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ALone1

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Everything posted by ALone1

  1. Very little. It takes a lot for me to stick up for myself. I've got a saying I can't argue my way out of a paper bag, LOL. Also have a difficult time expressing myself. What I'm thinking doesn't always come out of my mouth or on the keyboard the way I intend it to be.
  2. Without going into specifics, what are some ways of dealing with anger? It takes A LOT to get me p***** off, but when I do, I want to throw or break things AS HARD AS I CAN!!! But unfortunately my conscience won't let me plus I learned YEARS ago doing that can be expensive, LOL! I have a difficult time relaxing in general anyways. When I'm finally winding down, something will happen and I think then my anger intensifies because I was just beginning to wind down. Tonight I went to bed early, something got me upset, and now instead of sleeping I'm awake three hours later and still upset. I live alone, no friends to vent to (too upset to talk anyways), and it seems the only outlet I have is the internet; which could take days to get responses from people I trust. Any ideas?
  3. This is just venting, but since I don't drink, it seems like a good place to do it. Has anyone noticed an increase in alcohol ads on tv and the glorifying of drinking? Especially with the increase of DWI checks and the danger of drinking, those ads seem to be counter-productive in curtailing it. And for those on us on this forum, it doesn't help us either to encourage drinking as an escape. While this subject may seem more liberal, I would prefer to see the money used on the ads for the promotion of medical illegal drug - another controversial subject. For me at least, I was more able to relax and less depressed while using it. But since it's been years, I wouldn't know where to get it or how it's changed. I guess I would just like to get other's opinions to see if I'm imagining more alcohol ads and also views on using illegal drug for treatment of depression.
  4. TopekaK, Thanks for taking the time to acknowledge those who replied to the thread! There are times when I'm low that it's tough even getting the ambition to post on here for help - I just want to hide, do nothing, and get frustrated losing games of solitaire.
  5. With my mother I don't tell her that her depression is dragging me down. Though I have told her I do need a break from her constant phone calls and requests every once in a while. While she knows some things I'm suffering from, I have spared her most of it out of making her feel worse. On the other side, I was corresponding with someone from Facebook who is also suffering from depression. I thought being able to relate to each other would help us both. After a while though, she felt she needed to concentrate on her own problems without reading mine. The lack of correspondence was disappointing, but I also didn't want to push her completely away. Yesterday on that particular page, I posted something to the effect that there are people hurting during the holidays for various reasons and everything isn't all family and great. Later on, that same girl I was corresponding with replied to the thread, thanking me for posting it. So Fizzle, you are right, we do need to be mindful of other's space and respect it. Everyone is different; some people get better corresponding with others in similar situations, others not, and there's also some that need it temporarily, but not long term. Unfortunately feelings aren't like a kid learning to push buttons; sometimes we need to learn to let go.
  6. Right now I'm lucky to remember what happened this morning, LOL. Within the past month or so though, I'm trying to deal with a mother who is on the verge of going into Assisted Living. It seems like she should have ONE case worker to deal with, but there are so many calls to make to find out what's going on with her (and I can't do personal calls at work). This year it seems like I'm beginning to lose interest in more and more things. I've tried exercise, but my mind kept wondering about other things; and the loneliness didn't subside. I've tried several outlets on my own and nothing seems to help. My ambition level seems to have dropped over the past year too. Right now I'm at the point where I don't know if age is dictating my life or if it's depression. I'm hoping this year I can find a shrink who will see me during non-business hours. I'm just tired of it all. It looks like you're trying or doing things in positive ways. This question may be out of line, but what is your eating disorder? For me, Christmas and Karen Carpenter go together; that's why I ask. For me I'd prefer not to eat at all - just give me a pill, LOL! But I know I have to eat something to keep functioning.
