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StormyGirl436

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About StormyGirl436

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  • Birthday 02/14/1998

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  1. Hey everyone! For starters, I want to say that I know we’re going through tough times right now with COVID and that we’re not able to see our loved ones. I’m thankful to be living with my parents, however, I know that many (especially those older than me) don’t have that luxury. I’ve heard of cases of depression rising due to this newfound isolation and I just want everyone to try to stay strong because it WON’T be like this forever. I’m also very sorry for anyone who lost a loved one to this virus. My condolences for you and your family. Now, I haven’t been on here since I was 17/18, and I’m now 22. Unfortunately, I still have depression..and I’ve spiraled downhill. I was in the best relationship EVER...my very first, actual relationship. And I blew it because I can’t function correctly with my depression (although we talk and he is very supportive of me). My self care sucks, I can barely get out of bed, I’m extremely tired, I’m too lazy to eat, I got a dog (that I love to Pluto and back!) as an emotional support animal...and he needs emotional support too from what I see.. but I can barely get up to walk him.. I’m not going into work and I’m thankful that my manager understands my situation.. it’s..a lot. I’ve take many anti-depressants throughout the years and I don’t know if I can say they did anything. I know a pill will never be a miracle, but isn’t it supposed to help me feel better? And I don’t mean numb. I already feel emotionally numb, sometimes to the point where I don’t even feel human. As in, colors being brighter, sounds being richer...25-50% opposite of clinical depression. I see a therapist twice a week, nutritionist weekly, and psychiatrist monthly. I wanted to know what you’d suggest I do (besides medication) to help me to feel better? I’m so tired of feeling like this and I just want to be able to do things for myself, socialize instead of isolating myself, focus on my career path (acting), and just...so things that I KNOW I love, but don’t feel interested in....if that makes sense. Please help? Thank you xoxo!
  2. I agree with Frostfern, I don't think there's any advantage of anhedonia neither. You kinda miss out on life in a way. Not being able to feel anything or cherish certain moments. Some cases are worse than others. I wouldn't say you can't feel heartbreak..at least I can still feel it, considering my anhedonia is more one sided. Anhedonia is simply awful in ever way you look at it. It may seem like "paradise" to those who don't have it (I've had people say they wish they couldn't feel anything), but it's not.
  3. So, I'm pretty much done for this year. So much has happened and I feel like I'm at my breaking point..I've reached it many times, where I've had to be talked down. I lost both grandmothers not even a month apart, my grades have been slacking, of course my mood, my ability to try and do anything,prom and graduation is near...and soon freshman year of college will be too. I know I probably shouldn't be crying or upset about this but..I really am. My long distance boyfriend and I have broken up in late April after a fight we had. He always promised to never break up over this and he would help me...then he claimed he "wants me to get better and then we could get back together and work on us". Right. So basically, I've been trying to do that and he would continuously switch things up on me. We have anther long distance friend...well she's not his friend anymore. They would talk but then stopped because of me. With everything that's been happening, especially being bullied at school all the time and critiqued at home at times, I've gotten worse and worse and it has affected my relationship with him. Then again, even before that he's done stuff to me that I couldn't necessarily forget. I told him my insecurities before, and one time when we were joking, it got serious and he threw all of them in my face and used them against me...and at one point, some guys would like take my stuff and run (elementary crap right?) and I told him because I felt I should be honest with him...and he told me to leave him alone and called me stupid. That wasn't near the end of our relationship but it surely wasn't the beginning. I also suffer from Pure O and a lack of self confidence due to many heart breaks and being bullied constantly (by guys. Girls rarely give me problems. Sorry if this is all over the place btw). Anyways, recently we haven't been talking and yes, I've been crying about him..a lot..maybe too much than I should've. Me and my friend got into an argument and he came to her rescue, messaging me saying I needed to apologize...why message me at all? Four days ago, I broke. I wanted to **** myself because no matter what I do, people get mad at me and want to hurt me. Then both of them came back to stop me and console me. Then...he told me all of this stuff. From "I love you" to "You're important to me" and a bunch of stuff. Saying he didn't want to get back together because he feared he would end up making the same mistake and hurt me again. Saying he loved me but he wouldn't put me in that position again...and after being in love with each other..knowing I still had strong feelings for him...he offered