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About Fray13

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    Utica, NY

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  1. While I DO have them, I hate having better or good mood days because I know that they will NEVER last. And once again, I'll be stuck back in the same low place I was before.
  2. Anxious. On edge. My right front tooth snapped off on Friday night and I don't have money or insurance or anything to fix it. Now I feel even MORE self conscious when I go out into public (shopping, work, etc). I'm already an ugly freak and this is just more icing on the cake. Thanks a lot "life".
  3. Kitten Bowl on Hallmark channel. I love both this AND the Puppy Bowl on AP. I'd watch 10 hours of these any time rather than even 10 SECONDS of the Super Bowl.
  4. Sorry I don't respond very often, but it's hard to get on the computer where I'm living right now. 6 people living in the same house, one computer. My insomnia is both a blessing and a curse. Keeps me awake so I can come on here when everyone else is asleep. But then I feel SO tired when the sun comes up. Taking "cat naps" during the day doesn't help much and I'm not really into prescription meds (meaning, I don't really care for them). I know many of them are addictive and I don't want to "need" them. No offense to anyone who does take them. They're just not for me.
  5. Barely getting any sleep, leading to MORE anxiety, moodiness, headaches. I get maybe a couple hours sleep, if that, and then I don't feel like facing another day...I don't remember the last time I had a good one.
  6. Thank you for the encouraging words Floor2017. I haven't had the desire to seek professional help in years, but I'm starting to give it some SERIOUS consideration just to stop feeling this way. I hate it. I want to cry, but can't. I have thoughts every. single. day (more than once a day) about ******* myself (how, when, where). And the only REAL support I get is from reading and posting on here. I don't post very often and I don't have the desire to explain my situation or how depression and anxiety invited themselves into my life (yet). Suffice to say I hate my life right now and have for a while. But reading others' posts and occasionally posting myself and getting the kindest replies is something that keeps me going. Thank you Floor2017 and everyone else on here. You're the ONLY ones who truly know what it feels like.
  7. Stuck in the biggest rut I've ever been in my life. No where I can go. Nothing I can do about it. Anxiety weighing heavy on every part of my being.
  8. Two songs: Only Happy When It Rains by Garbage. Some have said it's about enjoying being depressed...but it's not. Anyway, the song just makes me feel better. Poem by Taproot. Most of the lyrics seem to be about depression and it's another song that makes me feel better.
  9. There's an independent movie called 'Melancholia'. It's not a 'huge Hollywood movie' by any standards.
  10. The holidays...ugh! They start too early (around October now???). The advertisements, the songs, the decorations, the merchandise, the food, the "cheerfulness", the GREED. I hate all of it. The sight, the sound, etc. So, every year my mother asks everyone in our family for their "Christmas Lists" and every year I never give her one because I don't WANT anything for Christmas (same for my birthday). If I WANT or NEED something...I'll buy it myself. Only I know what I want and I don't want other people buying stuff for me that I don't want or need. But--she and other family members get me "stuff" anyway. I don't buy them anything, anyway. I don't care. In my opinion, people buy stuff for other people not just to make those people feel good, but to make THEMSELVES feel good too. When they see how "happy" someone is with a gift, it gives them a good feeling too. But I don't get that feeling. Getting OR giving doesn't make me feel that way...AT ALL. IF I'm not feeling it in Nov. or the beginning of Dec. I KNOW for sure that X-Mas week will always, ALWAYS, put me back into my depressive mindset. Never fails. I'm feeling it right now and I can't stand it. People seem even MORE cheerful because it's "almost here". But I can't and don't want to match their enthusiasm. All I want is to let them enjoy their stupid holiday and leave me out of it. But nooooo, I'm part of the family (doesn't always feel that way) and should be included. Just leave me alone for the day. They can't/don't seem to be able to get it through their heads that Christmas doesn't make ME feel as good as it make THEM feel. Greedy people asking for stuff they don't need (they WANT), stuffing their faces with more food than they need (they WANT), and having family and friends over to talk about stuff that I have no interest in. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather **** myself than go through another holiday season.
  11. Anger is, undoubtedly, one of the biggest emotions with my depression. I don't act on it -- towards people (even though THEY are one of the main causes, triggers of it). I act on it towards objects. I shove things, throw things, hit things (walls, etc.) But NEVER animals. Animals are the one thing in this world I would NEVER harm. Truth is, though, that my anger is kept in most of the time. I know "they" say it's not healthy, but if I "acted out" with my anger I would possibly end up incarcerated. And with my depression, there's no way I couldn't handle that.
  12. I'm not much of a fan of pop or ballads, but I really like Kelly Clarkson's 'Breakaway'.
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