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The Purist

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Everything posted by The Purist

  1. Most of the psychiatrists I have been to only did med management. I have been seeing my current psychiatrist for over a year and I don't think he ever asked me how I am. Thinking about that, the applies to the one before him as well and that was around 3 years. It's like going to a Psycho pharmacologist.
  2. Trying to get motivated. On a positive note my wife and I raised over 1000$ for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and are doing a walk for them on 10/25. I was ambivalent about this because I thought it might tip people off that I tried to check out early, but then I cam to the conclusion that I was being paranoid.
  3. I did not go out at all yesterday, I was really feeling it last night so I am going to be sure to get out today. A little sunshine does wonders.
  4. I am suspicious of people who use phrases like, "To be honest," or, "In all honesty.”
  5. Couldn't get to sleep till very late so I am very tired. I tried reading a really, really boring book and that did not help. I don't like to take any medication for sleep as it makes me groggy and unable to wake up.
  6. I want to wear a pasta strainer on my head for my drivers license photo. I see nothing wrong with this.
  7. As long as you have valid prescriptions you will not have a problem.
  8. Somewhere in the world there is a swallow singing in C Minor.
  9. Music? Yes I can relate to that. There are certain songs which are triggers for me. They may be sad or they may take me back to a time in my life that upsets me. I think music is a huge part of a persons identity. I am always interested in what other people listen to as it gives me a clue as to what they are all about and whether or not we have something in common. But reverse it true, in that there are songs etc. That put my mind in a better place. Music that I can't listen to (Not music that I loathe, rather, music that just makes me sad) Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day Iron and alcohol - Upwards Over the Mountain Robyn Hitchcock - Idonia Gary Jules - Mad World Anything played on the Bagpipes <== They sound like a wall of death. Band of Horses - The Funeral <== The video is very sad. Brahms - Lullaby The Church - Under the Milky Way Joe Jackson - Real Men Mazzy Star - Fade Into You The Postmarks - OX4 Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees Beethoven - Piano Sonata in No. 8 in C Minor - Pathetique The xx - Shelter
  10. So cyclical. I was okay a week ago but have been a complete mess the last few days. And to top it all off, I accidentally took a double dose of Ativan the other night, 8mgs total, so I have been zombiefied, for the most part.
  11. My childhood ended when I was around eight years old. That is when I realized that my father was an alcoholic. That is around the time that he started beating me. Almost always when he was drunk. Sometimes with his hands, other times with a belt. One time with the butt of his revolver. I didn't know why, for some reason I thought that I had done wrong and that I deserved it. I didn't do anything other than be born. I guess he did not want children and as the first, and as the only boy, I was the target of the abuse and frustration. This went on for many years, probably until I was 14 when I grew to be a strong young man and could give as good as I got. He did not hit me anymore but the mental abuse intensified and to some extent goes on to this day. Because of this, I grew up in world where violence was both endemic and unremarkable. I was a violent and unpredictable young man. Not a bully, if anything I protected those who could not defend themselves. My temper was awful and my penchant for destruction knew no bounds. I did not abuse my first dog but I was mean to her. I killed my goldfish once because I was bored. I used to fill a jar with water, throw an ant in and watch him drown. Sometimes I would save them and watch them revive. I guess I liked the power of deciding who lives and dies. These were the signs of a child who was deeply disturbed. But nobody did anything, people just turned their heads as always. "Lads will be Lads," right? That was always a classic excuse for psychotic behavior. But these were not the doings of a psychotic young man. They were the doings of a normal young man who was thrust into abnormal circumstances. Circumstances where the ebb and the flow of everyday life alternated in rounds of fear and anger, violence and tears. I wish I could talk to him, but he is long gone. My childhood and, to an extent, my youth were stolen from me. One of the reasons why I am not focused and immature is because of the those awful years. You see, those scars do not heal. It is hard for me to trust people. Very hard. And there are the scars that do show like the one above my right eye or the hearing I lost from being hit repeatedly in the head. I learned that if anyone is going to harm you it is going to be someone you know and love so you basically cannot trust anyone....this is no way to live. Quite often it is those we love who do not have our best interests in mind. So fast forward to now. How do I deal with all that? I learned to forgive, both myself and the man who beat my youth out of me. It seems incredulous but I do not hate him. I do not like him either. Indifference is a far more potent weapon than hate. He did the twelve steps but he never did the step where he had to apologize to those he hurt. It would have been a big deal to me but he didn't do it. In a non-linear way I guess it did not affect as much as one would think. I did grow up to be a caring person, an animal lover and a good husband. But I often dream of people trying to hurt me and I cannot fight back, of being chased and not being able to get away. Those years cast a large shadow over me, I am haunted. It seems strange that my life is where it is now. I guess I broke down because I never dealt with the things that tormented me my whole life and they just fell on me like a ton of bricks. In some ways I have not changed but in others I will never be the same either. There is a part of me that will never be free and that part that is free will never be me. I am rambling. I hope this helps and thank you for reading
  12. I am a big Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan. I hadn't re watched an episode in a while. Yesterday I did.....never underestimate the healing power of laughter
  13. I usually take 6mg of Ativan, 2mgs, 3 times a day. Yesterday I forgot my first two pills so I took 6mg around 22:00. Big mistake, I'm as high as a kite and don't like feeling like this.
  14. It is one of the simplest procedures as far as outpatient. It did not help me very much but I know people who have benefited from it.
  15. Normal and I struggle with those feelings everyday. Therapy has helped me a lot as well as just trying to be positive. Remember, depression will lie to you. It will tell you things that are not true or things that it knows will damage you and keep you down. Even if you feel better it is right behind you waiting for a chance to strike. I found a support group helpful as well as talking to those I am close to. It seems like I am a good person, I just need to remember it more. Be well.
  16. Yes, definitely. 6mg of Klonopin, 40mg of Celexa, 450mg of Wellbutrin and 400mg of Lamictal.
  17. I don't know what your daily dosage is but I had this happen to me not so very long ago. If worse comes to worse split them and try to make them last as long as you can till you get your prescription/medication. You will not get the therapeutic dosage you need vis a vis your anxiety. But it will keep you from getting withdrawals which is something you do not want to go through. All the best.
  18. My cat and I are unmotivated and don't feel like doing anything.
  19. No, not at all. When I visit my parents I go to AA meetings. Everybody, for the most part, there is depressed. So they will relate vice-versa. I have even gone to a few where I live and everyone was really nice. It's a really supportive environment. Give it a go.
  20. I actually feel.....okay. I'm going to a job retraining program sponsored by the State of New York. Two weeks of career counseling and evaluations. A week of psychological testing <== For my Dyslexia. Then they either find you a job or send you back to school. All for free. I finally caught a break.
  21. Sorry I have not been on since Sunday. Rubbish!!!!! You matter!!!!! On these boards and to me. You have a place in the universe, never forget that.
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