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Shilias

Newbie
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    18
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About Shilias

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday 03/31/1974

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Copenhagen, Denmark
  1. Shilias

    Birthday

    Yesterday was my son's 11th birthday. I was so anxious the day before his birthday, that I would be sad, experience extreme fatigue and dizzy spells on his birthday and not be able to be happy funny Mommy for him on his special day. I did not cry once, and I stayed on my feet the entire day, and I felt good and happy. It was as if all signs of depression and anxiety had never excisted and/or had just vanished in to the air. I hope and wish it stays that way.
  2. Shilias

    Horrible Days

    I have had 2 of the most horrible days, yesterday and today. I have basically been in bed both days, doing absolutely nothing at all. I've been feeling completely down and out, numb and with bo purpose of being here. I feel totally in despair. It's an awful and quite frankly very brutal feeling. Suicidal thoughts have surfaced again. It is terrifying. God, I call upon you to please please help me through this very challenging time. I am desperat for your help. ❤️
  3. Shilias

    Sleep

    I have slept half of the day away, and I feel terrible. I am sad and disillusioned. Can't wait for this to turn. I feel anxiety and depression today. It sucks.
  4. So, I've had a sore throat the last couple of days, which is quite annoying, because it leaves me with less than almost no energy and motivation in the first place! Huge sigh! There always seems to be some kind of obstacle or the other. It is quite frustrating. And I had a sudden and uncontrollable cry today. I wonder when this is all going to get better and go away. Anyway, last week I started the process of sorting and clearing out stuff in my home. I'm sick and tired of having stuff around me. I want to live simple. It will take some time, but I am getting a little done each and every day. That's a positive. :)
  5. Shilias

    Sunday

    Crying spells are back, and I feel in a dark dark mood today. No energy, no appetite, no hope, just apathy and depression. No motivation to want to move on. Tough feelings to have to deal with.
  6. Shilias

    Saturday

    There has been a remarkable change in my mood since Tuesday morning. Not once since Monday have I experienced a sudden and uncontrollable crying spell. I don't know whether it has to do with the fact that I have listerned to binaural sound waves daily. I intend to continue to listen to the recording once a day. I haven't made it to the gym yet, but I hope to go there tomorrow. Fingers crossed! :)
  7. Shilias

    Birthday

    Yesterday was my son's 11th birthday. I was so anxious the day before his birthday, that I would be sad, experience extreme fatigue and dizzy spells on his birthday and not be able to be happy funny Mommy for him on his special day. I did not cry once, and I stayed on my feet the entire day, and I felt good and happy. It was as if all signs of depression and anxiety had never excisted and/or had just vanished in to the air. I hope and wish it stays that way.
  8. Shilias

    Good Day

    Thanks for your supportive comment oOpsXD. ❤️
  9. Shilias

    Good Day

    Today has surprisingly been a pretty good day. I got a whole lot of things done. And so far, everything has worked out just fine with my new tenant. I was of course a bit nervous to begin with, but he is really sweet, sympathetic and easy going, so I actually think everything is going to work out just fine. :)
  10. I've been terrified all day long, because a tenant will be moving in to my apartment. This is the first time for me to lease a room to someone. It is necessary in order for me to finance the home, I am in right now. I am hoping though, that it will bring something positive with it as well. The person I am renting the room to seems to be very nice, have a positive outlook and seems very sympathetic. I'm anxious to see how this will turn out. Fingers crossed! :)
  11. Shilias

    Despair

    God help me, I feel in despair today. Depression and anxiety is a Biotch. I worry and worry constantly. I try to tell myself to let go, let go, let go. But it doesn't seem to help. Already today, I've cried at least 5 times. God, please give me the strength to hang on. God, please give me the strength to want to carry on. Please, please hear my prayers.
  12. Faith, hope & love!

