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stardreamer

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Everything posted by stardreamer

  1. Been dealing with a pretty persistent feeling of melancholy. It has been better than some other stuff I go through, because for the most part there was just that feeling and I wasn't crying. But yesterday was my day off, and even though I kept doing "fun" things, like playing a game, they didn't produce a "happy" feeling, and that sense of melancholy just stayed. I was off all day yesterday, and never really managed to feel happy or relaxed. If you can't be happy on your day off, when are you gonna be?? is what i'm thinking. it kind of made me worried because there was no alleviation to this feeling. I just felt kind of numb. After several days of this, just woke up feeling really like a pit of despair. It feels like so many parts of me have been lost. And I don't know when I'm going to get them back. It's like I can remember happier versions of myself from a long time ago. And versions of myself who had more get-up-and-go. But those are gone now and only this version of me is left, the one who spends all her time trying to rectify her mood using food, vitamins, meditative practices, exercise, and lots of other methods. The one who spends every single day saying well at least I have to try to do something productive today, and doing it. But this existence just goes on and on and on... I guess because I haven't really figured out how to actually solve any of it permanently it just seems like this unending spiral. And I really want to know when is it going to end?? When is it going to start resembling a life worth living. Because right now it's just, I don't know. And I know I shouldn't be complaining because I still have a roof on my head and am not having to beg on the street. At least there is that. But I just don't feel happy and I don't feel like there is any future to me that doesn't involve basically being a slave to get money, and I just want to feel like a normal person. I want to feel joy, I want to feel like my life isn't doom. But I don't. I just sit here with the tears rolling down my face, not knowing if this is ever going to get better, or how to make it get better. I feel like some just weird version of myself that belongs in the mirror universe or something. How can I get out of this sucky universe I'm in to a place where there is actually something good happening. I really want to know. I want to feel like there is something worth doing in my life, that I'm not just doing because I feel like I have to. I don't know where my happiness has gone or if it will ever come back. There has to be more to life than just trying to correct your mood and forcing yourself to do things you don't like because you're afraid of being on the street. If this is all my life is, I just feel like a train at the end of the track that has derailed. I need some kind of success, some kind of light at the end of this tunnel, some kind of something. It's like there are no rewards in my life... even if I keep doing these things it still stays at the level of 'struggling every day to barely eke by', there is no reward in sight, there is no end to this. If I felt like one day I would have a different future, or if I felt like one day something good is going to happen maybe I could do better in this. But this just goes on and I just don't know how much more of it I can take. My life feels completely meaningless and I wish I could be the happy version of myself, I wish I could feel like there was some good future ahead of me. but I don't know where such a future would be coming from. And I'm tired of cooking every single bite of food that I eat because that's the only way I can afford enough food not to starve. It's like even on my days off, they are not days off because I still have to cook or something, that is what happened yesterday. And it's like, get up, brush your teeth, shower... I do these things because I have to. I make myself eat because my body doesn't function if I don't eat. Probably 80% or more of my day just consists of making myself do things I don't care about whatsoever. It just feels like this is so messed up, why do I have to live this life that is just about forcing myself to do things, and never being happy. But I don't really know what would make me happy. Other than switching out into someone else who doesn't have all these problems. Anyway I will stop bi*ching. Thanks for listening.
  2. wow those pics have got it spot on sometimes
  3. I agree with you, yes people should be up front. But it doesn't always work that way. There are a lot of people (men and women) who will say just about anything other than the truth in terms of social engagements, why they aren't going, etc. There are people who will say "yes" automatically every time because they think this is what they have to do to be socially acceptable, even when they know for sure they aren't going to go, etc. But, people also get sick too. So there is really no way of knowing what the deal is right now. If you have 3 more dates scheduled and she says she's sick or makes an excuse every single time, then yeah something may be up. But she might actually be sick. With depression it is so easy to just worry incessantly about stuff that hasn't actually happened yet, I would try to let it go and think about other things for now. Hugs to you. And even if you're 90 there is no guarantee people will be mature adults!! lol. Although people may have laid down a lot of the bullsh-t they were carrying around when they were younger, like caring less what people think.
