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Everything posted by stardreamer

  1. it's a lot easier to love, care about, and feel compassion for other people than it is to feel it for myself
  2. there are going to be a bunch of people over here in like an hour and i'm a complete mess. gonna have to do the "make it look like i wasn't crying" measures, and put on my social face
  3. just feeling really down, had a panic attack. am exhausted sometimes it's just too much being a human. i want a paid vacation to somewhere nice where i can get free massages
  4. FB has a convenient Block button. I would use it. Yeah... I may need to. After writing this entry, I wrote him and asked him what he wants from me and no response. Geez... my blocked list on FB is growing. :( I've attracted narcissists, abusers, stalkers.... what the F? I must be an easy target for these sick types, which just makes me ill to my stomach. if you want peace from exes, it's easy: delete them from your friend list. block them. just stop entertaining them as people who you would interact with. you owe them nothing, especially if they cheated on you etc. in the past. i'm surprised you haven't blocked a lot of these people already. the block button is easy, it's free. there is no reason to have to interact with people you don't want to interact with, at all. maybe it would be a good idea to revise your policy on what kind of people you stay in contact with after your interaction with them is over. you don't even have to respond if you don't want to. it looks like you keep interacting with these people when you clearly don't want to... well any message you send them encourages them, as you can see. there is no need to feel guilt about not responding, no need to feel like you have to interact with them. block block block. erase them from your life, and then you will be worry-free. go through your friend list and cull the herd, of anybody who is an abuser, who you really do not want to talk to or interact with, of people who you had some bad experience with in the past... what could be the reason for staying in contact? let go, clean it up and your worries will decrease. if you don't want these exes to keep contacting you, you have to cut off their avenues of contact. and stop responding, just don't even open the door, not even slightly. if you keep letting them in or making them think that you have any interest at all in talking to them, and leave avenues open for them to contact you, then they will do so. No response/deleted/blocked will keep them away.
  5. and i have started feeling that the key to everything is probably learning to have a better attitude about building a new life for myself. usually i see my life as this crashed, wrecked thing lying in pieces at the end of the line that i have to somehow resurrect by doing things i hate or that are very difficult. which, well on some level this may be true. and it seems insurmountable most of the time, and i have no idea how i'm going to do it, and i haven't been able to fix it yet ever, which causes a lot of stress, and more thoughts that it will not be possible to fix. but i feel like, if i could somehow get to a place where i saw the idea of having to rebuild my entire life from scratch as a positive thing, if i could see it as a chance to create something instead of "doom" etc., then maybe things would go differently. it's hard when so much of it does seem to involve things i don't want to do/don't enjoy. i don't know it's a vicious circle. but i feel like there is a helpful perspective that exists somewhere in the ether if i can only grab onto it
  6. i think that focusing too much on it being "selfish" is probably self-defeating. but suic*de itself is very self-defeating. it's the ultimate self-defeat... it is the acceptance of defeat in the face of things you feel you cannot change, which may not be a true perception of reality... our depressed brains lie to us. think about the idea that what your brain is telling you about the bad future is probably mostly lies. wouldn't it be a terrible thing to believe a bunch of lies and then do something that is permanent based on those lies? i don't like the word "selfish" and as others have mentioned, it is not useful to put labels like this on it. but yes, the more damage you cause in your wake, the more harm will be caused to others. random people you don't know could be harmed or traumatized by it, if they found you, etc. if you did it in a way where friends would find you, then your friends may be harmed by it too. Even if they didn't find you they may suffer trauma over it. it's not just about you. it's not only about other people either. it sounds like you are wanting someone to negate "selfish" as a reason not to do it, so you can increase the idea that it's ok to do that. i won't do that. and i don't think anyone else will either. i really hope you can find some peace, even if it's a small peace. please come up with some solutions that involve life.
  7. lol i love your cat profile pic
  8. yesterday my mind kept telling me that "omg bad things will happen!!!" and i was really thinking that it really would, and was getting worked up over it. But then I started observing what my mind was doing and was able to say, well this is probably the depressed mind generating these thoughts, they probably are not necessarily true, and aren't "definitely" true in the way they are being presented. had a good evening last night with a friend, and today will also be good social things, so i am happy to get a respite from my life.
  9. i also started eating small amounts of meat recently... i don't want to eat it really but someone suggested to me that my body temperature used to be higher when i was a meat eater, that i set the thermostat at cold temperatures, that when i was a vegetarian i kept setting the thermostat higher and higher, there may be something to this. still can't bring myself to eat a whole lot of meat though. i would rather be a fish-atarian. i'm restricting it to like 1 oz. a day for now, using it more as a nutritional supplement, and only getting the humanely raised-no chemical meat. it's hard to tell if the meat was a factor in my slight improvement this week since i also upped my vitamin intake as well at the same time.