  7. I'm not sure how much you're into tv/movies, but I often think of the show Quantum Leap and the movie(s) Back to The Futures. What would my life be like now if Sam Beckett could change what I've said or done some 45 years ago? This has been a tougher year than last, but also beyond my control (or so it seems). In knowing myself, I see my negatives easier than the positives. There have been a few plus's, but seem to be overshadowed. When I'm actually enjoying myself or able to relax, thoughts of the depression reality enter my brain with the realization the good won't last. I sometimes dread going to bed at night knowing that I'm going to have to wake up again. Maybe some day Quantum Leaping will be a reality, but for now it's just a wish.
  8. Ditto for me with work getting in the way. Work hours also can change at the last minute, so I can't really plan anything. Fortunately the distance for NAMI or Meetup isn't a factor though, but again it's the time frames. But distance is a factor with Facebook - other than corresponding, get togethers are half the country away. At least I can get to one NAMI group a week. It doesn't help all the time, but I'm hoping sometime it will be a plus for me at some time. Since my suggestions don't work for you or me, maybe they'll help someone else reading it.
  9. Unfortunately, and this sounds cruel, but I'm at the other side of this conversation. I have an elderly mother who is on the verge of being put into Assisted Living; she also deals with depression. Between her problems, other personal problems I'm experiencing and my depression, there are times when I just don't want to hear about my mother's feelings - I'm trying to deal with my own stuff and she drags me down even further. Out of guilt in not being there for her like I feel I should, I do listen, but she refuses to listen to my advice. So every once in a while, I just have to lay down the law and TELL her NOT TO CALL me for a day or so I can get a break and have time to myself. My sanity can't deal with her all the time! So telling her I need some time is the only way I've found to almost deal with it. There seems to be a fine line being depressed and dealing with others in the same situation - the problem is finding that line. I also agree with One More Red. So many times I get told to snap out of it, have faith things will get better, or others have got it worse than me and I should feel lucky. We can't snap out of it, people with faith suffer from depression too, and I'm at the state where I know others have got it worse than me, but they're not me - I'm the one who has to deal with me, not them! While I don't believe in reincarnation, I too wouldn't mind getting killed in a car accident, be a victim of a mass shooting, or some other way of being the end - I am so tired of living this way!!! But there's also the effect on my family and someone else having to deal with my affairs afterwards. I'm not sure if this is good or not, but I haven't reached the point yet where i don't care about others after I'm gone.
  10. Unfortunately I can also relate. Where I live it's very family related and tough for outsiders to fit in. I don't trust the people I work with plus they have their own lives. Two online friends I have are limited to the internet due to data usage on their phones or the jobs they have. Fortunately I trust them with about anything I write; but they're also not here. I have two suggestions for you - at least for friendships. One might be to find a hometown Facebook page. At least the one I belong to keeps the negative, religion and politics off the page. You may at least be able to relive some old memories or reunite with some old friends. The other suggestion is www.meetup.com It's not a dating site, but a national site used on the local level for singles to get together. In my area, they have groups for about every interest imaginable - dancing, table top games, bowling, hiking, etc. Meetup may not be what you're ultimately looking for, but it could be a start. To me timing is everything - it's just a matter of being at the right place at the right time. Oh, try looking up NAMI too (National Alliance on Mental Illness). Where I live they have support groups six days a week. But I've also learned in some areas of the country, they're only a referral service. But it's worth a shot. Good luck!
  11. I think my worries now are NOT knowing what's going on or what's going to happen; which at this point no one seems to know (plus the added pressure on my brother). Despite his MS and living so far away, he's still the one to turn to when legal things come up (like deciding on assisted living or a nursing home for my mother and other parents and deciding what can be afforded). So I guess maybe this thread is more of me venting than anything. Since I was a kid, I've always worried about things unnecessarily.
