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Everything posted by ffontaine

  1. I've been running, I'm at the beach and it inspires me to run there by the sea. Walking more than running. Makes me feel good when I do it.
  2. Inherent vice was pretty cool fizzle. I liked it a lot. Joaquin Phoenix reminds me of the Dude from the big lebowski
  3. Frozen, I relate so much to what you said about not being able to relate to people because the culture changed so much. Even though I'm 25 I feel like I'm a very old soul, like I have stopped in time. I don't follow modern music, movies, I don't even know what's happening in the world nowadays. I dont know how to use new apps and gadgets, I look at the way people dress, the new slangs and I don't recognize them. I fell into such a deep depression, I isolated from 90% of the people I sometimes related (acquaintences really, I can't call them friends). I withdrew myself from the world, alienated. I'm seriously considering going back to university, as I graduated in something I dislike, but I'm also fearful about being around a bunch of youngsters who are much more aware of the world than I am
  4. I identify so much with what desperados wrote. I only see sorrow when I look at myself in the mirror. It's been a long time since I don't laugh, since I don't feel good about something, since I don't relax. I can notice the sadness in my appearance, the pale skin, the sad eyes
  5. I do this all the time. I know very well what I could have done differently and at what moment in my life I could have done it differently. I'm very sure if I had done these things differently my life would be very different, for the better.
  6. Today I feel really bad. Remembering good things from the past that will never come back again. Remembering how I had things good in my life but didn't realize it. I'd trade my soul to be able to go back some years into the past
  7. I'm on the same boat Shawn and ladysmurf. Lost touch with all the few friends I had. Happened this year, when I reached the lowest point of my life so far. It gets really lonely. Worst thing is knowing they tried to keep in touch but I pushed them away. Too unmotivated to see them and too ashamed of my situation to talk to them about what I feel.
  8. I have social phobia since I was a little child. My symptoms are pratically the same as shelbytaylor's. I'm 25 and it hasn't got any better. I developed ocd as well and constantly ruminate about myself and each possible negative thing i might have said and done. I'm unemployed and the fear and discomfort of being around coworkers, bosses and being evaluated for my performance are the biggest impediment for me to try getting a job. When I had jobs in the past it was hell and I ended up quitting suddenly because I just couldn't stand the constant anxiety and fear. The obsessive self awareness dictated my life and certainly closed many doors, got in the way of experimenting and getting to know myself and what my goals are, and made me socially isolated.
  9. Thinking obsessively about a pile of problems that's tall as a skyscraper and not doing anything to solve any of them as I'm paralyzed by fear and anxiety. Not thinking about anything else and not doing anything about what's wrong as usual, my mind is blank and I'm stuck in the same spot as always
  10. Cease my existence, just disappear, and erase any record of ever existing. As if I was never born
  11. Really miserable, didn't sleep this night. It's 4:40 am so I figured I just won't sleep at all, hate this insomnia. Deeply depressed, thinking about how screwed I am in every possible way. Very bad thoughts in my head
  12. I feel you didi, I identify with so much of what you have written. I also believe I was never happy my entire life, just some periods of fake confidence of a better future and that things could go better, or feelings of love for people I don't even know if loved me back. You seem to have a lot of hard stuff going on. I'm sure you're not pathetic and hope your brain gives you some peace of mind with the self loathing thoughts .
  13. You seem to be a loving and caring father, a good person. Your history of abuse and the current abuse from your wife are horrible things, and you're a very strong person to have endured it all. Keep being strong now in this difficult moment and please don't do it, you have faced so much and achieved so much, having a family and your business. You deserve to live
  14. Well youre not alone underdog. Me and many people here are struggling with every aspect of their lives too. Hang in there and hope you feel at home in this community. Welcome!
  15. Hey watalife, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm on the same boat, no nothing. Hope things get better for us
  16. I'm seeing a psychiatrist, taking meds and started CBT therapy with a psychologist a month ago. I've been on and off with therapy since I was 22, but I should have started much earlier. I felt better two times and stopped therapy, just to start again later. I think this volunteering is going to be stressful, but if it gets too intense im just going to make an excuse not to go anymore. I just hope to build tolerance to being around people... It's not that I completely isolated these last years, I got together with people occasionally, like ex class mates, going to barbeques, being with my ex girlfriends family, teaching school kids, doing a dull secretary like job in my college which has very little social interaction. But now that i dont know what I'm gonna do with my life I feel like i m worthless. Being dumped by my ex gf really messed me up too, I still think of her a lot, still love her, and it hurts to know she got tired of me. Thank for the support Christina!
