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Locut0s

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Locut0s last won the day on September 14 2013

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About Locut0s

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  • Birthday 04/19/1982

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  1. More of those who suffer from mental illness do, but even many of them don't.To be 34 and never have a close friend your entire life. To never have a relationship. Never even hold hands with someone. To laugh at every joke in a desperate attempt to connect. To be everything to everyone because at the core you are nothing to yourself. To take substances to numb yourself to the point where your very life is in danger, because, who cares. To cry yourself to sleep every night for years as a child because you don't think anyone likes you, and then somewhere along the line to stop because you just accept it. To walk super market isles aimlessly at night because just the sound of people going about their daily lives is more comforting than the internal dialogue in your own head. To work retail and have hundreds of connections a day, thousands a week, hundreds of thousands a year, and none your entire life. To watch the very few friends you DO have form relationships, have happy lives, and realize that you are just some side line movie extra in the background.
  2. Sorry I meant red alcohol above. EDIT, what the, it doesn't allow me to say W.I.N.E?
  3. I've been depressed and anxious since since close to my memory began. There was a period of some years when I may have been happy as a very young child although as always these early memories are vague and indistinct. At times the depression has been very serious and I've thought of suicide, although never made attempts. I've also been enabled and suffocated by my parents, although I play a huge part in this. I lived with them and off them till a little over a year ago, I'm 34. Things have improved factually a lot as I've moved out with their help, but I still lean on them too much. At any rate I'm now much more independent and technically speaking much more at peace and happy. I say technically because ever since moving out, while I am not triggered by my parents, and don't feel desperately trapped I now face perhaps a more sinister adversary. Loneliness. Loneliness has coupled itself to my life long depression and anxiety and I ended up seeking out alcohol as my self destructive coping mechanism of choice. Over the years I've had problems with drinking but they were mostly intermittent. Getting wasted at a family function. But it's become more and more chronic over the years. In the past 6 months it progressed to daily heavy drinking. I was drinking a bottle of red alcohol and between 1 and 4 tall beers EVERY night (though only that much in the past month and 1/2 or so). The other day I made a promise to myself to try to stop. I've since tapered off to 1 alcohol a day to stave off the physical alcohol withdrawal symptoms. However what has come rushing back are the raw emotions that got me drinking in the first place. A deep sense of emptiness, sadness, depression, hopelessness and purposelessness. I think some of this is heightened by the withdrawal but I also remember these feelings vividly too so I know a lot of it is just the old beast returned too. This makes staying sober all the harder of course. For those wondering yes I'm on medication, Prozac, and have tried many in the past. I go to group therapy. I'm just at such a loss as to what to do now. I'm extremely dissatisfied with my life. Been working retail the past 10 years despite the potential for so much more. But when not using some self destructive coping mechanism, I struggle to just want to live a lot of the time let alone realise my potential. I'm weary of life.
  4. Thank you very much Ixeua! Yes those are mine. Photography is a serious off and on side hobby of mine. I have thought occasionally of trying to take it professional but that is a very very difficult world to make a living in, especially in my area of interest which is nature, landscape, architectural, and abstract.I suppose if I could solve my emotional problems I might look at trying that, though if I could get to that point I'd probably go back and try my hand at science again.
