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renee2

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renee2 last won the day on January 27 2016

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About renee2

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  • Birthday 08/15/1963

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  1. Hello, everyone. I continue to read your posts and send out some love to those who are not feeling the best and congratulate those who've achieved a level of happiness throughout their day. Thanks for sharing the puppy moment, Wisteria. Remembering how sweet they are with their warm puppy breath made me smile inside. I, too, enjoy baseball on the radio. I used to live next to a park and could hear little ones playing ball. It's funny how certain sounds create images that seem to comfort people. I think of paste when the school buses start running in the fall. I also enjoy the sound of a squeaky swing. My youngest son and I spent a lot of time swinging and talking while doing so throughout his childhood. I think of him when I hear the sound. He got married three weeks ago and I am so happy I got to dance with him. It was a very emotional day, but the love they have for one another was obvious. My son cried when he saw her walking down the isle. My daughter officiated the ceremony and my oldest son was the best man and two of my grandchildren were in the wedding party so it was really emotional. I walked him down the isle to Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I cried. I waited until after the wedding to go to the doctor about my back. They did an x-ray and I have a bit of slippage in a few of the disks. They're scheduling an MRI to check for nerve root impingement. I have a lot of pain going down my left leg. I'm kind of relaxed about the situation. I've had so many physical problems this past year that I seem to be building a better coping system. I hope you all find something to smile about as you travel through your day.
  2. Thanks, Sal. I'm envious of your desire to write. I keep telling myself I'll start doing it again one day or at least try to publish the book I've completed, but fear of failure holds me back. I've no real excuses left not to do it. I can see where I stayed tangled up in one thing after the other to avoid dealing with my own pain but my current situation is different. I don't have a ton of obligations, the children are raised, the grandkids are well cared for, my lifestyle is modest but doable, I have no health issues going on and because I work twelve hour shifts I have plenty of time off. It's true that these are new circumstances for me as things were a mess up until recently but I just keep putting my life on hold. I'm sending you good writing energy.
  3. Mywarmblood, Please don't listen to people who would have you think you're too far gone to have a normal life. I just can't imagine a healthy person saying this to someone. I have had times in my life when people had every right to assume I wouldn't survive. I was abusing my body with drugs and didn't want to live. Fortunately I did survive drug abuse, but then I had ,many hard times as I tried to stay sober while learning about all of the things that led up to that. It was terrifying to dig into the past, but I did it and I understand it now. I still don't appreciate the way I had to learn about being victimized and then had to learn how to not be a victim anymore and then, which is where I'm at now, try to learn how to not cause myself simple harms like denying myself pleasure, but it is what it is. My goal is to keep trying to believe I deserve the best until I actually do believe it. You deserve great things, too.
  4. I'm trying so hard to teach myself to do more than survive life. When I look back I see a series of starts and stops when it comes to happiness and living a meaningful life. Now that I have a minimal amount of chaos I can actually think about what I want instead of just getting by, but doing just that has become such a habit for me. My youngest child, my son, is getting married in a few weeks. The family dynamics are running full force. I am learning a lot about myself right now. It's hard. Two of my grandchildren are in the wedding and I have taken on the task of purchasing their clothes for the wedding. I got a great deal of pleasure out of treating them and spared little expense in buying them good quality clothing, but today I bought myself a pair of earrings and though I didn't pay as much for them as I did some of the kids stuff, I felt guilty about it. I am excited to have them as they are green quartz and quite pretty, but in the back of my head I was thinking I didn't really need them and it was a waste of money, but reality tells me I'll get much more use out of them then my grandkids will out of clothes they will outgrow. I wonder when, if ever, I'll stop feeling undeserving. I guess the good news is I'm aware of it.
  5. Sometimes I think the biggest obstacle I face is thinking too much about how I'm living my life. I would love to know how it feels to be someone who's just doing what needs to be done on a daily basis without fretting about how it appears to others, or feeling guilt about the past, or reflecting on those things I said, or didn't say that I now regret. I hate looking back and seeing the number of people I involved myself with who took advantage of me, too. It makes me so angry and yet I can't stop doing it which tells me I get some benefit from it. My guess is it keeps me from having to take full responsibility for my life. There are no more abusive relationships in my world. There are people who try to be passive aggressive with me, but I know that's their stuff and they know that I have limits. Rarely does anyone cross the line anymore. Part of my sadness comes from knowing that my circle has gotten smaller as I don't respond in the way I used to and because of that I'm less valuable to them. Some people need a target for their pain. I get that it's because they're hurting, so I'm not as destroyed by it as I used to be, but knowing I can't handle it emotionally and I don't want that kind of chaos in my life, is a big motivator for not getting to close. I got a raise and a promotion at work last week. I also had a long conversation with my soon to be daughter in law, which was a huge emotional expenditure but well worth it. We both expressed happiness over being able to communicate and cleared up some clouds that had been hanging around. I was also able to go to the fruit and vegetable stand yesterday. This is a huge relief for me as the diet I'd been on to treat my colon problem worked. I'm now in remission and can eat more foods. This is all good stuff but I think it's caused me to just be tired right now. I feel so protective of myself. I hope we can all be gentle with ourselves today.