  13. I thought it might be helpful to document my journey via a journal. Therefore I have created this blog. I always feel better in the evenings, and I become hopeful. Then comes morning, and I feel miserable all over again. I can't wait for this to turn. It must turn eventually.
  14. For 2 years I was on Alprazolam every day to combat my anxiety. My psychiatrist told me they were not harmful, nor would I get addicted to them. They served me well, as I was able to live again and face life. I was on them along with Mirtazapin before bedtime and Effexor in the morning. I could cope. After a year, I stopped taking Mirtazapin. The withdrawal symptoms were tough but NOTHONG next to what I have been through lately. After 1 year on Alprazolam, I wanted to stop taking them, because 1) I starting hearing from others that they are very addictive and poisonous, and that you really are not supposed to be on them every day, and certainly not for two years!! And 2) I was on a much higher dosis than I started out with. I was taking up to 5 to 6 mg every day. I started out only taking 0,5 mg every day. So, I asked my psychiatrist for a withdrawal plan, but she said that it was not harmful for me to take them, and that in her opinion, I should just continue taking them, because she meant that I really still needed them. Then in March of this year, I found the strength to quit them on my own. After quitting them I found out that I had not withdrawn as slowly as I was supposed to. Mildly put: I have been through hell and back. Especially the first 3 and a half months after I quit them. I had every withdrawal symptom you can imagine, including severe suicidal thoughts. I cried uncontrollably several times a day. In the middle of June, I was so distraught and depressed, because the suicidal thoughts were haunting me every day, and I had gotten to a point, where I could no longer convince myself that it was the abrupt withdrawal of Alprazolam that was messing with my brain. In addition, I had no appetite whatsoever. I was loosing weight and physical strength. I felt I was loosing it all together and really I didn't want to live anymore. In the end, my sister came by and took me to a psychiatric ward. They started me up on Seroquel. I was there for approx a week. I now take 100 mg Seroquel before bedtime and 150 mg Effexor in the morning. Since I started Seroquel my suicidal thoughts have almost completely vanished. Left is my crying several times a day, my feeling of apathy, hopelessness and just utter depression. I feel there is not much to live for, and that is despite my beloved son who will be 11 next week. Although, I know it is my depression and anxiety talking, I just can't seem to feel happy or motivated about anything, and it is eating me up from the inside. Plus I literally hardly have no energy, because I have no appetite, so I don’t get enough nourishment. Today, I went to the pharmacy and bought a good deal of energy drinks, the ones you drink, if your appetite is very small. Then at least I will hopefully get some energy back, and I will know that I am getting the nutrients and vitamins that my body needs. Fingers crossed! Regarding my current state of depression and anxiety: I have to wait until August 17th for a professional opinion on my medicine, which I feel is no longer working the way it is supposed to. After quitting Alprazolam on my own, I lost all faith in my psychiatrist. I never want to see her again. At the hospital the doctors told me that she had been very irresponsible in prescribing me Alprazolam for so long and in such high dosages. Plus the fact that she had told me that I would not get addicted to them was not true. During my horrible aftermath, I have now become an expert on benzodiazepines, and I have learnt that a drug such as Alprazolam is 40 times as addictive as alcohol. I will never take any form of benzodiazepine ever again. August 20th, it will be exactly 5 months since I took my last Alprazolam, and I am still suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Not at all as severe as they have been, but they are there and I think they are also part of the problem with my antidepressants not working. I don't know. It's a notion I have. I hope though It is mainly due to a "medication poop out", which I've learned from you guys here on DF. Thank you. Now, back to the reason why I have to wait 17 days before I can get a professional opinion on my current state and medicine. I have been waiting in line to see a new psychiatrist, as there is no way, I would ever go back to my old psychiatrist. So, until August 17th, I will have to hang in there, which I have already been doing for quite a while now. For every day that goes by, I feel more and more distraught. But I just have to try to stay strong. Seeing my doctor about this matter is not an option. I tried that already. She said she would not change or do anything - that she would leave it up to my new psychiatrist. She offered me some benzodiazepine to get by on, until I see my new psychiatrist, but I have turned that offer down. I refuse to take Alprazolam ever again. There must be another way out of my misery. It sooths me to be able to tell my story here. Thank you. And God bless all of you. Kind regards from Denmark
  15. Thank you for your very soothing and helpful post. I am new here - registered yesterday. I find this site a relief. It makes me feel less alone tackling my depression and anxiety.
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