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Everything posted by Follena

  1. 2 loads of laundry and groceries but man, depression is slapping me upside the head something awful this weekend. Even though my grown children treated me to a nice supper out and gave me a massage certificate. I love them dearly but I'm just numb. I'm going to doctor because I think I need anti-depressants.
  2. I made steel cut oats, and added unsweetened almond milk, blueberries, hemp hearts, cinnamon and walnuts. Felt proud for making myself a super healthy breakfast. Then I had burger and onion rings for supper DOH. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.
  3. So many medical professionals don't understand emotions, let alone sadness, grief, situational or clinical depression. I'm sure many of them bandy about these terms and freely hand out anti-depressants like it was candy, without a full understanding of mental health. That's been my experience. But I see your point, doctors can also minimize someone's situational depression and make it sound like it's just everyday appropriate sadness that all people have. I've suffered from depression all my life, but certain situations can probably give me a double-whammy of both clinical and situational depression. For example when my mother died, I was very depressed for at least two years. Quite frankly, I lost the will to live, and that's pretty over-the-top for grief. So I interpreted my reaction as over-blown because I already have depression. Situational depression is when it's short-term and related to a specific event (e.g. divorce, losing a loved one, job loss etc). But it can also be quite impairing. Sadness is just a feeling every single human being feels from time to time, but it doesn't ride them, like a monkey on their back, and interfere with their normal functioning. Whereas depression (clinical or situational) does interfere with a lot of things. The way I understand it. Sigh. I wish regular doctors understood more. My doctor doesn't necessarily understand the illness but she is highly supportive so that's good enough for me
  4. I have no experience with DBT. I just Googled it online. Thx
  5. hee hee I had to look that one up! Found this online: Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a specific type of cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Marsha M. Linehan to help better treat borderline personality disorder. Since its development, it has also been used for the treatment of other kinds of mental health disorders. I have no experience with this particular type of therapy. It's a modified form of cognitive behavior therapy and uses emotion regulation, mindfulness, acceptance to assist with interpersonal things. That all sounds good to me! And we are all so unique that different approaches for each individual sorta thing.
  6. Hi there; haven't been on this forum for a while but it's past 3 in the morning and I'm still not asleep so I thought I'd take a look. I saw your post about dependent personality disorder. I agree, not so big into "labels" but I don't mind them if it's just to help understand the cluster of potential behaviors. I can identify with the phrase, because much of my life I've felt dependent while in relationships, but I think I also have ambivalent/avoidant attachment issues because I can flip on a dime and one day be needy but the next day .. almost distant. Whichever type we choose, it's based on our childhood when we formed our relationship with parents. Even in the womb but definitely as babies and little tots ... if our own parents were wounded (and most of them are in one way or another) but if they are wounded to the extent they either ignore us or smother us, or robotically going through the motions of fulfilling parental duties, but inside feel numb from whatever pain they endured ... we don't really experience connection, intimacy and trust. I found some amazing reading online about this topic tonight, so I was actually glad to see your post. I'm glad you're set up to go see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I found a couple of groups in my city and I'm going to give them a try. I just bawled my guts out reading all about attachment disorders. I thought of my poor mom who,while she was pregnant with me, found out about my dad's first (of many) infidelities in their marriage. She told me once that she was depressed when I was born and didn't pick me up that much. I've had relationship issues (romantic, work, friends) all my life. And I think I'm finally ready to face it in therapy. I swear to God so much of my energy in life had to go into raising my sons and getting through a career ... it feels like finally now I can look at some of this stuff. Good luck to the both of us.