  6. Hugs to all of you who are suffering just now. I'm hoping I can just take better care of myself today than I did yesterday. It was enough to just get to the grocery store and take a nice bath before bed. I watched movies all day, which following a two day, long, work schedule wasn't too bad but still I wonder how long I'll tell myself that it's okay to be so tired. When will I jump back into life. Right now I'm past the point of thinking it's good enough that I work and spend time with my grandchildren. It's true that I just went into remission from colitis, which means the part of my problems that were stemming from the physical illness are vanishing, and I can eat more than just potatoes, rice, and beef, and I can attend functions without wondering when my stomach will fail me, and I'm gaining strength again, but I am still not really living life. My son's upcoming wedding has triggered a lot of family dynamics and i was triggered Saturday morning just as I started my weekend work schedule. My niece was in a horrible car accident last week. She suffered many injuries but the one that's causing her the most trouble is the fractured pelvis and misaligned hips. They had to go in a put a rod in to stabilize them and she will have to have a lot of physical therapy and a wheelchair for quite some time. My niece lives with my mom. So, the triggering part for me was that my mom sent me a message Saturday morning telling me that she needed to let my son know that she won't be attending his reception, which is seven weeks from now, and that if my niece can't make the wedding she may not be there either. Though I was hurt and mad I simply replied that I knew it must seem overwhelming to her now about how she would manage to care for Abbie, that the wedding is still a ways from now and that things would be better by then. She responded by asking me if I'd even read her text. I told her that I thought I'd read correctly and that it sounded as if she was saying she may not make his wedding and that it made me sad to think that she would even consider missing it. This is new behavior for me. I normally would have either said it was okay or that I understood, but this is not okay with me. I am very sorry about my niece, but she is seventeen years old and she will either be able to be by herself by then or another family member can stay with her. In other words, my son is important too. She takes great pride in assuming the title of being his grandma. He is a great kid. The truth is my mother has had to step up and care for my siblings children. She is seventy years old and has never not had children at home to raise. Addiction and depression has left my siblings unable to care for their kids, so my mother stepped up. I both admire her for that and resent that my kids had less time with her because my kids always had me, which is true but though I tried I had my own set of really bad times and still do. None of this is the fault of my children. They need their grandparents, too. I want these old family dynamics to end. I don't want to be sad on my son's wedding day because my parents don't show up. He will pretend it doesn't matter but I will know differently. Sorry for the rant but I get a better understanding of what's really bothering me when I have to try to put it into words for someone else to understand.
  7. I wish I were the type of person who would actually do the things I sit about and think about doing. I wonder how many brain cells I've wasted thinking about stuff that either can't be changed or is none of my business. I think this paleo diet thing is starting to wear me out. Not so much the food I'm eating, and I am happy that there are no longer any weird substances in my body, for the most part, but the whole buying, storing, preparing everything I eat. One of the things that I've learned throughout this colon issue is that vitamin D is really good for treating depression. You see, I can't take antidepressants now. Even the magnesium I need to take has to be sprayed on my body. Nothing was being absorbed, so all supplements and medications had to be stopped. I'm much better now, in some ways, but all of the work I did last year to get well had to be stopped. I even had to stop hormone replacement therapy. Now I fear I'll get depressed and hormonal again. I'm just now going in to what is called remission, which means I can move a few feet away from the bathroom without fear. I'm excited about that. This has been a really lonely and exhausting time for me. I will say that my new eating plan has revealed to me just how much I was relying on food to deal with emotions and just how much some of that food was adding to the lethargy I had going on. Crap, kids, does it ever just get easy?