to be my best friend....yes, a "bestie". Begged me to stay in his life and be his best friend..but you don't go from first class to second class and expect things to be the same. I said no. I told him how that would affect me. It would torment me even. He understood. Four hours. I felt as though there was nothing to prove. He said he never said he was moving on. Everything confused me. When my friend tried talking to him about it..he said he didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to forget it. Today, he threatened to cut her off because she even believes that he took an opportunity to hurt me when I was at my lowest. Two days ago, I broke again, but my friends helped me. It wasn't just about him though, it was everything. However, from what he was telling me..it really broke me because I care. I do love him. So today my friend tried to get answered on why he even started that or what he meant by any of that. Didn't want to talk about it. Threatened to block her. He did so much to me...just to hurt me. For what? This always happens with me and guys..and I could never understand why. I don't let them walk all over me but I do tend to love hard when I fall. He told her he was invited on a trip with this girl and her family by her mother...and he's going. I spent two hours literally crying because how can you move on so..quick? I never tried to hurt him. If anything, I tried to get better to FEEL better and also make the relationship WORK...having so much to deal with and he knew that...but now I know he did it to hurt me. I just honestly don't understand...why. Or why it happened to me..but I need to move on, but I don't know how..any ideas please? It really hard not to cry about the situation and him, especially because I'm really sensitive. This type of thing keeps happening. I don't understand...thank you. Also, this guy said I'm "obsessed" with him..merely because I'm in love with him like he was with me...obsession and love are two different things. I think I might have boosted his ego too much..
  4. So, on December 5th, I was happy to celebrate my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. But then again... It turns out my grandmother, who was in the hospital, had a major heart attack. So, my day was literally flipped upside down. I've had so many break downs.. She couldn't talk, she probably couldn't hear us, and she couldn't talk to us. I.. Don't blame myself on her demise, but I will forever carry a weight on me. Because I was too busy with college applications, school, homework, my job, and my own problems to go and see her. Even though I honestly wanted to, I couldn't because work ended late and my father wanted me home at a certain time (plus no more train fair). I just wish I could've seen her laugh..or smile..or hugged hwt..or just did something for her one last time before she left us. When my mom broke it down to me that she was brain dead and there was nothing else they could do for her, I felt so empty. It's so...unbelievable. And it makes me feel like a child because I keep saying to myself," it's not true..grandma can't die." She was supposed to see me graduate.. Spend Christmas and birthdays together.. BBQs.. and now she's gone and I can't even tell her goodbye. This is the fourth time i broje down today. I just cant believe it, she was just here. I miss her so much, I only wanted to make her proud of me. It hurts so much.
  5. Sorry I haven't been on in a while, but usually I eat string beans, spinach, cabbage, or some broccoli with mines (my parents try to make me eat corn but I REFUSE!!)
  6. After seemingly getting better from my HOCD, I've been able to think a bit more clearly and concentrate on my depression. Specifically, I've been focusing on my numbness. I can't enjoy anything ad I don't want to do anything. I used to love drawing and sketching, but I don't want to. I have no loving or compassionate emotions for anyone. I don't feel any emotions still, other than sadness and anger. I still cry a lot though. I've been thinking about how I brought my long distance bf(my famiky knows about him) into all of this and he's trying and said that he'll always be there to help me, but I can't help but cry because I don't want to bring him down with me, I'm afraid he'll get sick of me sooner or later, I'll frustrate him, I'll lose him, or he may slip back into his depression. He said before he met me, he had depression. Like in 9th-10th grade. Also, he has ADHD. Although, he doesn't have a problem with it, I don't want to cause him any distress because of this. He tends to blame himself because I started to feel numb the day after this huge argument we had. I don't blame him though, because I've been hurt many times before the argument and I kept my feelings bottled up for as long as I can remember. My main problem is the numbness has affected the way I feel about my boyfriend. Before the numbness and even a little while afterwards, I felt intense feelings for my bf. All of my friends knew, but slowly the numbness became unbearable. I know I still have feelings for him because I tend to cry over not being able to feel how I used to for him, I feel guilty about it (even though he knows), and when I think of letting him go...It makes me cry even harder. I can't imagine us as friends or as strangers or just leaving eachother behind. It hurts and it makes me sad, so that's that. I feel like I'm putting out future in jeopardy and it sucks. He has he's alright