  4. hi didi. hugs to you in all you are going through. i know it is tough to leave an abusive situation. i went through abuse for many years, and during most of that time i didn't even realize it was abuse. eventually i realized this was not a nice person and that i was being harmed by staying, and i left. you can leave too. you are already aware that it is an abusive situation--that is good. awareness is the first step. you are already getting help in therapy, that is progress too. it will be good to ask your therapist what specific progress that you have made, you may not realize the ways in which you have made progress. you already know you need to leave. that is also good. you are so stressed out by being in this situation... i know it seems stressful to stand up to them and leave, but let me tell you this: the day i left was probably one of the most important days of my life. it was the day when i stood up and said, i will not allow you to harm me anymore, i am worth more than that. you are worth more too. and i must say, getting away from an abusive situation improves your life drastically. your life will improve so much, and you will start to feel at peace with yourself. huge improvement by doing this. the fear of being alone, etc. pales in comparison with the good things that leaving will bring. it is always better to be alone than to continue in an abusive situation that is causing you stress and making you anxious. the day you leave is the day you start to say yes to yourself, and yes to having a better life. i did it, you can too. it's just up to you to decide that you deserve to be around people who treat you well. decide what behavior you are willing to take, what behavior you are not, and take action on removing the unacceptable things from your life. i know they are your parents, but sometimes parents don't do a very good job with their children. it is not a crime to want to get away from them, and you are not under any obligation to interact with them at all, in reality, regardless of anything they may say to you. You have the right to leave, especially when the situation is abusive. i know it's scary but there are so many rewards. think of leaving as giving a present to yourself: the gift of having a chance to start an outstanding life.
  5. Yes, the EFT, you might have to run through the tapping cycle a couple of times but most of the time it does help at least reduce the level of what's going on.
  6. Was melancholy earlier but am more or less OK. "Just melancholy" is a lot better than the other stuff that happens sometimes, so it was a relatively good day lol. Trying to wind down from the long work stretch and emotional rollercoaster that were the last couple of weeks. It sort of feels like I forgot what it was like to relax. My brain keeps telling me "go do this chore" "go do that chore", "be productive", lol. And I did various things tonight that were productive. But it's Friday night and it's almost time to sleep and it's probably time to stop the productivity machine, at least for now. I gave myself a haircut tonight. Sometimes it makes me feel a little better to do that, less burdened.
  7. lol yeah, it definitely heightens their desire to go out because if you go out there with them then it makes them think it's allowed.
  8. I would wait until I am in an advantageous position to give the reveal. When you are holding the entire deck, it doesn't matter what their thoughts are on the matter. Of course there is always the possibility that the person is a psychopath, in that case you might want to be packing. I don't know. If it was me, I think I would just stop interacting with the person. If they keep persisting or ask why, then I would say something. If asked why, it might be better to just put it off as "you changed your mind" etc., and not tell them you investigated them and found out they were lying, because this is a fairly serious-level confrontation. If they lied about something so easy as where they work, what else would they lie about. They might even deny that is true, or try to make it sound like you were bad for investigating them, to shift the blame. I would try to not be alone with that person, ever. Always be in a public place.
  9. No guilt. You have put up with 10 years of that man's sh-t that has been harmful to your mental state. There is no reason for guilt. You standing up for you, is a good thing.