  7. Dear (((JC))) I have so much genuine love for you in my heart as I read your post. I have twin 29 year old sons so I know a bit about male psychology and trials. First, you have a LOT going on ... smart, educated, finishing up last year of university. You got through some pretty shady times, my friend. I'm so sorry you had that crappy experience in high school. Forgive yourself, you were young and dumb when you took that picture of yourself, as we ALL are at that age. One day I promise, you will laugh about it. Seriously, I know it's painful what those kids did to you, but you survived. You should be so proud of yourself for switching schools and finishing school, especially since you were surrounded by bible thumpers you didn't feel connected to. Wow, I'm impressed with your tenacity. Maybe to get past the sexual abuse pain, you could see a counselor to talk it all through and come to a point of sharing the pain, forgiving yourself and moving on? I understand what you're saying about the outside part you show to others, but the inside part, distrustful and in pain. Give yourself the gift of seeing someone to talk about it. You were at a tender age when it happened. An age when we are still developing in our psyche. You deserve healing the inside of your heart and soul so you can go forward in your life feeling stronger. One of my sons didn't get into a relationship until he was 26 and met his first girlfriend. I couldn't care less. There is no set time that anyone should have a relationship. I don't care if someone is in their 30s, 40s or beyond when they find their partner. Dance to the tune of your own drum. Your soul needs to catch up to the rest of you. It needs healing. That's all. And you can find that with either a counselor or a friend, or reading some books on how to get past it all. Do it all in a spirit of love for yourself. Love for this fantastic guy who at age 23 has accomplished so much. Life is long. Some say it is short. But it's actually quite long. What I'm trying to say is ... you have time. Time to heal, time to date, time to find that relationship. There is nothing wrong with dating a girl if you want. See it as an opportunity to practice being more of yourself with her. Letting down that mask and showing bits of your inside. When you determine it's a good girl, who will support you, you can even share your painful experience. A good girl will hold you when you cry, will listen to your pain, and help you smile again. You deserve that, beautiful JC. If you share a bit and see the girl is not capable ... move on and keep your sights high. Your question about depression and whether to be in a relationship ... many depressives on this site are in a long term relationships, some of us are single. The ones who are in long term relationships give me reason to believe it is entirely possible to be in a relationship while dealing with the illness of depression. People with Lupus, Multiple Sclerosis, etc are in relationships. Why not depressives? The best thing you can do for yourself, is to understand yourself. So you can explain what you feel to your partner. A good girl will go on the journey with you, if you are seeking ways to manage yourself. And who knows? Maybe once you heal from that rotten experience in high school, you will have such a burden lifted, that you may find that you don't have depression. Wouldn't that be wonderful! I hope you will go on a path of healing. I'm keeping you in my heart. You are so precious and I think good things are going to happen for you. Don't worry too much about the sad songs while playing solitaire or sitting in your car ... this is a calling card to make a plan. And you are clearly a smart guy so I know you will find the courage to heal. Much love, much courage, much admiration. Hugs.
  8. Hello Ae; first, congratulations on finishing college and having a job. That alone is cause for celebration if you have depression. Connection with others is practically the number 1 human need we all have. I acknowledge your internal pain from feeling lonely. It's the worst. We all have a little space in our soul that needs filling. Don't be deceived by outward appearances. Some may seem buddy-buddy and happy, but most of us live in an illusory world, where we fill ourselves up with distractions to keep from recognizing that little empty space in our soul. The fact you recognize you need something and are willing to feel that feeling, instead of distracting, means you are on a quest. How do you find what you need? Connecting with others gaming online is a bit limited so what about face to face? Do you give yourself enough chances to get to know people? Or do you perceive them as cozy with each other and tell yourself you don't fit in? Sometimes depression means we jump to a conclusion quickly without thinking things through. One of the best books I've ever read is Dr. David Burns Feeling Good Handbook. He addresses all the stinkin' thinkin' there is in depression and how to talk back to these thoughts. It takes practice. Buy yourself a copy or get his book through the library and practice some of the lessons in his handbook. It's cognitive therapy for free!! Depression is mostly a thinking disorder. Some of our neural synapses that give us serotonin aren't firing enough. One of my son's had an angry outburst a couple weeks ago when he accused my other son of being snobby since he met his girlfriend. He has become a bit snobby (lol), but so what? In our 20s we are trying on different identities to see what feels right. He will come back to his lovely self after he tries this identity on for a while. I suggested to my angry son he was maybe feeling insecure about himself and that he has nothing to feel insecure about ... he is beautiful. If we are secure in ourselves, we could care less what another person does. So keep the focus on self and how you think, because that is the only thing you can control. I wish you so much success in finding people to connect with. xoxoxo
  9. Hi Roadster; geez, I'm sorry for your frustrating experience with your cousin. When people let us down it's so painful. Underneath your anger is just plain hurt. Hurt that someone would not be there for you, but even beyond that, would make up stories about you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Mostly, us depressives keep our rock bottom musings to ourselves, because we've learned others just don't get it. They don't get how muddled our thinking can get because of depression. Depression is mostly a thinking disorder, the synapses aren't firing as in normal folks. An experienced person will be able to listen to your musings, your rock-bottom thoughts and feelings and they'll be able to parse out the pieces that are simply the illness talking and help you find a clear path forward. Unfortunately, most in our families, friends and co-workers are not experienced in understanding what depression actually is and how it affects us in our thinking. So they just take what we say on face-value and they become afraid and want to distance themselves. Some of them might not like being reminded they too have thoughts like you, they're busy denying that part of themselves so they want to make you the problem. My mother used to hear me, and then gently point out I was engaging in stikin' thinkin' because of my depression. She used to say depression is twisting what is a real issue into an even worse issue. She was so right and this helped me take a step back and realize my brain was being hi-jacked by illness. She'd often tell me not to watch certain things on tv because she knew my brain would not be able to process and it would affect my mood. How lucky I was that she had such insight. Back to you, my dear soul, I hope you will recognize underneath your anger, is hurt. And what can you do with this hurt? Surround yourself with those who understand depression. Share your rock-bottom thoughts with those who get it. Give yourself that gift. Because it's hard enough to live with this craptastic illness without piling the inefficient reactions of others on top of it. A person with depression has to live a rather private life, sharing only with a very select few. I know this is hard. And it can be lonely. We crave connection, understanding. Humans are made that way. Maybe this experience is a calling card for you to find the right person to share the deepest part of yourself when you get into that crazy ***-tard place in your mind. I've been pretty depressed this week, angry and impatient with folks at work. I don't know how they put up with me because I can barely put up with me. Depression takes humility. You've clearly been humiliated by this cousin who spreads untruths about you. Let her go. Cease attempts at lunch or any contact. And one day, when the bulk of your anger has subsided, you might write her a note to explain how her actions affected you when you were already feeling rotten. Or maybe you'll choose not to write her. I have three siblings, one of which I can discuss depression with since her own daughter has it also. Depression is a nasty passenger. I wish you peace and healing. Go easy on yourself and practice good things for you, irregardless of what others are doing.
