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K_Pluto

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About K_Pluto

  • Rank
    Junior Member
  • Birthday 08/11/1992

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Little Rhody

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  1. Thank you for your support and kind words HeatherG. I am going to stop seeing this particular doctor and try to find one who will work with me a little more. Hopefully this will pass and I will see it as a step forward and not a step back. Thank you <3
  2. I haven't posted in a while, but I feel like...idk what I feel. I feel horrible. I was doing alright for a while. I was put on new meds and seemed to be getting better. My husband even noticed a positive change. Now I just feel like crud. I relapsed last night and self injured. I haven't done that for 6 months. I think it was a mixture of things. My husband has been half way around the world for the navy so I've felt very alone. I haven't taken my pills in a few days (which I know is a dumb idea) because my doc didn't approved my refill request. He said I missed a visit back in November! I don't remember anything about a visit in November. Nothing was in my calendar (and I dutifully edit my calendar), I never got a reminder, and haven't heard from my doc in months. I would like to think that if I really did miss an appointment and was not in touch for a few months, my doctor would realize this and call or try to contact me to make sure I was ok. I'm getting a refill tomorrow but I am pretty sure missing my meds contributed to my relapse. But I digress... Yesterday it rained all day and I knew I was going to some water from the vent in out bathroom...ok fine...well I came home to my kitchen table and floor soaked, sketchbook ruined, and water everywhere. It came through the ceiling fan! It was the match that lit my fire...and I exploded. I began obsessively thinking about every negative thing that could possibly ever happen in this situation and beyond and had a panic attack. I was on a call with my husband when I began to freak out. I thought he would be able to help calm me, or just have an open ear, especially because he knew that I was struggling for the last few days. But when I began to rant, he said "I'm going to hang up and let you freak. Call me when you're done." and hung up. I was devastated. I know that I made him feel helpless and I felt worse for making him feel that way, but I was still mad. I felt very alone and unloved. So after a bunch of ugly scream crying, I went numb and on auto pilot and self injured. It was like a foggy mist when it was happening. Afterwards I felt SO guilty. I was doing so well. I still feel so much shame and embarrassment. I know that i shouldn't let this stop my recovery. I should just dust myself off, learn from the experience, and move on. I just feel horrible. Thanks for reading. Getting it out helps.
  3. @Natasha1 I got a small taste last month for only 3 days. I rented a cabin in the middle of nowhere in the woods. All I did was hike and do yoga and look at the mountains. I only went inside of the cabin to sleep. If it wasn't so cold at night I would have just slept outside. I have never felt so at peace in my life. It was very sad leaving knowing I just needed to go back to work
  4. Someday I would like to live in the woods for a month or two...Just go off the grid for a while with nothing but a backpack with a few essentials. I think it would be a really cool experience.
  5. I think a lot of people with depression go through this, including myself. My husband tries his best to understand but it is so hard for me to put into words sometimes that I don't think he will ever really get it. He just knows that I am really sad some days. He doesn't get that it is much much deeper and scarier than that. I think it is something that only another sufferer can understand.
  6. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for many years but only started getting help this past year. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I don't want my life to be a continuous fight. Its exhausting to struggle on a daily basis. I never really used to think of my future because I figured I would not be around for it. Now I look ahead and all I see is a fight. I fight every day to wake up, I fight to take care of my pets, I fight to take care of myself, I fight to go to work, I fight to do errands, I fight to put on a stupid f***ing happy face, I fight to make people think I am alright when I am empty inside. I fight to f***ing fake life to make others happy! I don't want to do this every day for the next 60 years. I can never see myself WANTING to get out of bed or do anything that other people do to fulfill their day. I struggle to do daily things because others expect me to. People don't want to really acknowledge depressed people, they want to see that everyone is a happy mother f***er and ignore everything negative. I am wasting my husband's life by letting him help me deal with my depression, so I hide the extent of it from him. My mother thinks everything with me is fine because I can't put her through another struggle with a child (my brother has substance issues). I have no friends so at least I am not wasting other people's time. Putting fake effort into friendships just seems like a waste to me because a friend is just another person I have to fake emotions for. Am I just going to wake up one day hearing angels sing and seeing flowers bloom and have this huge revelation that I can actually feel happiness? Am I going to walk by a butterfly coming out of its cocoon and suddenly realize life is worth living? Whats the point of living the rest of my life like I am in a war with myself? Sorry for the rambles, its just been a bit of a tough day for me...and its only 10:30a.m.!
  7. Thank you everyone for your comments. I actually talked to my husband the next time I got a call from him. He was disappointed that I was holding in so much. He gets home on Saturday and we planned to sit down and talk even more about it with each other. He even mentioned updating his resume. What made me feel the best was that he told me that he loved me more than he loved his job and that he wants to be home as well. I know that it wont be an immediate fix (nor did I expect it to be) but we are taking the right steps. Thank you all again
  8. Thank you 20YearsandCounting, I think I am going to have a nice sit down with him laying out exactly how I feel when he gets home. Even if nothing comes from it, at least he will know how I feel.
  9. I don't mind the Yoda reference lol i'm a big Star Wars fan. He has this job because they pay for his training for career advancement, which is a pretty good deal. He has mentioned before that he does not want to do this forever, just until he gets his captains license. Unfortunately, I don't know how much longer that will be. I am assuming a couple more years. I have mentioned before how I am unhappy when he is gone and I do not like being alone and each time I vent more about it, it upsets him and makes him feel bad. I can't stand my unhappiness making him feel bad, so I don't really mention the extent of my loneliness out of fear that I will hurt him too much. I am glad that you think I am not being selfish. I can't help but feel that way though...