  10. Hello. I didn't find any info on DF about this, so I thought I would make the post. There does seem to be some correlation between vegetarian and vegan diets and higher rates of depression/anxiety/somatoform disorders. I can't post external links here, but there are a lot of sites talking about this. I thought I would post a poll, and maybe we can get some data on here... I wonder how many people on here don't eat meat, and if their symptoms first appeared or worsened after they started doing this? How has eating meat or not eating meat affected your mental state? Please discuss. Personally I have been going through various stages of being a vegetarian and only eating eggs and fish for a while now, and I never had this level of depression/anxiety before this... I am starting to wonder if it's possible that these are caused by not eating meat. It would really suck if that was the case. I think it may be something worth exploring. Here is a list containing vitamins/nutrients that people with depression/anxiety may be low in, and nutrients, etc. that may tend to be deficient in vegetarian/vegan diets, so it's a place to start on this issue. Reduces anxiety/depression: Some level of red meat (pork/lamb) may be a factor in reducing anxiety, not just chicken/turkey *Fish consumption linked to reduced anxiety Dark leafy greens Avocadoes Garlic & onions together Walnuts Beans Seeds Various sites indicate that deficiencies in any of these nutrients could accelerate or worsen depression/anxiety: Zinc B vitamins, Folic acid, B12, riboflavin (B2) Omega 3 fatty acids Vitamin D Iodine Calcium Iron Tryptophan Creatine Choline Lysine Protein Helps anxiety/depression to avoid: Caffeine (The problem is that caffeine has been shown to inhibit levels of serotonin in the brain. I think that tea may be the best form of caffeine because of the mood-improving theanine... it may not have those effects.) Dehydration Alcohol Sugar Having too-low cholesterol
  11. Finally got a couple of days of mostly R&R after my 10-day-straight work stretch. That was good because stuff was going downhill depressionwise due to lack of sleep and triggery stuff happening. I had a good couple of days, I went to see friends who were happy, it is important to go to those worlds sometimes, where people are happy and you can realize that somewhere in the world there are happy people. and you can sort of absorb some of it. today woke up anxious about something i have to do today that is highly stressful and triggering, and affects my life. i've been avoidant since i woke up today. i'm trying not to freak out but whatever. i guess i have to go try and meditate and fight the ongoing battle again, and hope for the best in the event today. i just have to be careful to not go into this being already anxious because i might really lose it during it, which would not be good.
  12. basic stuff: here are some things i have found that help stabilize the situation. 1. make sure you eat enough. it's hard to care about eating sometimes when you're depressed, but "not eating" is something that i've found makes my mental state worse. 2. drink enough water. 3. eat healthy/take vitamins. it's well-known that vitamin/nutrient deficiencies can cause or contribute to depression. so this is a good base to cover. 4. sleep enough. i can say from various instances of personal experience, that not sleeping enough definitely makes the symptoms worse. they say that serotonin can't replenish itself if you don't sleep at least 7 hours. so make sure you get enough sleep for your body to recover and repair itself. 5. meditate. this is a big one... personally i've found that "not meditating" is one of the worst things i can do. even if you start with just a few minutes a day, keep going at it and work up. this significantly helps you gain peace of mind. 6. just take a walk for like 7 minutes a day. this won't take much time and it helps in terms of exercise. eventually you can work up to something more. 7. stand in the sunlight some every day or every other day... vitamin D absorbs through the skin and improves mood. (if you take a walk in the sunlight, you can get #6 and #7 done at the same time.) I have found that consistently doing these all the time helps keep the base threshold of mood from going into a really bad place. it raises the general level of mood. and if you can do these things, then eventually you can do more. just start small but be consistent.
  13. i got this book, 'get it done when you're depressed', supposedly it offers strategies of how to do practical things when depressed, written by somebody who has gone through it. i haven't read it yet but people say it has relevant info. one part i did read about the book, was where it said, you are never going to feel motivated, so stop waiting until you do. and that made so much sense to me. supposedly the book talks about stuff you can do to make that happen. i plan on reading it soon
  14. Terrible emotions, terrible thoughts, guilt, shame, frustration, feeling worthless and like a failure, visions of doomed futures that seem like they are imminent. Every day I fight a battle against these issues/thoughts/emotions, sometimes for hours, to get my mental state in a better place. Usually I succeed and I can go about my business. But it takes a long time and reduces my productivity. Then I am OK for most of the rest of the day until I get triggered by something else. My body is just not dealing with stress anymore so a lot of things set me off into depression/anxiety.