  5. Hi everyone, sorry for what will probably me a rather long post. I've found that periodically venting everything can be a cathartic exercise. I've posted here before a long time back and received some very nice replies, not sure anyone will remember me. At any rate where do I start? I'm a 32 year old guy with a life long history of depression, anxiety, and avoidant behaviour. My parents have enabled me like you would not believe, I live the life of a 12 year old in the body of someone almost 3 times that age. Having said that I am not entirely JUST a spoiled manchild though I tend to think that of myself. As I noted above I've been dealing with depression, social anxiety and other issues for most of my life, at least since the age of 5 or 6. It's not an exaggeration to say that it has ruined my life. I was a socially awkward child who was shy and sensitive to the point of being a raw nerve. Bullies can smell weakness of course, it emanates from those like us like a perfume. I was bullied and ostracised through most of elementary and high school and learned to keep others at an emotional arms length to prevent getting hurt. As a result to this day I've had few if any real friends, never dated and remain a virgin. It's a sad and lonely life, all the more so because internally I desperately yearn for friendship and companionship. Though I'm a thoughtful guy and far from a partier I'm actually something of a repressed extrovert, desperate for attention, validation and friendship. After graduating high-school I tried my best at university but my emotional issues came to a head and dashed those hopes, believe it or not I've dropped out of school 5 or 6 times over the past decade. In between I had a 4 year, actually rather happy period, working as an assistant manager at a 7-11 as well as a few other retail jobs. I've also had quite a few emotional blow outs, I suppose you could call them mini nervous break downs, every time I would drop out of school or quit a job. Most of these would lead to months of binge drinking and eating and other self destructive, almost semi suicidal behaviour. Luckily I have so far always managed to pick the pieces up after some months and give it another shot, though I'm beginning to wonder why I try. There was a time believe it or not when I had aspirations for the future. I've always been considered the promising, bright, child of the family. I've always been treated as "the smart one" everywhere I go, something I rather resent now that I look back on it. I suppose there is some truth to my intelligence, I usually had a stellar track record academically, even in university when doing math or physics early on, at least for the brief periods when my emotional issues and perfectionism didn't completely overwhelm me. I've always been interested in science, math and nature, interests my father instilled in me at an early age, although I'm quite partial to many of the arts as well. I don't say any of this to brag, just to help elucidate an important fact that has informed my emotional issues. Little good any of this has done me however as to this day my interests have served as nothing but a side hobby (I never managed to get so much as a diploma despite trying several different fields) and a painful reminder of what could have been. I have attempted to face my emotional demons. I've been on 4 or 5 different SSRIs at one time or another through the years, none of which did much but flatten me out. I've seen a series of psychiatrists and therapists to varying degrees of success, currently I'm attending some group therapy sessions. I see more promise and progress in therapy than psychiatry though either way it's been and will continue to be a painfully slow process. My life has been 5 steps forward and 4 1/2 back for what seems like the better part of 2 decades. It's exhausting and has taken its toll. My most resent emotional escapades involve trying and quitting yet another retail job after just 4 days, it was a night time stocking job at Walmart. In my defence it was a bit of a perfect storm of negatives, otherwise I would have been able to stick it out. Still it served as yet another thing to add to the VERY long list of perceived failures in my life, though I suppose it's better that the 1 day that I lasted in the 2 previous jobs. I HAVE managed to rally back from this blow much faster than in the past however which is a good sign. I resigned properly this time instead of being just a no show and got back out handing out resumes quickly. I now have another job starting soon at a local EBGames, Gamestop in the US, it's just 1-2 days a week and min wage and who knows if I will crash and burn here to or not, but it's something. I've come to realize that my biggest issues are a deep seated sense of self hatred, an avoidant personality (I cut and run like a *****, like no one else), and an enmeshed relationship with my parents that has allowed me to live off them and with them like a child (though I have to admit this safety net has saved my life on more than a few occasions). My sense of self esteem and negative self image could not possibly be much lower despite the fact that I know factually speaking that I have many positive qualities going for me (I'm kind hearted, and an interesting person, etc etc, but I don't really believe any of that in some ways). I spend a good portion of my days and mental energy trying to hold back the self destructive mental demons that want to eat me alive and as a result I'm perpetually running on fumes, I don't have a reserves needed to face life's slings and arrows. Heck some days I barely have enough to get through the day. Even the smallest of things can throw me for a loop and send me into a bitter, childish, self destructive pit of despair. I try not to think of the future too much, because if I do the long road ahead and view from the bottom of this valley will overwhelm me. And yet paradoxically if I'm to get out of this hole that's exactly what I need to do, plan for the future. I need to get a job, go back to school, move out of my parents house. Yet even thinking about doing any one of these things is enough to overwhelm me. Instead I make meek attempts at them, like trying time and again to do some petty retail job, while hiding at home trying to distract myself with YouTube and games so my mind doesn't eat me alive. I honestly don't know how to escape this mental prison I'm in. I know it's one largely of my own construction, but that knowledge seems to be of little use :-(
  6. Thanks Pinga. Indeed this guy does practise "tough love" much more than other psychiatrists I've seen. He's not mean or anything but he doesn't exactly show a lot of sympathy at times. He downright makes me feel bad about things too. But then I probably should feel bad about some of this more than I do. I just don't know if this is helping me or not.