  10. OOooo nice thread. I have the apocalyptic Mary on my back, crushing the serpent underneath her feet, over top the world globe. She's got him on a chain and it represents her protection of mankind.
  11. Bill Maher saying he's cheering for the Falcons at the Super Bowl ;)
  12. Spent way too much on my cut and color yesterday and today dropped another $150 on gifts for various occasions. No more spending!!!
  13. Just a little update on my sister. She is in good spirits as she awaits her MRI and CT scan to see if the cancer has spread. I cooked up a storm and brought her a care package filled with a teddy to hug, chocolate, quiche, meatloaf, hash brown casserole, broccoli casserole, jambalaya, stew, and pork chops with apples. She was really touched when she unpacked it all and I could tell she feels surrounded by love right now which is the most important thing. She said she is practicing peace and calm because that will give her better chances to heal than if she worries constantly. She is a brave soldier. My sons came over for supper and were very supportive to me which really boosted my spirits. Now that we've known for a week, this is our new normal. This week my Sis will have her test. I have to be on the road for work but I'll phone her and text with her.
  14. Oh I'm so glad you have those supports Violet, especially with your own daughter's difficulties and that of your teenage niece. Sounds like you've taken on a lot. Now I understand more about your feeling of wanting to escape it all and do something nice for yourself. Oh my gosh, I see you are in Reykjavik, Iceland and of course, it is very dark there now. The dark affects me also. I've only flown over Reykjavik but I have loved artists from there like Emiliana Torrini and Bjork. Keep dreaming about your upcoming trip to the island in southern Europe. And yes, take a long weekend to treat yourself to something nice. Hugs!!
  15. Aww, worrywart, that's so nice of you to say I made your day. I love your pictures. Kitty in the grocery basket hee hee. And you look young and vibrant sitting on your new ride! Life is good despite our struggles. Thanks for being so generous to share your experience and I wish you a happy and peace filled week ahead
  16. Hi Violet; so glad the medication has helped and that you have so many positive things, most of all a job you love and are making decent coin. I offer you my sincere condolences on the loss of your mom. You say you have mixed feelings about this and threw yourself into work. Do you think you might benefit from seeing a counselor to talk about your feelings about this loss? I say this because maybe that feeling of restlessness is something inside that needs expression? Sometimes we want to shake things up and make a big change, when really what we're doing is running away from facing something? I'm not saying that with any authority, it's just a thought. I like goincrazy's suggestion of a vacation. Maybe a retreat of some sort? Where you can stop and think about what it is you're seeking. We are such complex beings sometimes we need silence to hear what's really in our hearts. You sound like a highly disciplined person, meditation, exercise, etc. But you feel you're missing something. I wish you so much success in your continued journey in life.
  17. Hi worrywart - HA cute username :) I love picturing you getting around in your red scooter. I also love that your'e married, have cats, that Cymbalta has helped your anxiety and that you have a doctor that listens to you. All positive things! Retired due to health reasons means you can now find meaning in a different way and I think it's really nice that you're re-joining this community to find connection and offer support to others who deal with depression/anxiety and other mental ailments. It sounds like you've gone through a lot, yet come out the other side, with acceptance and dignity. Thank you for sharing your circumstances. It's inspiring. Here, you will not find anyone minimizing the effects of depression, including as a result of chronic illness and pain ! Take good care of yourself and hug the kitties and here's a hug from me
  18. Aw zzzSheepyzzz, I think you're describing feelings many of us (on this site) have. Depression by its very nature causes us to feel tired when trying to get out and about. Everything just takes more energy. Are you being treated for your depression in the way of medication or counseling? Good for you for applying for college. In terms of finding a partner, that's a big one for most of us on here as well. While it's more challenging to find a partner when we're depressed, there are many on this site who have partners, yet also live with depression. One thing I know is true. You may see couples everywhere you go, but it isn't all sunshine and roses for them either. Many couples I've met have honestly told me they have their struggles. At the end of the day, we have to live with ourselves and our own state of mind, whether we're single or partnered up. I don't blame you for feeling tired of feeling so low day after day. I give you credit for joining the art group even though it's not rewarding. You tried. I know what you mean about not sticking to things, I'm notorious for that also. Groups don't really do it for me. I'm more a one-on-one person because I'm an introvert and seek deeper connection. And I think that's what you're really looking for, is a good connection with someone. Keep reaching out and make sure to get medical help if you need.
