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pinkgirl22

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About pinkgirl22

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  1. Thank you both... it is so hard to navigate adulthood especially when you have a lower self-esteem...
  2. Also, on the extra note, for some part I realize, at time I was the one maybe wanting too much of their attention or time but once you tell me ok, cool down-I have no time, I respect it. I just wish they were slightly less strong so I could have an actual chat about my feelings, childhood and why at times I was 'needy'-like I needed them too often(in the past, now after therapy I realized, for a part I was needy bcuz I wanted them in my life, but another 50% of me texting them, was that I wanted they approval..and they are so strong, they just don't get someone can be so sensitive...) I guess, my childhood is a lot to blame, but at the same time trying to judge me constantly as if there is something wrong with me, is not quite right... After all, some 'strong' bullying kids have done this damage to me...
  3. Hello,  I don't know where to start. I have/had 2 friends... both of them important to me. In the beginning it was fine, I knew they were very vocal and 'strong' people but I admired them for that and you know...I cared for them, we met through work, used to drink together, used to have some chat. There were a few indicators they were too much for me but I was young, on a lonely side(never had too many friends, I was bullied as a kid and a lot of different things followed, that affected me physically and socially) and developing a friendship meant a lot for me. I mean, there are plenty of other circumstances around to meeting them and how our friendships developed. It is about both, how I am and how they are. I guess, they don't mean to come off so strong but for me it is too much.... It has been going on for awhile, me feeling not quite ok around them. I just don't know, I have know them for longer while and it felt wrong to end it. But some things happened and I just felt like hitting the wall. Like I can't stand this anymore, because I feel skipped over and some of things I say are ignored. I mean, it feels they always must be right and I am young and stupid-one of them said it to me. It has been like this for awhile-I was both ignoring it and thinking-maybe they are right. Because of my childhood etc I felt maybe they were right. Then-I spoke to my other friends and I observed my behaviour around others-it was different. I felt more respect, more even relationship and I acted differently. I understand relationships are not easy. But do you feel there is point in fighting for this relationships? I mean, one is broken completly.... I just put together sum of events, not nice things I heard from her. Other-I am ghosting my friend. I feel mentally drained and unable to read messages she sends to me. Not mature on my side, but I fear-what else negative and putting me down will I hear? I am not saying I am perfect myself. Sometimes I can hurt or say things that hurt. But I don't do it all freaking time to the same person... I appreciate advise, or some suggestion on how I can improve my life as I am younger. But at the same time, it is sort of emotional abuse to constantly tell me, I can't do something, that I don't know how to do this or that.... actually, my life spiralled down since I got close to them... I feel like they are using my not easy past to take advantage and keep treating me like I am an idiot without my own mind or ability to do things on my own. I know where I can improve myself and how I want to do it, but with constant abuse and 'over-watching' me it is impossible... Any advice? I feel obligated to read my friend's message... but I am still scared. I know why. Message can't hurt me or trigger fear inside(like it has place, when done verbally from both of them). The thing I realized is that whatever I do, I do it always wrong. Right wrong, Left wrong. Even if they do exactly the same thing, the same way-they will find something to attack me for(not literally attack, but they will use words game or the fact they 'know better' to abuse me)... I want to escape from this before I take any more damage. Also, please don't feel sorry for me. I had a wrong imagination of good friendship due to being too loyal and nice, and I take a payback for it....
  4. Mixed feelings. I feel I am failing at Uni due to being emotionally drained(and Uni didn't do it)...Well, I think I studied enough to pass but still... I know my abilities, and I didn't give my 100% for many reasons. Meds are helping but I need time. Comparing to how I felt 6 weeks ago there is a massive improvement. I lived past 6 weeks in a new place and I am much happier. Looking forward to future, I can't give up now...
  5. Awwwm don't worry about test results. It is just a goddamn number. It doesn't make you stupid at all... Looking at the test this way is like comparing the ability of fish to fly... and they are people who suck at school and yet, they are decent human beings. It is all in your heart that matters... Don't ever let people step on you and bring you down. Don't bring yourself down. We all have better or worse days. I had a tough year, I feel I may not pass at Uni... Am I scared? Yes because I know how clever I am. I just can't help tot he fact that some things over past year drained me... I feel bad, drained.. taking pills and asking why can't life be simpler? But hey, ears up! Life is amazing and you can bounce back! Everyone have a beautiful soul and their own worth. DOn't be your own enemy!
