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The Purist

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  1. I was okay for a long while.  My depression was under control as well as my anxiety issues.  My Primary Care Physician was constantly telling me I was over medicated.  She was right.  I was taking Lamicatal, Wellbutrin, Celexa and Ativan.  My psychiatrist is very old school so he was not supportive so I decided to go it alone while looking for a new psychiatrist. 

    First I slowly weaned off the Celexa. This was a good thing.  I saw immediate benefits, foremost being the recovery of my libido and losing a bit of weight.  Next was Lamicatal, I knew this was going to be a challenge so I slowly tapered from 400 to 300 to 200 etc. until I was off.  That was around the end of June then BOOM!  I immediately went into a tailspin.  Depressed and very, very anxious.  Very.  Not a stupid person so I realized this was almost certainly the result of being off Lamictal.  I decided to tough it out.  I really wanted to be free of that drug.  I think it is human nature that when are dependent on something, or someone, we rebel against it.  But it has been over a month since I stopped taking it and I still do not feel right. 

    Easy answer is to start taking it again but that is not so easy due to the nature of the drug, the black box warning etc.  Maybe I was wrong, I don't think there is a "Maybe" here but I am trying to be easy on myself, Lamictal was really keeping my anxiety issues at bay.  Now it gets a little worse because I am taking more and more Ativan, a benzodiazepineup to 6mg a day and I am starting to feel like an addict and now I am really dependent on something.  <== Talk about irony.

    The laws in my state limit the dispensing of Class 2's so I only get a 1 month supply of Ativan at at time.  I never run out but at the end of the month I find myself pill counting and getting very anxious.  Benzodiazepine withdrawal is absolute hell.  I went 5 days without Ativan once, I forgot it before a trip, and I get chills just thinking about it.  I really, really would love to get off Ativan but now is not the time.

    Anyway, if you read this far so many thanks. 

  2. I am, and have been, clinically depressed.  I have been out of work for almost two years.  I left my chosen career because I could not stand the stress and it caused me to have two complete breakdowns.  For the last two years I have been trying to figure out something to do but came to the conclusion that I cannot make anywhere near the money I used to make doing anything else.  This is a big deal because I live in New York City.  I have been interviewing for jobs in my chosen profession since February and had a number of offers but have turned all of them down for one reason or another.  The main reason is I don't want to work in the field anymore.  I just don't know what to do.  I am trying to get in that mindset: "It's only 8-9 hours," etc. but i just can't get there.  Can anyone relate?  Thanks in advance.

  3. Absolutely.  Relate completely.  Been stuck in the house for over a year.  Can't stand being here, can't stand being out of work.  But the thought of going back to work terrifies me to the point of thinking of a starting date makes me shake with anxiety.  I've been looking for a job since January but find more excuses for not taking what I am offered than taking one.    And I am not lazy.  If I am then so be it, I can accept that.  But I am not which makes it worse.

  4. Eh, I have something to do tomorrow that is causing me anxiety.  I keep looking at the clock and dreading it.  I will probably sleep poorly tonight which is causing me anxiety as well.  I do not do well with change in general and I am not comfortable being around strangers.  It is a shyness thing and very debilitating.  I manage though but it is very difficult.  What makes it harder is I used to be able to mange it pretty well and function as well.  I do not know what happened to that person but I can't find him anymore.

  5. I have had sleep issues for many years.  Ranging from not being able to awake, waking every hour to not being able to sleep at all.  The only thing that has helped me has been taking Ativan before I go to bed.  At this point I do not think it is working therapeutically but it must help me mentally as my sleep is pretty solid once I take it.  It helped me with the issue of getting up in the middle of the night and eating as well.  I have been told this is due to a serotonin imbalance but I still do it from time to time.  But  now it is small snack, whereas before I would awake and eat a ton.

  6. This is a quote from a movie:

     

    "I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?"

     

    "I am weak and I am a failure.  There is no getting around it.  Someday, I will die, maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed. What difference has my life made to anyone?  None that I can think of. None at all."

     

    Whenever I hear it, I ball my eyes out because it sounds like my life.

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