  17. What a great thread! And I liked what you wrote nisemono, its beautiful! Well... Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *******ed anxiety, *******ed blankness in my mind, *******ed obsessive thoughts, I'm thinking the same for months and I haven't done anything at all, didnt make any progress at all!
  18. Feeling really anxious, gonna spend the whole weekend on a conference from the volunteering work I just joined. Lots of social interaction, real stress to me
  19. Hi Candice. I'm 25 too, problems with anxiety and depression. It's cool you're into bukowski, I love his writing... Depressing stuff, I identify a lot with his stories. There are many people here battling depression, you'll find a lot of people to talk to and relate to. Hope you adapt well with your new medication and find some relief!
  20. Venting my thoughts here. I'm feeling really miserable now, extremely anxious and depressed. I recently joined a volunteer organization, its an organization runned by students, people aged 18 to 30 years old, its goal being selling internship programs to interested young people. It's supposed to develop its members leadership skills, social skills, opening your mind to different opportunities, getting to know people. The thing is, I'm completely anxious about this volunteering stuff, I've always avoided social interactions as much as I could, and for the last two years I isolated big time, basically relating to my parents, two friends and my ex girlfriend. I decided to stop chasing jobs and qualification on Business, i decided only yo graduate, take my diploma and put in a drawer. I've been unemployed this whole time, first I focused on studying to get admission in a public bank, I studied a lot and did the test, but I'm sure I'm not getting the job they're not hiring anyone anymore and it was dull, stressfull, boring public bank office work. Then I focused on teaching private classes to school kids and studying to get in an engineering university. But I abandoned this plan too, I got unmotivated, started to feel like studying five more years to be an engineer would be too much and it wasn't something I wanted so much. Now I'm single, my girlfriend dumped me last month, and I'm just spending my days at home doing nothing. I miss her, she was my girlfriend, my best friend, my companion. I don't have any projects for the future, I don't know what I could do out of my life. The social anxiety is high, I fear being seen by my neighbors, I envy my old school buddies who are living normal lives while I'm here, hiding inside my house, feeling deeply depressed and afraid of interacting to people. I'm ashamed of letting people know of my situation, as it is certainly not normal. It's easy to see I'm tense and depressed around people. I don't have anything to talk about to people, I don't watch TV, I don't listen to music anymore, I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I smoke MJ (w.eed) to calm down, the anxiety is so strong. I cry everyday, I just don't know what to do, I don't know how I can live a normal life. Im getting very tense about my activities on the volunteering, and I'm not interested in doing them. I'm not interested in anything really, no idea of what I could do for a living, I don't feel like studying any subject, working some office job, or any job really. Social anxiety really took its toll on me. I know its the social interaction that I dread so much, I know I'm not like normal people, I'm not happy, I'm not relaxed, I'm negative, shy and awkward. I don't have initiative at work, I always expect people to tell me what to do, and anything at work stresses me so much. I'm never sure about anything, my mind is always blocked by anxiety and negative thoughts. I have zero self confidence, no self esteem. I despise myself actually. I simply cannot function normally in the world. I realize I can't take any decision about what I want to do, what I like, because I don't know these things. I always need someone to do things for me, to make decisions for me. I don't trust myself a bit, I'm VERY insecure. Being anxious and down like this simply because now I have to interact to a lot of people really sucks. I can't enjoy social interaction at all. All of this makes me want to **** myself, I have daily suicidal ideation. I'm just wasting my life,hiding away, afraid of people. Deeply afraid of people, self medicating from time to time with MJ to be able to calm down a little. It's hell
  21. You should get out of this group therapy, it's not gonna work if the other patients are there against their will, they'll prevent your own treatment.
  22. Hey Nick, welcome! You'll find friends and encouragement here :)
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