  7. I told the psychiatrist I'm seeing that I know I need to get out of the house, get a job, do volunteer work etc. that I know these are the steps I need to take to get better. He said "I think that's bulls***, I don't think you feel any of that". He didn't say it in an angry tone. What he meant was that I don't personally feel these things even if I know them to be true. Then he said "how do you feel now that I've called you on your bulls***". I think he was trying to spark an emotional response since one of the issues is I hide my emotions all the time. Does this seem rather harsh to you or not really? All of this stems from me living at home off my parents like a parasite at my age, 31. He essentially agrees with me that I'm being a parasite.
  8. I hope you are having a marvelous day! LGJ

  9. Ok I've decided I have to do SOMETHING! This is going to be F'n hard but I've sort of hit rock bottom. Well as rock bottom as I want to go anyway as the next step is hurting myself and I don't want to go there. I don't know why but tonight I've started to take some small steps to dig out of this grave of mine. As I was saying elsewhere this is so much more about my depression at this point than my social anxiety. When and if I get back to some type of even keel I'll have to address my social anxiety again as a separate, though related, issue. For the first time in weeks today I cleaned my room, did my laundry, cleaned up my bathroom, and forced myself to try to think more positively. I'm going to try to force myself to go out on longish walks like I was doing this past summer. Back then I was doing 10 - 15km walks every day. I don't have to be at the point right away but I think I should try to get back there. I'm also going to loose the weight I put back on since then and try to eat a little better. I need a daily routine that I can force myself to stick to. I don't know what that will entail right now other than going for walks but the walks are a big first step. After a week of settling into that routine I'm thinking I need to get out and look for some volunteer work. I'm thinking the local hospital since it's close by. I'm also going to go to my GP and ask to be put back on some type of SSRI. These withdrawal symptoms I'm going through are just too much. It's the physical symptoms as much as the mental ones that I can't take. Luckily the blood test I recently did came back clean so it's more likely to be just the withdrawal that's causing all this. I'm thinking of going on Zoloft because that's what 2 aunts took on my mother's side for their emotional problems and it seemed to help them. Since I'm genetically related it's more likely to work for me. At the very least it should remove these withdrawal symptoms in a few weeks. From there I can look at tapering off more slowly than I did before. OR if I find that it actually works for me, unlike most of the SSRIs I was on, then I might stay with it. I'm going to tell my psychiatrist but I'm not going to listen to him if he tells me he thinks I shouldn't take it cause I need to get rid of these symptoms for my own sanity. I can look at tapering later. This is NOT going to be easy and I know waking up tomorrow I'm going to read this thread and think, ahh Fcuk it! But hopefully I still have enough will power tomorrow and the days after to take some small steps, like getting out and the like. This is going to be like pulling myself up by my boot straps, when I'm wearing lead boots. :P But I have to do something!
  10. Thank for for the support guys! You are right Adamo and breakfastclub I need to start making some small changes and GET out of my room / house!! See my post below. Thanks for replying. It means a LOT!
