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mark88

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  1. At 19 I quit my job, I was fine until 21 when I lost my friends. Over the next few years, I only left the house for job interviews and going to the job center. I didn't get a job till I was 26. For 5 years I was at home, over eating, sitting in my room and just feeling a little low. I had no friends, no one to see, no point in leaving the house. But now? Its weird. Im slowly making friends, I work full time and I feel more positive about everything. But the depression, when I feel lonely, when I get turned down, it comes back. I could sit there and cry for 3/4 hours. Why wasn't I this depressed when I was worse off?
  2. Living with my family is hell. We do nothing but argue. But I have no one else, I can't leave the house and see friends as I don't have any, I hate leaving the house alone. After work I come home and go straight to my room, I hate it. I feel like a prisoner. Im not living a life, im not doing anything. I feel no love, and thats all I want. Ive been trying hard to make friends but I haven't made any. Im scared. My life is pointless.
  3. I hate this feeling and I can't explain it. Im only happy when someone is interested in me. Those good morning texts, the good night ones. Chatting all day, being happy. The day he texted me good morning was the first time I woke up happy, I didn't want to die that day. And I hate that, I hate feeling like someone...anyone can have that power to make you happy but can take it away in seconds. Everytime I think about it, it hurts.
  4. Im depressed, because im alone. Most people I meet for a date, don't want a second date. I met one guy, we talked for about a week before, on facetime for about 4 hours a day, I felt as if we got to know eachother really well before we met. We had dinner and I ended up back to his because he said he missed hugging someone (which I also do) and we just hugged and held hands, it felt amazing. But since then, he hasn't texted me, I'll text him but its one worded replies. I don't think he wants to see me again? I don't even know why my depression has gotten really bad because of this?
  5. Thats when it happened, when my depression got worse. I haven't cried in ages but I feel it coming along. Not just my age, but the year since I felt like that. Feeling like the only way I could be happy was by ******* myself. Its gone by so fast, this past year and the only improvement is that my depression has gone down. Im still depressed but I feel like I can control it more, understand that i'll be okay. But, what if I lose control again?
  6. I thought I was getting better. I've been applying for work, a week ago I applying for over 70 jobs, emailed CV's and stuff. Checked my inbox today and had around 30 rejection emails. Its been like this for 8 years now and im getting panic attacks, I feel like the older I get the less time I have to get a better job. I have little experience and not many qualifications. Every job I look at wants everything. Even just office work. I cant only get work in stores or supermarkets, but the shifts are whats making me depressed. I haven't cried in 3 weeks, until now.
  7. Have you tried online dating? A few dates I've had has lead to friendship.
  8. Im looking to go back to college, something to do with art and prop making, but the course im looking at is over £16,000 for 3 years. I don't have that money so i'll need to get a loan. Do I do this? I could be left with having to pay back £16,000 and I might not even get a job at the end....its making me depressed that I might not get to do my dream job, its one thing I could be happy with. But I know if after 3 years I don't get a job it might push me to the edge. I've looked at working on film sets for free (runner), but with my current job I can't do that. I have to do something or im gonna be stuck like this forever, wondering, but this could also be the death of me.
  9. So, long story short, I was un-employed for 5 years and in those 5 years I didn't do a thing. I sat at my desk at home (live with parents) eating junk food (sometimes spending £30-£40 on a take away, eating it all) playing on the internet. I never left the house, I lost my friends, from 21-26, I never had fun. I feel like I had to re-start my life, I had my breakdown last year because it hit me, I just looked back and I get so depressed over what I lost, I could have seen the world, fell in love or just had fun. People my age are starting to settle down, they stop going out and start planning a family. But for me, I feel like im still 21. I feel like I never aged, or got to be a little reckless and make mistakes. Since 2014, I have lost 8 stone, I mean, to some people thats amazing, Im happy about that, but I still get upset, even annoyed with myself for wasting my life. I believe I have a very good life, I have a job (even tho I hate it and it makes my depression worse) I have a very big family, I can afford to go away with them and I had a really good up-bringing. But when I think about what I have, I feel guilty for being depressed. I get lost/confused. I keep telling myself, "You should be glad youre re-starting your life now, rather than getting to old age wishing you had done it sooner" I sometimes feel selfish for being depressed.
  10. I think about this every day, every day of my life and it makes my depression worse. If I never had it, would I have friends, would I of had the guts to meet guys, go on dates and fall in love. Would people not be put off by my awkwardness? I keep hearing that most people with AS stay single for a long time and often never have full time jobs and still live at home. Im worried that will be me, I know that will be me. Because of it, I can't get a new job. I've asked so many people for help this past year and they only offer retail work (which is what im doing now) and I hate it. The more I think "Is this as good as it gets" the more I wanna end it all, but I can't do that, I would never do that to my family, but at the same time I don't wanna be depressed for the next 60+ years.
  11. Im using online dating too and its hard :(
  12. I got dumped a few months ago (October) and thinking back about it, I miss it. He hurt me a lot, I know I don't miss him, but I miss it. The hugging, I miss that the most, I miss caring aboout someone and I miss texting someone. And I use to talk to him a lot, I use to tell him more than what I told my therapist. I think its making my depression worse.
  13. For the past year, ive been dating. At 27 I started pretty late. Only met a few guys, 2 of which I saw for a while and one ended up with me getting my heart pretty broke. The problem is, I think its being gay...the gay world, a lot of guys do often just want sex, and the ones that want something real? You can't find them. Gay bars or dating apps, it full of the one who would rather just have hook-ups, and even dating sites are pretty dead. A few guys I have dated became a little vulgar as the date when on which made me pretty uncomfortable. Its making my depression worse, all I want is someone to love, and someone to love me. It might sound sad, but I just want a hug, thats it. Time can go so slow, but also so fast, im worried ill get old alone.
  14. Im a little scared. I wont lie. It started yesterday, I had two days off work so I went out, had dinner with a friend and a few drinks. Things were going well. Woke up the next day...... It was weird, my heart was racing, I started panicking about work, finding a new job, the future. In my current job, its shift work. So weekends, bank holidays, Christmas holidays, I work. We also have to book our holidays in one go, so I can't plan anything. And I hate that, it makes my depression worse. I see people enjoy their weekends, their time off work during christmas and booking last minute trips. Its even stopping me from starting a relationship. I have asperger's syndrome which doesn't help with getting a new job. I stopped therapy in December, I really want to go back but im worried. I just, feel stuck....I dont want to live like this any more.
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