  15. You know what, regardless of the outcome I am proud of you for doing this, for standing up and saying you are not going to take his sh-t anymore. If that guy is that bad of a boss somebody needs to know about it.
  16. Hahaha. Sounds like my morning. First thing I did this morning was step in a pool of cat puke. Slipped on it and darned near fell on my asset. After cleaning that up, I noticed that one of the cats had shat just outside of the litter box. She undoubtedly thought she was going in the box, but her rear end was pointed the wrong way. Clean up in aisle 3. And then I went to work. :verysad3: lol yeah it's always fun living with cats. my favorite is when the cat makes a stinky poo in the middle of the night and you're asleep but you wake up and are like 'omfg what is that horrible smell' lol.
  17. Somewhat anxious and somewhat, hmm. I don't know how to describe it. It's like, I went to the grocery store and I almost wanted someone to say some unwarranted rude comment to me so I could bless them out and be totally justified in doing it. lol. Nothing happened though.
  18. Hugs. At least you are still practicing your music though! That is important
  19. Oh Stardreamer, I know you're right! I've definitely thought about what it would feel like to be completely home free, as you put it so nicely. That would end it for sure, and then there's absolutely no chance of him ever getting a hold of me ever again. And yes, he is a total A-hole with a capital A, whose BS I don't need. He is definitely trying to get his nasty foot in the door again. My boyfriend last night told me that this guy, the abuser, thinks I'm weak. which I'm not... well, I can be, but that's on a totally separate topic. I don't want him to think I'm weak.... point being, I will never respond to him that's for sure.... sigh... ok, maybe I should just suck it up for a day and change my email. GRRRRR. It makes me really really mad though. He's already ruined & affected my life to a large degree. Of course he thinks you're weak... that's what they like. When I left my abuser, I told him I was going to leave, but I don't think he ever believed it. He knew for a long time, but I think he thought I was going to come crawling back to him and apologize one day instead of leaving. It did not hit him until he came back and all my stuff was moved out of the apartment and I had left the state. He left this f---ed up message on my phone, I could tell he had never thought I would leave. He thought I was weak and I wasn't. Or at least by the end I had enough gumption to get away. F--- him and the horse he rode in on. And f--- that guy who contacted you, and all abusers.
  20. I agree with your boyfriend. this guy sounds like he's just going to be a thorn in your side. think of it as a new beginning! :) Hi Mikeb, thanks for your input...much appreciated. I know this would be for the best..... I just don't have the energy to deal with it. It's going to take a half a day to do this, and I'm just downright resentful. Everyone keeps telling me this is what I should do. Why can't I just muster up the energy? I don't have energy for much of dealing with life issues these days. :verysad3: I think it's my depression.... I'm stuck in paralysis. Hoping he just goes away I know doesn't resolve it.... GRRRR... Well think of it like this. If you change your email and he no longer has any email addresses for you, and if you defriend him/block him on social media, and if you change your phone number, and if he doesn't know where you live, then you are home free. Think of the reward of never having to be anxious about this a-hole contacting you again. Think of the peace of mind! He's not going to stop. He's an abusive jerk who only thinks about himself, you already know who he is. He hasn't changed. He's an abuser trying to get his nasty foot in the door again. You don't need that BS. Half a day is probably worth it to eliminate the anxiety produced by this guy. Even if it took 1 whole day, you won't have to worry about it again.
  21. INFJ. I haven't taken the test in a long time, it's possible I've moved more toward the P spectrum.
  22. yeah... my schedule gets so messed up sometimes, especially when i have a lot of work to do. i would like it to be a "wake up at noon" "go to bed around 3 or 4 am" type thing. i don't like trying to sleep after the sun comes up, it's a lot harder. i like to at least fall asleep while it's dark
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