  11. I just can't seem to get MOVING! I don't know how to garner any amount of motivation. :(
  12. Ok so I've posted here before enough that some may know my back story. The short version is that I've had life long social anxiety and severe depression. I'm 31, Dropped university 6 times, haven't had a job for more than 4 years. Live off my parents, haven't been away for more than 2 weeks, and I'm a shut-in for long periods, currently in that state. Never had many / any friends, or a GF. I have on gain off again issues with alcohol and self medication. Usually only binge drink when I'm at my absolute worse, and I'm not alcoholic or dependant. I don't treat myself well at all due to my depression, I survive off junk food etc and use eating as a form of self medication. There have been short periods of my life when things have been better. There was a 4 year period working retail that was largely happy, there have been several month stretches when I've been happy, exercised regularly and ate well. But none of these would last long. I would always inevitably have some type of nervous breakdown and end up in a depressive slump. This is why I've dropped university as many times as I have, I would do well then hit an emotional wall and break down. I've been on medication in the past several different SSRIs and respiridone. I've seen 3 psychiatrists with varying degrees of success. Currently I'm seeing a psychiatrist who practises as a psychologist, he does psychodynamic psychotherapy (basically talk therapy). He suggested I try to get off my meds as he felt that I was using meds and self medication as a means to hide from my real problems, emotions. I have to admit none of the meds I've ever been on have done me much good, at best they flattened me out. So I've tapered off my meds. I tapered too quickly though and have been going through some rather horrible withdrawal, "paxil flu" symptoms and worse. These last several weeks / months I've also been close to suicidally depressed. I'm not sure if it's from the medication withdrawal or not. I've been very low in the past but not quite to this level, but it's difficult to tell if it's from the meds or my situation. The psychiatrist I'm seeing doesn't really seem to offer any advise in this regard, he just concentrates entirely on the talk therapy side of things. I just don't know how to move forward. To improve my situation I know I need to get some kind of menial job in the short run. Then hopefully move out of the house and try to build a life of my own. These are definitely things I need to do long term to improve my emotional situation. But as it stands I can barely get out of bed every morning and spend all day cooped up horribly depressed. So I don't know how to make those first steps. Medication may have removed some of the worst of the depression in the past, or it may not have, either way I never found it gave me the necessary motivation I needed to do the right things. The talk therapy I'm doing with this psychiatrist HAS been somewhat helpful as it has elucidated some of the roots of my life long emotional problems. And yet I can't help but feel he could be a better psych/therapist in other ways, but I'm too down to do anything about this either. I'm stuck in a catch 22 situation. I'm so depressed that I can't even get up a lot of the time and can't motivate myself to even leave the house let alone take some of the steps necessary to start getting better. Medication doesn't seem to have helped much, but I may be worse now that I have gone off them, it's difficult to tell. The psychiatrist I'm seeing is only so helpful, he may be more so long term. But I'm also not quite suicidal, though close at times, so the hospital wouldn't take me either. I KNOW the steps I need to take to get better but I don't have the energy, motivation, and will power to take them. Things keep getting darker day by day :(
  13. Thanks svendorrian Indeed I need to somehow internalize that the mistakes I've made really are just spilt milk and I have to move on. I find it difficult though as I'm continually thinking of just the negatives which makes it hard to concentrate on the plans needed to move forward. I have made some small progress here or there though. I've applies for a number of small jobs and I'm waiting to hear back. I'm thinking of taking up volunteer work after the Christmas season.
