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About MrFrenzy

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  • Birthday 03/07/1979

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    New York, NY
  1. I looked up the definition on wikipedia. I definitely agree with "passive joylessness and dreariness, discouragement, dejection, lack of taste and zest and spring." but i'm not sure if this is true for me "inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable, e.g. exercise, hobbies, music, sexual activities or social interactions." I'm certainly a hedonist and derive my pleasures from many things. They also mention "motivational anhedonia" but i would argue that motivation is an emotion and we can not, obviously, rely on our emotions as a source of action. I think discipline is a good idea to focus on at this time as I lack it completely. I think the question is, what do you want? What do I want? Nothing!... well maybe not,... I do want a nice girl, a big family, and many other things, but i don't want them hard enough? I don't want them enough to do something about it and always choose the easy way out. Out of everything, denying myself the possibility to even succeed, because? It is more comfortable, its easier, safe. I started brainstorming about what I'd want out of life if i had enough money to have my needs met AND a loving relationship. What would I want then? Ideas poured over days, there are many, but I just don't have the want, nor the discipline to achieve (i'm my own excuse note). I just hate that I'm squandering a good mind, body, soul and I have all i need in life, live in a big city,... I'm attending a very prestigious university, i got so much going for me, but i squander it all.
  2. "The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality, and it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment." -Andrew Solomon
  3. I've had issues with depression for most of my life, and usually i come out of a struggle. I'm male 36. A few years ago I had a bad breakup with the most ideal mate in life (for a laundry list of reasons beyond the person), and saw myself spiral into the deepest depths of hell I've ever been through. I got meds and therapy and eventually got back on my feet, once again, however I'm not sure I've weathered the storms well. During that time I thought about suicide daily but never attempted it or came close. I just couldn’t do that to my parents. So its been 3-4 years now and I’ve been a lifeless drone just as I had been years ago. After the break-up, I mourned; I felt as if i’ve killed someone, her. I fell apart because it was my own doing. I recalled things i’ve said or done and saw my own handiwork performing the destruction. It was horrible witnessing oneself as such, sheer horror to see that you are the one, you are the one who did the m*****. I’m speaking in metaphors obviously, but I felt bad for hurting her and felt i killed a person I loved, a spirit. And I’ve felt like I didn’t wanna live anymore. It would have been so much easier to just end it. But i just realized that I did it anyway, I committed suicide in some mental or spiritual way. I killed myself. I’m lifeless, a drone, a shadow. Everything I do is… without life… I don’t want anything. It's all mechanical? reactionary? I’m a robot. Its all fake. All of it. (Besides my desires?) So, yes, in a way I committed spiritual suicide, and now I’m just a warm body walking around. I do what I need, go to work, etc. This just dawned on me, even though I thought about this before. Everything about me is lifeless. I cannot attempt to attain anything at all, love, work, school, social… anything at all, if i’m dead, if i continue to be dead. I want to achieve discipline, why? Because it would enable me get better and do other things, and actually get them accomplished. But i cannot attain discipline if i’m dead. Or is it the other way around? I need discipline to come back to life? How do you bring oneself back to life? The flame inside has died, there's nothing... -MF
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