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random alice

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Everything posted by random alice

  1. I had a dream last night that I saw someone on the street who looked a lot like my CO. I felt all the butterflies in my stomach and my heart and my skin burned like when I see him. Then I asked someone who was there with me (a friend I guess) "have you ever seen someone you love so much in someone else's face?" the feeling was so intense. I don't think about him all the time anymore but I guess this won't just ever leave.... It makes me feel so bad because life has no point to me if I have no chance of being with him. If I could be with someone who reminded me of him, it would be like the closest I could ever get. I thought about drawing him... with me maybe... but maybe it'd just make things worse, and I feel terrible about someone finding out. It makes me feel like more of a silly fangirl and less like a normal person who could have a chance. I was playing a video game where you can make your character and I kinda made a lookalike. Which is not much compared to the fact that he is featured as a character in a video game for real. How surreal and ridiculous it sounds. I really wish he was a normal person instead of a celebrity, even if I still didn't have a chance. It would feel much less pathetic. @nikki114 about depression when I look yes, I don't look him up anymore though, I only did it a couple of times. At first I don't feel that bad but it starts to get worse a couple of days later. I haven't heard about or watched him in forever (more than a year) and I'm afraid to wonder and to find out things that would make me feel worse. Which could be anything. Even something totally harmless. I don't know. But for me recovery is more complicated. Today is a bad day, but I never really have great days because I never stop loving him and I have no one. @Hopeful Heroine I'm sorry if it upsets you but it does sound like an obsession to me. I think you have to ask yourself what you really want to do about your feelings. For me to think about the online chats my CO has had with regular people, fans, etc, which I know about, makes me feel awful, so I don't even like to hear the word "snapchat" lol :( Maybe you can get rid of the bad feelings and keep only the good, but it sounds like you know it's not healthy for you. The contempt sounds familiar, it's been a love/hate thing for me. How long did you go without seeing anything about them? Because it takes a lot of time and interests in other things to occupy your mind. Feel free to pm me if any of you would like
  2. Believe me it's not just you... I'm proof that it's a least the two of us xD Really wish I could give you a big hug! I don't know what else to say, I'm sorry. Whenever I try to just accept it it feels like grieving. But I get tired of people telling me it's going to happen one day, or "it's going to be this year!" . I get told I don't have the opportunities. Do you meet a lot of new people? I rarely meet anyone. @MajorDepression I hope you're doing okay!
  3. Hi again! Been reading a few of the latest posts. I'm happy for you iamalittleteapot and opal! Welcome @ new members! When I have some guy to talk to it's easier to forget him, there's no one right now (meaning things went wrong with all of the ones I've talked to so far), so I'm feeling hopeless again and start to fantasize about him. It goes back to him leaving his gf for me (hahaha). So be it, I am a jealous b* I can't help it :( I was doing that now, and clicked on a picture of him. Just one. So now I'm here lol. Last night I watched a silly romantic comedy movie and cried, so I guess I'm feeling fantasy-ish. The only thing I've been doing lately is work (which I do stuck at home) and gym sometimes, and gym reminds me of him (I remember the videos of him working out...), the rest of the time I'm lonely, so I guess the fantasies are normal. The most exciting thing in my life is saving to buy new shoes. I've deleted my twitter account for many reasons, so I no longer run the risk of hearing about wrestling or him anytime anymore. It was much easier to do than I thought it would be. @kristenb the maladaptive daydreaming thing has been mentioned here before, a lot of us can relate *nods* I've never had a CO like this though. I'm over the O part now, it's not an obsession anymore it's just some kind of unrequited love, but I have to be careful because I do get obsessive about my daydreams sometimes. I've said this before but, if anyone wants to chat either here or somewhere else about anything, feel free to contact me
  4. Wait, is it okay to post about obsessive/compulsive disorders relating/caused to a CO? That's what I had so it's what I can try to help people with (not much I admit) Though I can't say I'm obsessed anymore, since I don't think about him every second like I used to. It's an unrequited love at this point for me, with the added problem that you know , it's almost impossible, and problems with the celebrity status like trying to avoid them or not.
  5. @Audrey822 @HopelessRomantic2011 thank you for the words <3 ^^ I have been using dating apps all the time because I don't have opportunities to meet people, but it seems harder to be interested when you have no idea how it would be to actually meet them in person. I can't seem to like the ones close to me. @nikki114 Maybe I'm scared of being hurt so my subconscious makes me go for unattainable guys? But they all happen to be the best looking guys? Hahah o_o @alacroix I think it's been 3 years. It was so bad I thought about him every other second. It was hell, it hurt so much I couldn't stop crying sometimes. Now it's a lot better but I still love him and get anxious about it.
  6. Hi, everyone, I hope you're feeling better than me at the moment I've been feeling desperate to meet someone...But the couple of guys I like are still "out of my league" even though some people told me I'm beautiful etc ?!?! I don't feel like that. Why arent the guys I like interested? And I have a really hard time being attracted to anyone... I keep remembering my CO's eyes then I think "if I do find someone, how am I gonna tell them I'm in love with a celebrity??" Sometimes I just wanna pretend I'm attracted just to have someone to care about me. But I can't like... kiss a guy I'm not attracted to? I can't even picture it. @alacroix Welcome to the forum, we know what that feels like, although it's different for everyone. In my case therapy, time, meds, and not looking at my CO helped a lot, so I recommend those things... but I'm still in love with him. I hope you find something that works for you.
