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Everything posted by stardreamer

  1. yes, this. it can be difficult to recognize emotional abuse for what it is... that is why it is so insidious.
  2. today i am feeling kind of blah. i slept most of the day... it was a good thing because i haven't gotten enough sleep lately. now i have to manage to scrounge up some food. eating is really a chore, compounded by the fact that i have to cook all meals, and that i had to stop eating most of the foods i like months ago due to health issues that require a specific diet. that's when eating stopped being fun anymore. nowadays if it wasn't required for survival i would never eat. but i make myself do it. and because money is so tight, i feel guilty for needing to buy food when i go to the grocery store. it's like, there are so many bills that are supposed to be paid that i am not paying. and i am spending money for food, it feels like i should be ashamed to spend money on that. sometimes i feel like i'm a waste of food. i know it's f-cked up, i know this is a messed-up way to think. but sometimes it's how i feel. i guess it's part of the thing of just not wanting to spend money on anything because then the money will be gone and i won't have it anymore. sometimes i just wait and wait to buy things, because once i spend the money it will be gone. i used to enjoy grocery shopping but it is not much fun anymore when you have to count every cent of it and worry about running out of food before you get paid again. sometimes i feel guilty for existing. i guess i should just be grateful that i had money to pay the basic bills this month without defaulting on anything else, and i had a little money left over to buy food, and i currently have a roof over my head. trying to feel gratitude. anyway sorry for the emo post. lol. just, needed to dump these thoughts somewhere, instead of leaving them to fester inside my brain.
  3. to the_unwanted: actually, before i read havehope's post, i was exactly thinking that your mom sounds like a narcissist. i would strongly recommend reading about the behavior characteristics of narcissists, and how they behave toward others. it's definitely toxic behavior. even if you think you "need" to be around her, she is being very toxic and it's not helping you to chain yourself to that toxicity by thinking you "need" it. what you need is to be with people who aren't doing toxic behaviors in your direction. i would really examine this... you can always find other people to be around. it's definitely worth it to get away from these types of situations. i know society etc. try to make it sound like people "have to" stay around their family no matter what they do, but in reality this simply isn't true. sometimes the family's behavior is really bad and is harmful to be around. there are no "have to"'s.
  4. yep i know how you feel. many of us with depression feel this way. advice... although i just want to hide under a blanket and not come out most days, if i live like this my life will just get more wrecked than it is now. just make what effort you can make... it's not easy. try to do as much self-care as you can... cut yourself some slack. realize you are going through some tough things, you can't expect yourself to do/feel the same things as other people.
  5. lol we are not tired of hearing your voice
  6. f-ck doctors. i'm sorry about your grandma. hugs to you
  7. lol name her what you want. it doesn't matter if other people disagree
  8. yeah i know, i get that too. but ultimately we have to realize that our brains are lying to us on this "you can't do it" crap, and we need to get above it, even if it's one step at a time. if you moved out, it wouldn't mean that "you can't talk to anybody"... you can of course talk to anyone you want to talk to. you just won't have to deal with the family problems being in your face 24/7.
  9. definitely not underweight, i have lost a lot of weight since doing the above diet but it would still take a pretty long time to lose the rest. i would love to be able to go in and test for vitamin deficiencies but the funds are not available so i have to make do with what i can do myself (reason i suspect vitamin deficiencies is i think my stomach flora may be out of balance, it's possible i'm not absorbing nutrients as well as i used to. i think this started with the lactose intolerance that cropped up suddenly several years ago. taking digestive enzymes has seemed to help)
  10. bathing in cortisol, geez. :S i changed my diet several months ago... it's about as healthy as it can get really, only whole grains, not carb-heavy, no dairy, protein at every meal, nuts/seeds, no processed food, no sugar, no coffee (although i still drink black tea maybe once a week), haven't had soda in years, i try to make sure i get enough protein, eating fish or eggs every day plus beans/rice, and now very small amounts of meat. lots of vegetables at every meal, some raw some cooked.
  11. ditto about the lactose. i used to just take enzyme pills and eat a bunch of cheese etc., but several months ago i stopped eating dairy completely, and my body was so much happier, i lost a lot of weight
  12. yes me too. i was basically conditioned to the idea that not having emotions was the way it was supposed to be, and that any time i expressed emotion it was childish... it took me a long time to stop apologizing to people for feeling emotions. i always felt them... but i am sure i used to suppress a lot more emotions, which eventually came out over time, not a fun process
  13. yes, the NF part of it (and really, the I as well) are not in question. definitely not a T. the I... i guess i am used to being alone since i was a child. i had to spend long periods of time essentially by myself (and also in situations where there were only adults around and i was expected to not bother them) and learn how to amuse my own self since i was a little kid. so i guess in a way i am used to the solitude. i like having the solitude and honestly most of the time i just don't want to be bombarded with the energy of the world. so i like to be alone. still though, having depression there are times when i am very glad that there are other people on the other side of my door who i know, who i can go talk to without making too much effort. it's nice just to know someone is there even if i don't interact with them that day. i used to not feel that way... during the first year when i lived with people for the first time in a long time, i was basically freaking out and couldn't really handle the fact that i could never get completely away from people. now i'm more used to it, it has taken a while though. there is something about being in your own space without interference from others that is relaxing.
  14. welcome to DF. i hope you find something helpful here--there are lots of good people on this site.
  15. i understand... it can be hard to be around people, especially if they don't know what is going on with you and you feel like you have to act at least somewhat "normal" around them. but, i have found that it has relieved some of my tension on this issue to tell at least a very summarized or redacted version of things to people i am very close to, only the ones who are likely to understand. that has sort of smoothed some things over... even though they don't fully understand what is going on with me, they at least know something of a gist of it, so when i am doing things that might seem odd, they have some idea of what is going on, and don't have as many "normal" expectations in my direction. it might be something worth thinking about, for close friends, if they can handle hearing about it and still be supportive
  16. Sorry you're feeling so horrible :verysad3: yes, it is easier to care about others more.... you need a big hug. Sending you lots of hugs & hope your night finds something more positive for you, even if it's a smile from another that can make even the smallest difference. thank you for your nice post. it ended up being pretty fun to see people, that was good. unfortunately i think what prompted this day's woes was dealing with my problems + not sleeping enough (waking up randomly after only sleeping 2.5 hours, and then not being able to go back to sleep at all) + not eating enough on the same day, i try hard to make sure i sleep and eat enough because i know my mood is affected if i don't, but today was fail in terms of that. it proves again that i have to be really careful about it, to keep the mood threshold higher
  17. online dating sites can be very good, but they can also end up being triggery. hugs to you
  18. the weird thing is, a really long time ago when i hadn't really "found myself" yet, when i was basically absorbing the energy of some people i was around at that time, i tested as ISTJ, on the real, paid version of the test. like 10 years later, it was INFJ and i think that was way more accurate. it can definitely change over time
  19. thanks orso. yes, i have noticed that stuff seems better when i ate fish. recently i introduced very small amounts of non-chemical, humanely raised meat into my system... i kind of feel guilty about it because i'm used to being a fish-ovore, but it might help my health. i suspect i have some nutrient deficiencies that may be contributing to the depression. stuff improved slightly lately but i was also taking more vitamins so it's hard to say about the meat whether it's helping or not. i'm going to try it for a while at the very small amount level. i don't want to go back to just gorging on meat... i don't think that is me anymore. i'm considering it like a nutritional supplement
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