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Everything posted by jsv121

  1. I hate everything. F this self indulgent bulls*** journal. Everyone pandering BS in this FORUM. Nothing changes. Just ignored and expendable. No matter what I put out life just keeps shoveling ###### in my face. Tired of this bulls*** life. I HAVE NOTHING! I HATE EVERYTHING. Al those friends that abandoned me. ALL THE LIES! ALL THE ******* LIES! MY COLLEGE PROMISED ME A EDUCATION AND FOR WHAT!? MY career is derailed no life no joy for living no love no nothing! I just want to exist if all I have left is servitude to the almighty dollar. No art. no happiness. everything I ever worked for is dead. I wish I was too. **** YOU! ****!
  2. I hate the world.

  3. all the love in the world - NINE INCH NAILS
  4. I think there is a separation for people when it comes to talking to others about depression. Maybe this person your reaching out to doesn't know how to respond. That lack of reply might come off as callous. I can also understand that there lack of response can put you out but you have to try to understand this other person may not have feedback for something your stating hence the lack of reply giving the benefit of the doubt. Its hard to impose content on someone that they might have no knowledge on, so the best way to receive honest feedback might be a is to go to someone who would know best how to help you. You might consider a profession therapist or some type of counseling service to accommodate your needs. I hope you find some relief.
  5. I feel as if I am dulling. Creatively, mentally, I feel every aspect of my life is dilapidating. I found myself mispronouncing words, misreading email, I feel tired and fatigue all the time. I feel mentally slower. I only come feel coherent when I am playing a game. My life feels like I am not participating in it. More like I am third party to. Nothing interest me. No encouragement. No friends. Boredom. I resent the world. Like I was owed more than I got even though I put the time in. Tired of life being this way and I wish it would either hurry up and end or let something finally happen. My efforts have been so fruitless. Just want some deus ex machine to come and change my life sense its seems I have no way to do so with my own hands.
  6. feeling concealed from the world

  7. Terraria (xbox361), and valkyrie profile lenneth (psp) : )
  8. Your first suggestion about meetup.com are great way to meet others in your community and are fun diversions. Maybe even consider volunteering in your community like in shelters and soup kitchens are interesting diversions and benefit less fortunate people.
  9. who gives a sh*t about me.

  10. Note to self: pick up packages. Get Groceries.
  11. watchdogs(xbox361), Terraria (xbox361), Super punch out (snes), Sector Z (nes), mostly Terraria this weekend : )
  12. I hope things get better for you. : )
  13. jsv121

    Entry 26

    Spent the weekend playing video games alone in my room. It was a fun waste. I didn't feel compelled to do any human interactions. I have put some much focus on making friends and meeting women it feels forced. Lonely but not so much that I want to go out after a long week of work. I have things to do but my motivations is gone. Tired. Maybe things will get better. Maybe not. I told myself that I would do Halloween this year. I got a nice costume lined up and saved up to go to a haunted house. I would like to go to a rave or some dance party and meet some people. I don't know. My expectations are higher than what going out actually yields. Bored. I expect to be most days. I can feel the boredom behind my eyes. This endless cavalcade of mediocrity daily. Its exasperating. Most days I don't want to wake from my sleep. My dreams are better than my reality. I can remember a time when I mattered and the world hadn't left me behind yet.
  14. I can't say I know anyone here. When you make a post on the internet that information is a matter of opinion. Speaking in a public forum you put yourself out there for better or worst. Though personally speaking, I don't know you, but I hope for the best for you. I am depressed miserable individual. I'm alone and friendless. I have a small meager life that on the surface seems rather unimportant. I feel as if I am nothing and it doesn't matter how much I write or expose my inner feelings. That one day I will disappear and will become that nothing I always feared I will become. But I hope and feel genuine empathy for those who are afflicted with depression. That common ground makes me wish that those who suffer alone will find something in there lives that brings them some "Joie de vivre". That one day they will be able to supply there own light. If its possible for those people to find some measure of peace then maybe I have the possibility to have some happiness for myself. From one human being to another I don't want you to fail. I wish for your happiness.
  15. Everyone has there break point, I can understand that. This life can be a real slog. Like anything you do in service towards moving forward can feel futile/meaningless. I'm not one to prescribe to optimism but I can't be a complete pessimist either and although I don't know it, there is something worth living for even if you can't see it with your current perspective. I see "taking your own life" as a self indulgent act. A permanent solution to a temporary station. There is an alternatives, you have to steel yourself and find a solution. I implore you to seek help/counseling/if those feelings become overwhelming. There is something worth living for on the planet. You not alone in your pain and loneliness. Talk to friends/family if that is an option, or outreach to the online community, anything that keeps you alive. I don't know you, but I hope things get better for you. I hope you find some peace.
  16. shadowrun dragonfall is todays game : )
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