  8. I haven't posted in a while and just wanted to check in and see how you all are doing. I haven't been so well physically, but I am getting better. My colonoscopy showed I have lymphocytic colitis, which has really been a challenge for me. I'm on a five ingredient diet which seems to be helping, but I had to stop all supplements, antidepressant therapy, and HRT, too. Anyway, the long and short of it is everything causes me to be sick and until I get my colon calmed down I have to be super careful. These two diseases don't play well together, but I had no choice. The meds for one activate the other and I cannot live without being able to keep food in long enough to absorb the nutrients. I was suffering from magnesium and vitamin d deficiency which was causing me a lot of pain and lethargy. I took this week off work to get some rest and it has helped. I think of you all often and hope that everyone finds a way to love life again. We are some strong people enduring these illnesses.
  9. In AA we have a saying that alcoholics are the only people who have to try twice as hard to feel half as good. I think this is true for some of us, too. What if I stopped trying so hard? It isn't like the world would stop revolving. I'd just be giving myself a break. I'm trying to give up on the idea that I'll someday be a person who doesn't speak out of turn, or get really sensitive about something that's said, or whatever. It's a rainy day here in Ohio. I hope you all find a rainbow or some light in your journey today.
  10. Sometimes I wonder why I've stayed in health care for so long. The pay is adequate, but not reason for dedicating one's life for it. The atmosphere isn't pleasant with it's bad smells and clinical presentation. The patients can be demanding, which is exhausting. The physical and emotional elements are difficult, too. But, yesterday a resident told me that I was good for the heart and I remembered the importance of just being a human amongst humans. I also had a conversation with an elderly gentleman who comes to the nursing home every day to visit his wife who has had MS for twenty years. He can no longer care for her at home and though this saddens him he deals with it. I asked him, which is something I do with most of my residents, what he felt was the most important thing he's done in his life. His answer was so simple that I've been thinking about it all night. He said smile. It's the first time in my career that I've heard this response. Most people say take care of their family. I find it interesting that nobody has ever responded with what I observe most people spend their life doing. Not one person has said establish a career, buy a home or anything for that matter, travel (though some have credited their happiness on recalling memories of such times). Smile. It's something most of us can do. I doesn't cost a thing. It makes others feel well. It increases feeling of well being in the wearer of the smile. Simple, yet so complicated. Could it be that I've spent my whole life trying to do all sorts of things and the most important of them all was to smile?
  11. I have been having a time with some physical problems, but there is finally hope that the symptoms may improve. After a bout with an apparent bacterial or viral infection that presented itself as a stomach bug except it lasted for three or more months, in which I had many different tests to rule out possible causes, a colonoscopy revealed something called lymphocytic colitis. I just found this out yesterday, so I'm in the early stages of learning what it's about, but apparently it's relatively rare. It's treatment consists of three months of steroids. The cause is unknown and it's iffy as to relapse after steroid use is stopped. It's only dangerous if one becomes malnourished or dehydrated from the chronic diarrhea, which is it's hallmark symptom. It can only be diagnosed with a colonoscopy because the colon looks otherwise normal and the white cells that accumulate in the colon can only be detected with random biopsies. I'm so grateful my gastro doc thought to collect those. The isolation I have experienced in the past few months due to not being able to control my bowel has been really, really hard. Some research indicates that SSI's or NSAIDS may cause the problem. I've gone off my antidepressants, it's been a few weeks now and though I seem to care a bit more about what's going on around me I also have increased anxiety, I think. I've never been on steroids before but I've heard not so pleasant things about what they can do to your mood. The one I'm on is supposed to be easier to deal with because it is absorbed mainly in the intestinal tract and has fewer side effects. It's the same one they use to treat Chron's disease (budesonide). I feel as if I have no choice though. I cannot have a normal life trying to manage everything around bathroom detail. Has anyone else experienced this?
  12. DustyRoad, One of the tests I had done today was a blood test that's for Celiac Disease. He's also testing my thyroid, for cdiff, which I tested negative for some weeks ago, and I'm not sure what the colonoscopy is for. He also asked me if I've been out of the country and mentioned that there are some bacterial infections that are rare. I've not been out of the country though. I'm just frustrated. I can't figure out how someone could gain weight with all of the bowel movements going on. Anyway, my blood pressure was 181/94 at the doctor's office yesterday. It concerns me a great deal to undergo a procedure with this kind of blood pressure. I feel like a train wreck. It's a beautiful day and I'm afraid to go around my grandchildren with this kind of unknown thing going on with me. That's depressing in and of itself. I'm trying to get a lot of stuff done and had a fairly successful day. I got the labs and stool test done and I met with a financial advisor at the hospital to see if I can get any help with the medical bills that are piling up. I make fairly good money and have insurance but my deducible is so high that my insurace sometimes seems like a waste. I pay so much for it and then have to pay out of pocket before it covers anything. Thanks everyone for the support. This just sucks. On a lighter note, I met with the breast surgeon and my first post biopsy untrasound showed no signs of growth. One down and three more to go and I will be on a once a year mammogram plan. I really have to work on not resenting myself for not keeping up with routine health exams. I didn't have insurance for a while and after I got it I scheduled all of these appointments and nearly all of them came back requiring some treatment. None of them came back with horrible results but I am tired of all of the health stuff. Oh well, I know some of you have had bad results with your tests and are undergoing treatment for worse things. I wish you a speedy recovery. I feel especially empathetic towards those of you with drinking and or drug problems as that was such a problem for me too. I want to say all of the cheery stuff like you can do it and such, but I do know how hard it is and I was never able to overcome that one by myself. I had to go to AA, though I know that doesn't work for everyone. Love to you all.