  10. FB has a convenient Block button. I would use it.
  11. vitamin absorption stuff: yeah, iron, zinc, and calcium can interfere with each other's absorption. i think you need to space them at least 2 hours apart, probably the further apart, the better. and the phytic acid in certain foods, like bran, beans, nuts, and rice, can interfere with the absorption of zinc and iron and calcium too. so maybe don't take those vitamin supplements with phytic acid foods, if it's possible. magnesium: supposedly it does better in a non-acidic environment. so if you just drank a bunch of lemonade, don't take magnesium. iron + vitamin C: this is a good combo that helps iron absorb better. so take the iron pill with the lemonade. calcium: needs vitamin D. i think the electrolytes have to balance each other somewhat (magnesium, calcium, potassium), so for example if you had zero amount of one of these in your system and took a high dose of the others, absorption might not be very good.
  12. yeah there are so many tricky things. like don't take iron or zinc or calcium together... i try to buy the most absorbable forms. i didn't know about fat.... it's a complicated thing. i think fish oil is supposed to help depression too
  13. yeah i had originally planned to only start one of them at a time so i could tell what it is doing, but i am tired of feeling miserable so i just started all of them lol
  14. i have been taking vitamins for a long time, but this week i started taking more iron, magnesium, calcium, and vitamin d. i also went out in the sun 2 or 3 days this week (vitamin d), and took a walk 2 times. i'm not sure which parts of this were helping, but the depression did not take me to as dark of a place this week, the general mood threshold was higher. even when i did not exercise and wasn't in the sun, the threshold was higher so i think that some of the vitamins are doing something.
  15. Yep. Maybe not in exactly the same way you're describing, but yeah happens all the time. Worrying about everything, and always thinking the worst possible outcome is going to happen or is imminent, etc. I've learned that it isn't necessarily imminent or going to happen at all, and I've calmed down a bit over that, but those thoughts still lurk. See link to this other post I made on a similar topic http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/112514-the-bad-future-thought-machine/
  16. i am wondering why the 2nd doctor won't give you the nitrous. can you explain to him the situation and tell him you really need it? he has got to have it at his office. The 2nd doctor won't give my the nitrous because he's not certified to use it. I'm guessing it's some legal thing. None of the dentists in his office are certified. Only two specialists in their office can use it, an endodontist and a periodontist. JJ that sounds weird. but yeah ok
  17. no it is not too much to ask. but it starts with ourselves. and it is harder than you think to accomplish death, regardless of the method--it's best not to go down that road. you are here and alive for a reason. we all love you and care about you brian. if i was there i would give you a really big hug and let you cry on my shoulder. i hope you find some peace tonight
  18. i know. i feel you. i'm afraid to lie down because i'll probably pass out until the middle of the night
  19. And somehow suddenly I became an "advanced member" lol. Am wondering if there is some list somewhere about how many posts it takes to be what type of member
  20. Puzzlement. Cramps. Queasy feeling. Disgruntlement. Wondering about the future. Wondering about myself. Wondering about my life. Blah. In reality want to go hide under a giant blanky and not come out anymore, as if that was an option. lol.
  21. Hi stardreamer. If you need people despite the other stuff and come up in the middle ish on introversion on Myers Briggs (more or less) then you may rather be mildly introverted. I don't know what else you deal with but many things can make people seem like hard work when our natural state would be to find then energising. Or a moderate dose of them energising. Being in the middle score wise in general with Myers Brigs is probably a helpful thing as it is more moderate. For example I am on the extreme end of P and it doesn't make my life easier! You mentioned being quite outgoing when around people you feel safe with. I think its probably worthwhile considering if the avoidance is partially to do with other things as introversion isnt at all related to safety. Introversion has nothing to do with shyness or social discomfort and we can be extrovert or introvert and be shy or have social phobia. Or have triggers that make things exhausting. It can be so hard to separate out! Or I found it to be so.. Yeah being P is not easy in this J-oriented world. Yes the avoidance is probably related to other things. I don't think I have social anxiety, but I have been through a lot of trauma since a young age, and I do have trust issues. Also I value being real with people, and if I'm around people who aren't going to appreciate that or who want me to act or be a certain way I tend to feel like what is the point.
  22. i am wondering why the 2nd doctor won't give you the nitrous. can you explain to him the situation and tell him you really need it? he has got to have it at his office.
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