  19. Thank you Natasha, that's really good to hear your father pulled through. I will keep hoping!
  20. Thank you very much, Gentle, Lumen and Cunning, for your words of empathy. And I"m so sorry for your loss, Cunning. I guess all we can do is go through it. Thanks again
  21. My sister just phoned to tell she has colon cancer. I was praying at mass this morning while she was getting her test. This week they will be do further tests to see if it's metastasized to any other areas and they will do chemo and radiation prior to surgery. She and her husband are devastated. After I got off the phone I just wept and prayed. She is such a good person, a fabulous wife and mother, humble, hard working and a compassionate heart. But cancer doesn't care about the character of its victims. For a moment I worried about myself, losing my mom less than 3 years ago, to lose my sister would be an equal blow. Two sentinels of sanity and bastions of strength in my goofy world, that's for sure. But now I must focus solely on her, praying and hoping for a good outcome. I hardly have heart for my Disney vacation in 6 weeks, as I don't know what her reality will be by then. But too late to cancel all the bookings. One day at a time. Please send me your courage..thank you
  22. Hi Ben; the first thing that went through my mind as I read your post was oh the tortured love of a teenager. I say that with most tender respect, as I well recall being a teen and all the emotions and confusion that went with it. Seems when we're youngsters, we just have a good time with our mates but once puberty hits, WHAM, we get hit on the upsdie with an ocean of emotion, hormones and the complications of relationships. Honestly, I think teen years is way too young to know if we're "in love" or not. Maybe some are mature enough at that age to know, but I'd say they are the exception rather than the rule. I think you might stop asking yourself the first question of do you still love her. Let yourself off the hook from figuring out love right now. That's a biggie. My 28 year old son was grappling with it a couple years ago and he finally decided to stay with his gf because she's indeed a good one, but he's very dynamic, talkative and social and he was worried she's a bit too quiet. But the good in her outweighed the bad, so he's still with her and they are well on their way to permanency. So if someone at age 28 is questioning the degree of love ... maybe don't put that on yourself right now? Sex is a tough one since hormones drive the bus for several years, especially testosterone. But again, at your age, it can really confuse things and maybe it's okay to not include that in a relationship until you are a bit older, or at very least, if your particular gf doesn't want to, just accept and don't take it as a rejection. You guys can define how you relate and no one on outside can judge that. How can you stop overthinking? As I read your post I wondered what else you've got going on in your life. Sports, hobbies, friends, school, groups, time with parents? I know most teens don't want to hang with ma or pa, but who is there in your life to ask you what is important to you? Siblings? My point is it will be easier to think less of gf if you are filling your life up with a few things. That's what healthy adults have to do, so why not start learning now when you're young? I don't know if your relationship will get better when circumstances change like getting cars. What a big world opens up once we get wheels. Either you or her could get busy in many things. Either one of you could decide I'm going to see other people. And that's okay. I think it's actually healthy for young people, including those in their 20s, to date a little bit. We're still finding out who we are at this age. How can we pick a partner when we don't know who we are? You have time, dear Ben. Loads and loads of time. Last thing I wanna say is I've seen teens feel extremely depressed if a relationship ends. Their whole self-esteem is tied to that one relationship because their emotions are on over-drive due to hormones. Please don't do that to yourself. I hope you will grow in self-worth, knowing your value and believing you are lovable. Talk to a parent, guidance counsellor or even a friend, but reach out for help if you're going nutty. And trust me when I say, most of us on here have gone nutty a time or two, and have had to reach out for help a time or two. It will all be okay. You'll look back and realise you just didn't have as much in your life at the time. Once you get busy living, you'll place a relationship as one of many things, not the thing.
  23. The calm and peace in my life right now, and all the Light I see in others on this site, at my work, in my family and friends.
  24. Everything you wrote on your list has helped me too, Gandolfication. Other ones for me are giving myself permission to do nothing being in nature and ... being with animals.
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