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The Purist

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Everything posted by The Purist

  1. A went through every emotion you are feeling at a point in my life. I will speak from my experiences, there is a void in your life that has not been filled. Don't try to fill it as it will come to you when you least expect it. Sometimes in life things are left as they were. I tried to reach out to a GF who had the same impact on me after we were broken up for over 3 years. It was an unmitigated disaster. I am not saying that will happen to you but I would say you have to be prepared for it. It opened up a lot of old wounds for me. But, it might be a good thing for you? Every situation is different. Think it through maybe? Put feelers out there? Is she off the grid? Can you get a sense of where she is now?
  2. Thank you for asking how I am feeling and thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. I am good, I am seeing my Therapist tomorrow and am going to talk it over with her. I am looking for another Psychiatrist but can't stop going to him until I find one. In New York you can only get benzodiazapenes one month at a time so you are married to these jerks until you find someone else.
  3. I think it started when I was 30 years old. It took till I was 30 to grow up, finish my education and get a real job. I went from being a pauper to someone with means within 6 months. I even bought my first new car, I never had a new car before. I should have acknowledged the omen, I totaled it two months later. Every year it has gotten worse and worse, breakdown after breakdown. Bad career decisions, changes on the whim of the moment or because of perceived insults that in retrospect were nothing. Horrendous relationship choices. Suicidal promiscuity with both men and women. A bankruptcy. Death took away some of the most important people in my life so there has been a lot of loss. Now, I hate myself and the person I have become. I never look at myself in the mirror. I shave in the shower with no mirror. If there is a mirror in a restaurant I sit with my back towards it. I disabled my Facebook account and trashed my LinkedIn account. When recruiters would call me for jobs, I would tell them I was my brother and that I was dead. I don't even have a brother. I have almost completely isolated myself. I never talk on the phone and will only answer texts or emails. Sometimes I feel like I am in a living death or walking around with a noose around my neck. I wish I knew the answers but my bed is calling me.
  4. I like to think that I am. But I am also the product of the world I grew up in. A world where violence was unremarkable and endemic. A world where deceit and underhanded dealings were a way of life. It is hard to be a good person when those factors where an influence on you growing up. The other day I was in the subway and a young boy was trying to buy a magazine. The magazine was 9.99 and he only had 5.00 and he was upset, I bought it for him and did not take his money, it's the little acts of kindness. But I have have also done some night so nice things as well. I am not trying to make excuses but I think it is in large part due to living in New York City. I hate this place and I don't know why anyone would want to live here. Living here is not pleasant, it does not ennoble people, it turns them into animals. Sorry I am pontificating.
  5. I got out of bed and had a shower. With the way I woke up this morning this is a big deal for me.
  6. Exhausted and numb. I managed to have a shower though and am going to try to get out later.
  7. I went shopping and bought a pair of shorts and cat litter. It's the small things that are the most satisfying.
  8. It has been a year and I feel like I have finally found the right fit vis a vis a Therapist. I started working with my current Therapist 3 months ago and we have really made some headway. So between the starts and stops with other therapists, attending a weekly group and seeing my current therapist I would say I have made some progress in 9 months or so? But am nowhere near where I need to be to get back to a semblance of a functioning, productive person.
  9. Hello Everyone, Yesterday I had to deal with a very stressful event. I had to have an upper-endoscopy done. I have to go every year but for some reason this year I was dreading it more than most. I got myself out, went to the center, got it done and felt good about myself afterwards. In the afternoon, still a little woozy from Propofol, I went to see my Psychiatrist who I have been seeing for over a year. He's an older man, sometimes he can be cranky but we've always gotten on. Basically, to sum it all up, he told me I was fat - I am overweight - told me to go out and get a job and remarked that he could not believe that my wife still puts up with me.....I felt like I was gut-shot. I didn't defend myself, I am ashamed that I did not. I guess that maybe I am so numb that it did not affect me on a certain level. I feel like I should call him today to tell him how I feel or tell him how inappropriate his comments were. I am not sure what good that would do as it is obvious I need to look for another provider. In a very linear way, and this is kinda pathetic, there is a part of me that wants to let it go as it fits the narrative of my life the last year or so. Thank you for reading. Best, R'
  10. Hi, I am a new member and wanted to tell you a little bit about me. I have suffered from Dysthymia all of my life, I was a melancholic child. I am 46M, married. I spun into a major depression in February of 2014. I was hospitalized in May of 2014 for suicidal ideation and thoughts. I was okay for a little while. However, I lost my job. I managed to get a another job that I was supposed to start in September 2014. However things got worse and worse and towards the end of July I stopped eating and drinking water. I lost 13lbs. I was completely neglecting my ADLs. It was so bad that on a rare occasion when I went out, I fainted and had to be rushed to the hospital due to severe dehydration. In early August I decided that life was not worth living. I got my affairs in order, hatched a plan, felt very happy, made sure I did not tip anybody off; however, I was spotted by two police officers and I was sent back to the hospital for a month. Now I take a battery of drugs, see a therapist twice a week and psychiatrist once a month. I think I have made some progress but I am still very depressed, the level depends on the day I guess. I have no ambition, no goals, no job, no energy.....no hope? My laziness is appalling. I try but it is just not there. I have a hard time leaving the house. The things I used to enjoy I have no interest in. This has been going on for over a year now. I feel like I am running out of time: my marriage, my career prospects, my family. I know they are all getting frustrated. I am terrified of stress. I used to function at a decent level, I was a High School Teacher and I worked for many years in Information Technology. Now I am so ashamed I took down LinkedIn page and when recruiters were calling I pretended to be my brother and told them I was dead. I feel like my body is breaking down because I don't use it. It is a terrible thing to be a prisoner of your own mind. Anyway, thanks for reading.
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