and he's not leaving me ever and how he'll help me when we're older. Yet sometimes, I feel like I deserve to be lonely and I don't think I deserve him..and I know many girls who'd love to date him. I mean, I know if I think something happened to him, I'll panic and get scared, or when he's upset or sick, I try my best to cheer him up, I feel proud when he's doing something he loves and I like when he compliments me, but I have a hard time believe the compliments. I really miss the emotional connection we had because it made me strive everyday..and it honestly was the best feeling I've had in a LONGGG time, especially since I've been bullied a loy by guys from elementary to high school. Does anyone know how to deal, manage or overcome emotional numbness? Also, how do I help my relationship? It's really messing up something I have with someone I know I love. Sorry my post is very unorganized btw
  7. Thank you so much :) soon, I'll be getting some help and an evaluation. I think I've been getting better, because I'm more focused on my depression now. Still not the improvement I want, but at least I'm slipping out of it slowly
  8. Thank you so much!! I feel a lot better. I usually don't do girly things, but I'll try it out. I do wear makeup (bb cream, eyeliner, lipbalm/gloss/stick, mascara, powder) and I'm actually trying to wear dresses and skirts more because I was told to "never wear skirts again" because I have very skinny legs. So, I haven't wore them in years, but I started to this summer. I'm also trying out some boots with a bit of a heel on it ^_^ I'll look for some headbands/clips and ribbons, Thank you again! :)
  9. Thank you, I'll try to talk to her about it tomorrow. She asked me to tell her now and she'll just listen, but I'm not ready. I'm still getting some tears out. Thank you all for your help and support! It made me feel a little better.
  10. I tried to ask her again for a new therapist and she told me to leave her alone because she's basically done with me. She said how throughout the years, I've been wanting to drag her back and forth to the doctors because I was afraid I had a fatal disease I didn't even had, and now I'm trying to drag her to different therapists and doctors, so she's thinking of sending me to a hospital to get evaluated. I tried to be calm and tell her I'm having weird thoughts, but she got loud, and now I'm just crying again. I don't know what they'll do and now my dad and sister probably know too. And I only brought her because I kept getting throughts when I was younger saying how I must have a brain tumor or cancer or diabetes or something, and I was feeling physical symptoms so I felt scared. And im scared now because these thoughts are really weird and theyre not listening. She pretended like she cared and asked what thoughts but I didnt want to tell her because she'd get loud and just downplay it all again. Now, I don't think she even wants to deal with me anymore.
  11. I don't know to be honest. All I know is everytime I go there, I was told I was over exaggerating and to not look up stuff online. I can't help it though. If something seems weird, especially in my mental mind, I'm going to check if someone has had similar experiences. I want to see a psychiatrist but I'm not actually sure what they do. My mom think I want to see new people just because my tgerapist said she doesn't recommend pills for kids and teens, and it's kinda true. I want to take them to see if I get better or maybe even some ST.John Worts pills, but I'm scared it'll make things worse for me. The last time I went, I said how I had depression and he did some sort of test..it seemed online or something. I'm not sure, but he assumed it was mild depression because of bullying, but I don't think so. If it was mild, I would still be able to feel emotional connections with people. All I can do is feel scared, sad, mad, and cry.
  12. No. At first, we all went as a family (me, my mom, and sis. Never dad). Soon, we ended up going individually. Like, I would go with my mom and have her sit out when I wanted. My sister would go alone. I assume all she talks about is how she's looking for a different job. I did as much research as I can, even when I was younger, but they all think I ober exaggerate. Even my doctor. My I don't think I am because I wouldn't be so bothered, weirded out, scared and crying all the time if I was. The last time I told the therapist...well, I didn't know it was an actual term for it at the time. Well, I tried to explain because I already compare myself to other girls, so it made it worse. All she was doing was smiling and saying," Are you sure you don't like girls?" And I wanted to yell because I felt so weirded out because I DON'T. I've never questioned my sexuality nor my gender before. I'm comfortable with both. The thoughts won't leave though. Now they're there, but vaguely. If I think," I love [enter bfbf's name here]", it would replace his name with "Girls", or it tries to make me think of girls and transgenders, or having a...male part. I still get very scared and end up crying because it makes me think it's real (I no longer feel anxious) and I get scared it'll be worse then before. I found two therapists in my area who specialize in helping people with depression, anxiety, and OCD. So, I wanted to go to one of them, but I doubt she'll let me. So, I'll try to talk her into it. Yet, she shares everything with my dad and sister so I'll hear their 2 cents too.
