day that goes by that this reality doesn't occupy my mind. I have no parents to fall back on so I see homelessness in my future. This may or may not ever happen I know, but that doesn't stop my anxiety or depression from suffocating me on a daily basis. I wish you luck.
  15. I too am suffering with anxiety and depression due to my recent divorce, my second 15 years apart. I was still relatively young during the first divorce so I didn't fall apart the way I am now. I was a different person then, I had faith and confidence. Two feelings I no longer possess. With two divorces and a low wage job (that's a another story) I consider myself a failure at life. I know I'll now be alone the rest of my empty life and I love to beat myself up on a daily basis for ending up this way. I miss having my ex wife in my life and I miss her companionship. I made some bad decisions and I have regrets that I can't get past. In addition to the recent divorce, my very elderly mother is slowly dying before my eyes. This is a one two punch that I can't mentally handle at all. So I've lost the two closet people in my life. I understand that life has it's ups and downs but when am I going to see an up? I haven't had one in almost a year. What hurts the most for me is knowing that my happiest days are all in the past and I miss them so much.
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