  14. I haven't posted in here in a while so I doubt that people will remember me but I've been struggling with depression and social anxiety for most of my life. I've failed at everything I've attempted and now feel like I'm in such a low place I don't know what to do. The cliff notes of where I am are: I'm living as a shut-in hermit parasite off my parents at 31, no job, no school, no socializing. I've dropped out of university 6 times. I've quit both jobs I worked because of anxiety. I've never had a GF. I've wasted the past decade of my life. I've been a horrible selfish son. I haven't left my parents side for more than a few weeks. I've spent a total of 2+ years living as a shut-in off an on interspersed with periods where I would try school, or a job. These would never last longer than a year at the most before having another breakdown. I've had depression and or anxiety my entire life, at least going back to the age of 4 or 5. Some of it stems from how I was raised. My parents greatly love me and I was never abused in any way but I never socialized properly as a young child and there are issues with not being shown enough affection or love at times. Emotional problems also run in the family on both sides. I've seen 3 psychiatrists. The first 2 were only pill pushers, which I was fine with, but they didn't do any therapy. I have been on Paxil, Pristiq, Cymbalta, Cipralex, Abilify and Respiridone at one time or another over the years. None of them have done much for me beyond flatten me out. They would remove the top and bottom range of my emotional spectrum. I didn't feel suicidal but I never had happy moments either, just an all encompassing feeling of "blah". The most resent psychiatrist (more a psychologist) I'm seeing now doesn't believe in meds at all and wanted me off the ones I'm on. Strange as psych's prescribe meds, though he does psychodynamic psychotherapy a form of talk therapy. So I've tapered off them, too fast. I'm having BAD withdrawal anyway though these past weeks. My emotions are all over the map, happy, suicidal, back and forth, and a lot of flu like symptoms. At first I didn't like this guy at all cause he would just sit there are stare at me, would hardly say much. But this last few sessions I decided to really open up to him and he seems to be quite nice and much more caring than I previously thought. Opening up is hard for me though as I've spent my entire life building walls and hiding feelings. As a guy I don't like crying in front of people either. But it was a bit therapeutic. I still don't know what to think of him though as he seems to know nothing about meds and only does talk therapy. But nothing else has worked so perhaps this has some chance. --- A large part of me thinks of myself as lower than a slime mold and deservedly so. I define myself by my failures. If I was asked to define who I was in a neutral and non-threatening environment I would list every negative thing I could think of about myself then add, as a foot note, a small list of talents and achievements. I seem incapable of accepting praise without replying with a thanks, BUT..., look at the "real" me. When I visit forums and other places I always start with a very negative introduction in the hopes that people will accept this "real" me first. I feel like an imposter or liar when discussing my talents and achievements. Yet I desperately seek attention and praise, to the point where at times I may come across as full of myself or egotistical when the reality is quite the opposite. I want people to see my talents and praise me, but then I want to show them the list of my failures and say SEE this is the "real me", can you accept me and praise me now? In many ways this IS very egotistical and self centred as it's all about me, me, me even if it is all negative. The ultimate base issue here is that I have no intrinsic feeling of self worth. I'm only as good as my last achievement or last bit of small praise I received. And the positive effects of these events are fleeting and short lived. Thus I'm continually seeking praise and acceptance as this is the foundation upon which I build my feelings of self worth. I lack the internal motivator, praiser and generator of positive self value that most people seem to have. Pull the rug out from most people and they are still able to say to themselves with a certain level of certainty, even in difficult times "it's ok, I'm worth it, I'll keep chugging along cause I know I'm better than this, I deserve better" etc... I seem to completely lack this internal message. In it's place I have a very negative tape recorder playing a loop of all my failures and feelings of negative self worth. I need to work on building a foundation of self worth on which I can lean and draw strength from. I'm not clear though how to go about this task.
  15. Thank Iris Indeed I was never thinking of my father's plan seriously. And I can understand my psychiatrist being against it. I just wish he had voiced his disapproval along those lines, instead he seemed to be against the idea on principal (that such an idea is fanciful to begin with, I don't think it is and I think for some people such a trip COULD be beneficial). If he had said exactly what you said I would have agreed with him. I'm now thinking of taking a short 1-2 week type trip. I'm likely to take it on my own as one of the things I need to desperately do is leave the orbit of my parents. I have many issues and this is simply an ancillary one but I took a one week camping trip by myself this past summer and I found it to be meditative and somewhat helpful.
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