  13. Thank you everyone. I do feel pretty bad after saying I hate her..because I don't. I just wish she treated this more seriously,all of them. I do remember her saying that she doesn't know how to help, so she was thinking she should send me to a psychiatric ward or a mental hospital, but I don't want to go there. :/ I guess I feel a bit better after ranting and having people actually listen to me. I just don't want to stay with these mental illnesses anymore. I know the HOCD and the TOCD is giving me intrusive thoughts, but I know who I am and what I want. I only like boys and I'm comfortable being a girl, I honestly wish I was bigger and curvier. It's just that these thoughts are scary. And the fact that I don't feel anxious anymore scares me, but I do cry about it a lot, so that definitely shows me that I don't like these thoughts. I want my normal life back..but part of me thinks that I'll live with this forever. :/
  14. I'm currently going through a lot at the moment. All I can think about is how much I hate my family, especially my mother. When I was in 7th grade, I sent my mother a text because I was too afraid to tell her myself. I specifically said that I am depressed, how I've been bullied a lot at the time, and how I believe I need help. My mother ended up crying at work because she thought I'd end up hurting myself, but I didn't. To think, she would've gotten me some help. All I got was a pep talk from my father and he bought me some of my favorite snacks. I'm so ****ing mad because I had to suffer for 4-5 extra years before she actually decided that I needed a therapist. And even then, she waited. I had to bug her to get me one. Throughout those five years, and even now, I've been bullied at school for my appearance, how I dress, my body shape, how I talk, my hair. Everything about me. I told her but my parents told me the usually response from when I was in elementary. "Stop being so sensitive". At school, people have even thrown things at me, at my head, like half full bottles, to the point where my anger would spark, and I became known as," That Girl who broke the glass door". I've had d***s drawn on my book bags, been told I look like a man, been told nobody will ever love me. Then, I go home to get criticised by my family nonstop. They think just because they take care of me and buy me stuff, that means they're great. No, because you can't even help with my mental problems. Recently, I've been having intrusive houghts,HOCD. This soon developed into Transgender HOCD and it's so scary..I've tried telling my parents, but they think I overreact. I even had a phase in middle school where I constantly thought I was going to die from a fatal disease (my friend died from a brain tumor). Now that I think of it, I think I had OCD. They stopped taking me back and forth to the doctor. All of them can judge me, but never thought to even wonder about what's going on in my head. They just tell me I'm over exaggerating. I already suffer from depression, emotional numbness, and some anxiety. And now, I'm stuck with all these problems for the rest of my life. My life is ruined before it even began. I'm very scared because I was supposed to be thinking about college, having fun, enjoying senior year and starting my life on my own, but now I'm stuck because I'm afraid I won't make it. All because my mother didn't get me any help when ai first said I needed it. I've mastered crying silently and covering my mouth when I'm too loud because I refuse to have them act like they care, then downplay all of my illnesses. I've asked for a new therapist, because I honestly don't feel as though she takes MY problems seriously, because I'm 17. Or as she says, "because you're young". My mother said no, and then told my dad and sister how I wanted to, who all tried to get on me for it. And now, I'm sitting in my room crying my eyes out, listening to everyone enjoy their lives as mine tear apart. Because of her, I can't enjoy nothong anymore. Because of her, I can't get better. Because SHE likes a therapist, I can't get better. Because SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING, I can't get better. Because I'm YOUNG, I can't be taken seriously. I can't get pills. I just have to take the "natural" route, which frighten me because I come in contact with the stuff that triggers the OCD. I'm hopeless and ai can't liv my life the way I wanted. ALL BECAUSE OF HER. I'll make sure to remind her every chance I get of the she did and how I suffer now.
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