  12. Okay, I'm spread too thin too with my depression/anxiety, lack of motivation, finances, etc. Unfortunately this topic is centered on my brother. My elderly mother was recently hospitalized due to a fall, which has been happening quite a bit lately, At first I was thinking, "here we go again." Due to my depression/anxiety I really haven't had the patience to deal with her problems. At first the hospital thought she may have had a mild stroke, which would explain her confusion and weakness - those test came back negative. Time to let my brother know about it. His situation is having MS, but still working as an attorney (I'm basically a minimum wage worker without much intelligence). After emailing him, he told me my other parents (who I disowned 25 years ago) may also have to go into assisted living or nursing home. He's recently divorced and just sold his house (but lives in the same town) and has two sons; one a freshman at a prestigious college and another in drug rehab. Adding to all of this is he lives in the center of the country, my "other parent's" in the northern US, my mother and I in the southern US, one son on the East Coast, and the other in a western state. I feel bad enough not taking better care or being able to give my mother more attention in the same town I live in. But because he's a lawyer, despite his MS, he has more knowledge in dealing with these issues. But he's also dealing with them from literally in the center of four different directions at the same time! Both sets of parents are still going through diagnosis (my mother they're still trying to figure out a cause). Maybe I'm just venting, but I was feeling bad enough with my mother. At least I don't have to deal with my "other parent's" problems, But realizing what my brother is going through makes me feel worse. My brother hasn't complained a bit though, at least to me. But he's not an emotionally open person either. It seems I should feel more guilty in relying on him so much, but don't. However I've got a feeling it will hit me once I learn more what's going on.
  13. ALone1

    Why?

    As far as looking for another job, circumstances pretty much prevent that - age & working ten hours/day when other places are open to apply. By the time I get home from work, I'm just too tired mentally & physically to do anything - and that includes upkeep on my house. The only reason now I keep riding my bike is I see older people having to use canes/walkers to get around; I don't want to be like that. For almost a year of doing it, I haven't been able to relax yet. And right now there are minor repairs which need to be done. I've got the parts, but because of the depression, no ambition to fix it. In going to the different groups, including support, I keep hoping something good will come out of it; I losing hope on that. Granted you're not supposed to do things for other people, but it's a good feeling when someone else appreciates your efforts. However I don't have anyone I can do that for; let alone receiving personal support from someone. Maybe I'm just venting, or maybe I'm just tired of it all.
  14. ALone1

    Why?

    Why can't someone find at least some type of generic cure for depression and anxiety? I've suffered from mild to severe depression most of the 50+ years of my life. At this time in my life, I've got no close friends or family for support; I'm having to face ANYTHING I do by myself, from my depression/anxiety, to learning a stupid smart phone, where to go for advice on things and just about everything else. Plus I HATE my job which causes a lot of my anxiety. People I was consistently emailing have virtually disappeared; even though I've tried to shy away from my problems (not completely) and try to take an interest in what they're doing. I've exercised on the weekends and have gone to singles groups and depression support groups, but those don't really help (maybe temporarily for a couple of hours), but in the back of my mind is still worrying about things. My boss/owner frowns on people taking off work for doctor appointments, so I can only see one during my vacation (without getting the 9th degree from work). When I run low on my anti-anxiety pills (klonapam), it's like pulling teeth to get my doctor for a new script; typically at least a week with many notes/reminders & messages to both the pharmacy and doctor's office. I HATE bothering people like that for something I need (and have been taking for some ten years)! My diet sucks big time, but I've also seen on the forums where people do eat the right things and still suffer from similar things I do. I'm just so tired of the depression with no support and going through it by myself. People are sympathetic on these forums, but they don't seem to have concrete answers. More importantly, they're not around to give me the personal support I need. Maybe it's the pharm companies fault there's no cure - they stand to lose a lot of money on their drug sales if there was a solution. Again, I'm tired of this illness along with not being able to relax or be happy! There's got to be a better way than withdrawing, escaping, or wanting to hide!
  15. Thanks! The splitting in half is probably what I'll have to do. With that drug being a controlled substance, the pharmacy won't give me any extra pills without contacting the doctor - I've tried before. Doesn't make sense since I've been taking it for ten years, but they've got their restrictions too. Even though it's not much, I have been taking a couple St. Johns wort pills since Friday to help me make it through the weekend without taking any "chill pills." Don't know if they're any good, but...