  6. Hello, I don't know where to start. I have/had 2 friends... both of them important to me. In the beginning it was fine, I knew they were very vocal and 'strong' people but I admired them for that and you know...I cared for them, we met through work, used to drink together, used to have some chat. There were a few indicators they were too much for me but I was young, on a lonely side(never had too many friends, I was bullied as a kid and a lot of different things followed, that affected me physically and socially) and developing a friendship meant a lot for me. I mean, there are plenty of other circumstances around to meeting them and how our friendships developed. It is about both, how I am and how they are. I guess, they don't mean to come off so strong but for me it is too much.... It has been going on for awhile, me feeling not quite ok around them. I just don't know, I have know them for longer while and it felt wrong to end it. But some things happened and I just felt like hitting the wall. Like I can't stand this anymore, because I feel skipped over and some of things I say are ignored. I mean, it feels they always must be right and I am young and stupid-one of them said it to me. It has been like this for awhile-I was both ignoring it and thinking-maybe they are right. Because of my childhood etc I felt maybe they were right. Then-I spoke to my other friends and I observed my behaviour around others-it was different. I felt more respect, more even relationship and I acted differently. I understand relationships are not easy. But do you feel there is point in fighting for this relationships? I mean, one is broken completly.... I just put together sum of events, not nice things I heard from her. Other-I am ghosting my friend. I feel mentally drained and unable to read messages she sends to me. Not mature on my side, but I fear-what else negative and putting me down will I hear? I am not saying I am perfect myself. Sometimes I can hurt or say things that hurt. But I don't do it all freaking time to the same person... I appreciate advise, or some suggestion on how I can improve my life as I am younger. But at the same time, it is sort of emotional abuse to constantly tell me, I can't do something, that I don't know how to do this or that.... actually, my life spiralled down since I got close to them... I feel like they are using my not easy past to take advantage and keep treating me like I am an idiot without my own mind or ability to do things on my own. I know where I can improve myself and how I want to do it, but with constant abuse and 'over-watching' me it is impossible... Any advice? I feel obligated to read my friend's message... but I am still scared. I know why. Message can't hurt me or trigger fear inside(like it has place, when done verbally from both of them). The thing I realized is that whatever I do, I do it always wrong. Right wrong, Left wrong. Even if they do exactly the same thing, the same way-they will find something to attack me for(not literally attack, but they will use words game or the fact they 'know better' to abuse me)... I want to escape from this before I take any more damage. Also, please don't feel sorry for me. I had a wrong imagination of good friendship due to being too loyal and nice, and I take a payback for it....
  7. Hello again, I am back here. Again... always. With new experiences, good and bad... So many things happened in my life since I posted last time around 3 years ago. I went to therapy(almost 2 years) which is extremly helpful. It made me face my past, my own issues and lack of boundaries. It helped me realize I am not such a bad human being but I struggle to do quite a few things 'normal' people do... -I struggle to stand up for my own beliefs, goals and desires...(especially to abusive or strong people). The amount of fear I have and feel, especially when someone rises their voice at me, makes me freeze and leaves me unable to respond at times....I also realized it depends on me, who I let into my life and I have a choice. I can surround myself with people who treat me as a 2nd category friend and don't even listen to my needs or don;t respect me. Or I can be with people who respect me, listen to my needs and put in their amount of work to make things work. -I can't settle boundaries in a real life relationships/friendships and I allow people to use me badly.....when I am under their pressure I am not able to say 'no' for some reason. Usually it backfires and leaves me emotioally exhausted and unable to care anymore...not because I don't want to but as I realized, when people make you feel like a failure-you stop to care...you stop to respond...there is a thing in psychology called 'toxic relationships/friendships' and we don't realize how easy is to get caught up in one. You ended up caring for someone who don't care for you...you try more than the other side and yet, you are told to be not enough/or that you do everything wrong.... -In terms of relationships, my main issue came from my childhood-lack of parents love. It brought me in adult life to look for a love in a wrong way if I can say that and I looked too much for