  10. Hello all, I've been extremely upset with my feelings lately. I feel bad about feeling bad!! Anyway, I have been married for 3 years now and I have been with my husband since I was 14 years old. I love him with everything that I have and I could not imagine my life without him. Lately however I have been getting increasingly upset about his job situation. He works on a ship and is away from home for 2 weeks at a time, and then he is home for 2 weeks. Some times however, he leaves for an even longer period of time depending on where he has to go. The last stretch was 8 weeks. During this time when he is away I am completely alone. I am 4 hours away from my family and my depression has kind of limited my ability to make friends. When he is home our interaction is still limited because I work during the week from 7am until 5pm. We text and stuff, but I usually have to wait for a call or something from him when he is away because he works the night shift most times. I haven't celebrated a wedding anniversary with my husband yet because he has been away for all 3 of them so far. Some times I have to spend holidays by myself as well. I will travel 4 hours to spend holidays with my family, but then when I am there they talk about how they don't like that my husband isn't there for the holiday or (my personal favorite) they feel bad that I am alone when he is away. I have a dog and a cat to keep me company, but lately I have been feeling like they are not enough. I have been crying myself to sleep a lot. I didn't sign up for this. I signed up for a marriage, not a visitor who stops by my house whenever he can...I feel terrible for saying that. I feel selfish for feeling that his phone calls are not enough. I feel bad bothering him about my feelings when he is away because I know it upsets him. So I tend to hold all of this in because I do not want him to change jobs for me. I feel I am being so selfish, then I feel even worse for feeling selfish. He has been as supportive as he can with my depression, but I really hate talking to him abut how I am upset because I should be able to deal with this stuff. He tells me he wants me to talk to him about my feelings, but I can't burden him with this stuff. Unfortunately, its beginning to make my chest cave in. I can never be without my husband, I love him for everything he is. He is my everything. I am just so sad. Am I being selfish for feeling this way? Am I being childish for not being able to handle this situation? I guess the saying is true, "Sad is the life of a sailor's wife." Thank you for listening.
  11. Everything you have said describes my life. I have no friends outside of my husband and I am alright with it. I go out to bars with him and we may talk to the people around us, but that is usually it. We don't make friendships out of it. But to be honest it is plenty of social interaction for me. My husband has his friends he speaks to on a regular basis and I do not. When he invites me to hang with them I do and that is plenty for me. People just don't get it. For me, to try and maintain a friendship seems exhausting. I wouldn't mind hanging out with someone and talking with them and I am by no means rude or stand off-ish when it comes to social invitations, but my soft reading chair is always calling my name.
  12. Crying heavily is not a bad thing. You are trying to express your feelings. I cry heavily as well, regular tears don't seem to work for me. I will cry so loudly and violently into my pillow I will go hoarse. It is the only way that I feel some relief. Crying heavily is nothing you should be ashamed of. Are you currently seeing a professional to help with your depression? Sometimes they will offer family sessions that do not go into so much detail about one on one sessions, but the therapist will act as a mediator and help to explain feelings and emotions. This can prevent things getting ugly between you and your parents. I hope you find some relief. And I agree with Tungsten, don't feel the need to blend in...be yourself!
  13. Thanks to both of you. I keep reminding myself how I got to donate the hair and that makes me feel better. I think I will get more confident with it after I get used to the cut for a bit. It really was a drastic style change. My self esteem has always been so devastatingly low, and thinking about doing something like this gave me panic attacks. I think it shows some steps in the right direction that I was able to do it. Now I can working on building my confidence up. My heart still pounds when I look at the shaved side!
  14. So I have always had confidence issues, this is nothing new to me. What is new to me is my desire to find myself. I have decided to try new things that I like and not care what other people think because it is about MY happiness and that is all that matters. So I went to the salon. I had very long, thick and curly hair for a long time, but it was starting to bug me and the ends were dead so I figured a new haircut will be a good first step towards finding myself. I sit in the chair and tell the stylist what I am thinking. I asked for a short cut right to my shoulders but if I need to cut off another inch in order to be able to donate my hair then do it. I was also interested in a fresh and funky side cut but I was afraid I would not be able to pull it off (bone structure, face shape, etc...) but she said it would look great on me. So I did it. I cut off 10 inches of my hair and buzzed one side. I felt great leaving the salon, I felt great I was able to give a child the opportunity for a wig, and I felt great knowing that doing something small like getting a new haircut made me feel good. Then I showed my mom...she was not thrilled. At all. She yelled at me (I am 23 and live alone, aside from when my husband is home from work) and called me insulting names. So that was the first blow. So I wake up the next day, shaking off what my mom said and I get exited to style my new do and head to work this morning. I was expecting that not everyone will like the cut, that is understandable. But I didn't prepare myself well for what really happened. Everyone looked at me with a disappointed face and said "Why would you cut off all of your hair? It looked so nice on you...", implying that I don't look so nice now. The 7th person stopping me to tell me that was the final blow. I ran to the bathroom extremely upset with myself and angry that I cut my hair off. I know it is just hair and it will grow back, but I just have this overwhelming feeling of un-attractiveness and dread over what I have done. My husband is not home now (he is working) and I am going to see him Friday. He was the one who gave me the final push to cut my hair and now I cant help but feel that he is lying when he says he likes it and I will be nothing but ugly to him. This was supposed to help me find myself and be more confident, but it turned around and bit me in the a$$. I guess I wasn't ready for something so drastic. Sorry to bother anyone who read this. I sound so superficial now reading this back to myself. I cant shake the feeling of wanting to crawl in a hole.
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