  16. Actually I've got three Klonazapem pills left. If I'm lucky I'll get the refill Monday night (doctor's office was supposed to call in the prescription Thursday & they were out of the office Friday). I feel real edgy right now and have to go to a job I hate in a few minutes - fortunately I'll be there by myself on hopefully only for a couple of hours. I would take one of my pills now, but feel I should save them tor work Monday when there's a full staff and will be working ten hours or so. I hate feeling this way (the edginess and wanting to hide). Any ideas or suggestions until I get the refill?
  17. Are you old enough (I'm sure you are) or do you remember the tv series "ED?" It was basically about a lawyer who moved back to his hometown of Stuckeyville and bought a bowling alley. Part of the story line was he had a crush on a girl in high school who he never had the courage to speak to. Same thing with me for six years in school. She's what we used to call a YUPPIE now and living the dream life. Sometimes I wonder if I did have that courage to speak to her and possibly get to know her, what my life would be like now. Granted you're not supposed to do things for other people, but I believe our lives can be tailored around others; as in I might have done things differently because of being with her. That's just hindsight though and now we have to struggle with the way we turned out and hopefully become better - not always that easy!
  18. Brains are dangerous, LOL. While it doesn't work all the time (it used to more) is I try to convince myself it ain't gonna get done by looking or thinking about it, so I might as well do it (sometimes it takes less effort doing it than thinking about it - easier said than done though). One day while trying to convince myself to ride the bike, I finally decided to go out because I KNEW it was going to be hotter and tougher if I waited. Don't get me wrong, I'm about as unmotivated as anyone else on here. I'm just tossing out ideas that have worked for me in the past.
  19. I too belong to a hometown Facebook page (from about 1500 miles away from where I live now). As you get older it's easier to forget the bad times growing up - getting picked on, teased, laughed at, etc. Going to junior/senior high parties or parties about that time period, people had a tendency to avoid me - they thought I was a snob. But that was because I was a quiet person (still am) and felt more comfortable in the background watching everyone else. Once I got to know people, I fit in better. I agree it's EXTREMELY disappointing when you're corresponding with someone and it seems to fade away. One person was going to college and could only use wi-fi at the library (no internet at home). Now that she's graduated it's tougher for her to get to the library. So her lack of correspondence may not have anything to do with me, but her limited access to email. There are others who have slacked off too, but they probably have their legitimate reasons (doing things during the summer and outside more maybe). BTW, when I do write, I've always tried to take an interest in their lives so it isn't all about me. Having not visited home in 12 years and not living there for some 30 years, the hometown page can be interesting to see the changes and recognize a few names. Yeah, there are topics I don't care for (reminders of the bad times), but it is a nice escape once in a while! The bottom line is living/being alone sucks! As Ohgeesmiles said, depression has a way of warping our perceptions. It would really be nice if we could look at ourselves from an OBJECTIVE viewpoint.
  20. How much exercise does it take to feel relaxed? Since last Fall I've been riding my bike usually one day on the weekends for 20-30 miles (don't have the time or energy to do it after work during the week). Granted I also smoke, but not while riding. There are some days when I have to literally FORCE myself to ride - just no ambition to do it. Even during and after riding though, my mind still wanders and I can't really relax. But I don't want to stop riding either in fear I may stop altogether.
  21. That's pretty much true in ANY type of unexpected death though; especially if the person lives alone.
  22. Thanks for all of your ideas! If only I had a stronger personality or there was a switch I could turn on & off to my feelings. Growing up I was known as the worryer - constantly thinking about what may or may not happen; I'm still the same way. Right now problems at the job are likely my main focus. Being alone without any friends to turn to for advice is another major issue. Sure there are forums like this, but it's totally different than dealing with someone you can trust in person. At work I purposely try not to listen to things which may be coming up in the future because I know I'll dwell on them. With work and everything else I'm so tired of it, I just want to quit life. I'm tired of trying new ideas and things which don't work out or help. While exercising on the weekends, my mind wanders instead of relaxing and going to group functions where I don't seem to "click" with others. Again I'm tired of the whole situation, but work is a major part. Seeing others around me being happy is depressing because I can't be. Unfortunately resources to help cost money which I don't have. For right now I guess all I can do is say thanks for reading this and trying to help!