  7. Oh wow, read some of your posts and I'm feeling for you guys :( I hope you all get to feel good things during the holidays, personally I don't like it... too much to think and feel Now this is really silly, I just watched Sleepless in Seattle again lol and wanna cry?!?!? hahahahah such a silly old movie, and I'm never gonna find someone who makes me feel like he does right? And it's just a silly movie to meet the person you wanted to meet and be with right? I wish someone would go "no, go after him I'll help you let's go" hahahaha... I want that so much Well it had been a good while since I last cried I want to send hugs and apologize I still feel too fragile to read some things but at the same time it's still nice to remember there are people who understand. I "quit" him (watching him) and time and meds and distractions have made things so much more tolerable, I hope you get to that point. But I don't think it'll just go away... I keep being obsessed with other things. Like lately it's been what I wish I had a career in (since I have none), drawing, so I've been drawing a bunch of things nonstop, I lose interest in everything else. Before that, it was a game. Before the game, it was a tv show. And before that a game again. I skip sleep completely and sometimes cleaning and eating and taking care of myself.
  8. I remembered this old song today: Mad About The Boy (1949) - Helen Forrest https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kQlcwxQ7RY The lyrics reminded me of the forum...
  9. @imalittleteapot I can't stand celebrity magazines, they trigger the hell out of me... fortunately, he's on the cover of something else, but if I say what it'll be too obvious e_e''' sorry! (I don't mind talking about it through messages)
  10. Dropping by to say I still live and hoping to see familiar and new faces. Not sure anyone remembers me but it's been a long time! About my love... yeah I'm just calling him love of my life right now because I feel like it I still love him so much. So much! And I still hate it so much! I still want to cry when I think about it and sometimes I do. He's currently on the cover of something I keep running into all the time. I refuse to buy one just for that! I have to stop myself from squeeing (Eeeee he's perfect asdfkl) and fangirling when I spot it. And if anyone remembers what he does and watches it, it's now completely obvious who he is. (But if someone does know please don't tell others xD) I'm taking more meds than last time I dropped by, but as long as I don't think about my life.... how it's not going anywhere fast enough, how far from him I am, how lonely and alone I am, it's.... manageable. I still want all guys to look like him lol. I still seek his face in others, in vain. Not just that, every part of his body too, his voice, his movements. I heard some exciting stuff about his current work that I would REALLY LOVE TO WATCH AND FANGIRL OMG, but I can't. I can't like an addict has to stay away. He ruined the show for me lol :( I still dream of going all the way to the US to try to meet him and still can't accept that he would probably barely notice me. @fabulousrockstar sorry for not having a clue about anything, but isn't link sharing in private messages ok? Also uhh I'm curious about this fiction heheh. I'm sorry I don't have a clue about your CO though But long hair all the way :) I wanna make fanart of my bby but I guess it goes against my goal of one day forgetting what his face looks like
  11. Hey people. Haven't been here forever. @Audrey822 I just want to hug you. Anyways it's been over 2 years now I think? I haven't watched any shows in months, and I don't know what's going on with my CO, but it doesn't make it easier. Well when I did watch, I would get so bad a couple days later, so maybe I could be doing a lot worse. But I still wish I was better, I'm still crying sometimes, and I can't stand thinking about him. I think I'm gonna be alone forever. I'm getting old with no one to love. I don't have the courage to google him, I'm scared of seeing the same type of thing Audrey. When I think about him his gf is always there in my mind too! It hurts so much. I don't know how to make it alright anymore. I stil feel like I wish I could talk about him to more people. I'm on a bunch of meds so I don't know what options I have, my doctor is probably gonna give me more though. I feel like I wanna shout 'I'm in love with someone I can never have help me please'. I guess I wanted to say hi, though I'm still scared of reading anything that will make me feel worse? Sorry
  12. PLEASE NOTHINGATALL PM ME

  13. lol I wanna write his profession but since later you can't edit/delete posts, I'd rather not as I may regret it.
  14. Hi, I haven't been here in forever but thought I'd say hi and vent a little. I still can't stay, I still can't stand other people's love most of the time so I'm sorry I still feel too weak for this place. In a couple of months... it'll be 2 years? Yeah 2 years since this started. Chatting to other people online has helped, getting to know other people, but I still have bad days sometimes. I haven't watched him or things that remind me of him too much in a couple of months either but I know that's not gonna last cause I get too nervous imagining what he's up to. And I know I'll have a bad day then. I keep looking for your face in everyone else but it's never you enough, and it hurts so much cause for some reason I don't get, I imagine you being happy with someone else who gets to have you at that very moment at every *now* and doesn't even know what they have you id1ot. And you know what, I may not be a model but I'm more real and sweeter and hotter for you then anyone could ever be you id1ot, you're missing out. If you saw my eyes and got to know me you'd get it. I will find you and tell what you do to my senses even if we're both really old, or I'll die trying...Anybody else is just blah, I want this crazy superficial, animal, insane, intense stupid thing! No one in my life gets that! I don't care if it's not how love works or it's too crazy if it's too much too scary, why can't I want that, once in my life?!? I will be alone forever cause I don't know how to settle for less, and it hurts so much to try. I'll keep praying for miracles, or that I'm able to live a little coexisting with this "condition". I don't care that I sound crazy, you are my id1ot, my. And sorry board but I have to write this too: if nothingatall reads this, PLEASE pm me: I don't know where you are, I worry! *sigh* Thanks for letting me vent, I will go back to pms if anyone wants to talk.