  13. It's been a while since I posted anything and I just wanted to say hi to everyone. I've read many of your posts but there's way to much to catch up on, so let me just say you're all in my thoughts and prayers. I've not been feeling to special lately. Emotionally I'm just worn out. It would seem this intestinal bug or whatever it is I have has gotten the best of me. I saw a gastro guy today, after trying everything I could think of to help, and now have some more tests ordered. It's been eight weeks or so of not being able to hold on to any sort of food. You would think I'd have lost weight but the exact opposite has happened. So, I finally gave up thinking it was something that would pass. I'm really looking forward to finding out the problem and working on a solution. He did tell me that my zero energy thing is normal for someone who's running to the bathroom ten times a day. Seriously, maybe TMI, but this is ridiculous. I can't remember when the celexa dose went from 20 to 40 mg a day but maybe that added to the problem? I stopped taking it a week ago to see if it helped and it hasn't so maybe not. I'm starting to feel like a hypochondriac though and this has me depressed. Of course the facts can't be denied. It's not normal to have bowels react like this suddenly and every single day. Geesh. Enough already. The rest of my world is looking up. I'm only working days now, so sleep is better. Take care, everyone.
  14. I have been down with bronchitis for the past couple of weeks. I just took my last dose of zpak and though still not full throttle, I am feeling better. I still have something going on with my stomach, but the tests confirmed that I do not have cdiff. I can't keep anything in my stomach. I'm on a clear liquid diet and though my white cell count is coming down, it's still elevated. I'm supposed to make an appointment with a gi specialist, but I'm just not feeling it. Maybe once the bronchitis is completely resolved I'll change my mind but the doctor's visits and lab tests from last week has me worn out for now. I'm secretly hoping my digestive system will reset itself and I won't have to go. I just sometimes feel as if my health is so connected to my stress level and though my symptoms are real and need treatment I want to try some better self care and stress reduction before they go probing me some more. I guess the stuff triggered from my dog being put down and brief contact with my ex got me more than I care to admit. On a lighter note, I have been making my home really cozy. I spent the last couple of years spending too much time in my bedroom, so I thought making the living room more comfortable may help me get out of there. So, I hung some pictures, got some candles, bought a real television. ha. The one I have in my bedroom is really old. It's one of those that has a dvd and video tape player with it. I actually managed to hood that sucker up myself. I also bought a pretty yellow shelf and am in the process of putting it together. So, I'm pretty happy about the fact that though I felt like crap I didn't just sit there. I'm so sorry that many of us are suffering right now. I wish there was more I could do to ease the burden for all of us, yet I know we will all continue to ride these ups and downs and hopefully just be able to offer one another some support and love where needed. Take care, everyone.
  15. I'm sorry your are feeling bad tonight. Lots of times I feel worse at night than during the day. Everything seems more intensified, I guess because we not distracted by our daily routine of working and such. My mind works overtime at night too, feeling lonely and depressed. But the next day can be completely different and somewhat joyful. Guess we just have to take it a day at a time and reach out when we need to. The forum is such a great place to vent or express your feelings any time of any day knowing people will hear you, understand, and try to help you feel better. I've followed some of your posts and am especially impressed how you are helping others cope among many things. Being a writer also caught my attention. And I'd like to thank you for your response to my post about having writer's block, and telling me about the One Step at a Time forum. I'll check it out. Hopefully you will feel better tomorrow. And thank you for being the caring and supportive person you are, as demonstrated through your posts and responses. Best to you and hugs too. What's the One Step at a Time Forum? I used to get so much enjoyment from writing. I am starting to get that itch back, but never put anything down on paper anymore. A few years ago I worked on a book and felt so alive during the process. i did finish that book, but never followed through with the very complicated process of seeking publication.
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