a 'romantic love'... I also ended up falling 'in love' with people who are for some reason emotionally unavailable to me and it allowed me to stay in a 'dream' zone of perfect love... It is hard, realizing that you are 'faulty' in some way...but at the same time I am happy to realize my fault on the level of asking girls out/fancing them. 2 things happened that made me realize this and I avoided relationships at all costs bcuz of my behaviour. I am still not 100% confident to ask girls out. The right way is to do it in person and to take 'no' as a no, Or yes as yes. I expressed my feelings towards 1 girl a couple of years ago(in a wrong way, aka 'loving' too much and too hard). It made me look like(and feel like) a creep...and I didn't want to be one, but I didn't know how to act... It was first time I was asking someone out ever(I was 21).... Until today I haven't been in a relationship...bcuz of this and my physical condition... So I am facing my past-it is not easy. I wish I had knowledge I have today to avoid some mistakes. I realize it is not my fault that I came into adulthood without some important skills and values but it made my life so much harder. But I am capable to learn new things and improve myself. Not world obviously because I start to realize-it is impossible. I hear those catchy phrases all the time about making world better place etc etc-and I don't see it... the only thing about world is that it changes and we need to do our best to adapt ourselves into the complexity of life.. today is today, what will happen tomorrow? |WHat else? Therapy made me have a wider look at my life. At everything. It allowed me to realize complexity of life and how many events in my life are related and merge with one another. I realized how much 'I didn't live my life' bcuz of my physical condition and lack of social skills/relationships with wrong people. But I am ending it now. Not healthy relationships are worse than none. I kind of depended too much upon internet to have any form of friendships-because I needed, like everyone, to hear a few good words or talk with someone. Today I know, I was doing it because people that were around me, were not willing to be my friends. I get this now, once you move on in life, your perception on friendship changes. Not everyone is meant for me and not everyone will understand me. But people that will-are the best ones. It is important to have this people in life and they are the ones that help us. I also realized how cruel is to control your emotions. I had an amazing Boss for a year and she taught me when to let things go and how to be really professional. She made me sso much better person and I have changed. It is good but at the same time I feel remorse for some of times, when I didn't control my emotions bcuz of how other people treated me.-->The key is to realize, that if I let people to play on my emotions, they control me. NEVER again!! Now, with all those skills I hope to lead better life. Therapy gave me so much. I am back on low dose of antidepressant from January(I think from January-don't remember) and I had a little rough start of the year. But things are eventually getting better and I hope to be in control of my life soon. Of course, there will be always something-bbut now I know how to stop abusers from coming into my life... and how to recognize them. I have also learnt how to respect others time and personal space better bcuz things works always in 2 ways. If I want my space and time respected, I need to give the same to the other person. Which is quite hard in whatsapp and messanger era... Also-if anyone wants some good books I recommend '250 ways of saying No' by Susan Newman and 'Boundaries' by Jennie Miller. They helped me more than a lot. I don't really hope for a discussion under this post but any advices or questions are welcome. I need this post as a form of writing down my feelings, the conclusion of what I achieved etc as a written down reminder for myself, my life and goals...
  8. I think I don;t have a memory I'd like to call 'best childhood memory' cuz nothing liked that ever happened to me... but If I have to it was times we used to go fishing and I had to sleep in the tent... it was nice being close to forest and water...
  9. Hi, it;s me again... I m still walking around this world even though the pain eats my heart every single second..... I just want this feeling to be gone... I feel mistreated and misunderstood... I don;t know what else I can do? Beg for a help?? Or maybe take some drugs, drink some %% and pray for quick and quite painless death...?? I mean why......I am trying so hard but I can;t be happy... I can;t do it anymore,,, and then every time I think of suicide I worry about my funeral(if they will follow my will and if my hand written will without lawyer will mean anything to my friends and family)...so many questions and so less answers... I feel empty, hurted to the bottom and I just can;t.... its so complicated... to be hurt by people you love... you care about....sometimes they hurt me probably without realizing how destroyed I am..how much it hurts me....and I am almost begging for a death...