  23. Actually when my boss confronts me, I feel he's an a**hole; wish he would stay in his office and away from operations - things would run much smoother. But that person signs the paychecks. Another problem I have is communication skills - I couldn't argue my way out of a paper bag if my life depended on it (been that way most of my life). So in explaining an incident to him, I may get the words out wrong. While I've likely had depression most of my life, I don't believe the anxiety began till I got this job. Not liking or wanting to change jobs, I was hoping things would improve. They didn't. I avoid every day conversation with the boss because partly because of my communication problem, but moreso, I don't trust him. Again, knowing his personality and how the system works (which is part of the problem beyond his control) and being able to keep from dwelling on the attacks are two different things. My negative mood I can fake my way through and get through the day (sometimes with my chill pills), but I still dwell on it away from work; partly because I'm so TIRED of it and knowing it won't change. Breaking into my 50's now, I can pretty much forget about finding something else. At one of my first jobs there was a chain of command. My immediate boss told me of the supervisor the owner had hired. That supervisor would chew a person out and make them feel two inches tall. Meanwhile the owner could go up oneside of you and down the other and you'd leave feeling like you were the greatest employee in the world (even though you just got chewed out)! I'm definitely at the point where I feel my boss is full of it (been at that point for years), but I seem to be stuck at that point without being able to move forward without the anxiety.
  24. I like your word attack - that's what it really feels like. Years ago I used to go in early and at other times go in on my own (when the place was closed) to get things caught up to make the job easier for ME (not the boss or anyone else). With rare exceptions, those days are long gone. I do realize it's my boss's attitude and not my performance. But no matter how strongly I know that, the attacks still bother me. Additionally there's no one I can trust to vent things too; anything I say goes almost immediately back to the boss. Just as I can't comprehend the hassles of working in fast food, it's tough venting my frustrations to someone who isn't familiar with the type of business I'm in; as in giving examples. Hate to say this, but it's even tough knowing who to trust on this site with the rare possibility of people knowing people. Even though I'm developing an "I don't care" attitude about the workplace, I still take pride in the work I do. Constructive criticism I can handle. How is separating the attacks different from keeping bad feelings inside and making a person ultimately feel worse. Seems like I've done that most of my life with the result of isolating myself from others (as opposed to rarely getting angry or mad to vent).
  25. While I may not be one of the most knowledgeable or efficient employees at work, I am easily the most dependable in the smaller environment there. The problem is it almost seems the boss/owner has a hobby of cutting me down mentally (and others too, to their face I'm not sure about) such as not doing things right, forgetting to do something.or saying the wrong thing on the phone. Another comeback is I've been there long enough and should know better. I've been there for years, mistakes do happen, and I should be used to the mental abuse by now. This happens on a daily basis. Sometimes things get so crazy at work, the boss wants explanations for things that happened days or weeks ago - how are we supposed to remember? And if I/we do remember something about it later, it's too late. My problem is my personality in not sticking up for myself. Oh, I do at times, but the boss doesn't listen - things have got to be done the boss's way depending on his mood, even if the task has been done the same way for a period of time or if other situations come up. So if the boss doesn't listen, why even bother explaining? It's also tough getting time off for doctor appointments or other things which can only be done during the day. If given the time off, it's treated like a big favor and the boss will want more in return. My psychologist thinks I should stand up for myself more with the worst thing happening is what I've already gone through with my boss. That's easier said than done. Every little derogatory remark that's made I get upset about and end up taking more anxiety pills (probably more than I should). When I find other's mistakes, including the boss's, I just go ahead and correct them without saying a word (unless it's habitual, then I might say something to the person directly). The boss's mistakes he'll just say fix it! I'm too old to find another job and even if I could, driving around town I see potential other problems in working at about everyplace I see. Any ideas? My depression is at a pretty low point now and can't afford new insurance to replace the group policy my boss is about to drop. Thanks!
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