The Purist

LOL, I can see how that is confusing. I think I was leaning towards it was a mistake to stop my medications but there is definitely a bit of posting and then changing while typing there!

I was okay for a long while. My depression was under control as well as my anxiety issues. My Primary Care Physician was constantly telling me I was over medicated. She was right. I was taking Lamicatal, Wellbutrin, Celexa and Ativan. My psychiatrist is very old school so he was not supportive so I decided to go it alone while looking for a new psychiatrist. First I slowly weaned off the Celexa. This was a good thing. I saw immediate benefits, foremost being the recovery of my libido and losing a bit of weight. Next was Lamicatal, I knew this was going to be a challenge so I slowly tapered from 400 to 300 to 200 etc. until I was off. That was around the end of June then BOOM! I immediately went into a tailspin. Depressed and very, very anxious. Very. Not a stupid person so I realized this was almost certainly the result of being off Lamictal. I decided to tough it out. I really wanted to be free of that drug. I think it is human nature that when are dependent on something, or someone, we rebel against it. But it has been over a month since I stopped taking it and I still do not feel right. Easy answer is to start taking it again but that is not so easy due to the nature of the drug, the black box warning etc. Maybe I was wrong, I don't think there is a "Maybe" here but I am trying to be easy on myself, Lamictal was really keeping my anxiety issues at bay. Now it gets a little worse because I am taking more and more Ativan, a benzodiazepine, up to 6mg a day and I am starting to feel like an addict and now I am really dependent on something. <== Talk about irony. The laws in my state limit the dispensing of Class 2's so I only get a 1 month supply of Ativan at at time. I never run out but at the end of the month I find myself pill counting and getting very anxious. Benzodiazepine withdrawal is absolute hell. I went 5 days without Ativan once, I forgot it before a trip, and I get chills just thinking about it. I really, really would love to get off Ativan but now is not the time. Anyway, if you read this far so many thanks.

I walk to work. It's around 1 1/2 miles. I usually feel better as the buses and subways are depressing.

I managed to keep my CPAP mask on all night and only slept for 8 hours. Big accomplishment,

I am, and have been, clinically depressed. I have been out of work for almost two years. I left my chosen career because I could not stand the stress and it caused me to have two complete breakdowns. For the last two years I have been trying to figure out something to do but came to the conclusion that I cannot make anywhere near the money I used to make doing anything else. This is a big deal because I live in New York City. I have been interviewing for jobs in my chosen profession since February and had a number of offers but have turned all of them down for one reason or another. The main reason is I don't want to work in the field anymore. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to get in that mindset: "It's only 8-9 hours," etc. but i just can't get there. Can anyone relate? Thanks in advance.

I was 8 years old. I burst out crying because I realized I was not a baby anymore. I have spent the rest of my life looking back, never in the moment and certainly never looking ahead.

Tired Bored Tired

Absolutely. Relate completely. Been stuck in the house for over a year. Can't stand being here, can't stand being out of work. But the thought of going back to work terrifies me to the point of thinking of a starting date makes me shake with anxiety. I've been looking for a job since January but find more excuses for not taking what I am offered than taking one. And I am not lazy. If I am then so be it, I can accept that. But I am not which makes it worse.

Got up. Late of course. Did some dishes. Showed, shaved. Probably all I'll do today. Don't feel like doing much. fantasizing about pumping poison gas through my CPAP machine.

What's the point of it all?

Only when necessary but I am not sure if that is because of my depression. Given the choice between going out and staying home I would always do the latter in happier times.

Losing a pet is like losing a family member. I empathize.

Not motivated, not ambitious, don't really care all that much.

You hairline looks fine and you look great. I started losing my hair when I was 14 and was completely bald by 18. That was 28 years ago. Didn't bother me then and certainly does not bother me now. It's just dead that grows out of your head.

Eh.....just two letters but it means a lot.