  10. Hairpy, Epitectus, Oscar, Lonely--thank you all.... those few words each of you wrote helped me a little bit, just reading what you wrote made me feel better in some way so big thank you.... It's not my intention to call hot line... they can't help me there. I think it will make things even worse than now. Even now I am writing this post and I feel a bit better I can sense a ball of unimaginable pain in my stomach. I don;t know how to live/act anymore. Even some of my friends understand what I am going through they're most of the time 'don't feel sorry for yourself' and be strong etc etc... I don;t feel sorry for myself. I am just so deeply hurt by so many people. I have problems with trust already and it's not getting any better. It's my dream, to be happy and serious-problems free one day. I know life ain't easy and there will be always something but now it's just too much for one person(me). I am trying to be strong but I've been trying to stay strong for such a long time and now I just feel tired and broken. Every single time I think I get closer to make my life a little better it turns out nothing is better, sometimes it's even worse....I feel like such a disaster. There are so much things in my life that needs improvement (I am not even mentioning them here) I don;t know where to start sometimes... and then such a stupid things like recent work situation make me feel even worse. Like I already don't have enough. I am stupid not to let this thing go but sometimes it;s so tough to let things go or forget... Thanks for support it means to me more than you can imagine. Now I need to be brave and change something so I can carry on with my life. Probably you will see me soon here cuz DF is the only place where I get some support
  11. It's difficult to explain but I just want to give up. I feel absolutely hopeless and hurt up to the point I can;t bear with my life. I feel suicide is becoming my only solution. My life has never been easy, always been a misery but I had some hope. Just recently things started to get worse. Past few months has been very tough for me but I survived and I thought I was going in the right direction with my life. Still with plenty of troubles and hard time but it looked OK-ish. But some recent things at work killed me and I feel like a cuz I didn't get recognition for my hard work. I don't feel appreciated there at all. I wanna change but I am very insecure with changes. Just at current place I feel so discouraged and mistreated. The worst is I fell for one of people who can't appreciate my work and it hurts even more... I don;t know what to do..... There are other problems too. I feel in general unloved and skipped. I don;t know if its cuz I had a bad childhood and missed my parents love and I am somehow damaged or if it's real feeling cuz some of my friends can;t find 5 minutes to meet?? I am trying not to ask for too much cuz I get it, everyone has own life but it would be nice to spend time with people I care about and who mean something to me.... I am here again cuz my own thoughts scare me. Every time I pass by rail station I have this feeling 'what if......' and well, I don;t need to end the sentence right? It's just like I still fear but everyday less :( I have had suicidal thoughts for a very long time but it was 'quite' normal.... cuz I didn't do more than thinking... now I observe trains, how fast they go and where would be the highest chances for 99.9% success.... I know, even writing about it is wrong and sounds wrong but can;t help it...:( .
  12. Thanks. Still bad today,., my head is like a washing machinge about to explode....
  13. Hi, It's me again. For a very short introduction I've been battling depression and my problems for quite awhile. I have OCD and always suffered from anxiety. SO I kinda don't know how to exactly explain my feelings now but I'll try....There have been very bad times when I would spend weeks sleeping, hardly eating and just incredibly weak. There have been better moments when it seemed I am on track to sort out my life. But it were honestly 'moments'. There was always OCD and mild anxiety. OCD was a big problem and anxiety too but medicines were helping with OCD and anxiety was okay-ish. But for past couple of months I thought I;ve been getting really better as I felt more relaxed, more enjoying life and everything. When I say it I mean, I wasn't fully feeling good but sorta,,,, I felt better on daily basis if you know what I mean. But for the past few weeks my anxiety has been rising and It's driving me mad. This feeling inside my head. I don't want to go further into details but it's like I can;t stop thinking, I feel like I am going to explode soon and have this constant feeling of being worried behind my head. Because my life is not easy and I can't fix thing that are supposed to be fixed, it frustrates me a lot and I feel often like crushing a wall with my head. I can't sleep recently and I have bad headaches. I feel s***ty most of the time (low energy and less motivated about my life). This is bad cuz coping with mental problems etc is bad but now I need to deal with physical effects too cuz I haven;t been in such low condition for a while. I've had suicidal thoughts recently too. I don;t know what to do. I had new antidepressants given to me not so long ago and I thought they were amazing cuz I felt really good on them. I still feel taking them makes difference but there is always this one thing, one problem that causes my anxiety and that brings me here. And I have this feeling of being weak, my head hurts and I feel like if I were in a big physical pain but its just my mind. So sorry to bother in the evening. But I am gonna go mad if I don;t hear some voices of support. :coopcray:
  14. Anxious. So anxious. Just keep breathing... everything will be okay

  15. By the way, what do you do for a living? Is there any way for you to get better job(maybe trough friends or family)? What do you mean? I know money issues are a big problem for many people on here(for me too) but try maybe to see positive side, you live with parents so I guess you don't pay any big rent. I know you probably feel not the best about living with them but maybe try to spend money on something that will make you feel better or on some extra education so you will be able to get better job and move out. I know it's tough but once you need to pay rent and everything by yourself(with bad job) there is nothing left for education or entertainment. It's just work and expenses. It's gonna make depression even worse.
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