  15. I feel drunk on clonazepam cause I don't have access to alcohol I wanna get drunk cause the guy I thought I had something with and can trust keeps letting me down and I just don't get him he's hot then he's cold he talks to me like he's in love but he barely asks about me and my life and talks about his and I always try harder than him and when I tell him he says "I understand"....thats it?!?!?!?! and its an online thing so I know its complicated but how can I go visit him when he doesnt even want to give me his address I let him know he can just say no but I get no decent answer, he just ignores it does he only trust me to send d**k photos but not to share more of his life? and why can't he be honest and share what he's thinking I keep being disappointed in people I NEVER LEARN that I need to stop expecting anything from people! I'm a huge stupid ***** I feel like crying but I'm too proud to give him any more tears Thanks for letting me vent my stupid crap
  16. @Audrey822, thank you! ^^ *hugs* Probably wouldn't have happened if I didn't have the support of you guys! I don't like to say my CO's name either, I write his first name in PMs, but when speaking I usually call him you-know-who or that-guy or more often "that s.o.b." hahaha. I only use his real name in my mind, I hate when his fans use it (it breaks the make-believe of the shows ...also I feel weirdly possessive and nervous). I suspect if I had stayed only with his wrestling persona my feelings wouldn't have been so depressing cause it'd be more about a fictional character, so I wish I didn't know even his real name or anything about his real life.
  17. Since MysteryName mentioned not being able to tell friends, I just wanna say that I've recently told my mother about my CO, never thought I'd do that, and she was actually really cool about it (what I told my family before is that I have obsessive thoughts about something that really depresses me but that I was too embarrassed to tell for how silly it makes me feel). This happened after she saw me cry so many times so she knew it was serious. I also have a second therapist now hahah, a holistic therapist, and it's been great, almost a miracle how she's helped me -I had a crisis recently and was almost suicidal. So now 5 people know about it other than you guys (my doctor and therapists, my mother and my online best buddy).
  18. hey welcome @MysteryName don't worry, you don't sound unique at all, many people here in very similar situations and age as you, believe me. Feel free to write as much as you'd like, you're not hijacking the thread, that's what it is here for :) (it started with one case, but it turned into a thread for everyone) I felt like maybe I should know your CO's identity but it didn't really click for me so maybe not. About the not wanting to be just another fan, but still wanting to reach out, I'm also struggling a lot with that recently. And with the no career thing, living with parents, little social life, yeah. It sucks, but it's not so uncommon, and there are way worse situations to be in. Maybe your CO happened to give you comfort when you needed it when you had little to turn to, although it can often get in the way of things, it also seems connected to you wanting to work on your creativity, not really a coincidence. I hope you'll be able to work on what's making you unhappy while still enjoying the good feelings your CO can give you. Just be aware that sometimes it's not possible to have the good without the bad. I wish I could stay with only the good feelings for my CO but since it can be so terrible for me, I think the only way is getting over him. As you see a lot of people are able to work out dealing with the bad and focusing on the good though, I hope you can too.
  19. @Scuba36 I feel similar about my CO's lifestyle (by the way, hi everyone xD haven't been here in a long time) He's a wrestler so I'd love to be in a different city every week, other countries, meet new people, go to a lot of fun events, etc, I have idealized this whole different life I'd have if I knew and worked with him. In reality I'm a social phobic who has no friend to go out with, is scared of everything and depends too much on her parents.
  20. Yes, it makes me sick sometimes and it physically hurts, but I'm on the "hit rock bottom" part of the group and anything might trigger bad feelings so I'm mostly not on the thread nowadays Specially my jealousy feelings those turn me inside out I just want to puke or pass out. And I hate him, cause I love him. I just hate feeling.
  21. Bowie... though I shouldn't cause I'm gonna cry again and again "look up here, I'm in heaven"
  22. The Cat Lady, a weird horror indie game... I got it cause it's about a suicidal woman, ha. Very dark. Maybe I should go finish it, then replay it with different choices. Everytime I see mention of Fallout 4 I wanna replay Fallout 1 and 2
  23. I'm miserable and hungry and crying but my family has guests over and I can't go in the kitchen without having to greet them, but I don't feel brave enough for that. I hate love and I hate feelings I really hate that I can't choose not to feel this stupid s***ty pain. I'm so embarrassed that I'm such a fool. I just really wanna tear out my heart and stab it until it stops being so stupid feeling things it should never feel. I guess I'm just gonna sleep
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